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My ADHD: “Oh, that’s why!”

ADHD and me.  I’m literate.  I can write a book.  I’ll just get easily distracted when I go to read it.  A person walks by, my head turns.  A car passes by, my attention goes to the car.  “Is it someone I know? Are they here to see me?”  Back to reading.  Where was I? Ugh!

My wife and I go out to a restaurant for a date night.  She knows she’s screwed if there’s a TV anywhere behind her.  We’re both people-watchers.  The surrounding noises and buzz will overwhelm us both when it comes time to having a conversation with each other.  We’ll gaze romantically into each other’s eyes not hearing a word the other is saying because the table next to us is discussing last night’s episode of whatever show they watched.  We have to repeat our comments a couple times.  It makes for a real challenge (like being married to me wasn’t challenging enough?)  We both look forward to going to Starbucks afterwards so she can enjoy her coffee (I don’t drink coffee) and we both sit on our phones catching up on other people’s lives and events.  Yet at home, we’ll talk for hours on end.  But in public, forget it.

 We live in a house where all four of us have ADHD…different kinds, to boot!  We used to bang heads about why we were always late getting to events, homework, chores, and many other day-to-day tasks.  That was until we all learned we have ADHD and learned about what it is and how it affects us.  Life is now different!

We now are understanding that our 11 year old will turn on the shower and then stand in front of the mirror singing whatever music he brought in with him, forgetting that the shower is running.  We are now understanding when our 23 year old will misplace a paycheck.  Our boys are more forgiving to me when I zone out as I forgot that they’ve already shared with me whatever story they’re referencing, and I have no idea what they’re talking about.  We’re all more understanding when my wife can’t make a decision to save her life because it’s just overwhelming to her.

 Our electronic devices intrigue us in ways that most feel is common for the era we live in.  They’re wrong.  We (in our family) are not “addicted” to our devices (as some may think).  I’ve come to understand that while we’re wired-in, we live in our own world where we can “control” our environment and how many distractions we want to satisfy ourselves without criticism of others.  I used to think that when my boys play on their mobile device while also watching TV was a terrible thing.  It’s not!  It’s just the way their brains are currently being satisfied.  Many people with ADHD thrive on “chaos.”  Many of us also thrive on “structure.”  Sounds weird, huh?  It’s true!

 But don’t misinterpret this with “multitasking.”  When we try to multitask, it often leads to many, many incomplete projects.  But rather look at it as our ADHD brains are balloons full of mind-racing events and thoughts that are pushing the balloon to its capacity.  The eating while texting while the TV is on is just an example of how we balance the frenzy in the balloon so it doesn’t pop.

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Everyone Should Have an Uncle Bob

So what was your life event that made you change your course?  A parent passing away?  9/11?  A shocking movie ending?  An inspiring story on the news?

In January 2002, just a few months after 9/11, Mom unexpectedly passed away.  This turned my world up-side-down.  Not only did 9/11 rock our very existence and make us all question our mortality, but ‘reality’ slapped us all in the face just how short life is.

I had been in the corporate grind for a few years successfully (or at least I thought I was) but always hated ‘office politics’ and other people controlling my destiny at the company.  When Mom passed, my wife (Amy) and my father both offered me the opportunity to change my life in a profound way…in a way that I couldn’t even dream about:  to drop my career and go back to school to become a photographer…….just like my Uncle Bob.

Yes, I wanted to be like my Uncle Bob.  You know Uncle Bob; he’s the uncle who was always sincerely happy to see you and always smiling.  With the guidance of my uncle, I finished my studies in photography, worked for a major studio in Manhattan, and eventually opened my own business…just like Uncle Bob.  I had a Mac, Nikon cameras and lenses, a cool studio space, and a passion for being the nice guy making ALL of our clients happy and maintain an impeccable reputation…just like my Uncle Bob.  He taught me to give back to the community, as he was regularly donating his time to local charities and organizations.  So I did the same.  And from as far back as I could remember, Uncle Bob would wink at me every time he saw me!  And I’d always wink back at him.  How cool was he?!  (Oddly enough, I didn’t know that he had a nervous twitch in his eye and he wasn’t actually ‘winking’ at me.)

Over the years, Uncle Bob gave me important photography tips, such as:

“Danny, do you want to stop off for a bite on our way to the studio?” he asked.

“No, that’s ok. I don’t want to make us go out of the way,” I replied.

