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[pleaseburnthisblogafterreading]

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF VILLAINOUS

(this is literally the worst thing i’ve ever written, but it’s so funny and heck, i love @infiniteslug / @brokevillainous that I could NOT pass up writing another story for them. So... yeah. Introducing the story, Epic Rap Battles of Villainous. Enjoy, my VIBs)

Broke Hat was quite upset at what Demencia had made him do.

Of course, he wasn’t surprised by the fact that Demencia had run away in the middle of the night to go and join one of… ugh, Party Hat’s raves. She was exactly the kind of demographic that they would invite: a young, attractive woman just looking for some fun. Ew, even the thought of those words disgusted him, and a dark grimace fell over his face. He would’ve loved to end the party with a little surprise, but this stupid inhibitor that Flug insisted he wear at all times kept him from fulfilling his dreams of stopping the parties once and for all. And besides, Flug would most likely frown upon it, anyway. Stupid mortal, and his stupid morality and ethics.

“One person. At least,” he had asked, even though he shouldn’t have been pleading with someone as insignificant as… Well, not insignificant anymore, he supposed. It was right in the name, significant other. However, he was still the superior, still the dominant, still Black Hat!

“No. I already told you once, and I won’t tell you again. You cannot murder anyone tonight,” Flug had said, grabbing a windbreaker that he had bought from the local Goodwill with some of the extra tips he had received. It was even in the style of a bomber jacket, which to be honest, Flug thought was amazing. Anything having to do with airplanes and flight was always a plus side, and it even had little patches on it. Demencia had made fun of him for loving it so much, but he couldn’t care less. It was a small comfort in this unforgiving world, and he wasn’t going to give it up just because some people didn’t appreciate it as much as he did. However, what he could care less about, though shouldn’t, was still staring at him with a grimace, Broke Hat’s version of puppy dog eyes. Flug sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “Look, we have to keep a low profile,” he continued, grabbing an extra paper bag and some goggles to conceal his identity from the rest of the world. Broke Hat scoffed at that, crossing his arms and cocking an eyebrow, jutting out a hip. “And you’re going to keep a low profile with a paper bag on your head and goggles? Ha, don’t make me laugh.” he said, pulling off a rather sassy pose for an eldritch abomination that took over the world twice and only gave it back because he was bored.

Flug opened his mouth to argue, before hesitating. He was a scientist. He had not one, not two, but four Ph.D.s, and he couldn’t even come up with a clever retort to his monster boyfriend? Unacceptable. He shut his mouth, though, and just motioned for him to follow. Broke Hat growled at that, narrowing his eyes as he reluctantly followed his boyfriend out of the apartment. “Why do I have to come, anyway,” he asked, annoyance clear in his voice. “Why can’t I just stay at home? We did get that lovely gift of Dreamworks movies, and I would hate to see them go to waste.”

Flug had to take a deep breath to not lose his mind at that. He had worked an eight hour shift that day, only getting one, count that ONE fifteen minute break, spending the rest of that time on his feet getting harassed by upset customers, only to find that Broke Hat had just allowed Demencia to run off and join what may well be a circus because he was too busy watching the fucking Bee Movie?! Not even with little notice, she explicitly said she was going “out,” whilst forcing a huge sum of cash into her purse, and Broke had just let her leave?!

“It was engrossing, and disgusting and pitiful, and whoever this Seinfeld human is should be ashamed,” he had said when explaining what had happened before Flug had gotten home, holding up the box the movie came in, before a slow realization washed over his face. “Bee… Movie… Oh my Satan it’s because they’re bees, isn’t it?”

Flug face palmed.

It wasn’t even a full copy, it was a bootleg someone had recorded while they were in the theaters! Why someone in their right mind would still have a bootleg copy of The Bee Movie ten years later was a mystery to him, and one that he was not willing to solve. Ever. He wondered if the rest of the movies they had received were also bootlegs, but he wasn’t willing to figure that out, either. They had a mission to accomplish, and whether they wanted to or not, it was getting done.

“Because you lost her, and she’s your friend,” Flug said, opening the door to let the other out. Broke Hat followed, grumbling something under his breath. “Friend is a strong term,” he muttered like the petulant child he was, stomping out of the apartment in a huff before kicking at a can that lay in the middle of the hallway. Luckily, nobody seemed to notice the noise, even though it was twelve in the morning, but if Broke kept this behavior up, they’d definitely get an eviction notice sooner, rather than later. “And I did not lose her. I simply misplaced her,” he continued, waving his hand dismissively as if he hadn’t lost a human being with fucking lizard powers.

Luckily, since they lived in the middle of a bustling city, it wasn’t too hard to find transportation at this time of night. However, that did not stop Broke Hat from grumbling the entire way to the bus stop about how he had bigger fish to fry, more irons in the fire, and just really, really didn’t want to go to Party Hat’s house. “Well, I don’t want to go either, but look where we are. We’ve lost our only other means of income, plus my entire tip jar, and if I have to take a day off or something, it’s not going to be good for any of us. Maybe if someone hadn’t been so busy, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

That shut Broke up.

