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KARMA’S GREATEST GIFT —- relishing in this karmic joy, a TEXT… from the one and only!!

i’m TOO delighted by the magic to read it. relishing in it. i feel like i’ve bitten into a ripe mango with juice spilling down the sides of my mouth. just delight! pure karma! worth the wait. a true chef’s kiss.

i look forward to more!

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sweet, sweet beautiful fragrant juicy karma

em em em… its coming for you! I wish you knew that i know… HA!!! I know!!! and now I get to sit back and watch my once shattered self meld again in front of my very eyes.

desperation, loss, hope!!! you are the very bitterness that will keep you in the same situation, for better or worse.

i felt karma flooding every sense into this great, grand wonder of a feeling. like FINALLY feeling a great justice… what a CORe memory this will be. watching you beg for something that is within you reach if you just stopped waiting on the world to give it to you.

and they all believe me its such an act. <3

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like that shit changed the trajectory of my life! and to think you’re still manipulating people into thinking you’re being manipulated????? ahhhhhh lmaoooo

get haunted and have the life you deserve lmao.

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em complaining about people from their past “coming back to manipulate them” is so 😙🤌💋

karma really is that bitch babyyyyyyy!!!

and on the literal 10th anniversary of the “comeback” of C

LMAO… karmaaaaaaaa i love u

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“damn 😳 you weren’t fuckin around with that looking hot thing”

okaahyyy. what sucks is i can’t even bring this up without confessing that i’ve been reading! hahahah

i get it, playful telling your friends they’re hot or whatever…. but like… yikes dawg. didn’t need that meltdown today, brain 🫠

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oh fuck. oh shit.

you dumbass. fuck fuck fuck. you tried to start a conversation that you weren’t ready to have and you played it off like a non thing and they nodded, almost offended….oh god. oh no. oh fuck. fuck. why did i say anything at all. shit.

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“i cant wait to play actual [video game] w you”

they say to her over a fucking game chat device.

“it’ll calm down in a few weeks, i already has”

mhm. okay so……lol okay so what exactly does calm down look to you? cause to me, it looks like you, texting her in private, keeping close eye on your phone, closing tabs when i walk into the room. to me, it looks like - being on DC on mobile when you wake up and still taking 20 min to say good morning to me. its in the added songs. its in the “im trying to be cool about this and bring her up in casual conversation like we’re not still talking 24/7”

like BITCH what exactly do you think will happen with this. i cant tell if theyre being naive about how hard this girl is crushing on them or if theyre just okay with egging that on. because, my guy, ”its so nice to have someone care about video games and want to play all the things i do!” bitch she plays like two games. she is playing your games, and watching YouTube videos about said games FOR. YOU. like ??????? are you….serious

cue the maniacal laughter. how. the actual. fuck. am i supposed to move past this. it helps every time we talk but maybe im just easily convinced? i have no reason not to trust you and yet every nerve in my body feels like its on ice, waiting for revival. waiting for you to come back to me. i feel like im desperate for your attention which is a really gross way to feel. i never wanted to be this person or to… idk, i guess i just never thought i’d get here.

i bought a journal today so that i could try to journal 3 pages every day. but. the reality it. this is it. this is my Dark Journal. this is where every worst thought ive ever had in the last 4 years lives.

“and they all believe me im such an act”

i literally have to turn away when youre texting her.

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june 5th

being high is the only thing that helps it, i’ve found. 

AND THEY ALL BELIEVE ME I’M SUCH AN ACT

(i’m not a raging bitch when i’m high 😊)

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june 5

i feel like i’m screaming aloud in my head SHUT UP. THIS ISNT THE TRUTH. YOU’RE TRIPPING OVER BAD THOUGHTS. BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE. SMILE. PLEASE DEAR GOD JUST SMILE. DON’T MAKE IT WORSE. DON’T MAKE A SCENE. DON’T MAKE IT A THING. BECAUSE ONCE I MAKE IT A THING EVERYTHING WILL BE EGGSHELLS

and somehow that seems worse than just letting the pain of it all consume me. somehow willing myself to breathe through it feels more rational. i feel insane

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june 5

in the daylight, it’s because:

i’m feeling jealously and guilt. 

jealousy for the attention, for the fun and exciting newness of a “new friend”. because 6 years ago i was in the exact position. feeling totally pulled in by the magnetic force that is you. indulging and enticing. i mean, the ugly part of my brain is telling me : what’s to stop this new friendship from reaching that point. i keep reminding myself that that’s the ugly part lying to my. gripping and tightening the sickening hold this lie has had on me for the last 3 days. i’m trying to feel better. i really want to. i want to not be crushed every time the keys clack knowing everything you bare is going straight to her. 

and then the guilt kicks in. because now i know what it feels like to be erin. to feel like you’re powerless to stop it, even if you’re being told nothing’s happening. is that the ugly part of my brain lying again? because where i stand, i know they were compatible and they weren’t happy and that the magnetism couldn’t be stopped. 

what if the magnetism can’t be stopped here. why does my head go there. what if what if what if. it feels different, because…..well, they couldn’t… right? they wouldn’t. maybe? we’re forever….i think? what if it’s not. what if i lose it. what if i can’t survive it. 

i dread the stay. the plans being made without me. deep in the woods where secrets are kept and everything is romanticized. what if what if what if. i’d be told, right? and even if I were told….what do we do? FUTURE TRIPPING. jenn would be livid. i’d gotten so far and THIS is what’s taking me down again? JEALOUSY?!?? 

