phnwallflower

[phnwallflower]

AU REVOIR

"If we waited until we were ready, we’d be waiting for the rest of our lives.    – Unknown"

WAIT. WHAT?

I’m returning to my Project Development career next week, which is highly exciting and scary at the same time. Instead of the traditional “I quit my job to be happy” post, I wanted to do something different. Because the truth of the matter is, I didn’t quit my job to be happy. I was very happy. Despite being happy, I knew it was time to complete a chapter. It was a tough decision. But it was the right one. Hopefully.

This decision was tough since I love my work in **unnamed** because of the wonderful people (shoutout especially to my boss ) but the offer from another company is too tempting and I know my 50 year-old self might thank me for grabbing that opportunity. This decision-making situation generated some thoughts racing in my head and they were:

WTH am I thinking?  

This is too insane.  

I can’t do this.   

I’m so scared.

I don’t want to do this. 

I love my job already, so why leave?

I spent most of the time before telling my boss with taking deep breaths and practicing feeling the anxiety and fear instead of avoiding, resisting, or reacting to it. It didn’t really work that well, but at least I was trying. LOL. I had really deep thoughts about how short life is, too. I wanted to find my "ikigai" or purpose of being before it's too late.

To be sure with my tough decision, I reminded myself that the fear is coming from my primitive brain aka the cerebellum, and that I’ve thought this through many times without the fear and made the decision from my prefrontal cortex. So, while my brain is trying to protect me, I knew I didn’t need protection from my goals or my future, and it didn’t mean "don’t do it".

The day came where I need to tell my boss my decision. (Queue more anxiety)

It was heartbreaking for me since I genuinely love my job in **unnamed**! The early morning commute that day was the longest hours of my life. I was rehashing scenarios in my head, weighing the pros and cons of my decision. Then, when I get to hear my boss' words of wisdom about my decision, the anxiety left and it turned into straight adrenaline – like the kind you get right before you perform. The fear was suddenly gone. It felt like it was go-time, as good as done. He is so amazing. The next days had my other peers and other doctors knowing about my decision and I was so surprised to see their positive responses and it is not the type of false positivity. You can feel the sincerity. So receptive and supportive. They rock! I felt more relief since I am such an anxious and wimpy boy. LOL.

What was I so afraid of?!

This decision was emotional to me because I’ve never left somewhere from a place of being in my happiest before. I highly recommend working with the peeps of **unnamed**. One of the best things I’ve learned is to leave when you’re happy. Otherwise, you’re expecting happiness somewhere else and surely won’t find it. My brief stay in **unnamed** is so amazing. It felt surreal. This decision made me learn a lesson that my why now is not defined by the job I’m doing – it’s defined by who I am and how I want to serve the world. I want to believe I can do this through many different forms – first nurse, then Citylink, then ESL Teacher, then Content Writer, and now Project Development Officer. My why is now helping other people help themselves. I’m living my purpose and the way I do that is going to evolve and change over time – project managing, speaking, writing, etc.

 I’m not too good with goodbyes, farewell is hard to do. Especially if you will be saying goodbye to a wonderful safe place filled with equally wonderful people. Even when it is the right decision. But let me try to give a farewell message of some sorts.

To my boss, Doc Rodney! I am grateful for everything you've taught me these last few months. You deserve big thanks for making sure I am actively working and learning throughout my stay and because of this I have been able to learn more about what the real world of community mental health programs will be like. Being in your program was one of the highlights of my career. Whoever gets to be part of your unit will be so fortunate because you are such a great boss! Sorry also for leaving the program suddenly, I hope I can return and work with you someday.

I would also like to thank everyone who I have been working alongside of and those who have been so generous and helpful to make sure I am comfortable despite me being a newbie to the office.

Doc Agnes, No words can begin to express my 'heartfelt thanks' for your kindness and thoughtfulness all the time.

Doc Marianne, I genuinely wish to thank you for your kindness and, if I may say so, also for your affability as a person. I really learned a lot through our small talks too.

Doc Aphons, your insights and also your witty remarks never fails to give me a good laugh and also learn at the same time.

Doc Cruzada, Please know that it's impossible for me to convey my heart felt gratitude and thanks for your kindness and generosity. So – Thank You!

I would like to thank the people responsible to make me feel more accepted and for giving me the chance to be part of their fun circle.

Mam Vicky, your motherly approach to me every time is so comforting and your help in recovering my phone is deeply appreciated. See you around our hometown! :)

Mam Pau, our usual conversations about anything under the sun will be missed! I admire your determination in dieting. You can do it!

Sir Ey, thank you, next. Kidding! You always made sure that I can have a good time and help me whenever I am in need. I'll miss your jokes.

     “So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”    ―      Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower   

I’d like to consider my life right now to be under the “adulting phase” and hopefully I can survive! **unnamed** has been an amazing, life changing experience for me and I cannot wait to start my next chapter of life and integrate all I have learned from **unnamed** in my work and in life.