phoenixfalconbury03

[phoenixfalconbury03]

I also really am trying to get noticed for my writing. I definitely have a story foster care abuse my own demons.

[phoenixfalconbury03]

I wanna write a poetry book as memoir about my life

[phoenixfalconbury03]

I think too much

Yeah i guess i think too much

Yea yall right i think too much

Yea I think too much like a person playing chess who has to calculate their every move. A thousand miles a minute there is no speed limit. Smoking backwoods by the pound to keep my pain at bay. I'd rather shoot my brains out. Frankly I'm misunderstood. I come with intentions that are good but its never enough

Pain falls out my eyes on a daily Feeling like nothing can erase the hurt. The feeling of being alone and wanting to cry wanting to die why everyone always switchin switchin.

I think too much

Yeah i guess i think too much

Yea yall right i think too much

Ptsd pushing me against the wall i try to fight back but I guess I ain't strong.

And for everyone else's sake I play along.

I'm fine yea I'm OK God woke me up today.

I been screaming for help.

The silence is deafening.

Feeling hopeless.

I have flashbacks by day

Night terrors all night.

But it's my battle so I gotta fight.

Angry at the world so full of decrepit.

Wondering when the end I will meet.

Pain in my heart

Ice in my veins

Made me change.

I think too much

Yeah i guess i think too much

Yea yall right i think too much

Mercedes Falconbury Allbee

[phoenixfalconbury03]

Far from being okay,

I no longer feel okay,

I am just here.

Making less room in space

Feeling like I am fading fast

Tears seem to be my consistency

While I wear a mask

That smiles

Hoping nobody notices

The pain

Behind my eyes

As I take another drink

That will soon help bury me.

Light that blunt

Smoke my ashes when I'm gone.

It's been a week since I felt anything

Soothing to my soul

Instead I have the weight of an elephant

On my chest crushing my insides.

I am not okay

It's been awhile since I found

Life worth living

When in reality

It's only been a week.

Maybe I'm weak

Maybe I was foolish

To trust myself to be happy

It's all part of this wicked game

For the audience to watch me

Fall, as their pawn.

I just fall with grace

Especially on the days

I pretend to lie

To myself and others

As I take another needle out

Of the cupboard.

I justify it's only temporary

At this point

I am lost

On what I am explaining

If it's the needle

Or

The hallow numbness

Embracing me

With her melancholy.

I admit,

I haven't seen this side

Of pain in awhile

Someone yesterday told me

They miss my smile

As do I replied.

But I quickly fix my reply

But I'll be fine.

No one has to find out

That I'm dying inside.

So I write this down.

I just want to get it out.

Mercedes Falconbury Allbee

[phoenixfalconbury03]

Driving in the car is the worst part of my day remembering when I got that call

Yea I remember the day everything went gray.

I know everyone expects me to be ok.

I got my time

I had my space

But knowing I can't call your phone or see your face.

It's too much.

It kills me the only thing that heals me is that you are watching over our sons.

When I met you I felt like I had won.

You reached into me took my pain.

I trusted men again

Made me feel that I was ok even on my dark days.

You gave me peace just to take it away.

How can you give up.

Give me up?

You got locked up and forgot that I was holding it down.

I always figured you would come back around.

I couldn't go to your funeral.

Didn't want to remember you that way.

I didn't want to move on.

Then I met someone new and he reminded me of you he made me feel like I was breathing again. I love him I still do I hate the person I am without him I know I'm wrong but I try to forget him give him space let him forget I exist. I didn't deserve him. But I miss him. I want to hear his voice and to see his face give him a hug and remind him I want him and beg him to stay fall in love with me one more time. Ask him to let me stay the night again I don't wanna fall asleep alone without him. Dreaming about him everynight. It's not good enough. I am cold again and this needle in my arm don't help.

Mercedes Falconbury Allbee