The rest of the trip was made in relative silence. Flug was just sitting there, hands in his pocket with his head down and trying not to fume, but failing miserably, while Broke Hat just looked out the window, wondering how something so awful, so heinous, could be made by a human being. He would need to find more information on this crime against the universe when he got home, but for now, his analysis of the film would have to do.

“Flug.”

“What is it?”

“Have you… Have you ever seen the movie? The movie I showed you?”

Flug let out a sigh, putting an arm over his face as he leaned back even further. He did not need this in his life right now. “Yes, Broke. I’ve seen the Bee Movie starring Jerry Seinfeld, made in 2007. Why do you ask?” He glanced at Broke Hat.

“Why? Why is it so awful,” the other, his other, asked, narrowed eye laced with confusion. “How could humans think it was such a good idea to make a bee and a human fall in love? Isn’t that bestiality?”

“Beestiality,” Flug muttered under his breath, crossing his arms as he tried to avoid the conversation, before realizing what he had said.

Broke Hat seemed to have caught the pun before Flug could take it back, and stared at him as if he had just said, or even thought, of a verse from the Holy Bible. “What did you just say,” Broke Hat asked, eye as wide as a saucer. “Can you repeat that?”

“It was nothing, and this conversation is over.”

“Flug-” “OVER!”

They sat in a bit more silence after that, until the sound of blaring music could be heard, and the two men groaned, slumping back in their seats. Electronic dance music? And, for Broke Hat anyway, the smell of sweat and glow sticks? It could only mean one thing: Their stop was coming soon. And sure enough, on the sidewalk, over the top of the hill, lights could be seen flashing into the sky, as the music got louder and louder, coming to a crescendo when they finally reached the top.

There sat the weirdest looking house Flug had ever seen, and that was really saying something, considering his previous workplace had been a giant top hat with six floors, over sixty different rooms that shifted from location to location at random intervals, and an airplane crashed into the side of it. Sure, that last part may have been his fault, but it was still strange that nobody thought to clean it up. Broke Hat was usually a stickler for making sure everything was perfect, especially anything that was associated with him, so it was a wonder that it was still there, even to this day.

That didn’t matter right now, though. What mattered was getting Flug’s entire tip jar back, even if it meant travelling to the pits of Hell itself to do so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The first thing Flug noticed was that Jesus Christ, the music was loud. And not just loud like a rock concert, loud to the point that it was near deafening. And they were only outside! How anyone could survive being in there twenty four seven was a mystery to the both of them. This was probably why that DJ Glug guy only spoke in sign language most of the time. Flug wondered if they had ever actually heard him say anything, but couldn’t think of a time where that had actually happened.

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME,” Broke Hat shouted over the music, Flug shaking his head to rid himself of the thoughts. Broke Hat took this as a no.

“Goddammit, Flug! How are we going to get back our idiot if you won’t even pay attention?! I will repeat myself one more time, and only one, so you better be paying attention or else!” Flug knew he didn’t mean the insult, or the threat, but still nodded and went along with it. It was Broke Hat’s only way of showing much emotion around other people, his only solace in life, and Flug wasn’t going to try to take it away from him. It would be like taking a security blanket from a baby. A large, demonic, aggressive baby.

“We go in, right? I start going after people, while you… You do whatever. I couldn’t care less, really.” Broke Hat made a dismissive hand motion.

“We’re not doing that,” Flug said, head in his hands as the music pierced his eardrums. He really wished he had salvaged the noise cancelling headphones he had kept in the lab during long days where Demencia would do nothing but play her guitar, and Black Hat was nowhere to be seen. Those days were long gone, sure, but the thought of having those cushiony pillows for your ears was one that he didn’t want to pass up. Back to the topic at hand, though. He thought for a second, placing a hand on his chin, before coming up with an idea that just might work. “How about we both sneak in, find Demencia, and sneak back out before anyone can notice us.”

Broke Hat pondered the plan for a few seconds, rubbing his temples before letting out a reluctant sigh. “Fine. But I’m not following this plan because I want to. Only because it seems smart enough,” he said with a grimace, crossing his arms and pouting. Flug rolled his eyes with a soft smile, before wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close.

“I know you’re worried about Demencia.”

“I’m not.”

“And I know how much you want her back.”

“I really don’t.”

“But we’re going to get her, and it won’t be that much of a hassle,” Flug finished, giving Broke Hat a quick peck on the cheek. This caused Broke to stand up and stomp towards the upside down top hat that acted as the main base of operations for Party Hat.

The thing that hit them hardest when they entered the building, for Flug, was the sound. He couldn’t even hear his own thoughts in here, let alone anything that the other man was saying. Luckily for him, Broke Hat wasn’t actually speaking. He was much too focused on the smell of the place: it reeked of half drunk glow sticks, sugar, vodka, and sweat, and the combination of the smells just made him want to puke up all of his internal organs, necessary or otherwise.

