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[poofey]

I'm in a whole mood right now.

No direct triggers or anything that brought about this mood, I told my husband. But one thought led to another and suddenly I feel frustration.

I explained to my husband that I feel so frustrated of having to share a room with his auntie as a married couple. 2 months feels like two years not being able to have our own space. Our privacy. To have pillow talks, to cuddle, to be tangled up in each others' bodies. Like newlyweds should. Especially, as newlyweds.

It's one thing to be living under one roof with your husband's family, but another to share a whole room with his maid.

To have her snoring beside us as we lay together on the bed feels so awkward. Even stroking my husband's hair in front of her feels wrong. Sometimes, on weekend mornings, she'd walked into the room without knocking, only to find us wrapping our legs around each other. Even though I can't see her face, I feel her awkwardness and embarrassment. Almost as if she was chastising herself for walking in on us in a compromising situation.

As someone who already stresses over our family hearing us having sex anytime we get the room to ourselves, imagine the shame. The shame, every time his auntie catches us embracing each other just a little more intimately.

There is actually a trigger that led to this mood. It was the recollection of that one night when his auntie awoke to the sounds of us scrambling to find our clothes in the dark of the room when we got home late at night. She asked in a sleepy stupor, "why got so much noise?" And I took the opportunity to retort out of spite, "It's okay, we are moving out soon."

A few days later, his auntie confessed, teary eyed, that she felt so sad hearing me say that. She also added that she understands that I'm feeling frustrated too, not having my own space. I apologised and quickly explained that I did not mean for it to sound like we are happy to get out of her way (although only I knew I really meant it that way). I then followed up by explaining that life is such. We should let people grow up and live their lives. And she agreed.

I love Aaron's auntie. She takes care of the family and spoils my husband rotten (given that she raised him up to be the man he is today). But if I were to be honest, I thank the universe everyday that she's not my mother-in-law. Her relentless favouritism for Aaron is truly overbearing. It really does seem like she wishes Aaron were tied to her apron strings forever. She seems to expect me to be the one doing all the housework for Aaron. Maybe it's cos I'm unemployed at the moment but I think she had the same expectations even when I was employed.

I really really can't wait to be away from her and just enjoy my husband's company. And only my husband.

Once she asked, "When are you having baby ah?" i had half a mind to ask her, "how?" but thought better of it. What a silly, tactless question to ask. Especially when you do not realise you are the reason for why it's hard for us to have a baby.

We haven't had slow long romantic sex right before bed in a long time. (The last time it happened, we were probably in our Harvard apartment.) In whatever fortuitous moments we have with privacy (usually it's when his auntie is outside of the room or when the whole family is out), our sex is always so rushed and functional almost. Aaron's auntie might come home at any point in time and could very well barge into our room the moment she returns.

Very recently, I cried after sex, not cos it was fucking orgasmic it brought me to tears, but because I was so upset that we never cuddled after sex. We just can't afford to sneak in little moments like that to without feeling paranoid about getting caught. We don't get enjoy each other's company post sex. Our sex, in Aaron's house, is barely romantic. Always rushed, and "ok done. Now let's quickly clean up and faster go to the toilet to pee".

I've brought this up to Aaron a couple times previously. But everytime I'm just met with a helpless (and almost exasperated) response, "what do you want me to do? What can we even do in this situation apart from just waiting it out?" True, the only solace I can find in this is that we have a condo waiting for us soon. But it's also this sense of helplessness during these long drawn out days of not having privacy as a newlywed couple that weighs down on me.

I just told Aaron, "Which woman? Which woman would be so gracious to put up with this? To share a room with her husband's old maid?" He just rubbed my arm and said, "Just a few days more ok?"

What else can we do really? Apart from just waiting these days of having no privacy out?

When people think I have it all, or that I struck gold with Aaron, they don't see this, or the other compromises I make. Having to sacrifice privacy before we get rich.

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Massage chairs in the Peer Helpers' Cozy Haven 😊

And inane conversations with my boyfriend...

"This is like some medieval torture shit"

"Huh? I don't think it's torture I think the medieval prisoners would appreciate it."

"Really?"

"Yeah..."

"Sure but they didn't even appreciate the lobsters that they get." (Lobsters were once prisoners' food can u believe it when did it become a food for the rich???)

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pretty henna

Cleaning auntie (to my henna): B... beautiful!

Me (shy but happy): Thank you 😊

Cleaning auntie: How...? beautiful!! you!! so nice!!!

Me: 这个是印度的纹身

Also, good point to mention here, I was wearing my nose ring as well.

Cleaning auntie: 你是印度人吗?

Me: 不是，我是华人。可是我喜欢印度的东西。

Cleaning auntie: "哎哟，你这个好美啊 [referring to my hand]。看我的手没有你的美。以后可以帮我做啊。"

Me: 谢谢。你太客气了。。好啊。。

3 points:

1. I attempted to do the very same henna design right before I started uni about 4 years back. This design is based off the Rihanna inspired henna looking tattoo on her hand. My first attempt on this henna design looked messy and amateurish. The consistency of the henna paste I used then was watery and terrible, and the lines on the henna design were fat and blobby. Yuck ok.

Anyway I attended a henna workshop right before recess week and I immediately practiced what I learnt by attempting to draw the same henna design again.

I must say I have been getting a lot more compliments this time round.

2. Should have ended the convo by saying “哈哈，以后有机会的话我可以帮你弄啦” instead of just awkwardly saying “谢谢。你太客气了。。好啊。。” Lame point but still.

3. I realised I like like quite a bit of Indian natural beauty tips. Like keeping my hair long and thick by dousing my hair with coconut oil, henna and jasmine treatment, finding eyebrow threaders who will thread my eyebrows the Indian way, or wearing nose rings (not a natural beauty tips but still primarily Indian).

Sometimes it's the lame bimbotic things like that that make me feel grateful for being a Singaporean/South East Asian. I think very very few East Asians will be familiar with all these amazing beauty tips that my friends/fellow Singaporean Indians use here. Ok but granted, they probably will like a different kind of beauty as well. With that being said, I always much rather be identified as a "Singaporean" or "South East Asian" rather than being identified as a “Chinese” or “Chinese Singaporean” (despite my Chinese heritage and ancestors' diaspora).

It just makes me feel so much more diversity embracing, you know... and I kinda like that 🤗

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Thai food and ice cream with A on a Tuesday night cos we don’t have lessons the next day!

How you know your boyfriend is DUDE AF

A (on GIF): “Boyfriend like a rock. Solid rock in my life”

Me: more like “boyfriend like a stone, emotionless boring stone"

A: “I think you’re being very harsh” Go find a new stone

Me: next time please move with me in my gifs or boomerangs

A: You didn’t tell me I was honestly Wondering why you were moving in the picture

Me: HAHAHA no wonder you got IQ below 75 face

A: HAHAH No really I think that was the exact instant I was thinking Eyy wait… why she moving

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need this so that others can laugh along