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Update 2/2/19

Wow, i’m about to write something that doesn’t usually sound like it would be from me, but i promise you there’s a happy ending. First off, let start off by saying wow, 2018 really was a year just full of hurt and a lot of ups and downs. From beginning to end, it was a year that would have affected me for the rest of my life. In the beginning of it, i found myself in a place where i know i shouldn’t have been. waking up everyday thinking “okay, what’s next?” my grades were falling behind due to my mental state, i started smoking and doing a lot more drugs, i would be putting myself out there for people who would be so quick to throw me away. I just wasn’t in the right state of mind. i often found myself saying “fuck love” because it just never seemed to work out for me. I threw away the idea that one person would be there for me forever. I just really couldn’t believe that someone out there could ever love me. not on some self deprecating shit, but I came with too much baggage. I had too many problems within me that would project into any relationship i got into. I just wasn’t capable of loving another human being properly and healthily, when i couldn’t even love myself. i tried dating. i found someone. we talked for awhile and she was good to me. In the end something happened and we just weren’t as good as we thought we were for each other. we broke that off and after that I found myself shutting out people who wanted to get to know me. i thought that if i couldn’t even get this one person to stay with me for a short amount of time, who would want me forever?

One thing i always took pride in was the fact that i never give up. If i have a goal that i want to reach i will do anything to get to that goal. The one thing i wanted to do was get better. It was to finally find myself and focus on me. it was a weird feeling bc i haven’t done that in over 6-7 years. I was finding out new things about myself as well. I found out that i like to be alone in nature while thinking to myself, i found out that i prefer my coffee black sometimes, i found out that the way i think is very logical. It was weird at first, thinking to myself am i doing this just bc or is this me? and it was me! it was like getting to know an entirely different person, or a distant best friend you haven’t seen in awhile. i think it’s the first time in awhile i actually felt comfortable being me. I continued trying to better my ways, practice healthy coping mechanisms, and being at ease with the fact that change doesn’t happen over night. gradually, i found myself becoming happier and happier. until one day, a situation happened in which i lost a few people that i thought i was close to. Ngl, i retracted. i took ten steps back from where i was and stood there wondering how? why? and furthermore what did i do? i pondered this for so long, asked multiple friends “am i a bad person?” or “what are my flaws? can you tell me so i can improve on them?” just constantly asking questions when the answer was infront of me all along. a word that wasn’t in my vocabulary, and that was acceptance. accepting that sometimes you don’t need an explanation, you don’t need closure, and you don’t need to dwell. sometimes people like to think there’s a certain way to go about things, that everyone should follow, but that’s not correct. everyone is different. So with that i accepted that this is my life. I may not see what they see but that’s what they see so i’ll accept that, process it, learn from it, and apply to my life. i think once i reached that point, i thought that “I’m finally more than okay, i’m actually improving and progressing so much.”

fast forward to present day. i think this is the happiest i’ve ever been on a day to day basis. I look back on who i was 3, 2, and even 1 year ago and i’m like damn, i’ve come a long way. i don’t overthink things like i used to, i have an actual schedule rather than being unorganized, and most importantly i feel like i actually have my life together. i have a loving family who supports me and are there for me, a mom that loves me with all her heart and a btoeher who is my best friend. i have amazing friends who have stuck with me no matter what had happened, even tho i was never my best self they pushed me and showed me that the love you feel with your significant other or your family isn’t the only love out there. I’ve struggled for many years to even see myself this happy, there were quite a few times i didn’t want to know if i was going to make it this far, but i did it. And it’s not over just yet, but as of now this is life. I’m happy, i’m loved, and i’m doing just fine.

[phvraoh]

10-9-17 4:13AM

you've calmed down, but you probably won't get any sleep. it's okay tho. i know you're tired of feeling the pain and anxiety. i can promise you this, one day, i don't know how long, you'll wake up with a clear mind. the anxiety you feel will weaken and your heart will mend back together. i know it may seem impossible now but just stay with me.

[phvraoh]

10-9-17 2:03 AM

You just woke up with a huge anxiety attack. remember to breathe. remember your worth. remember how much you deserve. remember how much you don't deserve to feel this way. you deserve so much more. breathe cody. inhale and exhale. you'll be fine. no one should ever feel this way. i'm sorry you're going thru this, i really am truly sorry. you don't deserve this.

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10-6-17 1:33 AM

that was it.

