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Why You Need Financial Help During Divorce

With divorce likely being the single biggest event of your financial life, you need a team on your side who can effectively navigate you through every legal, financial, and tax landmine. To help you understand and take the important steps needed to protect your financial future and personal assets you should consider getting financial help during divorce.

Why You Need To Hire A CDFA®

A CDFA is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst®. They are specially trained to deal with finanical issues during divorces. So working with a CDFA during your divorce is like being the most powerful piece on the chess board–the Queen, but all too often couples underestimate the real value of their assets. If you or your spouse own a business, a house, have been investing in retirement and investment accounts, and so much more, hiring a CDFA is really in your best interest! We not only help you understand how to divide those assets fairly, but make sure that each receives exactly what they are entitled to.

What Can Financial Help Do For You?

With a CDFA at your side, you get more with our help than without. Not only are we a sounding board for your financial decisions, but furthermore, we can help you:

Determine the proper amount and duration of spousal support

Build a financial shield

Create a cost-benefit analysis

Protect your financial position to the highest degree possible

How Does A CDFA® Benefit You?

Putting it simply, a CDFA is a financial professional who can help you not only navigate the financial aspects of divorce, but thrive after the process.

While your attorney may be well versed in legal aspects and have a certain degree of financial knowledge when it comes to divorce, a CDFA is specifically trained to deal with the financial impacts and long-term implications that a divorce can create. A CDFA can also help you determine the cost of living as it relates to inflation and make darn sure that your assets are divided fair

We have seen too many women, who were owed so much more, get shortchanged when their divorce was finalized because they didn’t have the proper guidance. In addition to providing an overview of financial strategies and analysis, your CDFA will evaluate more specific issues such as exploring options for property division, negotiating alimony and maintenance, asking the right questions (to get the right answers) and holistically analyzing all the financial pieces.

With a CDFA at your side, you can feel confident knowing that you are getting the very best financial start possible post-divorce because you understand what you are entitled to and how to make sure you are getting it.

Financial Knowledge = Financial Confidence

No matter your marital status or financial situation, the adage “knowledge is power” rings true, especially when it comes to your finances. 

A solid understanding of your entire financial picture can give you the confidence you need to make strong financial decisions post-divorce and throughout the rest of your life. Finding a trusted CDFA, working with them to develop a financial strategy, and making a plan to learn more about finances are great first steps to thriving in your post-divorce life! 

While 57% of women say that divorce was a wake-up call for them from a financial standpoint, with a CDFA on your side, you can feel confident knowing that things can and WILL get better.

source https://www.dcomply.com/why-you-need-financial-help-during-divorce/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/06/why-you-need-financial-help-during.html

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Do You Have To Go To Court For A Divorce? Beware Of The Stranger In Black Robes

Most of us believe that the only way to get a fair result in divorce is to hire a lawyer and to go to court. But do you have to go to court for a divorce? Is there another easier, less expensive way to get a divorce?

I’ve been a divorce attorney and mediator for over twenty five years and I can guarantee that most of the time, you will reach a better, more long-lasting settlement in divorce and save your family thousands of dollars by keeping your family far from the courthouse.

Do You Have To Go To Court For A Divorce?

No, you don’t have to go to court for a divorce in the US.

There’s a common misperception that the only way forward is through court. And sometimes, court is the only way, but most of the time it’s not. 

The thing is, lawyers are not magicians who wave the magic wand on your behalf.  They are trained to advocate for your best interest, without regard to any long-term collateral damage that going to court may unintentionally thrust upon your family.  Every disagreement is food for fodder and fees.  Long term outcomes for you and your family are best reached when there’s a settlement in divorce, not when there’s war.  

Alternatives To Court

That’s why mediation is such a great avenue for most people. The reality is that so long as you have transparent and complete disclosure of your family’s financial picture, with the help of an experienced mediator, who serves as a neutral third party you can get divorced and spare your family a lot of time, drama and expense. Better yet, with the help of a mediator, you can reach an agreement that truly serves your family’s needs. The stranger in black robes is unlikely to pay attention to create a highly nuanced agreement incorporating such events such as “Taco-Tuesday” or “Pizza Friday.” With the help of a mediator bringing you to settlement in divorce, your agreement is much more likely to stand the test of time.   

Why You Should Avoid Going To Court For Your Divorce

When I worked for a Judge in New York City, he often said, “You don’t want this stranger in black robes deciding your life.”  He was right.  Here’s why:

1.There are limits to what the Judge hears:  Issues that may feel or even be important to you may be legally irrelevant, inadmissible or otherwise inappropriate for the courtroom.

2.Lot’s of details may be lost:  Judges are extremely overworked and time-pressed.  It’s highly likely that they may miss details of what matters to you and your family while they’re focusing on bigger picture issues.

3.Judges are Just People: Even if you are completely in the “right” on a particular issue, a judge may disagree with your perspective, may be in a bad mood that day or have a particular point of view about how things should be.  Remember, there’s no one objectively “right” outcome.

4. Court wastes time and money:  The average divorce costs $15,000-$20,000 per person.  Mediation is going to cost you a fraction of that expense. Once the terms of resolution are arrived at with a skilled mediator, you can use a DIY platform to file the required documents. 