He forced himself to refrain, though. Knowing Party Hat, if he caught even the slightest whiff of either of them, it would not be good for anybody. Especially not Broke. He didn’t want to deal with that child he was forced to call his brother. He just needed to get Demencia, make sure all of the money was accounted for, and skedaddle befor-

A raised hand signalled for the music to cease, and the duo froze, all eyes on the both of them as a spotlight shone down on them, before a voice, effeminate and rather sassy sounding, rang through the crowd. “Why, what a pleasant, but unexpected surprise~!”

Dammit!

Broke Hat let a growl escape his lips, while Flug just stood stock still, arms firmly at his side and hands balled into fists. They just needed to grab Demencia, and get out. Maybe it would be easy! All they had to do was ask for Demencia back, and then they left, and never came back. Of course, Demencia would be grounded as soon as they got back, but he wasn’t going to let her go out after all the shit she was putting them through.

A dark gray skinned being slowly floated down from the ceiling, laying on his stomach upon a red silk padded bed held up by nothing, propelled by nothing, purple suit glowing under the blacklight of the house along with the neon green ribbon that decorated his hat. Seriously, did they have any other sort of lighting? And besides, Flug had a strong feeling that being surrounded by blacklight all the time was probably bad for you in so many ways, but he wasn’t thinking about that right now. Science and the like could wait. Right now, what they needed was diplomacy, and to keep Broke Hat from trying to murder everyone in a fifty foot radius.

The demon known as Party Hat soon flipped onto his back, so he could jump off the bed and float gracefully to the ground at the other end of the room, surprisingly stable for someone who was wearing platform heels, before taking the microphone from the hands of DJ Glug with a flourish. “I see we have two VIB’s tonight! Can we all give them a round of applause?”

“VIB’s,” Flug asked before he could stop himself, immediately regretting his decision when a bunch of giant screens descended from the ceiling, displaying white impact font on a background of pictures of their faces, some horribly photoshopped so they were in the same room and smiling at the same time, and each word separated by an explosion or some other stupid special effect.

VERY IMPORTANT BITCHES

That addition of the screens was met with applause and whooping from all of the visitors in attendance, much to the chagrin of Broke Hat and company, Flug looking in horrified embarrassment at said screens while Broke Hat just glared at his cousin, who was of course cackling whilst he float on his back. “Look, you have my idiot, and I would very much appreciate if you would give her back,” Broke Hat snarled, before Flug could stop him. However, Flug did manage to calm him slightly by taking his hand into his own, the effect being mutual for both parties.

“What he means to say,” Flug said, voice cracking before he cleared his throat. At least someone was trying to keep some form of peace between the two cousins, Broke Hat glaring at Party Hat, while Party Hat and DJ Glug just looked amused. “What we mean, is that we believe that one of our friends-”

“I believe the term is acquaintance, Flug,” Broke rasped, but squeezed the other’s hand.

Flug sighed, deciding to relent on this one occasion. “Our acquaintance may have run off to be here, and we really need to get her back. She has something that belongs to me… us. Belongs to us.”

“Oh,” Party Hat questioned, seeming to ponder over the question a little bit before realization dawned on him. “Oh! I think you mean my daughter!” He tittered at that, watching with a strange gleeful look as the jaws of the others fell almost to the ground.

Broke Hat composed himself first. “No, we mean our idiot, and if you would kindly show us where she is, we will be on our way,” he corrected, about to begin walking when all of a sudden, Party Hat appeared in front of him, causing Broke to bump into his chest. Silence, and then, “You know you’re only taller with those ridiculous heels on, right?”

“And you’re only taller with that ridiculous top hat, bae-est cousin! Now come on! Unwind. Chill a little! Have some fun,” he said, much like an announcer would. Everyone cheered once more, Broke Hat growling at the nickname until Flug held up a hand to silence the crowd of onlookers. It seemed that people were getting annoyed at this point, that these two people had come in, uninvited (though wasn’t that how most people came to be in this pit of damnation?), and caused the music to stop. Plus, they were just plain rude!

“Look, we just need our fri-” Broke Hat’s glare stopped him from completing that word, and he instead went for something a bit more… relaxed. “Our acquaintance, Demencia. Do you happen to know where she is?”

“Demencia? Hmm… Demencia, Demencia, Demencia,” Party Hat said, tapping his chin in feigned confusion before he ‘recognized’ the name. “Oh yeah! So you do mean my daughter!”

“D-DAUGHTER,” Flug shouted, yanking his hand from Broke’s to place both on either side of his head.

“Yup! Gluggy and I, well, we have been wanting to become parents for a while,” he said as if he hadn’t effectively kidnapped a young girl with fucking lizard superpowers. Glug gave a happy beep at that from behind his mask, his mouth (?) curved into an ever present grin. “And, gee, We couldn’t resist! She just looks so happy! Look at her go,” he continued, another floating spotlight focusing on a girl with a dark pink mohawk, a green lizard hood, dancing before she spotted them, and waved.