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10-2-17 6:07PM

you've been lied to too many times. you deserve the truth. you may never get it, but at least you know it. you've been laying in your bed all day, have not gotten up once to eat or drink. it's okay to sulk. sulk as log as you need to. but just don't stay there too long. remember your worth. you may not see it now, but i'll be damned if you convince yourself otherwise. i know you wanted to commit suicide today. i'm glad you didn't. i'm so glad you didn't. you can get thru it. you can get past all of this pain and heartbreak. you can live to see another day. just imagine your future. imagine your kids. imagine your wife. it'll be worth it one day. don't give up now

[phvraoh]

10-2-17

it's 12:34 AM, you're having an anxiety attack. you know why this is happening. Breath, please breath. type your thoughts. get everything out of you. breath in and breath out. one day this anxiety will end. i promise. your anxiety will come to an end some day. please breath. please drink water. please eat. stay with me, cody. stay with me. don't give up. i know you're going thru so much and i'm so proud of you for staying in it. just keep strong. fight these awful thoughts. you are better than that. you have so much to offer

[phvraoh]

10-2-17

documention of how you did not eat anything all day because you've been laying in bed all day. remember to eat. if you continue to starve yourself you'll continue to be ill. drink water, eat food, and be productive. As of right now, you're going on two egg and cheese wraps and hash browns.

[phvraoh]

One Day

you've been posting a lot lately on here, but that's just because you're heartbroken and depressed. it's understandable cody, don't feel bad for having an outlet. just know everything does get better. everything will get better. it may take months maybe even years, but trust me, you will feel better. you crave a love that only you know. you want a relationship in which you both feel so strongly for each other. you want something that no matter what, that they will always want to work thru it. One day, someone will walk into your life when you least except it and show you everything they have to offer. One day, you will receive the love and affection you crave by someone who truly wants to give it to you. One day, you will find your soulmate. You will laugh together, cry together, build together, get stronger together, love together, live together, and just be there for each other. One day, a person will come wanting to give you everything they have to offer, and in return you give the same amount of love and affection. One day, your heart will be healed. the wounds you have will heal. your idea of love will be something positive. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE. Don't convince yourself you won't. First you need to heal first. you need to patch yourself up. you have to get your mind straight. So until that person comes into your life, fix yourself.

[phvraoh]

9/27/17-A Love I Want

As far back as i remember, everytime i look at the sky it reminds me of so many memories. Memories of what now are broken relationships, some people i dont even talk to anymore, but each time i make a new memory i get scared that’s all it will ever be, a memory. Im scared to ever give myself away or feel vulnerable ever again. Sure, people want me, but i dont want them. I dont want to be hurt again. I dont want to ever think of the concept of love. All i ever took away from it was that you open up to someone, they become a very important part of your life, you cling on to them, they get mad and they end up leaving your life. Its an endless cycle of heartbreak and each time it hurts more and more. I dont want to be hurt by someone ever again, but realistically for that to happen i would need to be celibate forever. I fucked up a lot in y past relationships, more than i should have. But all that self hate i developed for myself, i figured out what was healthy and what was not. I could never live down what i’ve done. Hell, i still look back on my first real relationship and think to myself “Wow, i was a piece of shit” If i didnt do what i did before, i would’ve been in something healthy. 

 I used to have so much love to give. I used to want to treat my significant other like a queen. I would want to buy her things even if she wasn’t around, big or small, anything that reminded me of her i would want to buy her. I would want to take her out on dates every weekend to remind her that she is that important to me. I would listen to her no matter what she had to say, even if she was upset with me, i would listen, accept my faults, and apologize. I would want to hold her in my arms falling asleep and wake up to her right next to me. I would want to always want to make sure she feels important and loved. For anniversary’s i would make her mix CD’s of what songs remind me of her, or take her out to her favorite restaurant, buy her favorite flowers for her, make a hand made card and draw random little doodles in the blank spaces. I would want to experience everything with them, whether its good or bad, i want to always be there for them. I would want them to be independent, so they dont ever feel tied down or feel as if they are compensating. I want them to be their whole self around me so i can love everything about them. I would want to facetime them whenever they’re free, even if its for a second so i could see their face and hear their angelic voice. On boring days we could stay in, order food, and play with our dogs. On productive days, we motivate each other to do things. 

i want to be active within their friend group. I would always invite them out with us to eat, or if they just want to hang out. I would want her to know i just dont want her to myself, but let everyone experience the joy and happiness she irradiates. I would support her no matter what, through anything she wants to do i would be there for her because thats what she really wants. I just want to love them for them, and want them to love me for me. 

If we ever fought, which is inevitable, i would keep it constructive as possible. If she needs to tell me how she feels, then im with it. If she wants to tell me how she isnt feeling special, then i’ll work on making her feel special. if she says im too clingy, i’ll work on that. No matter what, i would end every argument with an “I love you” and let her know that no matter what, i would want to work thru it.

I used to be this way, but now im just too scared to even think of being with anyone or doing this for anyone. I dont know if i could ever love again tbh.  

[phvraoh]

9/27/17

Today marks the day you make the change. Only you know what this means. hopefully, the next time you're scrolling through your old posts you see this and be like "damn, you did it"

[phvraoh]

What that mean? Im tryin to holla 😛

i'm emotionally unavailable atm

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Are you single???

LOL i dont even know

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Nader Chaudhry by Jamie Hawkesworth for ARENA HOMME + Winter / Spring 2015

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by @ kishkilo, https://instagram.com/p/BDBmfAByn55/

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Un garçon.

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