While there is no silver bullet to make divorce perfect, it doesn’t have to be a mess.  You can keep your future and your family’s future in your own hands.  And Taco Tuesday in your dining room.

source https://www.dcomply.com/do-you-have-to-go-to-court-for-a-divorce-beware-of-the-stranger-in-black-robes/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/05/do-you-have-to-go-to-court-for-divorce.html

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6 Most Common Reasons For Divorce

There are plenty of reasons why people get divorced. understanding these reasons can be helpful in working your way out of a relationship’s rough patch or recognizing that it is time to move forward. There are a lot of common reasons for divorce and it’s important to remember there isn’t a  “right” or “wrong” decision.  So here are the 6 most common reasons for divorce to provide perspective.

6  Most Common Reasons For Divorce

Knowing that other people have struggled with the same issues can assure you that you’re not alone. Divorce has become more common in the last 50 years, with researchers estimating that divorce or permanent separation is the result of 40%-50% and 60% – 65% of second marriages. If you are planning for a divorce, you are not alone, and there are plenty of perfectly legitimate reasons to question whether your relationship is right for you. Here are eight common reasons for getting a divorce to provide perspective.

1. Your partner isn’t growing with you.

As you move through a journey of becoming the person you want to be, there is a very real possibility that your partner will not come along with you in the way you’d hoped. Maybe they grow in a different direction  or maybe they just stand still. If you’ve been married for a long time, it can be especially frustrating to see your partner stay stagnant, either  not making  effort to better themselves or not being open to explore new possibilities. 

Your partner’s stagnation may feel like it’s hampering your own blossoming which can impose stress on any relationship. When we grow and change into fuller human beings, we usually aren’t growing in the same shape or pattern as our partner, and sometimes that can put stress on the connection that you once had with each other.  Relationships can work through this but both partners have to be committed to work on adapting, accepting each other through change and be open to what new possibilities of growth looks like individually and in the relationship.

2. Your partner isn’t committed anymore

If you asked most people why couples divorce, you’d probably hear  infidelity or lack of commitment. Lack of commitment can take many forms, One is infidelity. Both physical and emotional affairs can destroy a marriage. When a partner deviates from the compact of monogamy, it can (although it is  possible) be hard to bounce back. It’s not just about the actual infidelity, but also the betrayal of trust and the commitment you thought you had in the relationship.  Relationships do bounce back from infidelity; however, it takes professional help and commitment to work through the reasons  for your partner’s transgression and take the necessary steps to rebuild trust.  

3. Financial infidelity

It isn’t the money that is the problem but the behaviors around finances that create a negative impact on a relationship. Disagreements about what you should and shouldn’t be spending money on happens, but the real betrayal comes from broken trust around a relationship’s finances.  When a partner is dishonest about how much money they have, what they’re doing with it or continues on a destructive path with a family’s finances without seeking help, that is a bigger red flag.  Over time, the  dishonesty can take its toll on the relationship which may not be recoverable.

4. You can’t agree on big life decisions

There are some major life decisions that can make a marriage really difficult if the two of you disagree. Maybe your partner really wants a baby, and you have no interest in child rearing. Or maybe you want to live in a nice, comfortable home near your family, and your partner is starting to resent you because he wants a life of more adventure. Compromise is an essential function of any good marriage, but there may be times when a relationship’s life vision simply does not align and one or both partners feel they are losing their sense of self by staying in the marriage.

5. Communication Break Down

Most of the common reasons for divorce that we’ve listed require open and honest communication in order to dig your relationship out of its hole. But if your communication continues to be  a problem with no flexibility on one or either side, that’s even tougher. No relationship is perfect, but the successful ones are able to work through their differences by talking about what the need, what boundaries need to be set, and what battles to pick.  When partners are no longer able to actively listen, understand each other’s position with empathy and invest the time to utilize the tools necessary to bridge the communication gap, the marriage may not be able to survive.

6. Domestic Abuse

If your partner is abusing you, you must  evaluate the relationship and get help. When there is a pattern of abuse, ending the marriage is healthiest and in the best interest of  all. Whether you’re being physically or emotionally abused, you deserve better. Be honest with yourself about how your marriage and your partner really make you feel about yourself.  If you are in an abusive relationship, you may want to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/.

What To Do If You’re Thinking About Divorce

There are a lot of common reasons why people get divorced, and it’s important to be transparent with yourself and look at whether you  honestly invested time to work through those problems before taking the plunge. Talk to your therapist, communicate with your partner, and you’ll be able to figure out what’s right for you. No matter what you choose, be honest with yourself and what you truly want, and what you deserve.

source https://www.dcomply.com/6-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/05/6-most-common-reasons-for-divorce.html

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5 Ways To Emotionally Recover From A Divorce

When you’re going through a divorce, you can find yourself deeply sad, fuming with anger or so overwhelmed that you feel on the brink of a breakdown. The intensity of emotions you experience during divorce can be exhausting. Powerful emotions can send our body into a state of fight, flight or freeze, which is probably not the best way to be when you have to make a number of life-changing decisions. So it is important to know how to emotionally recover from a divorce to benefit yourself and your children.

