phoenixisfromfrance

[phoenixisfromfrance]

Death or the inevitability ahead

To jump back into this on such a random topic. Here goes nothing:

Even though it’s not something I have really dealt with emotionally and or personally to much, I want to try and tackle a situation that has recently arose. I hope and feel that putting this into writing will take away the vaguely argumentative and defensive wall I’ve put up against people.

The earliest I can recall ever being emotionally effected by a death was the death of my older cousin. Before I talk about his death, I want to say that I always looked up to him. He was the coolest person I knew and the time I spent with him will always mean more than he will ever get to know. Some of our great memories below:

He always had the coolest board shorts.

We were the best Hand & Foot team ever (Card Game).

Rush 2049 for N64 was our jam.

Santa Cruz, CA is where we spent summers.

I remember I was downstairs sitting on our circular wood coffee table playing a video game (what it might have been I don’t know). My dad walked in the room and asked me to stop playing for a second so he could tell me something. I paused the game and looked at him. He then told me that my cousin had been in a car accident and died upon impact. He continued to talk and my face was just still. I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t move and tried processing which led to...nothing. My cousin was going 85 mph in a 25 mph zone. He lost control of the car and killed two people out for a walk at night. He also had a passenger in the car with him, his Youth Pastor. There was no drug use or alcohol involved, just a decision made at a point in time.

After all that was now in front of me figuratively, my dad asked if I wanted to talk about it or had any questions. With a straight face I said, “Nope.” That was it, the only thing I said was “nope.” My dad nodded and walked out of the room. We had the loudest stairs at the time and you always knew when someone made it to the the top. As I listened to my dad walk up the stairs I un-paused the game and the moment I knew he was at the top of the stairs I started bawling. Not loud crying, but a stream of tears. It wouldn’t stop...

How was I to remember the person I looked up to? It felt like all the newest information had put an overcast upon the past. That would always loom overhead when recalling anything to do with him.

Recently I got a promotion through work and moved across country with my girlfriend and her kid. My family lives back on the West Coast so there is quite a divide. Three days I received a phone call, listed as my dad’s contact information. To my surprise it was mom, not that much of a surprise I guess. She didn’t sound normal, she stresses easy so I thought not much of it. She started describing stuff that had happened to dad. He was helping people move couches and had some chest pains. He then decided to drive home, though upon arrival he looked pale and was sweating profusely in need of lying down. Ten minutes later he called for my mom and she dialed 911 due to intense pain he was feeling. She was on the way to the hospital while on the phone with me in a panic. In the moment, I was cracking jokes because it didn’t seem that bad and she would chuckle at a few of them, but then casually said, “Stop talking like your father.” We said our goodbyes and she would then update me on the situation when she knew more.

Two days later I decide to call having heard nothing back and learned that it was a lot more serious than was originally explained to me. He had to have multiple heart stints put in and couldn’t clear all the blockage. He has to be on medication for the rest of his life (which comes with the territory I suppose), but he also has to monitor food intake and exercise daily. All these things seemed easy to do and I knew that my father would understand and make these sacrifices for the betterment of his health. My mother then followed it up by saying, “Your father has also smoked for 24 years.” I knew he had the occasional cigar, but 24 years of 2-3 cigarettes a day? I was kinda impressed. No one knew, no one in our family had any idea that this was going on. Never saw a pack, wrappers, butts, smell, nothing to anyone's knowledge. I on the other hand did smoke after High School for quite a while. That probably made it easier at some points for my dad to hide it due to smell from my clothing or me smoking outside at night.

After having talked to a co-worker about the situation I find myself in, I feel that I need to change the end of this. After explaining all of the above and breaking it down even further, she told me a story from her past (which I now find my doesn’t compare, relatively speaking) and said, “Whatever happened is now finished. That part of the story is written. All you can do is support and move forward.” She was right, I couldn’t justify my anger or disbelief that a parent would lie to their child and significant other for so long or that situations when I was younger now seemed even more unfair in light of the newest revelation. My dad had now said the truth instead of continuing to hide behind the lie he had built. He knows that he needs to take steps forward and I can’t hold him back by wanting justifications for all his actions.

Hopefully by this point, I have given you something to think about or an insight into someone else’s view. In all I feel so much more weight is off my shoulders and the walls I have built up are taken down to a much more manageable level. One last thing I want to say is that when these circumstances happen, you never know how they will affect you and the way you treat others. Your processing power and awareness are severely limited and you end up hurting the people closest to you who are trying to make you feel safe and secure. Knowing that the strength of a relationship can push past a situation like this is reassuring.

Ironically, one of my favorite moments with my father is sharing a cigar together in Mexico. That was always something I wanted to cross off my list and I’m glad I got to do it before this arose.

“I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection.” -  Norman Cousins

[phoenixisfromfrance]

Collection VS Netflix!!!

After having tried to unpack my Collection for what I hope to be the last time. *Fingers Crossed* I have come to realize that I own to many movies. I recently counted the movies I own which I thought was around 700 (Combo of VHS and DVDs) 90% of which are DVDs, came out to be over 1,000+ (All with cases). Surprisingly I didn't have even close to enough space to unpack them (2/3 is in my garage still). Know some people are always saying, "You can never have enough movies!" To them I say, "Sir, I do believe you are mistaken." I'm a crazy movie buff, but 1,000+ is way to many. This brings me to the reason I'm posting and hopefully continue to update this Blog for many weeks to come. I have decided to start a weekly Movie Review. Sounds cheesy and I already know, but with this comes a goal. For every movie I watch, I must sell or donate that movie! Which means, by the end of all this I will be in possession of ZERO movies. It brings a tear to my eye to say that but they have to go.... With the money I earn, it will be put towards my college degree and the pursuit of my career. That which is Culinary Arts. So sit back, relax and get comfortable. It's time for me to watch........the Collection go out the door.

[phoenixisfromfrance]

SoMuchCoolerOnline

Who am I? Isn't that a question we ask ourselves with every decision we make, and everyday when we wake up? Unless you already solved the mystery of who I may be, I'm someone who wants to share of his adventures, new discoveries, and voice my opinion of some serious matters. I should ask you a question, "Who are you?" You sure do enjoy posting about Zac Efron and MGMT though. So from that I shall gather that you are extremely wise. You're my only follower so far, so I guess I shall try entertaining you with this Blog. Woot! Also, I have one more question for you. Solve this math equation if you can. Zac Efron + MGMT = ?

[phoenixisfromfrance]

How Much Cooler Is This Online?

I first opened this Tumblr account when I was inspired by one of my friends first Blog posts. "If you have a tumblr, you should follow me. If you don’t, you should definitely make one. They are the best therapy!" Well that was just a small portion of what she said. I've never told her that she gives some of the best advice. When I'm feeling down, just need some inspiration, or need to have a good laugh, she always has something. This begins a new adventure into darkness and emergence into light. I'll write about anything I feel, about adventures I go on, and random things that happen throughout my life.

[phoenixisfromfrance]

They Can Kill Me If They Want To...

Whenever I begin a new Blog, I always want the first post to symbolize what this is all going to be about. Right after I opened this account my internet disappeared for 5 days. During this time my friends and I had the worst 29 hours of our life. I mean nothing couldn't have made it better, or at least that what we first thought. Then I celebrated my closest friend's 21st birthday. So I just had really no time to think about how I wanted to start this Blog off. Then I realized that it doesn't matter how I start my Blog, but what I choose to write about. I mean who am I trying to impress, the ghosts of the internet? With a start like this, there isn't anyway to even understand what this Blog is going to be about. Take a chance and just click follow.