poooootchi

[poooootchi]

The final stretch was a stretch too thin. Hanging on for dear life with measly tendrils for a lifeline, the easiest part was the shame that came with it. The hardest part is to watch the most important person carry a heavier burden, wanting to help and not being able to help at all.

I pity the world who doesn’t see him the way I see him, the world who judges him way too harshly. The world who’d rather punish him for his curious intellect.

The world is not a wish granting factory, given. My heart hurts for him, for all that’s happening. But through the good and the bad, I am his and he is mine. I won’t stop fighting for him and with him.

[poooootchi]

I mean, our lives depend on each other for, like, eternity? That’s my own worst personal nightmare. 

[poooootchi]

Extinguished

Fire put out

Poured over with, get it over with

Arid smoke now choking everyone

Flames that once burned bright

Consumed everything that’s possible

All that’s left is ashes

And all the smoke that blinded us

Robbed us of a way out

Unclear, uncertain

All these burns for what

All these tears for that

I can’t breathe

I can’t see a thing

Tell me how did this spin so out of control

You’ve been extinguished 

No chance of rebirth, no coming back from the ashes

Why did you let us extinguish

Burned all possible bridges

[poooootchi]

[poooootchi]

And if love is ever just about ticking boxes and waiting for the right person to fit in those, are you really asking for somebody to love or an applicant to fill in the job of being your object of affection?

The past is always a hard pill to swallow. For people who stumbled on the same path I did, it is the litmus paper of who leaves and stays. It cuts us deeper as we watch the people we have hoped to stay, bolt out the door in disgust of who we were. Utter, pure, adulterated disgust.

We watch them take back the love they claim to profess.

We soldier on for we are damaged goods. And whosoever claims to know our worth know nothing of the damage that was inflicted upon us by others and by ourselves.

There goes another one.

No matter what I become, no matter where I go, I am always the trash I have always been.

[poooootchi]

You probs don’t need a girlfriend. You’re too tired to even hold quality conversations with me. All you wanna do is sleep, wake up from sleep, eat, and then sleep some more. It was foolish of me to wait and see, to think that maybe you’ll adjust into it and later on find the energy and time to squeeze me in. It’s true, you spend money on me by taking me out on occasional dates, you get scolded on because you spend too much, apparently you’ve been spending your money on me. Thank you, but hey, I did not ask you to be me food or any of that. YOU INSISTED. And I understand that all those were done in good faith, because you sincerely wanted to get me food and you were being generous... or you probably wanted to eat but since your girlfriend is piss poor, you decided to get her food as well so you can tag her along. Whatever your reasons are, you gave me so many things, thank you. 

I’m not taking anything from you, ever again. I don’t like you spending a single dime on me from now on because that’s not what I need. If you think it makes up for all the lost time, it doesn’t. I’d rather we be poor and eating junk food on the side walk, talking about how our days went. 

You hate what you do so much that it managed to kill the inner you. There’s nothing to talk about on your end because you move aimlessly just to get things over with and go home. You don’t deserve this shit from me because you’re angry at your life choices, and extremely tired, but what about me? Do you think I deserve this from you? You are so much better than this. 

You don’t get the point. You’re not receptive, frankly because you don’t want to be. You managed to reduce me to this small girl who just wants her drama done for drama’s sake. Like maybe if you scold me, maybe I’d realize that my drama isn’t worth your precious golden time and I might just drop it. If I cry, you just dismiss it as “because I’m a crybaby and I cry easily”. You like invalidating whatever I’m trying to say because your problem is bigger so I I should just be ashamed of myself for even bringing up my concerns. 

The problem is, you stopped fighting for what you want. You stopped taking control of the situation and you just let life kick you in the balls everyday. You don’t like the repercussions of your career decisions, so you have to live in hell everyday being in a place you don’t like. FINE. That does suck, of course it does. But you let it get to you. You marinated yourself in misery, you have no eyes for anything else but that.

You don’t need me. You don’t need a girlfriend. A girlfriend will only take your precious time away from rest and will ask you about your day, and will not be satisfied with half-ass replies and emojis when all you want to do is be absorbed in your misery and just watch videos of whatever you feel like watching, eating and sleeping.