“Demencia,” Flug called out, ready to go grab her and just run out of the house. That was, until that security guard, Vaccinia or something, moved to stop him from going after her. “Hey! Get out of my way!”

“Sorry, but this area is reserved for friends of the family only,” she said, holding a hand to block his way.

“Come on,” Party Hat tutted, steepling his fingers together, a smile spreading across his face that traveled to his eyes, even behind those ridiculous glasses. “Demencia isn’t just a friend of the family, she’s a part of it now! You really ought to learn the difference.”

“Sorry sir,” she said, a frown on her face before she began pushing the much weaker man back towards the center, much to his anger.

“Aww, just look at her, Glug,” Party Hat mused, floating over to Glug’s also floating DJ booth and putting an arm around him. “Isn’t she so beautiful? Our little bud is blooming into a wonderful poppy flower!”

“You…” Flug pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s only been four hours.”

“But Flug, but doesn’t it feel like so much longer,” he retorted, Glug giving a content ‘bewoop’ noise from right behind him.

“No, it doesn’t. It’s only been four hours.”

“Well, you’re no fun,” Party Hat grumbled, crossing his arms and glaring from behind some very… unique glasses. That seemed to be agreed upon by the rest of the party goers, who were starting to get a bit antsy: these random nobodies decide that they just want to come in and stop the whole party? For what? Just some

“Boo,” shouted Demencia, followed by more and more people who joined in on calling out the two mystery men, some even going so far as to throw red solo cups at them, along with tissues and glow sticks.

“C-come on! She stole my tip jar,” Flug shouted, and stomped his foot. Now he was fuming. He had to get up at seven in the morning tomorrow to work another eight hour shift, and he was not in the mood for this stuff right now. He just needed to get Demencia and go, and this asshole was making it so much harder than it neede to be! “Look, just give her back!”

“Not unless you give me something in return~”

“What do you even want?! You’re a rich asshole that already has more than what you need,” Broke Hat snarled, pushing Flug behind him in order to keep him from losing it. Flug could get a little nervous in situations like this. Surrounded by people, bright lights, loud sounds… Sensory overload, he had heard Flug refer to it as, after some sort of human meltdown. They needed to leave soon. However, if they got kicked out now, then they lost, and Broke Hat may have been down on his luck, but one thing he would never be was a loser.

“Oh, I dunno,” Party Hat mused, lolling lazily through the air and checking his nails as if they had just been manicured. Knowing him, they probably had. “Why don’t we ask…”

The screens from before began flashing different words, still in impact font but this time with a poorly made stock photo of a party popper, still with the white background and watermark whilst it flipped back and forth, as the crowd began cheering once more in excitement, chanting the next few words slowly. “The Party!”

“Popper!” “Prophet!”

Airhorns provided by DJ Glug were blared through the loud speakers, causing Flug to jump out of his skin, much to the enjoyment of everyone. Party Hat didn’t seem to notice, as he was too busy having fun. “Oh my gosh, you all know me so well,” Party Hat squealed, clapping his hands twice before pulling out a normal looking party popper, if not a bit cheap. “You know how all this works, but just for those who may be new! The object of the game is that we have to do whatever the PPP says! If someone refuses, it’s an automatic forfeit! Winner takes all!”

Before Flug and Broke Hat could talk it over, Broke Hat decided that enough was enough, stepping forward and holding out his hand. “We accept,” he said, hand starting to glow a dark red. “WHAT,” Flug shouted, watching as Party Hat took the other’s hand with little hesitation, his own hand glowing a deep purple. They should’ve at least talked it out! Maybe made a plan, but no! Of course not! Because he didn’t matter, because nothing mattered to either of the two demons!

“Flug, I’ve got this,” Broke Hat said, trying to calm the other down. “It’ll be fine. Have I ever steered you wrong?” “Yes!”

“Oh… Well, this time will be different,” Broke said, turning back to his cousin. “If I win, I get Demencia.”

“And if I win, I get… Hmm. You don’t really have much, do you,” Party Hat asked rhetorically, thinking for a few seconds and scouring his mind. “What is your favorite thing that you own right now?”

“Definitely not you,” Broke retorted, sticking his tongue out.

“Ouch. Harsh,” Party Hat muttered, putting a hand to where his heart would be, if he were human. “I get to keep Demencia, of course, but how about Mr Paper Bag over there,” he asked, pointing at Flug.

Flug froze, eyes wide in alarm and fists clenched at his side. Oh God, he couldn’t survive this night any longer.

Broke Hat seemed to sense the feelings that the other had, glaring at Party Hat and taking Flug’s hand. “He is not for sale. End of discussion.”

“Oh, pff. Fine,” he grumbled, pouting. “Not like I needed him, anyway. I’ve got a Glug with a nice hole, anyway!”

Glug winked at Flug, then flicked his tongue at Broke Hat. Flug grimaced, as did his other, before he stepped forward and did something really, really stupid. “I’ll do it!”