5 Ways To Emotionally Recover From A Divorce

Although being triggered into that survival state is a normal part of what happens during the grief and difficulty of divorce, there are strategies you can use to calm your body and mind and reset yourself to a place of peace and stability. Here are 5 ways you can manage strong emotions when going through divorce: 

Exercise

This doesn’t have to look like 45 minutes on a treadmill. The goal is to get it done. Punch the air. Turn up the music and dance. Run up and down the stairs. Studies show that keeping your heartrate up for 13 minutes is enough to get your body to release stress. 

Support

Connect with supportive friends and family. Join a divorce support group and surround yourself with supportive people. Use words with your friends to help them know how they can support you, like “I just need to vent for a few minutes, are you available to listen right now?’

Calm your body

 Take deep abdominal breaths – lay on your bed to practice getting the air down into your stomach and push your stomach out as you take a deep breath in. Drink a glass of water (the activity of swallowing is sometimes all you need to get the body out of fight mode). Take a hot bath. Cuddle up with a soft blanket or use a weighted blanket. All of these things can move your body from crisis mode to feeling safe.

Be a student of yourself

Know what makes you calm down, including reading, getting good sleep, or journaling. Sometimes we need to parent ourselves like we would parent a tired child. That’s okay. No one else is going to do that for you, so you need to take care of yourself.

Have FUN

One of the best things you can do for yourself during divorce is not to make everything about the divorce. Only allow yourself to think about the divorce for short periods of time and make sure to set aside time for FUN. Seek out a new hobby or take up one you previously loved. Make it a goal to relearn what feels fun.

Divorce And Emotions

Often in divorce we feel there’s no time for anything except dealing with the crisis at hand. But divorce is about the long game, not the battle of the moment. When you’re committed to taking time to calm your body and take care of yourself, you’ll be able to manage the strong emotions of divorce and you and your children will thrive.

To help protect your mental health after divorce, trying to understand your emotions is important. Read our guide to how divorce affects your mental health for more.

source https://www.dcomply.com/5-ways-to-emotionally-recover-from-a-divorce/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/05/5-ways-to-emotionally-recover-from.html

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It’s Good To Be Single: Divorce Flame Blazing

It’s good to be single. No, honestly being single isn’t a bad thing.

“Set yourself on fire and seek those who fan your flame”, one of my favorite Rumi quotes. It puts my marriage, divorce, and post-divorce relationships into perspective and reminds me to shut the door on people that do not deserve my light. Once I filed for divorce I set out to grab this feeling, unfortunately, there were more men throwing water on my flame than logs.

Embrace Being Single

This week I celebrated six years of being divorced and six years of being completely single. In the past, I would have hidden that I remained single for six years, but now I embrace it and use it as fuel for my business.

My business, Divorce Diaries, a one-woman comedy show that follows my post-divorce journey, specifically my dating mishaps, helps me process the rollercoaster ride that is dating after divorce. When I first got divorced I was eager, ready, and excited to fall in love. I hadn’t been intimate with anyone in two years and I was ready to be engulfed in someone’s adoration and chase. I was optimistic, to say the least. I started seeing a man I used to work with and got caught up in the excitement. I hadn’t dated in over ten years. I started to think he was the one. I ignored his refusal to take me on a date and only speak to me when it was convenient for him. After weeks of a sexually charged buildup, we had zero chemistry in the bedroom. I remember leaving his apartment stunned and thinking, “this is not going to be as easy as I thought”. Over the next six years, I would continue to date a rotating cast of men who all had the same character traits: unavailable and allergic to my commitment pheromones.

Break The Mould

I have dated cops, firefighters, teachers, public service workers, coaches, and bartenders, they all were eager to engage and eager to run when they heard me say, “what do you consider us?” They never admitted to anyone they were with me and would come up with some odd label, “we’re just chilling, relax”, a cop I used to date would say. We were never together.

There was a recurring theme to my dating life; friends with benefits, something I never wanted but always seemed to land in. I used to hide that I wanted a relationship with these men in fear that I would scare them away. After a year and a half affair with a man who was getting separated, I stopped. I realized me waiting around for them to change their mind was never going to happen and I needed to pivot drastically or my life will stay stuck. The constant relationship rejection made me question if I was desperate for love. After a year of reflection, quarantining from men, I came to the conclusion I am not desperate for love and never have been. I’m hungry for emotional intimacy that rocks my world. Apparently, this is a lot to ask for of many of the men I have been attracted to in the last six years. One thing I haven’t lost though; my eternal optimism. Why? My parents were married for forty-five years and were always the first to dance at weddings, parties, and family gatherings. They gave me the faith that someday that person will come along. As corny and cliché as it is, even if I am eighty-five and finally meet him. (God, please sooner than that).

It’s Good To Be Single

I took the rejection from dating and the loss from divorce and used comedy to help me heal, learn, and grow. I turned my pain and bumpy dating road into one of the favorite parts of my show and upcoming TV series, Divorce Diaries, the endless struggle of finding love. I am still challenged by releasing things that are not in my control, being patient, and accepting the timing of certain things. But the beauty of the struggle is that you find a way to process your journey that can help others. Maybe it’s writing a blog, a podcast, or a comedy show. Whatever it may be do not blame yourself, it’s not you, it really is them. Keep people around you that allow your flame to blaze and the rest will fall into place. The world is already cold enough for you to be in a cold relationship with someone who doesn’t embrace you. Shout out what you want from the rooftop, never hide it, or make an excuse for wanting love or a relationship like I did, and most importantly keep people around that help your flame blaze.

source https://www.dcomply.com/its-good-to-be-single-divorce-flame-blazing/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/04/its-good-to-be-single-divorce-flame.html

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Talking To An Ex Who Is Confrontational

As a divorce attorney, one of the most intractable problems that I see clients struggling with people talking to an ex. After a divorce or break up people struggle to manage their communications with an ex, especially if they are confrontational or not easy to talk to. If that is you, this guide on talking to your ex will help you to improve communication and make sure you keep yourself safe. 

