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Reconstruction of a Chalet / frundgallina ph: jc frund

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A Good Point

Your friendly neighborhood Trans boy here... Roman annnnnnnnddddd I just dont know what to type. 

Actually I do, recently I was asked by someone if it would be weird if they called me Roman...no actually it wouldn't be but I was to embarrassed to admit it.  It is still very new to me to even be out about this to my friends, even among my friends there are some assholes that kinda shit on this thing even tho I have hinted at it. Before you say “you only hinted at it how would they know” trust me they know and are just being dicks. In any case the person who's been the most supportive aka my girlfriend was straight forward about asking me about my name and what not, yeah sure if you know me you could call me that ...I couldn't guarantee that it wouldn't be awkward make me what to run away and hide but deep down I can assure you that its nice to hear it every now and then. 

What I would love is for a day a whole day that would be mine alone where I could be male and just see what that is like I bet it would do wonders for me honestly, who the hell knows anyway now I think I shall play xbox and not thing about this day (which was going well and then I got angry) anyway its been real thanks for listening to me chatter about nothing but my feelings. 

                                     - Roman

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Chapter 6 Being Me

I sat down at my desk and rubbed my eyes, it had been a pretty uneventful day, it was the weekend so that was always nice get some relaxing time. I looked at some apartments today, im looking to move to Florida within the next two years so I would like to find a place but that isn't want this entry is about its about being me. I flipped to a clean page and wrote the date and began.

So being me really isn't easy ( yes I know other people have it harder and yes I know it might be the one reading this and I understand, compared to most I have it relatively easy) but really I dont have that smooth simple life most would love to enjoy. My parents are really that rich, we survive on a month to month basis and really its starting to show on my mom,  she isn't the youngest person in fact she's almost 74, she loves what she does but she is getting up there and over working really isn't a option for her anymore, my parents rely on me to do most of the grounds work, I sweep our pool mow our lawn, paint out house and do laundry when needed, I cook breakfast and dinner and lunch and such and honestly I kinda love it, its nice to be on a working basis with my parents but theres some hard stretches. One being they are extremely homophobic, there isn't really anything that disgusts my mother more then the LGBT community, it was a difficult thing to come to terms with and I didn't really understand in my younger years why I couldn't love both, both sexes were human? Both were equals ( yes boys were sometimes stronger but girls were tougher) it was extremely confusing. I remember when my first girlfriend and I were holding hands and my mother saw I was subjected to a hour long lecture how I just needed to not love the same sex. It went on and on and the longer it went on and the more I said ok the more I felt pieces of me just die, it was as if I was signing away my life and it hurt so much. Not much has changed since then save I am more quiet about my love and preference. But onto a different matter

When I was 15 the incident came where I liked a boy, it was more a obsession the a crush and I never wanted anything so badly. He was the height of cool, he was the style I wanted to be and he was extremely popular with everyone even my mother liked him. It turns out that he was also the cruelest person I had ever met, to this day my esteem of myself is shaken, he went out of his way to spread rumors, he made sure I had no friends, anyone friends with me had no other friends, he made his personal mission to get every boy to hate me and not want to hang out with me.  The sole reason for this was that I was the child of the heads of the schools we attended and he found that unacceptable, he didn't want me to rat him out to my parents or any other teacher. It was one of the loneliest times of my life, I scrambled to have friends I tried in new and desperate ways to gain friendship each more painful then the last. I finally withdrew from everything, I started to inflict injury on myself in a trivial manner my happy go lucky self slowly but surely disintegrated, I gained friends through the internet and I refused to talk to people at school, it soon became a problem for I would rarely participate in the schools activities and my family was getting worried but then a magical thing happened the Boy got expelled and my life was slightly easier, there was some breathing room at last. I slowly pulled myself out of my hole little by little, I made some friends in the school I attended and they genuinely liked me and I them. But I had a bit before I was back completely on track but thats for a different night

I dropped my pencil and yawned, tomorrow is a huge day I dress as a vampire and go out into public, it will be fun Helena is joining in on the action which will make it twice the fun, I get to wear my new binder and thats always a joy to me.  I checked my phone and tapped out several messages to some friends before getting up and snagging a towel and my Old spice. I stood in front of the mirror for a moment running a hand through my hair wondering how I would look with the sides shaved and what Helena would say about it, I shrugged and smiles to myself “ you are a handsome boy “ I muttered and went towards the bathroom humming. Heres to another good day - Roman out.