I constantly have to wait for you to be free/off your shift, I get so excited all the time to finally have you talk to me, only to get half of you in the conversation and half of you drifting to dreamland. If you think that doesn’t hurt, you’re an asshole. I do things all day, with you constantly on my mind, Wondering if you’re doing okay, if you have already eaten, praying that you don’t lose your temper, praying that you get less tasks as much as possible. Of course I miss you. Of course, I look forward to anything that has to do with you. 

Like right now, you obviously just got off your shift. I had an interview today and I did some reading and studying. Probably the only one affected with this is, again, me. Look, I had to type all this out because it’s clouding my thoughts, I can’t get jack shit done without having to think about you. While I’m betting my right ovary you just arrived at your dormitory and you are now relaxing because you need rest for another shift tomorrow. It’s none of your concern that we haven’t spoken all day. Fuck me, right? Nah, you’re okay. There’s too much in your plate and you don’t need an unreasonable (verbatim) woman on your tail.

You don’t see an issue with what you’re doing so this is all pretty much a moot point. We can’t change what doesn’t want to be changed, we can’t help what doesn���t want to be helped. 

[poooootchi]

The thing that hurts the most is the fact that I lied to myself. I wanted things to be good so badly that I made up things to gloss over the bad parts. I know that sounds stupid, but that’s exactly what I did. I actually believed it too. To want is a bad thing sometimes. It gets people hurt. It got me hurt. The world is a lonely place and people will go to great lengths to find someone whom they can be with. Someone who doesn’t think that they’re a creep. Just wanting to be able to talk to someone, that want will make you do some nasty things to yourself.

Henry Rollins (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[poooootchi]

it feels right, loving him like it’s something your soul acknowledged long ago and even though you are forced to wait to tell him you know that when he comes back to you the universe will be softer just because he’s in your arms  and the wait just makes your heart belong to him even more and a day where his voice doesn’t echo in your mind is one not lived and he’s saved you  and shaped you and you, you, yearn to enshrine him in the constellations   because this love is something like devotion, like absolution

Unfinished Stories #24 by Abby S (via fireandsteelofangels)

[poooootchi]

[poooootchi]

He’s always so tired, so bland, so extinguished. I’ve been waiting for the warmth for extensive periods of time, only to have it gone even before the fire consumes me, like it used to. I see it, it’s there and most of the time, I hope for what has been. It’s just that I was probably right about the beginning of a permanent limit. There is no use to ask more from a person who gives me everything he has, but how do I have the heart to tell him that something feels wrong? That something is amiss?

He’s always so tired, so bland, so extinguished. And I miss him even if he’s sleeping right beside me. But I will stay. I will always stay. 

[poooootchi]

Imagine that Icarus didn’t fall. That Apollo heard the cries of his lover and caught his hand just in time. We would have two suns in the sky, curling around each other in fierce adoration and burning with the merciless vigor of love. Imagine the loss the ocean felt when she watched from a distance, longing lacing around her heart and regret tearing through her throat. In a jealous rage, the ocean would make the world end. In less than a minute she would flood the coast and sweep inland, with the heat of her fury evaporating the ocean spray. Only the return of Icarus to her embrace would dissipate her wrath and spare the lives of mortals. Imagine that Apollo, like any other god, is selfish to a fault. He craves worship and the sweet words of his lover won’t be enough for eternity. Icarus would eventually fade and crumble between his fingers, and Apollo knows this. With a sorrowful excuse dripping off his lips, he lets Icarus slip from him like the wax melting beneath his hands. Imagine the receding waves that reached up to meet Icarus’ anguished screams as he fell away from his lover. While his tears sizzled on the still-hot wax of his burnt wings, reeking of betrayal and absent abandon, he cursed the gods and pitied those who worshiped them.

—No matter what variation the myth takes on, the fall is inevitable, and somehow it’s more heartbreaking that way | a.h

[poooootchi]

And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, They danced by the light of the moon.

Edward Lear, The Owl and the Pussycat (via feellng)

[poooootchi]

If someone treats you badly recognize that there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people do not go around destroying other people.

(via psych2go)

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Note to self

[poooootchi]

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps but other people emphasize my loneliness.

Anais Nin (via minuty)

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[poooootchi]

what i literally do not understand ,

is why its ok

to insult your fucking child, and then expect them to respect you, as if you treated them like they fucking deserve to be 

like no im not going to fucking admire you as a parent if you make me feel like shit

you’re supposed to bring your kids self esteem up not shatter it