Silver flamingos dancing to pop; eating French toast at stowe.
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sick of this full circle.
Haven't been on here in a whileeeeeeeeee......everything has changed. But its all still very much the same...Which is actually a bit pathetic really. I have been in a relationship for the past 5 years. Last time on here, about 4 years ago I was going through a devastating breakup with Maj...who I adore now and we are back to being bestfriends which should have never changed.... lol. Before Maj...I had been struggling with finding myself after a horribly abusive drug/alcohol driven long-term relationship...that I was using to cover up my worst first love hometown relationship that I ran away from. My first heartbreak really. The real first pain I ever felt. I was so young. He’s the reason I came back to Cambridge and my reason for knowing all my friends now and having all the experiences I have now.....which brings me to why everything is still so pathetic.
Johnny and I moved back to the north shore last august. I'm really such a fool for still thinking of Zachary as much as I have all these fucking years...like 13-15 years I can say I have thought about him at least 10 times a month. I always wondered if he was ok, if he ever thought about me...if we would ever speak again, If I would ever get the closure I needed to just fucking move forward.
WELL.
I got all of those answers and more finally.
Am I happy now?
Do I have my closure?
Is he ok?
Has he been ok?
Has he ever thought about me?
NO. All answers are a NO.
In December...just 8 months ago. We re-connected on stupid fucking facebook. Met up for a drink at the bar across from his house. I have NEVER felt this way before seeing anybody ever. ALL nerves. Between the quick vomit in the bathroom and the butterflies I was looking forward to my closure finally. I was going to close the door on this chapter once and for all, right?
No. I have no control. I fell head over heals once again. I wanted him so fucking badly all over again. Sitting there small talking with his stupid fucking smirk all I could think about was his hands around my throat, tearing me apart. What is wrong with me? From there..we kept hanging out. By the 3rd time I believe? Could have second..I gave into my sick fantasy and ruined any chance of closure because I had fully let him back in. Inside me, inside my heart, my brain, my soul, my thoughts...I had Zachary back and it felt so good. I hated it, but I loved it so much. The hold that this man has had on me since I was a fucking teenager, I’ll never understand or be able to fully grasp I don't think. So yeah..here we are...just 8 months later after too many drunken nights, so many amazing cuddles and late nights gushing over each others bodies. Broken again.
This whole time mentally, physically, emotionally cheating on my boyfriend by the way. He knew I had been seeing Zack. He didn't like it but..for some reason he let it happen. He let it happen so much that I started getting everything I needed from Zack instead of him. I would miss Zack when we weren't together terribly that I’d go running off to him any chance I had. I didn't feel guilty at all for any of this. As far as I was concerned Johnny wasn't in love with me anymore and had maybe been finding what he needed elsewhere as well.
Zachary is once again tearing me apart. Something I never ever thought I would let happen ever again. I'm worried about him often. I hear from him almost never. I miss him every second. Its sickening. Its awful. This cycle will never end will it? I will forever miss Zachary. I will forever love him. I will always wonder what he’s doing, how he’s doing & why he’s doing it & he will still never have the answers I need to let go.
what a wild fucking thing.
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everything’s okay i just want to get hit by a car
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Relax wild one. It’s not your job to be everything everyone needs, and you don’t have to be impressive to be loved. Stop trying so hard. Just show up … and be real with the world. That is enough.
Brooke Hampton (via perrfectly)
to every girl I know....especially some more than others.
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“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”
— Mike McHargue
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