How To Talk To An Ex

It is remarkable how consistent the issues are around these communications.  The names and faces of the people involved may change, but the behaviors do not.

I just got off the phone with a friend who needed some advice on dealing with an email that she had just received from her ex.  It wasn’t that this was an unusual email, it was just that she was exhausted from trying to deal with the ongoing flood of negative, nasty, and blaming emails and texts from him.  It felt like a full-time job just trying to keep up with the barrage.  This is such a common problem for divorced and separated couples.  For so many people, even after their divorce is final, the conflict can continue through that never-ending cycle of hostile communications.  It can make it hard to move on when you are daily dealing with the need to respond to the flood.

Talking To An Ex Who Is Confrontational

The good news is that there is help in the form of attorney and therapist, Bill Eddy and his BIFF Method of communication.  I have given out so many copies of the BIFF books to clients that I have lost count.  It truly can set you free.

What Is BIFF?

BIFF is an acronym, which stands for:

B:  Keep it BRIEF.  The more you say the more chance of perpetuating the conflict.

I:  Make it INFORMATIVE.  Stick to the facts and just the facts.

F:  Strike a FRIENDLY tone so as not to invite a hostile response.

F:  Be FIRM.  When possible bring the need to communicate on the issue to an end.

I know this sounds simple.  It is not, but with practice, it is transformative.  Bill Eddy  was recently my guest on The Divorce & Beyond Podcast and he shared some more helpful tips on his BIFF Method and the new version of the book, BIFF for Coparents which has sample scripts and real-life examples of how you can BIFF your communications.  Please take a listen if this would help you.

source https://www.dcomply.com/talking-to-an-ex-who-is-confrontational/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/04/talking-to-ex-who-is-confrontational.html

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Make Three Simple yet Powerful Financial Moves

Rhonda Noordyk, CDFA®

Let’s be honest, divorce can feel like you are staring at a chess board for the first time. What are the rules of the game? Who are the key players? Who has the power? 

Of all the pieces on the board, the queen is the most powerful, can move in any direction and is worth the most points. But what if she has the power, and doesn’t know she has the power? (let that sink in for a moment).

It is easy to look at the chess board of life and feel overwhelmed. How and when should you move? Sometimes you have to develop a simple strategy, breathe and move — one square at a time.

It is important to be strategic during your divorce process. And, it begins with three simple, yet powerful financial moves.

Move #1: Make a list of all your what if questions related to the finances. It is time to brain dump! This exercise helps to reduce stress by getting it all out of your head and onto paper (and the longer the list the better!). You can use this list as a checklist later to make sure you are getting all your questions answered.

What if I want/don’t want to keep the house?

What if I have to go back to work?

What if I need to pay for health insurance?

Who will pay for the kids’ variable expenses? 

What if ________________________________. (fill in the blank)

What if ________________________________. (fill in the blank)

Move #2: Don’t overlook the basics. One of the fundamental financial exercises is having a current and post-divorce budget. Having a budget isn’t sexy or glamorous, but it is an important part of divorce. More importantly, a budget helps provide answers to your what if questions listed above. Can you keep the house? How much can you afford for health insurance? Who will pay for the kids’ variable expenses? It provides clarity – and helps create good habits for your life after divorce.

Move #3: Be curious. When presented with spreadsheets, spreadsheets and more spreadsheets, it is not uncommon to feel overwhelmed. By being curious you are allowing yourself to have an open mind. This non-judgmental approach empowers you to stay calm, think clearly and ultimately make better decisions. Here is a simple strategy for processing financial data. The first steps are to ask questions and gather information. To keep your energy neutral, consider saying to yourself or out loud… hmmm, isn’t that interest?! Next analyze the data and ask clarifying questions (and repeat). 

So, it is time to grab your chess board. Place your chess piece on the board, breathe and begin to plan your next strategic financial moves. Checkmate!

source https://www.dcomply.com/make-three-simple-yet-powerful-financial-moves/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/04/make-three-simple-yet-powerful.html

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5 Tips For Dating After Divorce

If you have recently separated from your spouse, dating after divorce might seem like a daunting prospect. You might feel out of place, out of practice, and out of confidence. But everyone deserves that someone special so my advice as a dating coach of 20 years, is don’t avoid dating. Start dating after your divorce to overcome the fear and build your confidence back up. 

Dating After Your Divorce In 2021

If you have been married for a while or out of the dating scene for a while, you might find that it has moved on quite a bit from what you remember. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t embrace it. 

