platonicpinotnoir

[platonicpinotnoir]

Mankind has such a wealth of art and science due to admiration for the natural world and a desire to touch the stars ... But also sooo much of it has been forwarded by our obsession with self-observation, due to the various forms of self-detachment present in like every freakin' culture (and to varying degrees) ... We want to find ourselves and pin ourselves like a moth because on some level, we feel the imperative to come home, and we want to force ourselves back in .. I think ... That's how it feels anyway.

So much art is expression of disarray or repressed experiences, and an attempt to reconcile with it or communicate it to ourselves or others. So much science is an attempt to reconnect with the natural world or to mollify the confusion of our minds, having been severed from our bodies.

That self-disconnect and rigidity against the rhythm of healing manifests in such bizarre ways, I'm telling you - and once you start seeing it, you notice it everywhere.

We have a limitless wealth of culture, art, science, and dialogue pertaining; having taken mankind thousands of years to gather and build it all; and that's a beautiful thing, because life is robust, and this gives us much to admire.

But also, at some point, you have to learn how to LIVE the life you're observing.

Until then, we will keep creating branches of change and progress and mistakes, sprouting like fungi and spreading like tendrils; limitless; and what we find is remarkable, but driven by an obsession to break apart, understand, and find a way in; it's not necessarily embodied.

As an animal species, we've probably chased our way out of any chance for total embodiment, just because we've been going this way for too long now. We're not just gonna one day start living like bonobos do. We're too creative and complex (and spiritually driven) for that, anyway.

But I think at the beginning (and still, in several places) we were embodied, in tuned with the world, and speaking the same language as our instincts. Things change, though, and as it turns out, all of our gifts of evolution (our powerful frontal cortex, for one) also make it possible for us to avoid healing from trauma, so we just gather up the dysfunction with the generations.

I'm not asking everyone on the entire planet to drop everything and form matrist cultures or anything. Or for every individual to join a Buddhist monastery. I mean what the hell do I know.

But erasing the mind-body disconnect integral to Western culture would be a great start. It's already kind of going that way, with authors like Peter A. Levine, Gabor Maté, and Bessel van der Kolk leading the West's understanding of trauma healing.

I mean this is just the way it is. No amount of self-subjugation can eliminate the fact that humans are animals, and from the earliest link in the evolutionary chain have been capable of responding and adapting to shocks or hardships. Nature is on our side with this one. It's just a matter of gathering the courage, knowledge, patience, and mutual support to invite some healing into us.

[platonicpinotnoir]

Ada Limón, "In the Country of Resurrection" // Jack Kerouac, Big Sur // Mary Oliver, "The Fourth Sign of the Zodiac" // Gregory Orr, "To Be Alive" // Dino Ahmetović // Siniša Simon, Magic Dance // Mary Oliver, Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver // Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Véra (trans. Olga Voronina & Brian Boyd) // Mary Oliver, "Toad" // 木苏里, 全球高考 (Global Examination)

[platonicpinotnoir]

I read somewhere today something that was very apt, and my understanding of it was:

regardless of their trauma, dysregulated and toxic individuals will treat you based on how they're feeling on the inside

--

I so often wonder about some of my really really bad relationships: was any of it real? Did they love me?

It's so hard to engage with these thoughts because... during the beginning of those relationships, I was love-bombed.

Some love-bombing can be straight up a lie and manipulative, yes.

I think that some love-bombing is genuine from the other person - but that they are only acting in such a way because they feel happy on the inside.

Once they start feeling bad about themselves... all the stuff they used to do or say falls away - the love and action aren't consistent.

Most of these people are chronically empty on the inside... it's heartbreaking to realize, and it's dangerous to live with them. It's impossible to keep filling them up.

--

And yes, I knew that my ex-spouse was hurting really badly - I could see it in their eyes, their body, etc. You have no idea how hard it was to break up with them. I loved them so much, but they hated me... I don't think they liked themselves very much.

At the end of the day, abuse and mistreatment is just that. It doesn't matter what the other person is going through - they don't have to put it on you.

[platonicpinotnoir]

your mistake is thinking healing will always feel good, and not often like molting while clung to dead tree bark

[platonicpinotnoir]

[platonicpinotnoir]

Some scary things are worth doing. Going outside, talking to people, public speaking, trying out something new, getting a job even tho you're unsure how it will go. You're a scared little plant but you can blossom into a beautiful, self assured tulip if you try being brave.

[platonicpinotnoir]

Interesting little mourning dove today with a white primary feather on both sides. Never seen this before

[platonicpinotnoir]

more stories where falling in love is a horrifying fate worse than death rather than a source of comfort and hope. more stories where love is understood as a terminal affliction.

[platonicpinotnoir]

My 2 Tall Paintings

[platonicpinotnoir]

That awkward moment when youre a female and you realize 2 men making out and rubbing their cocks together is lowkey kind of awesome

[platonicpinotnoir]

check it out, i jsut made blood and flesh actually kind of sexual and epic. I put a bit of catholic vocabulary in there as well, "the divine" makes an appearence. itslike if romance and death was eating.... well... you get the picture. do you like it? do you? what if i showed you another one? what if i showed you this one? what if i showed you the first one again? what if i showed you another? what about this one? what if i included more raw meat and reference to biting and teeth in it? its good right? ok let me explain its like if, love meat consume godly fuck possession blood gnaw kill each other sexual. yes?

[platonicpinotnoir]

HI ... SMILING SO HARD.

I rarely log onto this account so I'm late ... OUGH THIS IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY THOUGH.

NGGGH CAN WE LISTEN TO "Foxy Foxy" by Rob Zombie together !??!?!