Broke looked at Flug with wide eyes, immediately signalling for him to shut the fuck up. Party Hat just smirked at him, though, eyebrow raised. “Oh? You’ll what?”

Flug had fucked up, oh God, he’d fucked up. But he couldn’t back out now. “I’ll stay here.” Broke Hat face palmed. What an idiot. An adorable, lovable idiot. There was nothing he could do now. Party Hat looked more than amused at this turn of event, holding his head in his hands. “Ooh, looks like we’ve got a volunteer! I hope you enjoy parties, Fluggy boy~” Party winked at Flug, who held his arm in his hand. Glug just wiggled his eyebrows at Flug, who was feeling more and more uncomfortable at the moment. What had he done?

“Just pop the PPP already, nerds,” Demencia shouted from her VVIB area, earning shouts of agreement from the crowd. Did they really have nothing better to do with their time? He supposed not, as Party Hat silenced the crowd once more.

“Fine, fine. So impatient,” Party Hat muttered, waving his hand. “I’ll do it, but only because I love you all! Ready? One… Two… THREE!”

The Party Popper Prophet was popped, the noise a bit louder than Flug would’ve liked. If Broke Hat lost this, he was so fucking screwed. God, how was he going to live here? How did this even work?! He could barely live in an apartment with two other people and a bear, how was he going to live in a mansion that was partying twenty four seven?

“The PPP says…” The confetti from the popper spelled something out in the air. “Epic Rap Battle!”

Oh God, they were so screwed.

“Ooh hoo hoo,” Party Hat chuckled, floating there with a smirk. “Looks like I’m the champion of default! Unless you still wanna go through with this? I won’t complain, but you can’t whine once I beat you!”

“Oooooooh!”

“Y-yeah, well… You’ve obviously never seen Broke Hat rap before,” Flug retorted, causing an uproar, before turning to Broke. “You have rapped before, right?”

“Pfft, of course I have…”

Flug glared.

“Ugh. Do you really want to live here,” Broke asked, crossing his arms.

“What? No!”

“That’s what I fucking thought. Do you know how to beatbox?”

Flug winced. “What the…? I don’t!”

“What the fuck, why not?!”

“Because I never thought I’d need it in order to save my own hide!”

“Alright, alright, I get it, this was a stupid plan and I blame you.”

“Blame m-”

“FLUG THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE POINTING FINGERS,” Broke yelled, stomping his foot, before pondering their options.  “Now, we need a plan… Go sabotage him.”

“I… Actually, that’s not that bad of a plan…”

“I know right? It’s almost like you’re not the only genius in the household, Mr I Have Four Ph.Ds and Got Into University on a Scholarship. Now go, find a weak point.”

Flug rushed off, Broke turning back to Party, who raised a brow in confusion. “Please don’t tell me you’re trying to cheat, Brooke.”

“It’s Broke. And even then, nobody’s allowed to call me that. Especially not the likes of you,” he retorted, throwing his hoodie to the side and cracking his knuckles. “Let’s just get this over with, so I can return home and finish that unholy abomination of a feature length film.”

That seemed to perk Party Hat’s interest somewhat. “Oh? Which film?”

“The one with that Seinfeld human as a bee. How anyone could actually consider that a good idea is beyond me,” Broke grumbled, crossing his arms as he stood there.

“Oh, I know which one you’re talking about! Yeah, that was really bad, even for my tastes.” “JUST GET ON WITH IT ALREADY,” Demencia shouted from her booth, Broke Hat glaring at her.

“You’re not helping!”

“I dare to disagree, Bro-key. She has been keeping this party going for a long while! Can’t wait to see what she can do over a long period of time.” He winked at her, blowing her a kiss which she caught and put to her cheek. “That’s my girl!”

Glug stepped down from the floating DJ booth with help from Party Hat, microphone in hand as he cracked his neck and cleared his throat. “Glug will beat box for the both of us, since apparently, you haven’t trained yours to do so.”

“It was never important to us,” Broke Hat sighed, as Glug finally made his way down, standing right behind Party Hat. “Let’s just get this over with.”

Glug began beat boxing, Party nodding along to try and get a feel for the beat  before starting his verse.

“Whoo, okay, time to welcome me to the show, you know, that I’m better in innumerable ways, bro, and if you ever tried, you’d find yourself tongue tied, there’s nothing you can do to stop me! So why don’t you just give up and flee with your homies, before you end up pee-ing yourself, in fear of the ways that I’ll kick you in your shelf!”

“Ooooooooh!”

“Whoot, go Party Hat,” Demencia called from the booth, earning her another glare from Broke Hat. “That doesn’t even make any sense,” he complained. “And you!” He pointed to Demencia. “Stay out of it!”

“Pfft, whatever. You’re not my dad!”

“I very well may be, with the way I put up with your shit all the time! And I’m not even that good at coming up with rhymes, but you know I can’t even think of a single dime, you haven’t spent upon whisky or wine! With your screaming and shouting, it’s driving me crazy, one more word and everything goes hazy! I can’t believe the crap you put us through, you ungrateful little bitch boo fucking hoo!”