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Chapter 5 The New Binder

It’s almost midnight, I’m staring at my desk thinking to myself, I know I’m going to get up and write there’s no doubt in my mind just need to get my legs to comply with my wishes. Ok legs are out of the bed we are in business

I stumbled to my desk and shoved my glasses in my face, the table comes into focus and so does my notebook I tugged it out and opened it to a new page and marked the date then I swore loudly for I realized I was writing in pen not pencil... to late now fuck it and so I began.

You all all know that nice feeling when you buy something you’ve never owned before. It could be a toilet brush, book end, nuclear launch codes( seriously hope not) or even a new tableware or clothes and in the extreme a new house.

Well I get like I bought a house when I bought my new binder, I’d previously had cheap ones ( I know horrible for you but I had no choice) and even when worn for a little it would leave me sore for days, but this new one?! Omg it was incredible I put it on and I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror and I swear I nearly burst into tears I couldn’t stop laughing and almost crying , I feel like I stood in front of that mirror for years before really getting dressed, I haven’t really showed anyone but Helena came over and checked it out, she said it was cool and could see the difference which made me happy.

This is something that’s pretty big for me, I know my personal family would never accept what I was or what I wanted but this little gesture of tolerance actually made my day the fact my sister want out of her way to buy me one really makes my week, it’s the little things that really count and make your day spin at least that’s what I think.

The binder itself it breathable and super comfy, I can easily wear my button downs with it and it looks so good even on a really hot day like today. Tonight was a good night Helena stayed late and we lay in bed just talking about stupid things and the conversation turned to future home, we want to move in with each other when we get the chance so I have been researching different apartments and I have found several, she wants plants everywhere and I don’t mind I like plants I want two cats and so does she but she wants a list of animals which I keep saying no to ( who the fuck wants 16 cats and a lemur... ok I want a lemur but not 16 cats).

I just can’t wait to get home from a long day and kiss her without the fear of being discovered by my family.. I don’t want to have to worry all the time about how we will look, I know she can’t wait either. She’s asleep on my bed at he moment.. it’s funny how when you love someone so much you love every bit of them, from their grumpy face to their smile, my Helena has the cutest grumpy face, it looks like she could drown cities and raze worlds with her breath taking eyes but I know the softness of those lips and the grip of her arms around me, I know the taste of her tears and the feeling of rage in her chest.

It’s hard not to when you’re that in love, all in all it’s been a good day, had it’s ups and downs since I was exhausted today and so was my baby.

I slammed the pen down with a dirty look at it, I looked over at the sleeping form of Helena who was snoring lightly and laughs silently. I removed my new binder and neatly folded it and put it on the shelf before sleeping in a tank top and crawling into bed beside her.

It’s time to sleep and hopefully not have any nightmares tonight gods I hope not -Roman out

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saturday breakfast

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time alone

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CHAPTER 4 Dead tired Seriously so sleepy at the moment I can barely hold my pencil up for lack if sleep. I rested my head on the he table for a good moment before rising it slowly, the music in my ear buds had a steady beat and I opened my notebook once more and scribbled the date. Well I guess more writing is happening, it’s the day after the watermark and I’m dead on my feet and so is Helena, it had been one of those tired stress filled nights, I had ended up calling her once more and she was crying, it was just tiredness or so she said I felt my heart wrench and stayed on the phone most of the night til she promised she was ok. I just want her to always smile yeah? It just hurts when she isn’t ok and I personally want to beat the fuck out of anyone who messed with her. At the end of the month we are going to spend so alone time together I can’t wait, I already planned several outings and I hope she likes them,I feel like I’m rambling in this entry and I don’t know why I’m just so tired Jesus fucking Christ. So I think ramble time is over and we should return to the good old past, remember how I told you how I wasn’t the greatest at 13 ? Well it didn’t get better it got worse for a time, by the time I was kicking the end of 14 I was just mentally and emotionally scarred from my classmates and parents, the desire to leave was reaching a all time high and I still was confused about my sexuality, I had no assistants from my family and I was too introverted to even think about asking for online help. Honestly I never felt more alone in all the world, I turned 15 and I went on a trip to DC (Washington) and there I made my first real best friend a girl named Alessa, at first this was the greatest friendship I also got my first girlfriend Paige things we’re looking up for me, way up and I felt at peace with the world. Naturally this all came crashing down just three months later, Paige and I hadn’t talked for about three days and I found it she had tried to kill herself, I can’t tell you how it feels to know your significant other has tried to off themselves, there’s terror and betrayal and pain, I texted her almost every hour on the hour for a week and then I found out she didn’t want anything to do with me, it was the most heart crushing thing I had ever experienced I remember asking why and she said she needed space( I knew she was going through a lot so I gave her the space she wanted always checking up from time to time ) she finally came back to me and said sorry for all the stuff that happened between us, she said she couldn’t date me because her mom had finally got through to her that it was a sin and she saw the error of her ways. I am still surprised to this day that I didn’t scream, alessa helped me through this shitty period and we were stronger friendship for it we had each others backs fair and simple. But the divine force in the world loves throwing curve balls at us, Alessa and my friendship broke apart because of a boy and she lied about him constantly, it tore a hole that couldn’t be fixed but I’m getting ahead of myself that’s more in the present and we are still rather far in the past. I looked at the clock and yawned, god fucking damn I need to sleep, I set down the pencil and closed the book stroking the little transgender flag I had put on the cover. I shoved it under my bed and crawled in bed, it was time for sleep and slow music. I texted Helena I love you and good night before tugging the light switch with a small yawn and smile. More tomorrow -Roman out