The whole world of swiping and texting might feel like whole new world. Back in the olden days, before we were married, we met people out in the world– by chance or through friends. Thinking about the actual part about meeting someone online, after being married for so many years, might feel intimidating, exciting, but mostly, straight-up terrifying. But dating after divorce doesn’t have to be terrifying. It can be a lot of fun.

How To Date Online After A Divorce

After separating from my husband of 18 years, and moving into my own place, it took me about 30 seconds to put up a dating profile. Ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. But I was eager to get out there! 

Talk Online

After putting up a meager profile at first, I matched with someone. We texted and talked for over a week before being able to go on an actual date. I felt relatively comfortable the few times we chatted on the phone. However, when I woke up the morning of the day of my first date, I was fraught with emotion. I paced around my apartment fretting about imaginary reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this. 

Don’t Make Excuses

I spent way too much time getting ready (and we were just meeting for coffee in the middle of a Saturday) and then tried to get out of it by making up a lame last-minute excuse. He saw right through it and called me and convinced me he was a good person who was in my shoes just six months before this. I hung up the phone having agreed that I would still meet him. I promptly called my best friend and told her how I had just lied to this poor man and there was no way I was getting myself out the door of my apartment. Luckily, she was able to talk me off the ledge and onto the subway to meet him. 

Just Be Yourself

Other than word vomiting through the first 15 minutes of the date, it went fairly well all things considered. I didn’t trip and fall. I didn’t spill my coffee on myself. And I didn’t get food on my face. We left one another on the street and I was uncertain whether I’d see him again. I just felt relieved to have ripped off the Bandaid of my first date with someone I met online. My date texted me later that day to tell me he enjoyed meeting me and asking if I wanted to go out again. I pulled it off. He actually wanted to see me again. I was crushing this dating thing!

Keep Your Online Dating Profile Updated

Over the next many months, I edited and reedited my dating profile a dozen times. It took me several virtual versions of an online profile before I felt I had one that conveyed the true me to potential dates. To my benefit, I was coming from the fashion and photography world so I know what looks good and what doesn’t look good in a photo and what to wear on a date. After some trial and error, I started attracting the right people for me, not just through my photos but my bio as well (contrary to popular belief, people do read them!). 

Persevere

A little over two years later, I met my partner of four years on Tinder. I am a true believer that online dating can and does work. With a great profile and some perseverance, it is possible to meet your perfect match online. And I created a business helping others present themselves in the world of online dating the best that they can. Through revamping your wardrobe, editing and helping select the best photos, writing a perfect attention-grabbing bio, and being your cheerleader through the initial stages of dating. 

5 Tips For Dating After Divorce

From working with hundreds of clients and seeing thousands of dating profiles, I can tell you my top 5 pieces of advice: 

Don’t believe in first date “chemistry” 

How many times have you heard a friend gush to you about how amazing the chemistry was on a first date… and the next time you see your friend and ask about it, they sheepishly say they never heard from the person again? It took me four dates before I realized there was anything but a friendship between me and my current partner. 

Don’t be a dating dabbler

When my single friends say things like I was “lucky” to have met my boyfriend online, it frustates me quite a lot. I wasn’t lucky, I was diligent! It happened because I went out on nearly one hundred dates, with all types of people, from all different careers and countries and backgrounds. I took breaks when I needed to but got back out there again and again. 

Don’t wait for other people to ask you out

This might take practice, but eventually you will get comfortable doing so. It took me a while to get there but the more confident I got, and the more experience with online dating I had, the easier it was. Many people are new to this just like you are and are just as nervous. Making the first move may be a relief to them!

Practice taking photos of yourself

Like other things about dating after divorce, you have to get comfortable with having your photo taken and maybe even taking some selfies. I had almost zero photos of myself without my ex or my kids. I had to remind myself to have friends take photos when we were out to dinner or even out for a hike. You will like some photos and hate others. But you will get better at it! Like mom always said, Practice makes perfect.

Have fun

Possibly my biggest piece of advice of all, is to not overthink online dating and enjoy your newfound freedom. Try to see dating as a way to connect with new people and find your youthful, fun side again.

source https://www.dcomply.com/5-tips-for-dating-after-divorce/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/04/5-tips-for-dating-after-divorce.html

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How To Choose A Divorce Lawyer With Greater Confidence

Your divorce requires you to make some of the most important decisions you will have to make in your lifetime. Knowing how to choose a divorce lawyer and making sure you have the best divorce lawyer is part of the stress of it. That is on top of feeling emotionally flooded, financially strapped, or both. 

So how do you choose a divorce lawyer? And what do you do if you need some extra advice?

How To Choose A Divorce Lawyer

In the US it’s likely that you will need to choose a divorce lawyer to help and support you with all the legal aspects of a divorce. You can do a DIY divorce, but people will usually run into legal issues and need to lawyer up. So let’s find out how to choose a divorce lawyer. 

Get People’s Opinions

Word of mouth can be helpful in choosing the right divorce lawyer. So if you have divorced friends or people in your support group, ask them who their divorce lawyer was. 

Choosing with a lawyer you know or has been recommened might make you feel better about plunking down the fifteen thousand dollar retainer. You’ve will have handled the unending pressure off to someone you are happy to trust, which should give you a great sense of relief.  

