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An apology.

Sorry you had to apologize.

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My skin itches

Needles prick my back while the bile in my stomach boils. I hate it here.

What use to feel like home feels rotten. Contemptible. I hate kissing the hand that slaps my face and sticks it's fingers down my throat.

I want to burn my body and everything near it.

I want to explode and set fields on fire so that all the crops are gone and everyone left starves!

I HATE IT HERE

I HATE IT HERE

I HATE IT HERE

My pride is run through.

I see no reason to connect with anyone around. My anger fuels my solitude. My resentment burns bright and illuminates the path to seclusion.

I do not roll over, belly up..

Why should I waste my words on those who are thirsting for tea.

You talk about me like I'm not here but you don't understand me because you're too busy with yourselves.

Stop acting like you know me because you don't. You know an echo of what I use to be but you were left behind so long ago.

I cannot wait till I can save up the money and get the FUCK UP OUT OF HERE.

I HATE IT HERE

I can feel the love slipping from my hands and face and pouring into an endless black hole where all is lost. Hope has abandoned me and left me to drown in my self pitty. I am drained and devoid of life, curiosity, and will to connect with anyone. Slowly I am becoming detached.

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Haven't written in a while...

So here I am. Existing for the sake of existing.

No point, just basic survival. Monotone.

I'm going through the motions hoping that something will happen that changes my perspective...

I'm finding less joy in life by the day...

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Tonight I saw a part of you that I was ignoring.

My heart is in pieces.

I thought you were one way. But my eyes were opened by someone who cares about me more.

You're not who l thought you were and it makes me sad.

You give me butterflies but your red flags signal to stay away...

I wish you were what I thought you were.

Who am I to be expecting anything from you anyways. I am worse off.

I'm disappointed, but I'll get over it. I just need time and therapy.

Friend or lover?

What I want, is not what you want.

I need to purge it all. All my crusheD feelings...

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I want what I can't have.

So now I gotta learn how to live without it.

When I learn to comfortably live without what I want,

What I want begins to become easier to obtain.

It becomes easier to get what I want, because I am no longer the type of person to chase after what I want.

(The thing that I want, does not come easily to those who chase after it, but does come easily to those not striving for it.)

When I have cruelly accepted that what I want isn't going to come to me while I want it, THEN it finally does. I'll be bitter by then. Just you wait and see.

I want you, you want them, and they want you too.

I want you, you want me, but we can't have eachother.

You had me, I had you, but we fell apart.

It's 321 now I'm all alone.

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I Fall Too Easy.

They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

Is it the same with people? If I don't stand for someone [myself], I'll fall for anyone?

Ugh, I don't even care. I'm lonely as hell but I can't think about anyone else but you. And you and I don't even connect on a higher plane. At least not yet.

You've got someone else and I've got chains on my ankles.

But why the fuck do I keep thinking about you. Everyday, my thoughts are flooded with images of you and the things you do. I wish I could tell you this without ruining our friendship.

Your presence clouds my judgement.

The other night we went out for drinks, and that drunk girl told me to make my move with you because "you were ready to accept my energy". It's funny because I wanted to believe that, and had I been a few more drinks in, I might have ignored my better judgement...

But the truth is, I wanted so badly to be close to you and still do. I want to touch your arms, I want to touch your neck, I want to hold your body close to mine, I want to feel your breath on my face. I want to taste your lips on mine and feel the tension between us melt away as we surrender to eachother.

My days are full of longing.

The sad thing is, I don't think we would work out. Even if we got a shot. We would turn on eachother.

Can't I just have you?

I'm torn.... And I wish you and your someone the best of luck ....

I'll be here smoking my lonely away.

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My heart feels big feels.

I've cried over you today, more than I should have.

I'm still crying, as I write.

I'll always love you.

Come find me when the world is ending, okay?!?!

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I want you so bad, B

Everyday my feelings are imposing their way into my day-to-day... I wish they'd take a back seat and I could stop myself from acting on my impulses.

You're telling me things that I want to hear and it's making me want you more. You're doing things that make my skin tingle, my heart race, and my mind day dream.

Kiss me more

All the words to the songs that I listen to have never been more true in my life than today. Why do I feel this way?

I can't tell my mom, I can't tell my friends, I can't tell my dad, brother, or sister... All I can do is feel it more and more.

Might I explode?

Maybe if it hurts too much, we should stop...

I can't stand thinking of stopping. It's the craziest most reasonable thing I could do. There a right way, and my body doesn't want that.

Your lips want mine, and my lips want yours.

I'm living in a dream, fairytale, fantasy with you.