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take a rest

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Chapter 3 The waterpark

Here I am again I look at my notebook that I have laying open on my table, the smell of chlorine is still in the air wafting from my rather wet towel thats dumped unceremoniously in the corner along with my boxers and swim trunks. It had been a rather fun day today, I rubbed my dark hair and grinned almost to myself  and set my pencil to the paper. 

The alarm went off as usual, its beeping startling me out of a deep sleep, I rose and looked at my phone, there was one message from Helena that stated how excited she was for this day we were going to go to a waterpark,  I self consciously rubbed my arms, we were going to go with a group of friends which meant I had to dress pro their standard of normal, no packing no binding..it made me just itch thinking about it. I went to the top drawer and tugged on board shorts and a loose tank top topped with a tropical button up.  Looking in the mirror I nodded, it was good enough to pass as manly for me and feminine enough to not obvious what I was trying to do, I ate breakfast and went out to the porch it didn't take long before the car with the group pulled up and Helena stuck her head out the window and beckoned inside. There was Natalie,Hayden and Natalie’s kid sister Chia. I knew this would prove a interesting trip for Hayden and Helena didn't like each other and Hayden fashioned herself one of my friends, the car ride was filled with Natalie talking, Chia trying to include herself and Hayden playing horrible music and Helena trying to concentrate on driving with me chuckling at her expense. It was about a hour and a half before we got to the Park and went inside, waves of nervousness hit me as it always was when we went to public water places, I tugged my arms over my chest in a non obvious way trying to smash it flat and look normal at the same time and failing at all of it. Helena grabbed my hand and shook her head and smiled reassuringly, I grumbled but loosened my grip on my chest and kissed her hand and let it fall before the others saw. The rest of the day was a haze of fun and ironic haze of dystopia chased the day around in a bizarre game of tag which was fine I guess.

We ended up stopping at a chipotle on the way home and Helena and I shared a bowl, by shared I mean I picked out all the steak and she ate a incredible amount of lettuce and cheese, the drive home was mostly filled with Hayden complaining about how he didn't tan well and Chia saying she was tired and me telling everyone to shut up while turning up the radio and Natalie saying it was too loud with a pout. All in all it was a good day, there was some stress filled parts and some parts I wished I could erase but in the end I had a good day. 

I put down my pencil and messaged Helena, she texted back in all caps that she had the sunburn of a life time and it would turn into a horrible tan, I consoled her as best I could over messages before going to get ready for the night, on with new boxers and into bed we go, I smiled as I turned out the light.

Maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all -Roman out. 

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Chapter 2 The Past

I was staring out the window in Math class and reminiscing about my life before I came out to the few friends I had about being Trans and what led me to make the discovery, looking up at the board behind the teacher I saw a sea of numbers and equations and other things I didn't understand, tugging out a note book I kept in my bag I flipped it to a clean page and marked the day and began a new entry.

So you are probably wondering how I got to be me and when I arrived on this travesty called my life. Well it started out as a adoption cycle I guess, I was adopted by a good family, proper in their speech and ways. My older sister was a lover of animals and my mom was as old fashion as they come they ran a private tutoring area and had a hand in schools ..what more could I want ? They gave me a excellent home, good food fuck I even got a dog when I was 13 ..just one thing was out..me ..Not only did I look very very different from them I just was different. I remember when when I was 8 I was at a water park with several of my friends ( yeah weird I know friends scary ). There was this girl called Aubry  and I thought her red hair caught the light just right I thought she was the prettiest thing that ever walked the earth, I had been told by my parents that I was too young to date boys but I had no interest in boys,  in my opinion boys were just gross, they were rude and they made girls cry, they always seemed to hurt my feelings and told me I was too short to play with them. Girls on the other hand seemed to never do that to me, they always wanted to play and they never told me I was stupid, if we cried we cried together and we laughed together. 