Dead silence, even from Demencia and Glug, who must’ve stopped beat boxing a long while ago. Then, someone started clapping. And another. Then, more people, until finally, the whole crowd was in an uproar, as Party Hat looked on in disbelief, before motioning towards Glug. “Cut the lights! Now,” he said through grit teeth, making a slicing motion over his neck. Before Glug could even get through the crowd and back to the stage where all of the controls sat, though, the power went out, red and blue lights flashing underneath the crevice of the door, and the blaring of sirens that sent Party Hat into a panicked frenzy. “WE���VE BEEN CAUGHT EVERY MAN FOR THEMSELVES,” he shouted at the top of his lungs, grabbing Glug and Vaccinia into his arms and making a break for the backyard, whilst everyone else screamed in fear.

“I don’t wanna go to jail!”

“I just thought this would be fun! I didn’t know about the drugs!”

“Wait, there were drugs and I didn’t know about them?!”

Everything was in chaos, and Broke Hat was about to book it as well, after grabbing Demencia of course. That was, until he saw Flug strolling casually through the room, making his way towards the duo as he… whistled? What the fuck was going on?!

“FLUG WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID ASSHOLE WHY ARE YOU SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THI-”

“Sir! Sir, get it together,” he said, grabbing the other’s hand before he could leave with Demencia over his shoulder. “Have you noticed anything… strange?”

Broke raised an eyebrow at that, before realizing something important: nobody had come through the door. Nobody had tried to raid the house, or even talk to them. The only thing alerting anyone to the presence of cops was the sirens and the lights. No human beings in sight. At that moment, Broke smiled wide, wider than either of them had seen in awhile. “Flug, you may be an idiot most of the time, but that was one of your best moves yet. Although it really wasn’t necessary in the long term, I suppose…”

“Yeah, Broke Hat killed it,” Demencia piped in, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “You should’ve seen it! He was yelling at me, and it sort of rhymed I suppose, but dude it was amazing! He’s no Deltron but he is… I don’t know. Something?”

She shrugged, a smirk on her face and tongue sticking out, before she started to skip out of the manor. Broke Hat began following behind, since with this stupid inhibitor, he couldn’t see much in the darkness, and Flug following dead last, clinging to Broke. He would need a bath and everything once he got out of this Hell hole. He wondered if Demencia would let him borrow one of her Lush products that she insisted on buying twice a month, even if they barely had the money to afford it.

“Speaking of which,” he muttered to himself before looking at Demencia with a frown. “You’re grounded.”

[pleaseburnthisblogafterreading]

I MEANT HERE, THIS IS WHERE IS GOES! @villainoussquip is my ask blog for Be More Cruel, but since this has nothing to do with that... :P

Future Endeavours

(My very first Villainous fan fiction, based on @brokevillainous​‘s AU and interpretation of Dr Slug and White Hat. I own none of these characters or the world they live in, so IDK have fun <3 The story was named after their White Hat muse anyway so heck haha okay enough of me have fun don’t do drugs okay byeeeeeee)

White Hat had always been a fan of the daytime. Of course, who wouldn’t be? With the way people milled around, happily going about their day, and the fact that all the animals were awake and going around, buzzing from flower to flower, or flying across the sky.

That was why he was a bit surprised to find that he was awake at… Oh my. Three in the morning? Due to a ruckus being made down the hall and to the left. Also, the warmth of a familiar being was missing from his bed. He knew Slug was a night owl who thrived in the night whilst working on his inventions and such, but even then, three in the morning? Much too early for the doctor. Much too early indeed! How was he supposed to get back on a normal sleep schedule when all he did was work all of the time?!

With a bit of a frustrated grunt, which he immediately reprimanded himself for (why would he be angry at his lover? All he ever did was try to help!), before making his way down the hall and towards the lab where Dr Slug worked.

Ah, the doctor. He remembered how they met: a new inmate was being forced to do community service for his crimes against humanity, which… eh. He had shrugged at the time, thinking that this would be a one off thing. It happened frequently: criminals would be put into his care, work for a few months, before being released on probation. Then, they would go their separate ways, never to be seen again. Quite sad, if he were being honest with himself. Whether he’d like to admit it or not, he sometimes got quite… er, attached, to the men and women who would stay in his humble abode, only for them to cut off all communication with him once their community hours were over, sometimes without even saying goodbye.

Slug, though? He had been different. White Hat could tell almost as soon as the man was dropped off at his door, ankles and wrists shackled together, and a paper bag with goggles covering his face and eyes, respectively. An odd choice of clothing, to say the least, but he refrained from speaking up about it. To each their own, he supposed, as he stepped aside to allow Slug to explore the area he would soon be calling home, specifically the foyer, where there hung paintings and photographs of previous tenants, as he liked to call them, since ‘inmates’ or ‘prisoners’ were such disheartening words. Slug had stood there for a while, gawking at some of the photos on the fireplace, before his eyes widened at one in particular: A man… well, he would use the term man loosely. A demon? No, still not right. A monster, dressed in immaculate clothing, with a monocle on his right eye.