This is so awesome ...

This is going to sound so crass but I'm just trying to refer to a phenomenon so bear with me: You know how people tend to keep finding certain stories, certain patterns or situations, in their art or in the art they see, and it's a perspective unique to them that has to do with whatever life they have lived and whatever imprint it has left on their psyche? It's an expression of the raw material of the mindbody? Or whatever?

Well my point is that when it comes to the character of Vegeta, he represents some specific things to me, and I tend to need a few different things out of him - and one of those tropes that I seem to keep putting him in is the role of the unequivocal abuser/MONSTER. Usually I have to admit that I'm just throwing him under the bus (or reaching if I do have some sort of explanation per his proposed psychological state), but in THIS INSTANCE, it's JUSTIFIED because he really WASN'T anyone commendable yet!!!!! He hadn't changed his ways or reflected on how his history or philosophies are keeping his spirit down. He hasn't attempted any healing.

It's less overt but I've caught myself peddling this one too many times for it to be innocuous: I tend to need Trunks to experience UTTER BETRAYAL. Just the absolute shaking-shuttering of a shattered trust-bond, where the only reflex that remains is to retreat and isolate.

THIS IS BOTH OF THOSE THINGS.

THIS CONCEPT AWAKENED SOMETHING IN ME ... In truth it would have bounced off of me if it weren't for previous ghoulish stories that had me open to these sorts of things, but, this one was interesting, and I had a lot of fun piecing it apart / mulling it over / figuring out what it could mean / why it struck me the way it did / what I could do with it.

In the end, it's really something poetic... succinct and distilled. There's a lot of room for discussions about reenactment, the pervasive trend of parents not respecting their children's boundaries, the power dynamics therein, sexual repression and sexual perversion, the duo nature of the sexual instinct and how the yin-yang aspect of it could be disturbed and abused, how hurt people hurt people, ETC - LITERALLY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING ELSE - all from the epicenter of one tangible event:

That old man fucked him in the Room of Spirit and Time. (<- A venerated place meant to teach discipline and constitution, but that never once promised to protect you...!)

I agree that people are afraid of the "antis" -> they are afraid of being outcasted -> they don't feel like they are strong enough to defend themselves -> they are afraid of themselves and of their own potential to resonate with art that is not palatable to the shallow ego and current trends of astringent (but not meaningful!) morality.

THATS SO FUNNY THAT BITCHES HIT LIKE ON YOUR FICS THO!! BUT JUST DONT WANT TO BE SEEN READING IT ... GAH.

Also like other than how fucked up this is the comedic potential is also like .... there. Future Trunks lying in bed in the room of spirit and time tyring to sleep and obviously not sleeping and thinking in his head "Okay Today Was Messed Up But Um I Mean I Mean I'm Sure theres some Meaning to it like some Reason Um ... Um ... OK So I'm going to deal with this when i get Out becasue for now I just have to make it throuhg the year." And then when they do exit the room we can see Future Trunks walk out Hair Unkempt & Overgrown and his posture looks stuck-scared-stiff and his muscles are all constricted because he is still carrying the trauma but he thinks "OK we just have to defeat Cell first and then I can go home and process this then." And then when he does go back to his own timeline he's like "Oh that was all LITERALLY in the past why would i think about that .. I just wont think about it ever again." And so he does nothing to try to work throuhg it or create a sense of safety within himself or anything.

And then when he has to come back Vegeta is such a different man and Future Trunks thinks to himself that he has to be "mature" about this so he conducts himself as if he wasn't tortured by Vegeta in the Room of Spirit and Time all those years ago ... And he hangs out with his present self and he's trying to look interested while little Trunks talks about Minecraft but Future Trunks is stuck thinking on loop in his head "HE IS IN DANGER. HE IS IN DANGER. HE IS IN DANGER."

Becasue he hasn't resolve the original trauma and he is hypervigilant and by instinct he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

IT'S SO MORBID..... But funny..... Idk ...SORRY FOR RAMBLING AGAIN ....

Oh my god this made me so happy you have no idea. I feel like it's just been me out here in the trenches writing in my journals ... it's so refreshing to see another user openly acknowledge and peddle fucked up shit. Like as long as this is a safe space I'm just gonna say that the story that had me right before I found this fic (and what had those doors of consideration open for me) was a story where EOZ Goten finds himself being .. Well what's the term .. GROOMED by Vegeta. I understand that formally Vegeta is very much a virtuous man by this point in time but the ETERNAL DEPTH and NUANCE of the MADNESS compelled me .. What can i say I evidently needed to express it. (And TBH the spin-off versions were ADDICTIVELY HILARIOUS and IMMENSELY POPULAR (to the audience of myself))

THANK YOU..........

HEART <3

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Dragon Ball Rating: Explicit Word Count: 1006 Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Future Trunks Briefs/Vegeta Characters: Future Trunks Briefs, Vegeta (Dragon Ball) Additional Tags: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mild Breeding Kink, Parent/Child Incest, Trans Character, Loss of Virginity Summary:

The strong hand in his hair fists it tighter, yanking his head back far enough that all he can see is the empty white of the chamber.

[platonicpinotnoir]

[platonicpinotnoir]

girl are you okay? you’ve been consuming so much media lately that you haven’t allowed yourself to feel one single human emotion for months

[platonicpinotnoir]

― Albert Camus, Notebooks: 1935-1951

[platonicpinotnoir]

Captain Jack and the fancy pigeon

*maybe someday soon it won’t be gloomy outside.

[platonicpinotnoir]

Ruth Awad, from “Let me be a lamb in a world that wants my lion”