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You know this scene?

And how it was played as a funny jab at Aku's starvation for approval?

Well, I think it portrays more condescension on Dazai's part than it seems...

Because Dazai touching Akutagawa might have been the reason he even fainted.

Akutagawa clearly agrees with Dazai when he points out his exhaustion, responding to his "You're at your limit, now, aren't you?" With "It doesn't matter".

Rashōmon could have been the only thing keeping Akutagawa standing at that moment.

Dazai could have been totally aware that that was the case.

And what he does? Nullify his ability right then and there. Seep what's left of his strength away. Before, and not after, he provides him the praise he oh-so-needs after so, so long.

I'm half certain Dazai wouldn't have given that compliment if he wasn't sure he'd turn his protege off that way. Never having to deal with the reaction, never having to handle the emotions that would result and stem because of him. Easier that way, isn't it?

And you know what? I don't even think Akutagawa heard him at that moment, else why would he still be adamant to win Dazai's approval after this scene?

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atsushi may have lost akutagawa's coat, the symbol of dazai's false promise for protection and a new beginning. but he saw akutagawa for who he really is, recognised him, protected him with his entire being, proved that he believes akutagawa deserves to live in the way akutagawa needs it conveyed to fully understand, with the act that akutagawa himself relayed it to atsushi. so wholly in the language akutagawa's heart speaks, just so akutagawa could feel it to that part of himself so innately him, that core which so deeply understands and believes in protection that it has no choice but resurface again in full bloom.

atsushi became the embodiment of what dazai's coat promised akutagawa. what is there left to return?

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Oh baby.....

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akutagawa quiz but it's made by me so half the questions are determine the curvature of his waist on this manga panel (1/9247) and the rest are about gin

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akutagawa is careful about collecting antiques. thoughtful. he likes learning what they meant in the time they were made, what the style and details said about, and to, the people back then. they're just objects but he wants to understand the story behind them. how did they end up like this, abandoned, cluttered, left to gather dust. like the fact that they were created to mean something doesn't matter.

why does it seem like time takes the meaning out of everything. time is the only thing that can't be fought, and it's never been on his side. it never heals, just keeps hurting. it takes things away. abruptly, without warning. and then slowly, steadily. his memories start to wear down, bit by bit. but the pain that comes with them never fades.

if he can't hold onto memories, what happens to everything he's lost. it's lost even further, not even a memorial, just a burial. buried so deep the universe has reclaimed it into the nothingness. his pain is the only proof it has ever even existed.

what happens when he starts missing his friends more than he remembers them. he used to think time would take him before that day ever came. now, he’s not sure it was a mercy that it didn’t.

but at least the antiques are still here. out there in shops, sitting on shelves. at least there's a chance someone might stop, pick one up, and let it mean something again.

he's also been left behind. maybe there's a chance for him too. a chance, much like the ones he gives. maybe it matters that he's still alive. his friends would've wanted him to feel that way, at least.

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ok i want akutagawa to cry for weird reasons #nolongerhiding #freethefreak

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need akutagawa to cry for non weird reasons

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Since when does Akutagawa have a pet tiger?

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Richard Siken, 'Planet of Love'

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And then

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Imagine you are Atsushi. You think you know a man. You think you see him for who he is- bleeding claws and all. You think that you are sure in his character and in his entirety. You think that after so many battles and so much death, there is nothing else for you to know.

You are wrong.

You think the two of you could not be more different or distant if you tried. You think that despite any change you may have brought, he is still someone you could never understand. You've come to terms with the idea that you both are simply two sides of the same coin.

You are wrong.

And it takes an unfeeling blade for you to finally learn how much so.

You learn that you only vaguely knew him- a shadow blurred across your vision. You learn his claws are not simply bloodied from pain caused but from pain given- from climbing a mountain insurmountable even to one as strong as him. You learn that you knew his surface but not his core- something no battle had ever taught you. There is so much you have yet to know.

So, you follow.

You learn the two of you are not so very different, the distance no more than a few steps. You learn that any change you brought in him was because, unknowingly, you were speaking a language that you didn't know he spoke right back. You learn that the hate that he held for you was born of a desire just as your own.

So, you follow.

And you learn that there was never a coin at all, just a mirror- a thing made of broken edges, bruised bones, and hateful words. And you learn there were never two sides, simply two caged and cornered animals staring back at the other- hearts bleeding and hands grasping.

Grasping for acknowledgment, for acceptance, for a reason, for permission, for someone to tell them they were finally enough.

You stare at the man in the mirror, a dark anger of a person- all sharp points and serrated defenses- and can see yourself in his eyes. Eyes that don't look at you the same way they used to.

You wonder: when he looks in this mirror, does he see the same?

You will simply have to ask him once you return.

Imagine you are Atsushi. You have seen the heart of a man. A man with whom you cannot accurately describe your relationship- no word seems precise enough nor powerful enough. You still don't fully understand him. He still confuses you, annoys you, and causes an itch you cannot seem to scratch.

But none of that matters because you have already decided he is worth sacrificing for. Becuase he is Ryuunosuke Akutagawa.

You have already made it to the door that- if done right -will guide you back to him, aided by the ghosts of his past and yours.

And so, you place your hands upon the entrance and push.

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i feel sick just looking at this

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ok im sharing these akutagawas

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fade into you

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i didn't get masquerade akutagawa card but it's okay because i still have joy and love and kindness in my heart