Well it was the fateful day that my mother traveled to Italy Rome to do a seminar and brought back some Greek armor, I started to realize I alway wanted the role of a guy in my life, I rather be the Knight in armor then the damsel in destress waiting for her prince charming, I was heavily a tomboy at a young age, but as I grew up so did my parents desire to make me as feminine as possible, it was a long and tiring war, countless fights were had on the subject of clothing and the like. When we went to the Renaissance Festival I always dressed as manly as possible, once I got to meet the Queen of the Fair and she knighted me and asked my name and I introduced myself as Prince Ali from the Middle East ( I happen to have a Middle eastern costume on complete with turban and scimitar ) and she smiled at me and bade me rise as Sir Ali prince of the shinning sands. I couldn't tell you how happy I was when she said this, I felt like the shinning knight of the sands in Sahara.  That feeling was soon squashed as I came to my mother proudly baring the certificate from the Queen naming me a knight and met her disproving gaze and frown “ Don’t you know you're a girl ? A lady not some man act it, its weird to be what you aren't” were the first words, I remember scrambling to say some stupid excuse while holding back tears, what came out was that I didn't know how to spell my full name and it was hard with my dyslexic brain, to which I received a scoff and a all day lesson the next day on how to spell my name and how it was weird to be a man. I remember feeling so slighted, why didn't my parents just be happy for me ? It would always crop up in day to day life, how they'd force me into dresses and how id strip them off just as fast. when my early teen years rolled around I experienced true hell, there was a girl that I like and there was none I could tell. Her name was Olivia , I thought she was the coolest person ever.. she was 16 and I was 13 at the time and she held my universe in a balance I followed her like a love sick puppy everywhere. She was the only one at the time really tolerated my presence, there were two other girls called Megan and Jenna.. god I hated Megan, the perfect one that all the boys loved, only a year older then I and she was what everyone thought the epitome of perfection was I remember writing poetry once and showing her in hopes of gaining friendship and she tore it up and spread the rumor I was strange among the boys of the school. Back to Olivia she and I became fast friends and I did everything in my power to keep her happy, now that I look back on it..wasn't the healthiest friendship it was more me being used as a little servant in exchange for tolerance and I didn't care. Now it just hurts to think about but then I was so starved for acceptance I was ready to sell my soul to gain friends. Once we were friends I told her about my love of girls AND boys, I learned at a tender age that you always added the boys because if you didn't people were creeped out. She seemed to be fine with it and we stayed friends, then she slept with one of the boys at schools boy I hated and our friendship quickly disintegrated and I she quickly told everyone I like girls and my parents and I had the the talk about how loving girls just wasn't acceptable in fact it was disgusting and that I was confused and didn't need to be talking about things like that. That was the last time I told anyone I was (at the time) bi. As I grew older I made friends with LGBT people on the internet and found myself immersed in the world of the LGBT, I learned about gender fluid and about gays and lesbians, I learned about the feelings and the confusions attached to them, I struggled to find what I was and all the while I steadily grew worse as a person, at 15 I wasn't talking to my parents or really anyone, I was solely on the internet and even there I didn't have many friends, I was afraid more like terrified of being made fun of and bullied so I kept to myself, that was until I met Matt  and we became friends, Matt was in the midst of his scene/emo phase as a human and was open about liking men and always asked me about my sexuality ( at this point I was insisting I was a hundred percent straight) and I kept avoiding the question till one night we were talking and I was crying about not being able to attend a opera in a suit. Matt asked me then straight up if I was a guy, of course I cussed him out and told him no I was 100 percent a girl and he just laughed and said ok and we continued on and went about our day, but that got me thinking, what if I wasn't a lesbian at all..what if I was a guy and just stuck in this ridiculous body of a woman.