If you’re lucky and have chosen the right lawyer for you, you will feel held, comforted, and most importantly protected by your lawyer.  If however, you feel insecure or unsure of what is happening in your case, you have options. It may be time to get a second legal opinion or to speak with a strategic legal consultant.

Don’t Be Afraid To Get A Second Legal Opinion

Just because you get a second legal opinion does not mean that you necessarily will need to change lawyers.  You may just need to take a deep breath and a step back to figure out if everything is on track.  Often when people call me for a second legal opinion, it turns out that they just need to speak up a little more about a particular issue.  It’s quite commonplace to feel like you can’t speak up when you are with your divorce attorney.  After all, they’re the professional, you are the client.  You can count how many divorces you have been through on one hand, whereas they’ve been through hundreds or more. Their experience and your current state may leave you feeling insecure about asking certain questions. For instance, you may be sometimes your lawyer may rush through explaining something because it is so obvious to them they forget that each step needs to be broken down. 

Your lawyer may be great at their job, but not the right fit for you.  Too scary, too uptight, too argumentative, to breezy, too laid back. Just not your match. Fit is super important when you’re spending thousands of dollars and making the most important decisions in your lifetime. When you are emotionally cloudy, it can be very difficult to make the best decisions. Whatever your personality,  it’s important to hire a lawyer who is strong, straightforward, knowledgable and compassionate.  But, not everyone needs the same level of hand-holding.  Some people are more interested in facts and figures over compassion and empathy.  From my perspective, your lawyer should offer both so that you are both protected financially and emotionally from the ruin that divorce can bring.

Remember, you have to live with the aftermath of the divorce long after the ink is dry.  You need to be sure that your agreement is one that serves your family moving forward in the most positive way possible.  A bulldog lawyer is absolutely necessary in some cases, but in others, a more collaborative approach is more appropriate.  Trust your gut.  If your instinct is that you need to get a second legal opinion, go for it.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that you will fire your lawyer (don’t lawyer-hop too much, as it will not help you in your court case.)  It may be that you just need to gain perspective from a disinterested third party.  If you are getting a totally different story, you may have some serious decisions to make. With over twenty five years in practice in New York City and Massachusetts, I am well versed in the practical non-legal issues that will impact your case for years to come.

On the other hand, if your second legal opinion confirms what your present lawyer is telling you, then you may be all set. And yet, you may still feel insecure. Strategic legal consulting may be the perfect solution for you.

Strategic Legal Consulting

What do you do if you are generally happy with your lawyer overall but you wonder if certain things could be finessed a bit differently?  In that case, rather than a second legal opinion, I recommend (and offer) strategic legal consulting. Rather than hiring a garden variety “divorce coach” or you may wish to engage a strategic legal consultant. Strategic legal consulting is similar to coaching but the person has many years experience as a divorce attorney so they’re suited to strategize and also to interface to support you with your lawyer.

Strategic legal consulting, is essentially higher level coaching to get you through and move you beyond divorce. When I wrote Better Apart; The Radically Postive Way to Separate, the floodgates sprang open.  I received email upon email with people asking for help with their divorce.  These people were not looking to change lawyers, they just needed more understanding of the process, and more confidence. I was quite surprised to learn how in the dark clients often feel in their own divorce.  

What You Should Look For In A Lawyer

As a divorce lawyer myself, I know what my clients should expect from me. Good divorce lawyers will too. 

I work with my clients to ensure that their case stays on track.  Often I will be present (virtually) for the client’s meetings with counsel to help translate the legal jargon and to help them keep on track toward their ultimate goal of reaching a reasonable resolution. If you feel anxious or insecure during your divorce process, you are completely normal.  There are so many unknowns and getting your life sorted in a sensible way from the start (or in the middle) will serve you for years to come.

When you work with me as your strategic legal consultant, I guide you on how to make some of the toughest decisions that you will have to make in your divorce.  As this work is non-legal I am available to serve across the entire USA (and sometimes beyond.) I get involved in cases where extra support is necessary.  Some people only need an hour or two to be sure they are on track.  Others retain me for ongoing advice.  It truly depends on you and your situation. Your solution may be as simple as me translating legalese  for you.  Or suggesting that you implement the use of co-parenting apps, such as DComply and FAYR to keep your communication and co-payments streamlined. More often than not, strategic legal consulting is used throughout the process so that you can feel more confident and more secure through your divorce.  

I’m a huge believer in being pound wise. The extra cost of strategic legal consulting or getting a second legal opinion can spare you tons of aggravation and thousands of dollars later.  If you are feeling insecure about your decisions in your divorce rather than spending hundreds of hours of lost sleep and aggravating days, spend one hour clearing your mind and making better choices.

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5 Co Parenting Tips To Strengthen Your Parenting Foundation

Babita Spinelli, LP JD

Co-parenting can be one of the most difficult elements of divorce. If you are struggling, or need some extra advice, here are 5 co parenting tips from our parenting and relationships coach, Babita Spinelli.

Practically co parenting has its set of challenges trying to coordinate a family when two parents are living separate lives. Emotionally, it can be tough to watch your children go through this process while you are just trying to keep it together yourself. It’s safe to say that no one has completely mastered the art of co-parenting.  In fact, no one has mastered parenting in general. The adventure of co-parenting can be a rocky one, but here are a few tips to help strengthen your co-parenting foundation and make that journey smoother for you and your child. 

