poetrypuke

[poetrypuke]

not mine but i wanted to keep it here because i resonate with it so strongly.

by x.com/tfwfix

[poetrypuke]

Every day, for as long as I’ve been acknowledged as a woman, have I ruminated my appearance for countless hours that will never be returned to me.

For more than half my life, every waking moment I find myself conscious of how I am perceived. So often I am unable to connect with those around me for fear their thoughts are consumed with my hideous complexion. Even alone I struggle to allow myself enjoyment when I sit in aesthetic mediocrity.

Today I am still, confusing halted motivation for anxiety as my mirror screams obscenities back at me.

[poetrypuke]

Do the trees ever kiss?

Do their branches intertwine?

Do their roots tangle eachother?

I imagine their trunks becoming closer

Closer and closer, changed by the years

Pulling through mud and rock

Do the trees fall in love?

Do they fall victim to the decades?

A life much longer than my own

With a closeness I will never know

Grown strong through years of proximation

Do the trees finally kiss?

When they fall from the storms?

Finally close enough to try.

[poetrypuke]

When I was younger

By just a few years

I might have told you that

Selling my body was liberating,

Echos of reclaiming something stolen,

both long ago,

and then again everyday.

Why not commodify my body,

and remove the question of my own consent?

A product cannot be violated

It exists to be consumed.

I let myself be consumed.

So my home was no longer mine,

and people came and went as they pleased,

falling in love with walls covered in paper

as the foundation buckled beneath.

[poetrypuke]

You are a dead body that stands in the room with me

Your bones creak and your eyes are open but you do not make a sound

I call you back to the land of the living

But my message is denied in purgatory

You’re in heaven now, no concern for me

Or anyone you’ve left on the ground

You, who once breathed life into my own dying body

Walking corpse, a dying memory.

[poetrypuke]

I’m convinced it is all my fault

With all the counter evidence in the world

It still must be my fault.

Imperfect as I may be, I’m sure

It’s probably my fault.

The reassurances sound like lies

Because it’s most definitely my fault

That’s why I’m alone, so alone

Because everyone knows

That absolutely everything

is all my fault.

[poetrypuke]

You didn’t allow me to be a good partner to you, you always felt undeserving. I never understood why, until I understood you couldn’t be with me forever. You could not accept the love I gave you, and it made me believe I wasn’t loving at all. Maybe I could’ve tried harder, I don’t know what difference it would’ve made. I think I felt like a nuisance. A burden. And I let you do so much for me, I think because it made me think you loved me. Maybe you did. I mean, I know you did at one point, I just don’t know when that ended. When I stopped being enthralling.

I think I felt unwanted by you for a long time, and I didn’t know that was what I was feeling. I thought I was depressed for you, but I was ignoring what I knew to be true. You were trying to make the space between us widen. I should’ve believed you when you showed me you couldn’t stay close to me.

I should’ve believed you when you didn’t bring me flowers.

[poetrypuke]

I’d like to stop feeding these thoughts of you. It only makes my heart ache.

[poetrypuke]

— C.T. Salazar; Headless John The Baptist Hitchhiking

[poetrypuke]

When we met, I was getting over a break up. I was actually going a little crazy from it, craving nothing more than to be wanted. I didn’t want anyone back, contrary to the narrative I was presenting. I wanted to be fun and single and date. I thought I could be this fleeting force with no feelings or attachments. Of course, that’s never been who I am.

So imagine my surprise when 2 months into my hand crafted reality, you showed up. The moment you walked into the room my whole world stopped. Not a single thought could find itself unaccompanied by you.

I knew, I knew that you who invaded my dreams and broke my mind were something irresponsible to engage, but like I said, I was going a little crazy, and I wanted you so bad.

You didn’t really have a choice in the matter, I had claimed you as territory before I even knew your name. I’ve never felt anything like it. I still haven’t.

I bring this up because of course I’m watching Bojack Horseman. I bet you remember that as my comfort show, perhaps it’s own red flag. Anyway, Mr. Peanutbutter is going through his divorce with Diane and he meets Pickles. Of course he’s infatuated with her from the start. And she returns these feelings, because he’s Mr. Peanutbutter. How could you not love him? Well after an exchange of word vomit from either side Pickle acknowledges that this is a bad time for him to be in a relationship. His reply?

“I can’t control when I meet somebody special.”

Well, would you believe that was my mantra? That’s how I justified my obsession with you, from the ramblings of a cartoon dog.

How fitting that Pickles ends up leaving him because she can’t be tied down and needs to live freely?

Maybe not exactly how you phrased it, but that’s the reason isn’t it? You resented me from stealing your freedom. Though, I would have gladly given you mine every day for the rest of my life if you had just asked.

I’d have done anything for you if you had just asked.

[poetrypuke]

i’m not sure i’m capable of being loved right now / i feel safe in my quiet way of living and telling my secrets to thread & paper / i don’t know what i’d say if you asked me to know myself / more

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Holding on to hurt.

[poetrypuke]

Vincent Van Gogh

[poetrypuke]

my vintage playboy collages :)

[poetrypuke]

Imperfect.

[poetrypuke]

“I love you but you want to be somebody else’s baby,

You love me but you’re over it and you start to hate me.”

- Maude Latour (Strangers Forever)

[poetrypuke]

I thought about you and smiled today. I thought about the first time you told me you loved me, and I smiled. I waited for the pain that comes along with all my memories of you. But it never came. I just remembered how you made me feel.

And I smiled.