“Danny, first lesson of photography:  Food is always on the way!”

He taught me to never steal any other photographer’s business.  Always respect other photographers making their living.  Make sure your clients are 100% happy.  Always bring two of everything to a photo shoot.

When my second son was born, I was eager to include my favorite relative.  We named my son Cyan Robert Stockfield.

What didn’t I know about Uncle Bob until a few years ago?  He suffered from Depression, Diabetes, Obesity, which led to heart issues.  I visited him a few years ago to go cheer him up.  I didn’t know what ‘Depression’ really was. I assumed it was, you know…someone over-reacting to their problems and crying in a corner somewhere…and that they’ll get over it.  When I visited him on this particular visit, his studio was a wreck.  He hadn’t cleaned it up and became a hoarder.  I insisted I was going to help him.  I cleaned up his entire studio top to bottom.  I filled up a dumpster of old stuff.  We were able to downsize his space as he was renting space for his clutter.  Things were going to be just fine.  Afterwards, I was driving us on the interstate when he began crying hysterically like a 3 year old.  I’d never seen this.  My awesome, happy uncle was showing signs of being sad?  I pulled over to the side of the road as he wept uncontrollably for a good 15 minutes.   It was then I realized he was not well, and he may never be.  Again, I was completely ignorant to what Depression actually was, and it freaked me out.

Uncle Bob visited a couple years later for Christmas.  I found him crying in the den because he missed his wife (my Aunt Sharon), who didn’t make the trip.  I felt helpless not knowing what to say or do to help him.  These episodes were becoming regular with us as he didn’t show this side of himself to anyone else.  He and I had a unique connection.  I was a chubby kid, like he was.  I was mild-mannered and soft-spoken, like he was.  I was always looking to make everyone smile, like he did.  I wasn’t about being materialistic or flashy.  Neither was he.  We both have huge hearts and oftentimes are misunderstood.

Uncle Bob and my dad had many years between them and probably ‘typical brother’ issues to some people.  I saw that there were tremendous miscommunications between them as they drifted apart for many years.  I always wished that I could get both of them into a room together and clear it all up in 5 minutes.  Dad had asked me not to tell my uncle about him being sick in the hospital.  And I hated that I had to respect his wishes.  At the very end, I gave in and called Uncle Bob the day before Dad passed and told him. I KNEW that I could as I saw the miscommunications from both sides.  But, unfortunately, Dad passed away (in November 2011) before I ever got the chance.  I called Bob the next day to tell him that Dad had passed and I’ll see him at the funeral.  I saved a seat for Uncle Bob up front next to me.  He never showed.

While many in our family were angry that he didn’t come up, my heart was breaking for him.  I can’t imagine the anguish that he must’ve been going through to come to a conclusion that ‘not attending his brother’s funeral’ was actually the better option for him.  For the next couple of years, I spoke with Uncle Bob trying to understand.  Watching my parents pass away at young ages, I realized that dying young may run in the family, so I better go get healthy. I went on to lose 103 lbs. and haven’t been sick in almost 5 years.  I also started to focus on learning everything I could and get help with my ADHD…of which I’d been ignoring.  After learning about it, I also learned just over a year ago from my doctor that I have Depression.  Having ADHD didn’t shock me.  Having Depression did!  And the pieces of the puzzle started falling into place.  After studying Depression for a while, I continued to understand my Uncle Bob more and more.  He (in my opinion) had ADHD and didn’t know it.  And (in my opinion) he wasn’t being treated for Depression properly.

Over the past couple of years, Uncle Bob had severed all communications with our family, including me.  I left phone messages and emailed him.  No replies. And I was too scared to do the “drop-in”.

I got word yesterday that my Uncle Bob passed away at home.  My heart is shattered.  My idol…my mentor…my role model. Misunderstood, unfairly judged, and dismissed by family.  I never got to help him.  I never got to tell him that I’ve been feeling what he’s felt, but that I finally learned and understood why!

Up until now, I’ve been silent about my ADHD and Depression as I’ve felt I will be misunderstood, unfairly judged, and dismissed by people.  I HAVE ADHD & DEPRESSION. And it’s okay!

I will continue to write and share as I don’t want for anyone else with a disability be too proud to let others into their lives or have fears about it.  Help is everywhere. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

RIP Uncle Bob

I love you and miss you.