5 Co Parenting Tips

Show Yourself Self-Compassion and Self-Care

Lowering your expectations to raise your children perfectly is essential for every parent, especially those trying to navigate co-parenting. You won’t be perfect—you’ll make mistakes. But you can still be an excellent parent. There’s no right way to do this, and as long as you are keeping in mind that you are establishing what works for you, your child and your unique situation. 

Not every day will make you feel like mom or dad of the year. Such is the nature of parenting. On those tough days, show yourself some self-compassion.  It is understandable that this can be stressful, so remind yourself of this instead of being critical of yourself.   Successful co-parenting does start with you, and taking care of yourself. You can’t provide your kids with everything they need if you are depleted or not present with your individual needs. Taking some time throughout the day to check on yourself is essential to being present for your children. 

2. Trust yourself

Every parent second guesses their decisions, and this feeling is often more powerful as you are navigating the co-parenting space.  You are not always going to be on the same team when it comes to decisions for your children. Having confidence in your ability to communicate your why to your co-parent and setting healthy boundaries as needed could make those conversations easier or at least less anxiety provoking.

It’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others—even your ex. But every family looks different, so focus on what is healthy for you. When you are not sure about the best course for you and your co-parent, it is okay to ask for help or seek a professional resource who can guide you. You can also check in with how your child is feeling about a situation.  Is there something they really need from you or your ex that you both have been overlooking? Do they have a solution to a problem you and your ex have been arguing about? 

3. Remember there are lessons learned

There’s a difference between confidence and pride. It’s important to stand by your decisions, but your confidence in yourself doesn’t preclude you from growing and learning through the co-parenting journey. Not every decision you make is going to be perfect and you may learn a few things as you figure out how to make co-parenting as amicable as possible.  You can lean into where you land on decisions while also recognizing that there is room to learn and compromise when it is in the best interest of your children.

Approach parenting with a growth mindset. Take every experience with your kids—especially the negative and difficult ones—as an opportunity to do better next time. Focus on being a better parent each day, rather than on being a perfect parent in general. If you make a mistake, you can work through it.  Sometimes it will be messy and give yourself permission to figure it out without being critical of yourself.  You may not always have optimal open and cathartic conversations with your ex, but you can take accountability for your own growth. 

4. Communicate 

Freezing out your ex just isn’t going to work if you are going to try to co-parent. You are going to have to occasionally discuss your children —what they’re going through, what they’re doing, and how you should address it. Even things as small as what they’re eating for lunch can cause disputes amongst co-parents. The trick isn’t about never having differences although that would be ideal—it’s about learning how to communicate and productively resolve them.

Some divorces are pretty amicable, allowing for open lines of communication immediately. Others are more contentious, making this element much more difficult. Regardless, you and your ex don’t have to be best friends. But you will have to find ways to talk about the important things that concern your child. Coming into the co-parenting experience with the understanding that you are going to have to communicate will make that inevitable communication so much easier on you, your ex, and, most importantly, your child. It may mean leaning into the discomfort of uncomfortable feelings, but keep in mind you are trying to set a foundation for your child as best as possible.

5. Check in on the Defensive “creature”

No matter how open your communication with your ex is, you are bound to have some disagreements on matters. It will be a natural instinct to want to defend every decision or stance you take about your child. It’s not that you aren’t a good parent, it’s that conversations that involve defensiveness are usually very unproductive. These conversations aren’t always about proving you were right, but rather about figuring out how the two of you can work together to do what is in your child’s best interest and listening with an open-mind. 

For example, if your ex is upset with a decision you’ve made, check in if you are actively listening to their “why.”  Perhaps you may find when you take a step back that there is merit in their concern and you might understand where they are coming from before diving into your justifications. You may find that it resonates with you and validating their experience could create a healthier foundation between you and ultimately a more productive discussion on how you can both work together moving forward. 

Co Parenting Is Different For Everyone

We don’t talk about this enough—every parent is their own whole and complete person. Just because we have children doesn’t mean we become parenting robots. And when we’re going through something as difficult as divorce, it’s easy to lose perspective.  

At the end of the day co-parenting is a balancing test. You want to be confident in your ability to raise your own child, but you don’t want to get so defensive that communications break down between you and your ex. You want to be kind and caring to yourself, but you also need to be there for your child. No one said this is going to be easy, but if you can continue to invest in yourself, stay open to both communication and lessons learned you will feel more grounded in your co-parenting journey. 

About Our Parenting Coach, Babita

Our 5 Co Parenting Tips were written by Babita Spinelli, LP, JD,the CEO of Babita Spinelli Group and Opening the Doors Psychotherapy. 

She is a Psychotherapist, Certified Coach, Parent Coordinator, Collaborative Divorce Coach, Author and Speaker.  Babita works with individuals who are experiencing significant life transitions such as Divorce. Her specialties also included blended families, discernment counseling, high conflict divorce and narcissist abuse recovery. Babita is the recipient of the New York Psychotherapist Award and is frequently featured in the media as a relationship expert. Babita’s therapy, consulting and coaching services are global and provided virtually. Learn more about Babita on her website, Opening the Doors Psychotherapy and https://babitaspinelligroup.com.

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How Does Divorce Work? Where To Start With Divorce?

