prettypoisonwhenicry

[prettypoisonwhenicry]

What is crisis mode?

I'm not suicidal but I do romantize an eternal sleep. I think I'm ready to leave this world and just watch over my loved ones if i can. I don't think anyone can help me, I don't even think I want help. Like if were up to me, I want to be so far away from eveyone that loves me. I want to drink my life away.

These days have been hard. I don't know why. But each day feels like fuck it to me. At first I was drinking to get by, now its just to feel numb. I'm suppose to be looking after my 89yr old tia but she's really taking care of me.

I'm not worth the heartache. Just let me go and be accepting. Don't mourn me. Just wish wherever I am I feel at peace.

This isn't a cry for help, this is the begining of goodbye.

[prettypoisonwhenicry]

ME

To start off, I don't think I'm ugly, even though I hate everything about myself. I know how to be beautiful. One of my favorite things is to look at old photos of myself. I was skinny and I was hot, but even then I only saw deflections. Sometimes I feel like a fraud. I'm so good at pretening to be ok, but honestly I am not. I hate myself for the most part. I know how to share my hopes and ambitions in life because they really are things I would love for myself. But am I really making an effort to get there? I don't think so. Theres so many ways to improve yourself, and if I really wanted to I would already be making those changes to be better, right? Improving, recovering, and accepting theres a problem is one thing. But, actually doing something about it is whats challenging. Why did it take me this long to accept I have a drinking problem, and why I am struggling sooooooo much to stay sober, or to just really actualy show to myself that I can stop being a drunk if I really wanted to. All I want is to show myself that this is a phase but its really sinking in that this is not the case. I feel too much guilt when I drink but I guess the guilt doesn't over come the fact that I wish I NEVER TOUCHED AN ALCOHOLIC DRINK. But any liar can easily say "never again", I can't. Because I started a viscious cycle to not feel hungover by drinking again the next day. I became such a pussy when I finally faced a hangover. I hated feeling nausous all the time but soon I realized how the uncomfortable made it so much easier to get drunk all over again. Even though I would tell myself this drinking sesion is to not get drunk its just to not feel hungover and suffer. But still, I can't stop even if im feeling (not hungover) I get drunk all over again. So I've been on a bender since Thursday or Friday I really dont remeber. I'm not drinking like a college girl in spring break but I sneakly drink in moderation. Again, the goal in my head when i drink is not to look drunk but to appear functional. And honestly, I do feel more functional. The major problem is, when I'm done with my day orn done being "functional" is when my body decides to let loose and the alcohol in me does what it would do to anymore who consumes alcohol on a daily basis...black out. I wake up the next morning with a rapid heart beat (hangsciety) is what they call it and I feel it and I hate it! But still, not enough to stop to do this to myself. I started this last night woke up this morning (drank wine) and "proof read" but honestly or obvioulsy I just kept ranting. Honestly I need help, but i reject medication or therapy and for some reason the thought of letting out all my dirt to strangers felt the most appealing. Its probably the alcohol. If theres anyone out there like me, or if not I really want to know. Am I alone?