But the most noticeable feature? His tall, wide brimmed top hat, with a red decorative ribbon around the edge.

“You… You know Black Hat,” he had stuttered out in a questioning tone, pointing to the picture once the other had finished up whatever business he had been attending to with the prison guard. Mostly paperwork, really. Nothing too special. Just making sure that he, once again, agreed to do his utmost best to care for the man being left in his care. No lawbreaking, no this, no that, blah blah blah.

“Ah, I see you’ve found a picture of my brother,” he mused, moving gracefully across the vintage maple floorboards that made up the foyer’s, well, floor, and laying an arm across Slug’s shoulders with a soft smile, unlike the menacing snarl that was on Black Hat’s face which was surprisingly close to the camera with which the photo was taken. White Hat was in the background, holding his hands in surrender with an embarrassed grin on his face.

While White Hat couldn’t exactly see the facial expression the doctor was making, he was sure it was one of astonishment. With the way the white pupils of the darkened goggles flicked from the picture of a snarling, malevolent Black Hat, to a calm, if not kindhearted White Hat. Then, it dawned on the doctor that, same last name, same structures… Everything was there. He had just never connected the dots. He visibly face palmed, giving a muttered, “How did I not notice this before,” as White Hat laughed, not at him, but with him.

“Oh, it’s quite alright. A lot of people don’t quite get the similarities when they first meet us. We’re polar opposites in many more ways than just one,” he said, chuckling a little in amusement as the other connected the dots. “I’ve grown quite accustomed to the confusion.”

Slug looked at a loss for words, eyes wide and trying to make sense of the situation, before grimacing under his bag. “Would he be, perchance, hiring any scientists and engineers with doctorates in-” White Hat raised a hand, interrupting Slug mid-sentence. “I’m afraid I’ll have to cut you off before you’re able to finish that sentence, doctor,” he said, an apologetic tone to his voice now. “I cannot let you go searching for other employment offers until you’ve completed your service hours under my watch.”

At that, Doctor Slug had huffed, and left the room, White Hat trailing close behind the other man, and pointing out important rooms, such as the kitchen, bathrooms, closets, living quarters, and other such things. Of course, Slug being Slug as he was back then did not seem to care in the slightest as he led the other down the long, winding corridors of White Hat manor.

Those had been the days when Slug had refused to work, opting to raid the kitchen (both literally and metaphorically) and slept most of the day, only getting up to eat and use the restroom. It wasn’t until they had had a talk about the fact that the government was monitoring his behavior and would take all necessary actions to assure that Slug was, in fact, working, and wasn’t just using this as a ploy to get out of jail that he actually began working on the supplies and defenses for heroes worldwide, albeit begrudgingly of course.

He let out a little titter as he ventured further down the hallway, making the necessary left in order to find the lab, where lo and behold, there sat Slug, toying away at… What was that? White Hat couldn’t quite make it out, try as he might, but Slug was definitely working with some kind of wooden object. Strange to say the least, as Slug had always claimed that wood was never a good idea for anything, since it was broken quite easily, especially when damp.

As soon as White Hat attempted to make his way into the room, in order to see what the other was working on, Slug froze, an embarrassed blush seeping across his face as he threw the wooden carving he had been working on into a drawer in his desk. He wasn’t just about to let White Hat know about his new secret hobby, even if the other would be interested in seeing it. He had a reputation to uphold of being a master supervillain, and he wasn’t going to let that be ruined by- “Slug?”

White Hat’s voice cut through the dark, empty lab, Slug stiffening even more. Shit, had he been caught? He wasn’t worried about the punishment of not working on the project at hand, or the fact that he had left the bed at midnight and worked for three hours into the night… morning? Well, whatever. No, what he was worried about was the shame. The shame of being caught making-

“Slug, are you quite alright,” rang the voice of his lover, who approached him slowly before wrapping his arms around the other’s shoulders and nuzzling the human’s neck. “You seem… off. To say the least.”“I’m fine,” Slug muttered under his breath, covering a blueprint for some sort of invention. At that, White Hat cocked an eyebrow, confused. Slug was usually so proud of whatever he was making, whether it be something harmful that he hadn’t asked for, or mundane like he asked it to be. Even when he knew he would get in trouble, he’d still go out of his way to show White Hat whatever he was building at the time, like a child who wanted their drawings on the fridge. Of course, he had a different way of broaching the subject: usually at dinner, when they were eating, Slug would pipe in randomly with, “So, I’ve been working on something new.”

White Hat, being the curious eldritch he was, was always intrigued. “Go on,” he would muse, head in his hand with a curious glint in his eye.