My pencil led snapped with a crack and I looked up from my notebook as the teacher turned around and addressed the class once more and I tucked the notebook away, the rest of class went by in a relatively fast fashion, pulling on my leather messenger bag as the bell rang I heard a yell from behind me and I turned to see Helena dodging and weaving around people, her short frame allowing for rather speedy dodging. “ hey you “ she said with a half smile, her hair was done in that ridiculously lopsided bun and strands of her brown hair were coming loose and falling around her face, I reached up and tugged a strand of it with a small smile. “hey you yourself “ I said and smirked at her to which I received a slap. ‘coffee? and then home ? or are we gonna do something fun? “ she said. “ coffee sounds really good and we can go to the park and I can read you Shakespeare like you want me to “ I said and pulled on my the sleeve of my ratty sweater. Helena clapped her hands together and grinned “ Baked goods and some drinks and Shakespeare here we come “ she crowed and tugged me towards the door. 

I was smiling widely as we got into the car, maybe..just maybe being a closeted man wasn’t the worst thing especially with such a wonderful girlfriend. 

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Chapter 1

“ ok well time to introduce yourself, Im Roman ..I am 17 years of age and I am transgender.. FTM my parents have no idea and they never will, I have a girlfriend and she's the best thing that ever happened to me and this is my story” 

 BEEP BEEP , I woke up with a start...”another day damn it”, I thought and rolled from my bed in a groggy haze of disgruntledness. The window was still open from last night since it had been so hot and the fan in my room was blasting at full force. I pulled on a shirt and looked in the mirror..  I was short 5″6 with black hair that I kept in a short quiff, the clothes I tended to choose was  as if a surf shop had vomited out a walking billboard. Tropical shirt and cut off pants that varied from pink to black, hell most days I tended to live in board shorts“ its go time..remember you're a handsome boy” I looked at my watch and smiled bitterly it was time to get dressed and head out for the day. I grabbed keys and walked out the door locking it behind me.  

School was its usual nightmare but always more so because I needed to be careful, parents had ties here and if they ever found out what I was....that was a fight I just wasn't willing to have. Pre cal was reaching a all time problem, hell it wasn't my fault I was dyslexic as a damned jumping bean, I glared at the paper as if it would answer itself and when it didn't I gave a groan, this day. wasn't working out at all in my favor, the right earbud of my headphones had died and I had a brand new rip in the sweater I bought. I just wanted to get to the next class so I could her, even thinking of her made me smile,i entered English with a lighter heart then I had all day and slide into the seat behind Halena and tugged a string of her hair, she smiled at her work and turned to glare at me. By all accounts we were “best friends” at least thats what the teachers and school knew, she had forgot her glasses at home and didn't have contacts in today so she was squinting at the clock “ its 1:30″ I said with a laugh and was rewarded with the middle finger which made me smile more. We were paired up as always and spend the next hour and a half working out sentences from a poetry book we were suppose to read and turn in a essay on.  

Gym was the fucking worst, in all honesty id rather sit in a burning hot hell then do swim, every time I looked at my chest it was just a fucking reminder that I was viewed as something I wasn't, on with the swim suit on with the goggles and into the water, at least I didn't have to listen to the talking while I was under water. Maybe this deluding of myself was just unhealthy but it was what it was, the burn in my arms actually felt nice and I could let myself drift off whilst I worked my body. Finally it was over and I could wedge myself into the corner of the women's locker room, I could have the semblance of safety here and not be viewed as I pulled on clothes. God I can't wait till I get home  

Finally the bell rung and I was free, I made plans with Helena to come over in about four hours, in the car I got and drove home. The parents weren't home yet,  my mom and older sister was still at their tutoring job so the house was relatively quiet save for the dogs barking. Climbing up the stairs I got to my room and shrugged off everything I was wearing and tugged open several drawers,  I pulled on the binder and tucked in my packer in the snug briefs and looked at my reflection and let out a sigh of relief, this is what I wanted all day..this peace of mind, I climbed out my window and up on a flat piece of room and stared up at the sky listening to the cars zoom by in the distance.  

Helena came by, I heard her talking the dogs down “ I'm on the roof” I called and  a moment later she popped her head out the window and grinned and came to join me, she was dressed in a romper now and had no shoes but her sandal tan was very prominent I wasted no time in pointing it out, I got a slap for my teasing, she made herself comfortable in the crook of my arm and we both stared up at the sky that was now darkening to a nice purple. “so....have you chosen a new name yet ?” she asked? I nodded “ yeah ...Im Roman ..” I looked at the sky refusing to make eye contact, the familiar burn of shame and embarrassment coming to my cheeks as I waited for what I was sure to come, the snort of laughter the small “huh” of quiet disapproval. I waited in vain however for what came was none of those things. “ I like it baby you're perfect with whatever you choose..you are mine and damn fine” Helena whispered and kissed my cheek. 

...Im Roman...and this is my story..

To be continued.....