poppystea23 - Tumblr blog

[poppystea23]

How so? For starters.

American finance grew on the back of slaves

Economic Consequences of Segregation

GI Bill: White male affirmative action program

Predatory Lending in Black Communities and Black Wealth

African-Americans With College Degrees Are Twice As Likely to Be Unemployed as Other Graduates

America’s giant wealth disparity is driven by a history of racist redlining

Black Graduates From Top Colleges Face Discrimination In Job Search, Salaries

A Black College Student Has The Same Chances Of Getting A Job As A White High School Dropout

40 Acres and a Mule Would Be at Least $6.4 Trillion Today—What the U.S. Really Owes Black America

Racial Bias and Interstate Highway Planning

Race, Opportunity and Uneven Development in Urban America

Racial Bias in Hiring: Black Sounding Names vs White Sounding Names but please white people, tell me how you’re the true targets of racism.

[poppystea23]

I wish I could see the great person that people claim to see when they look at me.

[poppystea23]

Fin

My heart is pounding slowly and my breaths are more shallow than usual because I have a flood of emotions flowing through me. Is this what imminent death feels like? The feeling of finality? Sometimes I like to believe that a slow death is better than a sudden one. A slow death where you still get to enjoy some of the aspects of life even though you know it is ephemeral. A slow death that when you reflect on it, you remember all of the pain but you can say that through the pain you still were able to experience that one more moment of joy and happiness you otherwise would have never had/felt had you instantly ceased to exist.

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

[poppystea23]

WHY EATING SEASONALLY IS IMPORTANT

•save money - food is at it’s highest supply

•food is better - it is grown closer to home so less likely to rot

•support local, sustainable farmers

•more environmentally friendly

[poppystea23]

Can you see the universe within or do you see an endless pool of darkness

[poppystea23]

“I understand that there are fears leaving you all scared, in tears, that struggles are eating up your insides, leaving you wide awake at midnight I know that you are afraid of being unwanted or being too late, of becoming lost in the self-doubt while others got their lives all planned out but remember that beauty lies in the unknown and up in the skies, that coincidence is a source of liberty and your freedom worth an infinity.”

— // the future j.d.m.

[poppystea23]

I’ve been struggling with the death of this newfound friendship and interest that briefly entered into my life. My friends have been giving me advice about what they think I should do, how I should approach the situation as to not make work awkward(since we work together), how to mend my broken heart, etc. yesterday one of my best friends sent me an article about etheric cords, sharing of energies between people in relationships. It was so enlightening, so insightful and everything said pertained to me. Still hesitant to do what I know needed to be done, I added that advice to my arsenal of advice given to me by my wise peers. This morning as I cried over an unreturned message, with my mind racing about everything that has gone on, all of the possible thoughts that could be going through his brain, he rationale behind his treatment of me and my friendship with him, I stumbled upon my new horoscope for the next planetary phase where Saturn/Venus/ whatever is in retrograde in Scorpio? Or whatever the fuck that means. Anyway, as I read it, I began to see the signs that the cosmos are giving me. Constantly and consistently I have thought, felt, and heard the right answer. I have been handed the correct action on a golden platter and I have overlooked it because it’s is not something I want. I don’t want to end this. And while I wish it could go back to how it was, it never will. I am seeing that now. And while I want to know how he is doing, what he is thinking, how he is feeling, he is not doing the same with regard to me. Or maybe he is. Idk. But in a nutshell it doesn’t matter. His actions tell a different story. His actions tell that he doesn’t realize/recognize/appreciate the unsolicited and undeserved love I have for him that is beyond physicality, beyond his flaws. Just unadulterated love for his being. Even through my heartache I have reached out to show that my heart still feels for him regardless of the situation and in return silence falls upon my ears, a chill lays upon my hand that he should be holding in recognition of this admiration. In my realization of this, and in lieu of the cosmos, it has come to my realization that it’s time for me to let go, and as cliché as it sounds, if it is supposed to work; if we are supposed to be connected in this life, the cosmos will bring us together again. But until then, it is time I bid farewell to this chapter...

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

I hate being awake and idle. When I’m still, all I can do is think. When I’m stagnant, my mind races, pondering over every single movement, every word and every minute detail of every moment I’ve ever spent with you. It hurts.

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

Falling for you was easy. It felt right. Now all that is left is a black hole where a space for you was made. Now all that is left is a void that you will never fill. At first I was so overtaken with emotions that I didn’t know how to feel, but now I feel nothing. No joy, no anger, no sorrow, no desire, no anything. I’m just numb, and empy. My essence has been petrified and now I am only a fragment of what I used to be. I don’t know how to get myself out of this. I’m racking my brain trying to purge myself. It’s so hard and I don’t know where to begin...

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

Anger, betrayal, heartache,sadness and growth

This post is mostly meant to be a reminder for my talking points for my firefly. Brief story about this beautiful spirit from work. Since the first day I laid eyes upon him I was intrigued by him, his presence. I didn’t now what it was but I knew that I needed to know him. I WANTED to know him. One day when he showed up with a different uniform I seized the moment to spark a conversation and from there the interactions slowly but surely increased. I know not when it occurred, but at some point our interactions became more and more flirtatious. Part of me craved the attention while another part anchored into the ground so that I could stay level headed and realize he was doing this with everyone. But then done day whilst joking around with him I ended up getting a stuffed animal. From there my affection secretly grew. Moments of affection had been exchanged between us two on separate occasions and conversations had taken place that led me to craving more and more of him. I was beguiled by just him in general. Now flash forward to now...

NOW: I am/ was upset. I was so angry, sad, heartbroken over an interaction with him this week and it affected my emotional coping mechanism. I had to adjust and find another, which was running. So it can be assumed from the previous passage that although I am just pursuing a friendship with this man, part of me is really interested in him and has some feelings for him on some level. Up until this day of the conversation I didn’t think I cared tooooo much, to the point to where I couldn’t be objective. Obviously I was wanting whatever meant to happen, to happen with hopes it would go more in one direction than another. That being said, this conversation threw me for a loop. Let me preface it by saying that I feel like I may have possibly overreacted. There was a picture with another male friend of mine and it was captioned with me calling him an affectionate word. In a nutshell, from the conversation we had, I couldn’t tell the direction of the interaction, nor the true purpose of why some of the information was brought up. The entire interaction with my firefly that night left a bitter taste in my mouth and in my spirit. I had so many emotions flowing through me that I felt like I was going to break into pieces. I felt like some of the things were said with the malicious intention to make me jealous, hurt my feelings. Due to my newly found extreme level of attachment to him, I took the situation and internalized it to the point to where I couldn’t bear even thinking about him without getting caught up in my emotions. After a few days of contemplating and cooling off I have come to multiple realizations and questions. I know that prior to the conversations I was already irritated about something with a nurse and patient. So when I had this conversation I already had some negative feelings inside. Couple that with a person that you have feelings for joking about being mad about a picture with another man and then add in the plot twist of a date that the person you admire had with an ex whom he considers his perfect match that he let get away but is now wanting to spend more time together and you get one emotionally upended Poppy. After countless advice pieces and mulling time over, I came to the conclusion that a problem I have control over is my feelings for him and that where I went wrong was that I inadvertently set expectations of my interactions with him and put myself in a position to become attached to my time with him. Ultimately I decided that I still want to be friends with him because his spirit is still so radiant to me, however I need him to know that part of me is affectionate for him and that until I have resolved that part of myself, I need him not to talk to me about these other women in detail. If that is something he can comply with and he is still willing/wanting to be friends then we can work from that point.

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

The firefly

In the summer night there was a firefly. I caught him in a jar. Like I had done so many times before as a child, I reached for a rusty old screwdriver and stabbed holes into to top so he could get air. As I held him up in awe of his beauty; his ability to flicker with such fluorescence and freedom I began to think about the moment. What was I doing? Why was I doing it. So many times before I had done the same thing over and over again. Found him, captured him, gave him what I thought he needed, and in the process of admiring everything that beguiled me about him, he would die. So this time I decided to do something different. I unscrewed the top that I put so much effort into puncturing holes in so he could breathe, and I watched as he flew to the top of the jar. He sat on the rim for a brief moment, as if he was watching me, as he if were as smitten with me as I with him. And then like that, he was gone. I was saddened that I could no longer gawk at his sporadic light, at his beautiful flapping wings, and his whimsical free movement. I had wondered what was it that made me release him and could only come to one conclusion. Love. Because love helps you realize that you don’t have to own the light in order to admire it. You don’t have witness every flap of the wing to enjoy seeing the flight. You can just be there and watch it in the moment. As it happens. Without inhibition.

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

July 29th, 2018

So I have been away from this for a while. So long that my best friend, probably the only one to actually gave a shit about these posts, has since deleted his blog. Oh well🤷🏽‍♀️. I guess this will just be my personal online diary. So a ton of events have taken place since my last post. I’ve loved, lost, failed and succeeded in many ways. Jk about the love and lost. I have consistently been without a serious significant other for going on 1 decade. When placed in that perspective I feel slightly dismal and pathetic for some reason... back to the point. I’ve completed nursing school, passed boards, and have been working in an ER locally for a year and some change. Goodness.... so much has gone on. Too much to try to catch up in one post. I remember when I first started this, it was meant to be like my escape. My way to get feelings off of my chest and to hone in on my spiritual journey towards becoming more intune with Me ( my essence, my energetic core). At some point in my journey I was led astray, I stopped taking the time to do this for myself, and in turn my trek towards self awareness and mindfulness came to a screeching halt. Since then I have felt myself become complacent with just being. I’ve been stagnant. And while my life has in ways progressed; degree, career, more developed relationships with amazing people; it has not gone anywhere for some time now. I feel trapped; stuck in a metaphysical coma unable to break free and unable to tap into Me. I did something for the past 2 days that I haven’t done in a while. I read a book. I still have to finish it, but I am almost done with it. And after reading it and after a discussion I had with an amazing and beautiful spirit I met at work, I was ignited to begin my journey again, to find myself and release. To be continued.......

-Poppy

[poppystea23]

Justice?

Justice isnt about truth. Rather, justice is about finding the best narrator to tell the best story. Paint a picture that looks like it could be versus what it was, actually. Pull out an expected, natural and inherent emotion to invigorate a vicarious notion. Make truth into the image of the audience instead of what it was. Because the executioners, the audience determining the fate of “justice”,are already partial to fiction and reality doesn’t stand a chance. -poppy

[poppystea23]

[poppystea23]

It was everything I had envisioned. Tender. Sweet. Innocent. At that moment nothing else mattered. But alas, it was short lived. Reality set in. And though the evanescence of it all left me with the desire for more, my mind overpowered my temptation and I knew there was no going back. I knew it was over. -Poppy

[poppystea23]