porcelainbbdoll

[porcelainbbdoll]

“I do not like who I am. There is nothing good about me anymore. I am sick of wasting my time. I am worn out, I am really tired.”

— there is no point of me being here if I am not doing anything useful

[porcelainbbdoll]

Also rant

It’s bullshit that either my husband and I or my sons grandmother on his fathers side are the only ones paying for my sons sports.

And It’s also bullshit that when he does buy our son stuff he has to brag to me. Like Oh my god you did what you’re supposed to do! Wtg!

Ugh

[porcelainbbdoll]

Fr I need Xbox friends

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[porcelainbbdoll]

[porcelainbbdoll]

There’s a trend on Tiktok calling out alcoholic parents.

I could call both of mine out, but what would be the point? I was also going thru being an alcoholic right along side ‘em.

Yeah their behavior was negligent, and terrible. They pretty much fast tracked me to alcoholism (but aren’t the full reasons for it)

But it’s not like I can say much, as I was an alcoholic at the time too.

Even if the most I ever did was throw up, rip clothes off myself, and convulse from going to far one time.

We where all very different drunks, trying to survive lives we didn’t want. There’s not much I can say in good lighting about any of us at that time.

I’m recovered, my father went onto go get multiple DUIs but has limited his drinking, and my mother has severely limited hers.

I can be happy to say we survived those years, not without major damage, but we bettered ourselves… which I guess is what’s different than most the people in the Tiktok trend..

But I’d be a hypocrite to slander their alcoholism, seeing as my own raged on then, as well.

[porcelainbbdoll]

Some beardieccinos ☕️

[porcelainbbdoll]

🕸️👻🎃✨ Trick or Treat! ✨🎃👻🕸️

[porcelainbbdoll]

current mood

[porcelainbbdoll]

Rape jokes aren’t funny and I’m sick of hearing them, even if I only rarely ever do.

[porcelainbbdoll]

I just need to rant

Being raped for 6 years, and those 6 years being my early teen to early adult hood, has really fucked me up. I like to think I’ve come back from it, but even 4 years after the last rape & sexual assault I still suffer. I know I always will, this doesn’t just go away.

But for fucks sake, could I have more than a short period of time where I’m not reminded of it?

He walks around as if nothing ever happened, he speaks to me like he’s my friend (we have a child together, from the rape..) he has another new girlfriend (I love her and I’m worried for her but she doesn’t believe it happened. He also raped the girlfriend he got a few months after we broke up. He’s ruining people like it’s no big deal) he acts like he’s a gift to be around.

I want him to feel as dehumanized and shame-filled as I did… do.. I wish everything terrible on him, and I’m not ashamed.

I deserve a better out look on life, I deserve to be free and happy and OKAY.

For years… YEARS… my body WAS NOT MINE. And that really rips a person to shreds. I was told repeatedly how no one else would want me.

I was kicked, pushed around/down, I had things thrown at me.. I had my hands tied and my body held as he did what he wanted. I was restrained as he even used a paint brush (one of those kinda fat ones, I don’t know how to explain it.. it wasn’t a straight paint brush.) to rape me… of all things A PAINT BRUSH. I was controlled to the point I couldn’t spend even my own money on myself, I couldn’t go anywhere with anyone but my parents… and even then it was touchy to go. I couldn’t stay at cousins homes, towards the end.

I couldn’t text people without him reading everything, I couldn’t call my BEST FRIEND cuz he hated her and went out of his way to tell her if he heard her on the phone, or seen her in our house (I’d only invite her over while he was at work, but visits sometimes spilled over into him being home)

I was manipulated with gifts when he raped me, then later had them taken away for saying or doing something wrong.

He even took things I bought myself. My Xbox, craft supplies, shower stuff ect…

And all hell broke lose if I didn’t keep up on shaving everything possible. Then I lost everything, I was screamed at, pushed around and more..

He made me fear men. He made me a shell.

I’ve felt shame, emptiness, numb. Dirty, disgusting, inhuman. My life no longer mattered to me. My body wasn’t mine, so why bother at that point? I lost myself. I became an alcoholic. Funny thing alochol is.. made everything dull and chaotic at the same time. Made every feeling I had disappear for a while.

I currently stand at almost 4 years sober, which is great, but sometimes I miss the dullness it brought.

Anyway

Just needed to rant some.

[porcelainbbdoll]

heLP?!

[porcelainbbdoll]

i had a vision while i was at work today

[porcelainbbdoll]

fortnite did a collab with optimus prime/transformers for this season's battlepass, and i assume it's because of transformers rise of beast coming out this summer.

but that's so fucking dumb.

because barbie is right there, fortnite.

she's more iconic than optimus, i'm saying it now.

i assume it's cuz fortnite is for BOYS and barbie is for GIRLS, but that's foolish, because barbie is for everyone.

and they're going to SEE.

the whole WORLD is going to see.

[porcelainbbdoll]

I need Xbox friends.

[porcelainbbdoll]

Christmas 2020

Me, my recently discovered brother, and my brother I’ve known all my life (with my son up front)

Can’t believe it’s been almost 3 full years since I’ve first (and last seen) my recently discovered brother. 🥹