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pizzanuggetdog-blog · 5 years ago

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Mariah,

I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but damn. I’m gonna reblog something and hope that your curiosity takes care of the rest.

I wanted things to work out for us so bad. We have been through so much together, so many ups and so many downs. We went through so many monumental life events over the last 5 years, some of them tearing us apart and others strengthening our bond. We have traveled together, been to new cities together, lived together, and lived apart in different cities. We’ve both made sacrifices for each other, even when it didn’t really benefit ourselves and only the other. We’ve both been super selfish and locked down for the sake of our own well being, whether it was out of fear, nervousness, or being unsure of the future. We have supported each other at our lowest. We have abandoned each other at our lowest. We’ve talked things out and made things work, and we’ve run away from our problems all the same.

And through all of that, we kept coming back. I’ve never felt so comfortable with someone before, to be constructively and constantly trying to improve myself for the sake of another person. I matured and grew so much with you as my main inspiration the entire time. Call me foolish for saying that, cause I know it was, but the longer we were together, the more right it felt. The more every mistake I made took its toll on me. The more I regretted my past actions and felt so silly for making them. In the end, I’ve just never been so close to someone like I am with you. I’ve never known someone so well and related so closely. I’ve never cared about someone and let loose so many emotions so wildly and freely. Just being around you made me so happy, seeing your name pop up on my phone filled me with so much joy. To this day, the spontaneous trip to Dallas, spending 4 days just getting fucked up and going to fancy places on a whim, cancelling my flight just to stay another day, will forever be some of my happiest moments, and at least for now, the happiest.

The reason I say that, is because despite everything we’ve been through, I could never find myself being seriously at mad at you for long. There moments I got heated and upset, and closed down for a bit. But when I would wake up, I couldn’t find it in me to upset or mad anymore. I loved and cared about you so much that I was willing to put myself through whatever was hurting me to make things better. When you told me your latest truths about yourself earlier this year, it broke me. It was so hard to cope with, but I had no choice other than to accept it. It took me a few months to, but I was finally able to get myself to a point where I wasn’t worried or jealous anymore. Knowing that the intimacy of our relationship was on a thin line, going back and forth, hurt so bad, but knowing that you were happy and comfortable is what pulled me through to accepting it. It was never up for debate. I tried to never to tell you to stop. I supported you to the best of my ability, and it was really fucking hard sometimes. I did open up to my sister about it drunkenly about a month after you first told me, I was just so lost and hurt and confused. It was so wrong of me. I knew she wouldn’t tell anyone cause she is such a closed off and personal person, but i know it’s not an excuse. You trusted me to keep it private, and I’m so sorry for breaking that trust. Me casually bringing it up to you was so fucked up. In my mind, I had gotten over the hardship of it all, and I guess I really trivialized it. I knew I hadn’t told anyone else, and to this day, my sister swears she has not talked about it outside of the one night her and I talked about it. So the seriousness of it really... slipped my mind. I’m so sorry about that. There’s no excuses.

Tonight, watching you stream, made me realize that if we are really done here, I don’t have it in me to make the final cut. I want to support you so bad and see you grow, but if we are really over, I can’t...

I love you so much. I miss what we had. So please, I guess I have one final wish to you:

If we are done, please remove me from whatever ways we have left to connect. League, steam, social media, your damn location (yes, you still have that shared, which I found out after Julia’s phone was lost downtown a few days ago and I was trying to track it down)... I don’t have it in me to do it myself. I just unblock then re add or re follow. Taking you out of my life is so difficult for me, because I don’t want to take you out of it.

I feel like I put what’s left in my heart out. If there’s anything left for you to say to me, you have my number. If not, then we had a good run. I love you with all my heart, and I’ll always cherish what we had. You are the best and closest friend I’ve ever had in my whole life. I just wish it didn’t have to end, my DoyDoy.

💜

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pizzanuggetdog-blog · 5 years ago

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