pinkbitchxox

[pinkbitchxox]

Selfish anti-social introvert

I know I don’t care about much but people get so offended by that. I try to pretend I care but that takes a lot of effort and energy. I need time to recharge. I get caught off guard and snap or spiral into a bad bad mood. I love when I don’t have feelings of guilt or shame but it means I have to be in solitude a lot and that’s boring. I’m struggling with priorities in social time/ work time/ study time. I don’t like talking in the morning or when I have things to do. But even when I want to relax that is something I am busy doing and I don’t like being interrupted. Ever.

Also I can’t keep friendships going once you piss me off or say the wrong thing or once we stop relating to each other. One the one hand yes friends outgrow each other but I’m very quick to judge and cut people off. I can be understanding but no one bothers to explain so I’m left to assume. I didn’t think I was an oversharer in comparison t other people I massively am.

I was triggered into writing today because my sister came over to bother me during my relaxation time after work. And said I was boring (trying to get my own stuff done while she sat anti socially on tiktok). I finally said yes to going out (during the rain) and we went to the shop. On my driveway she called me a lesbian again which was rude especially as I don’t want to keep justifying myself or basically allowing her to bully me. So I said you’re not coming in my house I’m not letting you in you bitch I don’t care about you. She said why. I said cos you keep being rude and calling me a lesbian. She must be so ignorant to my feelings/rude behaviour or just used to allowing abusive language herself. Either way it is messed up and everytime she is rude to me I just let it go. But I’m bored of it. Trying to better myself, constantly. I’m sober. I workout. I study. I have plans. I am focused. I try to have family time. And she is always rude or calling me boring. I may not be interested in her stuff or want to do what she wants but I am not rude unprovoked. She has no reasonable bone in her body.

I don’t care if people see me as undateable or boring or workaholic or head in the clouds dreamer whatever. I don’t care about jokes or sarcasm, we all do it. It’s easy to brush off but outright rudeness or jokes in bad taste. Even if I tell one it feels wrong and I’ll make it known.

I don’t even know what the point in this post was.

#pointless #useless #nofun #introvert #antisocial #indecisive

[pinkbitchxox]

DREAMLAND ☁️✨

I had possibly one of my coolest dreams and actually remembered it, I woke up of course at the end. Partly what made it my coolest dream was that I woke up when I was meant to not in the middle of it.

I won’t share too much but picture this.

Oceanwater, shipwrecks, big ships (old skool medieval ones), giant vikings, mystical weapons, fighting.

I’m not much of an action lover but the views were better than any I’ve seen in real life and the feeling was like how being alive should feel.

And now I want to feel that like again and live my best life. So off to figure out how to do that 🔜

[pinkbitchxox]

Don’t let yourself be collateral damage.

I’ve decided to become more self involved. Take others advice, sometimes with a pinch of salt, other times wholeheartedly.

Firstly this felt like me becoming less polite, for example not looking like a victim in the streets, don’t smile at strangers, don’t apologise for someone else bumping into me. PRIDE ≠ RUDE

Secondly this felt like repeating over the same cycle of to do lists that get lost, goals that get rewritten in a non plagiarising way. But realistically it is a change of routine and trust and beliefs. I know how it sounds I hardly believe it writing it down. But it’s not just an easy choice. We’ll get to my lessons I’ve faced this year later. I am looking at my routine and choosing to not overdo helping the same people when I have already reached my personal sharing boundaries for that week. Learning to trust the 2 people I’ve decided help me be realistic or have a second perspective.

Building my goals isn’t quite through yet as I haven’t quite taken my first baby steps however my plan to do this in a fun way is, with a friend on the same page so we can have regular check-ins. I do not owe myself to people, if they feel entitled to me that is their problem and I will not be guilt tripped into because of their projections. And I am ignoring the gossip in my family home and the question probing which leads to my control fantasies. I will not be involved in my own sabotage.

However much my Mum’s advice is true and needed, I do not require it with every interaction. Sometimes I just want a friend. Enter relationship with my Dad, much more carefree, much less caring. Opposite sides of the same coin. Not enough experience being around my Dad to compare the 2, of understand fully the importance of either as they have completely different roles in my life.

As to what led me to this opinion of a personality change.. well it was a bit of a reluctant choice as I hate change. And not really a choice as much as a realisation. I lost money this year, me being distracted and not facing issues head on as they appeared. Partly because I forgot how important journaling and reflecting is. Also because I’m a bit stubborn and a bit naive.

Onwards and Upwards.

