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cockblocked 😔

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Daily Mirror, England, January 23, 1923 Image © The British Library Board. All Rights Reserved.

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The 1962 Guiness Book of Records includes a 1955 world record for fastest beer drinker, achieved by a Mr R. Hawke while studying at Oxford University.

This man was none other than Bob Hawke, who went on to become Prime Minister of Australia.

When he died in 2019, nearly every newspaper commemorated him with stories featuring pictures of him drinking, including this pic of Hawke downing a yard glass of beer while standing next to Prime Minister Gough Whitlam.

He is commemorated by the 'Bob Hawke Beer and Leisure centre' - a popular pub in the current electorate of Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, which claims to serve succulent Chinese meals.

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So for the last week, Australia has been enwrapped in a story of political intrigue, after a member of Victoria's parliament was seemingly photoshopped by a staff member at Nine (Australia's second largest news company) to have larger breasts and a midriff in a photo used to promote a story.

Already being condemned for this stuffup by basically every side of politics (a rare feat) gasoline was then poured on the fire by Nine, as they then came out and blamed Adobe's Photoshop for having added the features itself when a staffer resized the photo, something which anyone with any knowledge of how Photoshop works could tell you is not a thing.

The fallout was so bad that the excuse has become a national punchline in the last few days, with all manner of stuffups being blamed on Photoshop's newly gained sentience.

Anyway, today Georgie has posted this photo to her twitter in what has to be the most shade laden post we've ever seen from an Aussie politician:

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Australia in a nutshell

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News service run by teenagers getting the scoop on a former senator turned anti-vaxxer who just retweeted porn. Average Australian day in politics.

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In the 2010 Australian election, candidates running under the banner of the "Australian Sex Party" won 250,000 first preference senate votes, making it briefly the fourth largest party in the country

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Today's daily dose of Batshit Australian Politics comes courtesy of Australian Senator Bob "Gay Crocodiles" Katter (yes that one) who today picked a fight with the Australian parliament cafe, which he refused to leave until they accepted a $50 bill as payment instead of a card/tap.

Although staff at the cafe offered to just give Bob his meal for free, he refused to leave until they took the cash. The stoush was eventually settled when a manager was called in and agreed they legally have to take Bob's money.

“Your plastic magic won’t work without electricity" Bob told the press afterwards, "and without cash you’ll starve."

The national newswire AAP sent out the story today with this incredible line and photo attached:

Staff offered to give Mr Katter his fish for free, but he remained hungry for justice.

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Police have tweeted that large bags of cocaine are washing up on the beaches of Sydney and have asked the public not to touch them.

Merry Christmas everyone

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In 1975, North Korean ambassador to Australia crashed his official Mercedes-Benz while drunk driving. Knocking on the door of the nearest house looking for help, the ambassador was aghast to find the door opened by none other than the South Korean ambassador.

Having immediately fled the scene on foot, the next morning the North Koreans visited a local Mercedes dealer in an attempt to buy a replacement car. This did not go well however as - after picking a car - the North Koreans were told they would have to wait a few weeks for a delivery, as the display car had already been bought by the South Korean ambassador. There was much screaming.

Days later, without telling anyone, the North Koreans abruptly abandoned their embassy and fled back to Pyongyang.

Sources [1], [2], [3]

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This porno didn’t fuck around

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South Carolina followers: free green beans on I-95!

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can you post that video of that anti-immigration guy getting egged on camera

March 2019: Senator Frasier Anning outs himself as a Neo-Nazi after making disparaging remarks about a shooting at a mosque. In response a teenager approached him at a press conference and cracked an egg on his head.

The elated public widely hailed the newly dubbed national hero "Egg Boy" with artworks being made in his image, and $100,000 is raised in order to help him "buy more eggs".

Anning lost his seat in the next election, and his party was deregistered. He was declared bankrupt only a year later, and by 2021 authorities announced that they could no longer locate Anning, suspecting he had fled the country.

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June 2004: An LGBT rights group sailed to an island off Queensland Australia, and declared it a sovereign kingdom in order to perform same-sex marriages, which were illegal in Australia at the time.

This led to the Australian government formally recognising it as a hostile nation in order to ban pride flags from government buildings.

Despite this, Australian governments did largely act cordially with the Kingdom, with government departments addressing communications to "The Gay Embassy" and acknowledging the Kingdom's mission in a number of letters.

The Gay Kingdom declared peace with Australia in 2017 after same-sex marriage was legalised, and formally re-united with the mainland shortly after.

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February, 1994: The New Zealand government's official Wizard is invited by the Mayor of Tamworth, Australia to perform a rain dance (approved by the local Aboriginal Commission) in an attempt to break the region's ongoing drought.

The Wizard travels to Australia on a special passport provided by the British High Commission stamped "The Wizard of New Zealand", over concerns that his claim he is 'not subject to mortal laws' may cause issues at immigration.

Three days after his dance, the town was inundated with rain, with the wizard reporting that the subsequent flooding "produced many letters of complaint".

Following his success, the Wizard announced he would be staking claim to the title of "Wizard of Oz".

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Prime Minister Tony Abbott visits a daycare, 2013

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What about that time Australia hired a furry artist for the Olympics. Still better art than the ACT centennial hot air balloon.

2021: The Royal Australian Mint puts out a call for artists to submit portfolios of "Japanese style" cartoons, in preparation for a commemorative series of coins and artworks to be released for the Tokyo Olympics.

The campaign would have a cross promotional tie-in with Australia's largest supermarket, Woolworths where 24 million collectables themed on the artworks would be given away.

It wasn't until the final artist was selected that they realised the people at the Royal Australian Mint had somehow mistaken the anthropomorphised animal-humans that seemed popular on the internet for a popular children's cartoon franchise.

“They knew exactly what they wanted," explained the artist, "we worked together to make sure they got what they envisioned, I tailored what I made to their examples/feedback. They just didn’t know there was a word for it, basically, or that it was SO popular.”

Needless to say, when the artworks were released online people immediately called a spade a spade, headlines were made around the world, and the furry community expressed bemused joy that the Australian government had apparently just released an official fursona.

Unfortunately for those innocent soles that had planned the campaign, given they had just minted $24 million worth of furry coins they couldn't exactly scrap the whole thing, and they were forced to just push ahead while doing their best to ignore the large community of internet oddballs salivating at their every move.

Anyway, here's some of the art:

Here's some of the collectable cards given out free to kids by Woolworths: