popkinbandit

[popkinbandit]

Fragments of a Dream, Ch. 0.5 The Resort.

I have finally decided to gather my thoughts and start to keep the dream journal of anything that I can remember, but lately it has been difficult for me to remember anything. What I could remember for the past week has been about work.. and I didn’t feel like writing about work. Part of the reason I have not been remembering is because have not been talking about my dreams with anyone, so my brain is not used to holding onto them anymore (another is because I got a puppy recently and she is not letting me finish sleeping so I let her out, go back to bed and forget). So, today I will write fragments I remember of the dream I had last night. It will make no sense since none of it ties together in anyway but here we are.

I remember being on some trip with college classmates to a resort of some kind. There were many of us, but I only remember my good friends Nick and Tom being there. Somewhere along the line, we split up to enjoy the various attractions at this resort which was located on a vast, hilly field by a lake. Apparently, I think a jet ski is a hover craft because I went to pick up an available one and continue to speed on land to explore this resort. I spotted boats from a cliff above the waterfront but expertly maneuvered my way along the perimeter of the cliff side to people watch those below. I was heading toward a hill that lead to some buildings of the resort, still tracing the lake as I went.

Approaching the buildings at the waterfront, suddenly the resort’s golf course was revealed behind. I found the green of a par 3, hole in one. Congrats stranger, thumbs up! I don’t know... it’s just what happened. Found some classmates at the tee box of a different hole and then went on my merry way.

It was about time to return the jet ski, so naturally everything is blank until we return to a convention center of some kind at the resort. We were there to compete maybe? But me and some classmates were going to cosplay as characters from a magical girl anime, I don’t remember if there were any male characters.. probably not. So anyway, we were about to cross dress for this thing and maybe it was supposed to embarrass some of us, but I didn’t care and mentioned Miku at the door to my friend Nick. He was confused and I just replied Shokugeki no Soma and entered a giant, unisex locker room. Everything was partitioned off, you pervert.. this isn’t the bath episode yet. 

Well anyway, at this time I really had to pee. I go into one partition, no toilet or urinal. What the f? Oh right, changing area. I go to the other side where another grouping of partitions are as someone else was rushing over there. Two opened up, and the guy who was in a hurry thanked me. Why? He must have had a toilet... I get in the opposite one and again, there’s no toilet or urinal. What the hell is up with this place? Well, instead of either of the expected fixtures, there is a pouch on the partition I was closing (it was a sliding door for some reason) that appeared to have ice in it. I was confused, but couldn’t care anymore. I peed in the pouch and then inspected it after, is this what I was supposed to do? How do I flush? Well, apparently my puppy also had to pee because this is the last thing I remember before she woke me up.

[popkinbandit]

Letting words flow forth like a river of the damned.

I gotta say this isn't really how I envisioned kicking off a blog, I don't intend to update regularly with this kind of thing. Originally, this blog was intended to be a sort of dream journal where I could write about the literal dreams I have as I have told stories about a few of my more fun lucid/memorable dreams. I still intend on doing this at some point, only time will tell. Please, if you’re in my family, don’t bring this up to the others- no one needs to worry. Anyway, here goes...

This is a trial of my own being; something new that I feel is necessary, as for many people have not seen the side of myself with emotion other than laughter or sarcasm. A dark, dry sense of humor is often worn as a mask to hide the true face of what may be residing underneath. Many, I feel, know this to be the case, but only a few have known what runs through my mind. From the outside looking in, I have been told that I always seem happy or that I don't have any problems getting what I strive for. Lately, I have spoken with leaders in the work place that have said I speak with confidence and I am sure of myself. At times, in the right context... I feel that could be the case. However, my emotional state at times is just a downward spiral of sadness and depression. Trapped in these thoughts governed by my bitter, self-loathing tendencies and my nature of being a pessimist, I often have a difficult time getting out of this frame of mind and back to my normal self without the act. I keep the charade of happiness/indifference up not because I don't want people to know that I am sad, but for some reason in my mind I see the possible outward show of my emotion as a burden on another person to witness.

So why am I sending this out now? I assure you, it is not an outcry for attention nor do I feel especially worse than I usually do during a spell similar to the one I am having now. I do not want your pity, your attention. I do not seek your affection or words of guidance as I often see kind words in moments such as these as facade, a flimsy excuse for support no matter how sincere your statement may be. I send this because through my stubbornness, I have convinced myself your words will not help me. The shield I put up to protect myself is the same one that will keep people away. While directly, I will not allow anyone to help me, indirectly, you make a world of difference. The actual conversation may not help and I may not allow it to, but knowing the conversation can take place helps just the same. Maybe someone will find this one day, and know that in an instant, your sincerity and friendship may have been the saving grace someone or myself needed to get back to their true self.

Now, the emotion I keep bottled up leaks out at times. Some may notice my state is just a ruse and what I am thinking comes out anyway. I try not to draw attention to it, because often it will just make me feel worse when I think about it more than in passing. My shortcomings, the things that keep me circling the same thoughts even to myself seem like they shouldn't matter, but my brain does not care. I have a stable job, a family that loves me, and a small circle of friends I am glad I get to spend my life around. Still, these jabs back at the relentless thought that I will always be alone (among other dumb thoughts- this is just topic of the event/most recurring) never seem to be enough. One thing I wish for is a companion, a love, who will stick by my side and with all my selfish desire I believe that she needs to be the one to find me and there is no way I can find her on my own. People who know me also know I am very particular in who I am looking for, but I can't even say I know what my own 'type' is. When I see a woman who may be of interest to me, I put her up on a pedestal in my mind. I idealize what she is like, using anything I learn about her and take it to unrealistic standard, both believing that if she is that great- she could find anyone she wanted, and if she isn't- then maybe she isn't who I believed she was and need to step back and rethink who she could be. Well, once I do this, regardless of the outcome of my standard, I think to myself 'if she could have anyone she wanted by her side, why would she pick me?' (enter pessimism).

What I lack in human companionship, I replace with allowing myself to show all my affection to my dog. While it does help my mood to hug it out with my pet or show him the attention and love I feel for him, I am fully aware that my dog does not share the same lifespan I do. He is getting on in years and I fear in the upcoming years, he may be gone. I know when this happens, it will almost surely feel as if I am being ripped in two. In the past, the voice in my head telling me I am alone would often be quelled by the assurance that something would happen. In high school, when I began feeling this need for someone else to be involved in my life to feel like I was complete- I would tell myself, something will happen; it may not end up like in cinema or literature, but somewhere, somehow, I will approach someone or I would be approached by someone who would end up in my life and fill this newly discovered void. Well, four years of high school later, this feeling did not pass nor did I find anyone who I could consider to be my significant other. No worries, I just got into college! I am going to one of the biggest party schools in the area. No doubt something would happen on campus either on purpose or by accident that would help the fates weave someone to the same path I was on. This voice, always present, kept saying I was going to be alone forever, and up through college, I successfully held this voice at bay by barking back- “just you wait! I am bound to meet someone like myself at this place.” Well, college is over; here I am. No one. Still, the voice calls out to me- “I told you, alone.” There's only one problem, I'm done with school. Six years have come and went at this college I would find someone at only to realize that you have to be the one to make that happen. Conflict and resolution does not fall into your lap like in some story or movie, but now I have gone more than twenty years of my life and I have not learned how to begin this story I am trying to plan out that would be the rest of my life. Now I am here, and it feels like nothing changes. I am stuck in this cycle, so when you wonder why you never heard anything about my feelings until after college, the long and short of it- it never lasted. I always managed to shut up the voice by telling it I would feel complete before I got to that next step. Well, the next step is here, and I still don't know what to do.

Anyway that is enough rambling for me right now. Just know this, friend; you matter. You may never truly know how much you affect which people in your life, but believe that you are someone's reason to continue waking up and living their life the next morning.

Long days and pleasant nights.