P.S. if you didn’t notice this is a major character development 🧿

[pinkbitchxox]

You are the most important person in your life

[pinkbitchxox]

I wanna feel connected to someone even when we’re not together otherwise it just seems fake if it’s only for me cos they can see me. Like I’m a last thought. I don’t want to have to distract myself. I wish I could be confident and calm and be me without overwhelming people. I want a love so strong that anyone can spot it a mile ago, and that miles away it can still be felt without any other feelings getting in the way, like sadness/anger/resentment.

[pinkbitchxox]

dokładnie

Stephanie | name moodboard

[pinkbitchxox]

Lmao

[pinkbitchxox]

We’re OK with letting them have this BAR though:

[pinkbitchxox]

Heartbreak

2nd heartbreak of the year but I feel so connected with myself that I’m ok with how things go as long as I know who I am and what I stand for and believe in.

[pinkbitchxox]

Is empathy real?

‪c b a for anything and anyone. Like i can push through and do shit, it doesn’t stop my negative attitude and can’t be bothered attitude. No one cares enough to listen and if they do they realise they shouldn’t have or just forget as soon as u tell them anything

[pinkbitchxox]

If you ever got in a fight it’s because you stood up for something

‪“Letting something get to you” hmmm no that’s cancelled, it’s easy for people to just forget stuff and brush it off if you can’t do anything about it but like why let shit slide if it gets to you? obvs don’t want shit getting to you all the time at least try do something about it is better than nothing‬

[pinkbitchxox]

Anxiety

‪Literally cannot help feeling incapable/worthless my anxiety takes over and makes me think what if they hate u or what if theres a “true” motivation behind their doing. I can’t help my feelings. My mind makes me feel like I can’t talk too much in case I’m annoying but I’m allowed to do what I want right? How do I know if I’m thinking something through enough to say it or if I’m just overthinking it. People say think before you speak? Idk what that means.. think what? More? Think what u say could cause like..? No I think what I think and I say what I think and mean what I say. Probs cos I overthink everything.‬

[pinkbitchxox]

I needed to see this😊

always remember that love will always come back to u. in a different form, different person, different hobby, different touch. but in any way, love will always come back.

[pinkbitchxox]

Self-love

People say the key to changing ur mental health and bettering your life is to start with self love.. I do love myself, I love the way I look and show my dedication and passion I even love my new friends so much I will stand up for them no matter what. Even strangers when injustice is present. It’s that I care about what I do for other people more than what I do for myself. I like being nice to people as I’ve been put down in life by people close to me but never bullied by strangers. So I know it’s nice to be cared about. It’s just that I don’t know how to push myself to do more for myself. I barely see results of what selfishness can achieve apart from hurting other people (me).

[pinkbitchxox]

Life lesson

‪To be honest I’m still learning not to expect anything from anyone. It’s hard though. Cos I’ve hurt people unintentionally and sometimes nothing can be said to fix it and people always seem to hurt me unintentionally. It is hard to know where to draw the line between standard care/appreciation then high unreachable expectations. So, I’m drawing the line at my care, I’m made to feel I need to become selfish so that nothing will ever get to me. Cos life aint fair and things happen all the time for no reason where u replace it with a hurtful reason‬. If I do draw a line with my care and efforts I know I will seem unworthy and as I can’t just think nice things and actions I need to show them. I just don’t know where to start.

[pinkbitchxox]

Being nice gets you nowhere

Well we’ve all heard that one before and I’m not sure it’s necessarily true. Being nice gets you places sure, there’s a limit though. I never realised some people are so bitter that even by never failing to try and cheer them up or simply being kind to them will not help them when they are on a route past the point of no return. There are many different subjects or things in life people may be bitter about but once past the point of no return they have no saviour except themselves, they only know this on some days as these people generally have little confidence. But sometimes the most. You see people change in different environments/social settings/times of day. There are many things which may hinder the motivation a person has to do something in their life and that upsets me a lot because it affects me all the time. I am turning bitter as of my current feelings yet I am the person who never fails to try and befriend someone who clearly doesn’t get along with me. I don’t know what I am. I seem to never be understood and that frustrates me as I don’t need to be liked or for people to agree on topics with me but I always have the desire to be understood and no amount of time spent explaining myself ever seems to explain myself.

[pinkbitchxox]

Struggling

I feel like my life is struggling although many say it’s still the start which even though I know it’s still hard in the moment. So I try to distract myself by doing things that make me happy although this makes my situation worse. By spending money on going out with friends, drugs, clothes and then I’m financially low every single month. I try to see my boyfriend more to cheer me up but I then get very attached as he cheers me up so well but I get jealous of his whole life and that makes me resent him. I wake up feeling fine and one day I recognise the cycle and breakdown as my life is going nowhere. So although I am young I see no way of progression and that is why I cry.