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Customer: CHUNKY PAPI DMV: CHUNKY PUSSY Verdict: DENIED

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i keep seeing this cut off but the preceding “yessiree” is vital to it imo

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Imagine if they find Luigi innocent and he has to go through the rest of his life as That Guy Who Got Turbodoxxed That One Time Because Everyone Thought He Was An Assassin.

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shorthands for dumbassery that i have grown to love deeply

"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post

"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior

"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares

"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.

"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all

".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity

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As a trans woman I think it's really important that we make the switch from gendered washrooms to unisex single occupancy ones so that adults who still live with their parents because housing is unaffordable can meet up and suck and fuck eachother at coffee shops.

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i cant believe connie is a filthy homestuck

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having a freeze response to stress is so funny in the context of normal adult stressors. millions of years of evolution are trying to tell me that the email will not find me if i stay very still and do nothing

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A tourist murders my sister, steals her shoes, and accepts a mission from my political rivals to literally murder me? And I’m the villain???

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Bugs became way cooler to me when I realized they're basically tiny biological robots. He ain't botherin nobody his prime directive is just [SEEK NUTRIENT]

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they should invent a submarine that can go into the tar pits so that we can go down and not look at anything because tar is opaque and also it breaks and we die in the tar but we shouldnt report it so we can forget it ever happened so that a couple years later we can come up with the same exact bad idea and die in the tar again

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Our very own Tumblr CEO, @david is Metal Gear Solid’s Big Boss this Halloween. Yup, our Big Boss is better than your Big Boss! 

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i feel like this is exactly how i sound when i post on here

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Something about the pacing and editing of this bit when he just kept saying 3 really scratched my brain

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putting [gender] dni on your blog on tumblr feels a lot like going to a rave and asking them to turn on the lights and confiscate all the drugs and alcohol and have quiet reading time. like do u know where you are and what these people believe