I'm scared of letting it go and ending this; this, which makes me feel so good at a time when I'm vulnerable af.... Am I doing this to myself? Or are you doing this to me?

I want to die in your arms so that the last thing I feel is... wanted.

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It's 2am and I want you...

I'm laying in my bed frustrated AF.

All I can think about is you laying next to me, or being on top of me, or me being on top of you.

I want to feel your skin.

I want to be so bad with you again. Sending goosebumps up my arms. I want to run my fingers through your body.

I want to suck your face 😈😈😈

I want to leave more marks on you

I can't stand being in arms reach and not being able to hold you. You fit into my arms perfectly. We fit together perfectly. I love when we grind on eachother. Your body rubbing on mine, we get so hot...

it's Fire on Fire...

I need to be with you, come fuck me already.

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I want to disappear...

From my reality. I'm tired of the daily stresses on top of the death I'm feeling on the inside... I want to be through with it.

I'm tired of the anxiety stomach aches.

I'm tired of wanting things I can't have. I want to let go of my responsibilities and fall off the face of the earth.

Just hurry up and leave!

I don't mean to rush you, but you're holding me up.

Im holding back how much I want to move on. But honestly, when I'm at the edge of the cliff, Ill hesitate to jump.

Comfort and safety of routine, I'm feeling warm in bed. Then the death of our relationship, my alarm clock goes off and the dream ends. Im tired of taking care of you and feel awful for feeling that way.

I want you to move on from me, but at the same time, I know that when you finally do, I'll die inside. It has to be done... But I love you.

Do good for yourself...

I've got a lump in my throat (tear)

When you find yourself at the edge of the universe, remember us...

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I felt that

All things end.

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I just want something from you...

I'm nice, but don't call me nice. I'm only nice because you have something I want. The moment I fully realize I'm not getting what I want, I'm done talking with you.

But I'm not. Not really done. I'm still hoping their is a chance because I'm lonely... I'm desperate.

How desperate? Apparently not enough.

I'm so focused on getting what I want that I'm making myself miserable.

Problem is I don't know how to stop. I just go until something happens. One way or another, something will happen. I have to be okay, I have to be okay.

Who's gonna want someone who's not okay?? That's a red flag right there. So I gotta be okay, because I have to be wanted.

I want to be lusted over.

I don't want your love. I just want your body.

I'm frustrated asF

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When can we do it again?

I just want to feel the rush of getting too close again. I love it when you lean into me. It happens only once in a while... But it drives me crazy.

I don't want to get stuck, I just want to be used by you. Let's just pass the time until our crushes are ready to have us.

Then I'll let you go, no questions asked.

Maybe just one question.

Its a risk I want to take. Just kiss me the way you did, please.

I want to do that again...

You excite me. You ignite me. I'm fucking helpless.

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I'm not working...

It feels so difficult to stay on task. Of course blogging while I'm suppose to be at work does not help.

The fact that I felt like getting on here and typing my thoughts out was more interesting than my own job says a lot about how interesting my work is. I think so anyways. I could be selling weed at a dispensary right now, but instead I'm sitting at a desk, with the door shut... Alone.

I do not want to do this shit.... I just want to fucking get drunk. Fuck me if I'm not wasting away... I wish I could say screw my responsibilities and fuck off to the bar. But I don't want to be a bum either.

I have to take my "life breaks" where I can get them. So I guess for now, it's smoking joints on my lunch break.... It's going to all fall apart and crash someday anyways.

Can we just have some fun while we wait??

I need to make some life changes, otherwise I'm going to turn into an old avocado.

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Fuck I want more!

I don't care, I don't care, I don't care!

Im frustrated as fuck!

I can't get the sloppy drunk images of your lips off my mind.

I can't get your touch off of my skin. I can't get your body off of my mind.

I'm doomed.

I'm left longing for another intimate moment with you. Just you and me exploring each other.

Goosebumps.

That moment you feel there's no more limits or boundaries and take all you want.

You smile when we kiss.

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We kissed, but shouldn't have...

Now I can't get away from the kiss. The kisses we shared. You knew my lips, and I knew yours. I could feel you breathe. I never thought we would be that close.

We became eachother

You pulled me closer and I swear I fell in L***, but I can't say that word.

I don't want to ruin it with "L***". Fuck that.

Your lips, no never again. My hand caressed your face.

Never again.

Your hand on my arm. We were never suppose to know each other like this. But now I'm left wanting you more, and pretending like I'd never do it again.

It was so beautiful. We were so beautiful. We could never do that again. But I'll never forget. I'll always remember us that way. No matter where you go or who you meet, I'll always remember us this way.