White Hat would then listen patiently, eating whatever he had made that night, even though he did not require sustenance, as Slug explained whatever he had been making. Whether it be a death laser to blast away villains (“Slug, we are a heroic company. We cannot sell that to heroes. It would ruin our good name.”) or a defense mechanism that could protect a hero when they were in the middle of a heated battle, White Hat always sat there, watching the other get excited about something he was passionate about with a growing smile on his face.

Now, though? Now that they were engaged, it seemed that Slug was a bit more… how would one put it? Rather, how should one put it? Secretive, perhaps. He would sneak out in the middle of the night while White Hat was sleeping, work on something, and then be back in bed by the time he woke up. He could always tell when this happened: the human would smell of coffee and sleep deprivation. An interesting combo, to say the least. At first, White Hat had tried talking to him directly. However, tonight, it seemed that he had unknowingly stumbled upon Slug whilst he was still in the act of… doing whatever he did.

“What were you working on just now,” White Hat asked, interest piqued and evident in his voice.

“N-nothing,” Slug stuttered out, not unlike a certain other paper bagged scientist he knew. It was odd, though: Slug had never been one to stutter, or trip over words. He always spoke his mind, clean and clear. Even if it was something vulgar and rude, he’d still say it anyway. The doctor had no filter, so what made this time different?

Slowly, White Hat turned the other around to face him, though it was difficult since the doctor was so adamant on covering whatever blueprints he had with half of his body, throwing most of his weight on his desk. In the end, however, he managed, and without even glancing at the blueprints, he looked Slug in the eye, hands on either shoulder. “You know, if you need to tell me something, you can always do so. I won’t be angered, or offended, nor will I go out of the way to tell anyone of your secrets. What kind of hero would I be if I did such a thing?” With that, White Hat gave a small smirk, before leaning in to give the other another hug, along with a small peck on the cheek.

Slug stayed silent, pondering whether he should tell his boss about the secret project he’d been working on for months. Then, he let out a huff, closing his eyes and turning away from his boss.

At first, White Hat frowned, concern lacing his eyes. Slug, though reluctant, was never really one to turn down a hug. However, he soon saw why the other, his other, had turned away from him: he was going into one of his desk drawers, the same one from before, and pulling something out. White Hat stared at it for a few seconds, a bit puzzled by what he was looking at.

In Slug’s hands, there was a small, expertly crafted wooden unicorn, about the size of a toy made for a child. Looking at Slug for approval, he took the small wooden sculpture into his hands, and looked it over. “Oh, Slug. It’s amazing,” he fawned, the doctor looking away with his arms crossed, and a small smile on his face, though he would be loathe to admit such a thing. “I had no idea you knew how to sculpt wood!”

“I didn’t,” he murmured, turning away from the other. He had had his share of lovey doveyness today, and it was only three thirty in the morning. “That’s why I learned,” he continued, offhand as if it were just a normal, everyday thing to learn a completely new skill set and make something as beautiful as this.

White Hat gawked at the other man, who blushed and continued looking away from his lover, even if it was admittedly very cute when he was confused and didn’t know something. Especially when he was willing to learn. Just because he’d been on Earth for a long while didn’t mean he was too accustomed to such things, even though he should’ve been by now.

“But Slug, why would you go out of your way to create such a thing, to learn a new skill, for no reason,” he questioned, confusion still evident in his eye. “We have no use for such a thing, nor do heroes.” He winced when the other man tensed at the words he spoke, though. Apparently, he had said something that the other may have taken a little too literally, and he quickly went to work amending his statement. “What I mean to say is… why would you go out of your way to create something that I imagine you would see as having little to no worth in the long run?”

Slug stayed silent for a little bit, averting his gaze from his lover and sighing once more. “Well, if we’re to get married…

”“Uh-huh.”

“And you said you’ve always wanted some children…”

“Go on…”

“Well… They’ll need something to play with, right? I figured something handmade would benefit them much more than something store bought. More intellectually stimulating,” he quickly finished, rushing through his words as if he were embarrassed to even think them, let alone speak them aloud.

That gave White Hat pause, thinking of the implications of the words the other spoke. Wanted children… “Slug… Slug, are you saying…”

“Well, not yet. But one day,” Slug said, a soft, reluctant smile making its way across his face, evident through the paper bag he wore at all times.

With that, White Hat smiled a wide grin at the other, his other, his beautiful amazing intelligent other, before picking him up, much to the chagrin of the bagged scientist. “White Hat! White Hat, put me down this instant,” he yelled, trying to push himself out of the vice like grip that White Hat seemed to possess, whether knowingly or not.

“Oh Slug! This is amazing,” he said, smile not letting up and most likely ignoring the complaints of the other man “I am so happy that you would be willing to do such things for our future children, even before they’re born!”

Slug growled as he was twirled in the air like a child, though not in a malevolent way, finally stopping his resistance and letting the other carry him to bed, bridal style. “Speak a word of this to anyone ever, an-”

“I know, doctor. I will inevitably find myself at the other end of your plasma gun,” White Hat mused, seemingly unafraid and/or used to Slug’s threats by now, before letting the other go into his bed and snuggling beside him. “I know.”