“things i say i’ll never do and always end up doing” hahahahahaha

i’m too in my head. the good angel tells me that and tells me that the ugly part is lying. and i want to believe that so badly. so so so fucking badly. but even here, as I sit on my phone trying to get it all out. they’re on their phone, probably deep in conversation on instagram. since apparently that’s where we are now. if the emails start, i’m fucked. 

fuck. 

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i know that im hurting my own feelings but reopening the wound every time i have the chance but god fuck… when will it end.

like maybe my biggest fear is that itll never fi.”3 and then this is just…..around forever.

“i chose to be distracted by u…” UWU BULLSHIT. lmaoo. been there……::::

it all makes me wanna die. am i just seeking attention ?? who knows but it makes me fucking hate myself.

talking did make it better i spose but i thought some serious convo or SOMETHING would revert it.

like biiiitch asking about her relationship is just going to make her think your asking how easy it would be to leave it….

“i worry about you” ”mmm” VOM

vom bx that was me not so long ago. with mhms and ahh and the most romantic feelings you can feel and line….CHRISTA THAT FUCKING PLAYLIST. you gonna put every romantic feeling ive ever had and shared with you in there lmaooo

bitch has that shit on repeqt and is dreaming of you. are you thinking of her when im going down on you? what if you are and how would i ever know about it

fuck it never ends.

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its funny, i hadn’t had a reason to use this space in….years. things have been good but i find myself back, in this dark space, aching for a difference.

i haven’t experienced jealously in this relationship yet. apathy? boredom? happiness? sure. but not jealousy.

its funny because i fully trust them. ive just been in her spot before. in the enigmatic magnetism that is them. the playlist sharing ”add this to the playlist” - and GOD the sharing of MY SONGS. MY JOYS. (somehow that hurts the most because it should be so harmless - why doesnt it feel harmless here?). sideloading a fucking computer to play games until midnight. staying up until 4 am to cuddle in a hotel bed ????????

undeniable happiness, flirtiness. its easy to fall. i dont know what it is about reen. but i just had this feeling ever since the return. that crush is gonna happened. shit, that crush is here.

the internet says to find the root of the jealously. i trust them, i know they love me. theyre allowed to have friends. to share music, play games. we’ve been through all of this before with others why does it feel different? why am i nervous about it. why do i sense it before anyone else? the relationship probs - BACKPACKING TRIP??? ahhhh lmao. shell make a move at some point….maybe thats what im dreading. what if that happens. what if they do move on? is that even possible? i mean, of course its possible but its it real. of course its real, but will it happen.

will i be sad? i tbink so. but deep down…..i think the truth lies in not being stable for myself. for just me. like… i cant…what do i do for the next 2 years… how do i stay here without stay here?

okay, getting ahead of myself now and dreaming up scenarios that arent happening. gonna make myself sick trying to solve this. i feel like i need to communicate but how?

how do i say “im feeling jealousy which is a new feeling for me. i trust you, youre allowed to have friends, but i think she likes you more than just a friend. i just sense that.”

like literally how do i say that without sounding EXACTLY LIKE RIN. HOW!!?!! I sense the sugbs because that was me 5 years ago. sharing books with scribbles and little love notes. talking at all hours. why did they get a book and not tell me. christttttt.

i shouldnt have read it but i did. ”i like talking to u :-)” uWuuuuu lmaoooo

is this normal for you? “no not at all”

planning a backpacking trippppp fuckkk hahaha and whats she supposed to do?! come stay at our house afterwards??? hahahaha GET. FUCKED. like honestly.

“whos flirting with me anymore” how do i answer that fucking question in front of our fucking friends. damn… this hurts lol. ill get over it, we’ll get over it. idk someone will get over it i guess?

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will it get fun again?

and the sad thing is that i'm finally discovering my type. and this just ain't it anymore.

the other thing is that, i'm kinda ugly now lmfao. just haven't cared for/about myself in years and like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ certainly wouldn't attract anyone like rik lmfao.

i just want this feeling to be over.

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nothing's happy anymore

nothing's fun anymore

there's no spark of excitement

it is just. steady. some arguments here and there, some good moments, but nothing to tip the needle.

having dreams about rik. about how badly i want that life. of how impossibly unattainble it is. its foolish, really. annoyingly so because like, goddamn would that be absolutely perfect.

this is just no life for me.

maybe that's what scares me about marriage. that i'm already bored 4 years in with no end in sight.

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being known is such a heavy existence

i cried in the shower thinking about the end. how i don't want to be the bad guy but i'll have to be. how i don't have a reason why.

will i change? will i grow? will i accomplish fucking anything?

im so lucky to have my dog, my perfect fucking shitass princess dog. the only one i want around me always. the only one i'd bend over backwards for.

i think i've been putting it off for so long because, i know that eventually, in the end, it won't matter. i don't want you to be the one they criticize in the end. the one that wasn't good enough for them.

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YOU'RE ALONE WITH THIS ONE (and they're angry) :-)

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she'd want every other freckle

she'd want every other freckle

she'd want every other freckle

she'd want every other freckle