pipesmokingtiger - Tumblr blog

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archive moodboard for @vcnill-a!

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Phew, the tiger is her sisters familiar! #illustration #celinekim #witches #tiger #familiar #korea

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고추다 용인민속촌 2018년 9월

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o0bb_b

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City, sunset and cosmos flowers, Ichon Hangang Park.

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Seoul Street Corners

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cafe rooftop in cheongsapo, busan.

카페 루프탑 - 청사포, 부산.

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Chuseok, my experience

I honestly wasn’t expecting that much from the holiday considering that I was running off at 830AM on 4 hours of sleep to meet a whole side of my family for the first time. 

But I was pleasantly surprised by my first Chuseok in Korea.

To be perfectly candid I hadn’t been able to sleep well the night before because I was tossing and turning worrying about the potential language barrier and just how willing the people I would meet would be to accept me into their fold.  Even though we are technically family by blood -- my grandmother’s brother family-- I still felt apprehensive.  I’m biracial so I was nervous as I waited at the bus stop  for my second-cousin to pick me up.  Would they give me nervous looks as they tried to gauge my Korean ability? Would they just make me sit in the background as everyone took part in the festivities, like I was some unnoticeable fly on the wall?

I’ve experienced all of the above before and I wouldn’t have been surprised if I got that treatment again.  Despite how hard I had studied Korean language and history for going on four years now, nothing can erase my culturally and lingual fluency more easily then my face.  Being white-passing undeniably has its privileges as I am held to a different standard and racial profile from my Korean relatives but I also am physically unable to blend in.  Be it on the subway or at the grocery store, more often than not I see a curious eye watching me.  The attention of course is never bad, the majority of the time it’s genuine interest or intrigue, but as a result I find myself habitually trying my hardest to be as “Korean” as possible.  Living abroad for a semester last year and living in Korea now, I always try to embrace the fashion, the hairstyles, the make-up look.  Anything to blend in and not cause a scene.  Be it in the US or in Korea, I always prefer to not stand out and make my way from point A to point B without a fuss.  

But at Chuseok, waiting to meet my relatives who I had never met before, I felt on edge.  At least in the beginning, I felt like I would have to be put on the spot and my “Korean-ness”-- my language ability, my look, my style, my manners-- would all be assessed to a degree.  It was stupid, but I was trying to go over last-minute vocabulary words and manners like this was some kind of test.  My “Korean-ness” grade was on the line and it felt like the next few hours could make or break everything for some reason.

When my two cousins came to pick me up from the bus stop I was a bit wary.  My older cousin tentatively waved and asked very slowly if I was Danbi, my Korean name, and we met with my other cousin who had his seven year old son holding his hand.  Even though we have a ten and twenty year age difference respectively we were able to string together a conversation and I felt more comfortable in my Korean and they felt more comfortable with trying to have a conversation with me.  

The rest of the day passed better than I could have expected.  As I participated in the 차례 or the ceremony in which you bow to one’s ancestors with food and drinks on a table, I was welcomed by everyone.  The kids, a motley crew of children ranging from the ages of 7 to a few months old, were a bit wary of me because apparently I was the first foreigner who they had met this close in person.  But things progressed well.  I drank with everyone as we ate and everyone seemed genuinely kind and interested in myself and my relatives who were in the states.  We talked about family gossip, traces of Confucianism in Korean society, and even the process of making and classifying different alcoholic beverages.  

Honestly I don’t really know where I wanted to go with this post but I guess since it’s more of a personal “journal entry” I’ll just end this with I really felt like I was hanging out with my family at Chuseok.  I saw bits of their problematic sides with comments about weight and a copious amount of alcohol being drank in daylight hours.  But it all felt genuine and I didn’t feel the overwhelming sense that I was a foreigner inhibited by my language ability or my lack of culturally understanding to be connected to the festivities of Chuseok.  

So here’s to a year of research and Korean immersion that will hopefully help me move past feeling like I have to measure up to some “Korean-ness” test with every interaction I have.  I’m me and although I’m not perfectly white nor perfectly Korean I’m still a valid identity that doesn’t have to conform to any sort of specification. 

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가을은 제 제일 좋아하는 계절이다. 이번년의 단풍 기대됨.

분당, 2017

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☔🐈 (Via @plzlukatme)

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Neon && Nature OC {https://www.instagram.com/steveroe_/}

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Yeoljeongdo on a rainy night.

A short walk from Yongsan’s Namyeong Station, Yeoljeongdo is an old printing district where young entrepreneurs have converted many of the factory spaces into restaurants, cafes and bars.

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Oh no there is a tiger!!

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First installment of my blog I’ll be trying to update while I’m in South Korea.  I think I’m going to use this tumblr as a more informal outlet but I’m planning some cool stuff for the blog so stay tuned!