You or your spouse (or both of you) have decided to end your marriage. But how does divorce work? And Where do you start with divorce?

How Does Divorce Work?

Divorce is complicated and if you’ve never been through it before, it can be completely overwhelming. You might not be sure how divorce works or where to start. And there are so many things to think about.

Where am I going to live?

How am I going to support myself and my kids?

How are we going to share custody?

What is the process?

Are my kids going to be ok?

Plus, you have so many emotions like anger at your ex, sadness about the marriage being over, shame because you feel like you’ve failed, and fear that your children will struggle. When you’re emotional, it’s very difficult to think clearly, let alone make important decisions that will impact the rest of your and your children’s lives.

Where To Start With Divorce?

There are specific steps that you can take that will help you start with  divorce:

STEP 1

Hiring the right professionals is key to starting your divorce right. A divorce coach, a financial professional, an attorney and a therapist are some of the important professionals to consider hiring. These professionals can help you understand how to start your divorce and avoid making mistakes along the way. The advantage to hiring a divorce coach or therapist when you start your divorce is that they can help you think clearly and are typically significantly less expensive to work with than attorneys. After you’re thinking is clear and you have more information, you can decide what other professionals you’ll need to hire.

STEP 2

Many people think that the first step in the divorce process is filing a petition for divorce or a divorce complaint. Although the document formalizes the grounds for divorce and identifies the parties involved in the divorce, it isn’t necessarily the first step that you need to take if you and your spouse can work together and negotiate an agreement. Although this may sound difficult, only 5% of divorces actually go to trial so many couples are able to settle their divorce outside of court. The advantage of avoiding court (beside the fact that it is significantly less expensive) is that you are in control of your divorce. You and your spouse make all the decisions instead of a judge. 

There are many ways to negotiate an agreement without involving the court including coming to agreement completely on your own, hiring a mediator and hiring attorneys to negotiate your agreement. In mediation, you and your spouse hire an impartial trained professional to help you negotiate your disagreements. Mediation is a good option because It’s usually less expensive than working through attorneys. And you can still hire an attorney to advise you through the mediation process if you want to. 

What Do You Need to Negotiate?

The two main components of divorce that must be settled in divorce negotiations are the Parenting Agreement and the Financial Agreement. The Parenting Agreement includes who makes the legal decisions for the children, where they live and the details about when they’re with each parent. The Financial Agreement includes the distribution of marital assets, spousal support and child support. 

Support With Divorce

Hopefully, this information has helped to clarify how divorce works and where to start in your divorce. But there are so many more aspects to divorce that are important to know. You don’t have to do it alone. Below are some of the many resources for divorce:

How a divorce coach can help: A divorce coach educates you about the divorce process, focuses on the future and how to achieve your goals, helps you manage other professionals that you may need, helps you learn how to communicate with your spouse and build an effective co-parenting relationship and helps you develop strategies to deal with a difficult or high conflict ex.

The DComply app will offer you a fact driven approach to understanding your shared expenses and the role of child support and alimony. You can use it to log your expense sharing and record payments made to each other for the kids’ expenses.

The book, I’m Getting A Divorce, Now What? A guide to navigating your divorce with clarity so that you come out stronger helps you process the emotions of divorce, develop your self-confidence, understand your goals and priorities and create a plan for your future life for you and your children. To get the book: https://go.divorcecoachjill.com/divorcebook.

*This is a summary of the divorce process. It does not constitute legal or financial advice. Legal advice can only be obtained as a result of a personal consultation with an attorney. The information provided in this web page is believed to be accurate at the time but is subject to change and does not purport to be a statement of all relevant issues.

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The Benefits Of Divorce

If you’re thinking about divorce or going through a divorce it might seem all doom and gloom. But there are benefits to divorce. It can be an opportunity for you and your family.

Divorce Can Be An Opportunity

As a divorce professional for 30 years, and having been through the process myself, I know that many people feel that their divorce signifies failure and shame.  This is honestly one of the hardest things about being involved in the process day in and day out and one of the things that I believe we as a society need to change.  Divorce is not a failure!  There really are benefits of divorce.

The Benefits Of Divorce

To see the benefits of divorce for yourself, I invite you to consider that divorce is an opportunity.  It is a chance to reassess, regroup, reframe, restructure, and rebuild to create the life that you want.  We do not get that chance very often in life so grab ahold and embrace your shot at creating a new future.  A future that embraces who you are today, what you want from life and where you would like to go.  

This necessarily involves sitting down and assessing what you want your life to be as you enter that new future.  It can be scary and confusing.  One thing about being in a relationship, even one that was not working, is that your future is somewhat mapped out.  Now with a divorce, the future becomes much more malleable and therein lies the gift if you choose to see it.  

How To See The Benefits Of Divorce

Work Out What You Want

Sit down and truly think about what you want for yourself and your children as you go forward.  Is it time for new places, new people, new careers?  You have choices where before they may have been limited by the bounds of the relationship.  There may still be some parameters that you need to take into consideration, but you have a great deal more freedom to make your wishes and your wishes alone a priority.

Set Your Goals

Have you wanted to take your career in a new direction or start a new one altogether?  Perhaps you have wanted to live in a different style home, or in a different place which you can now explore.  Take a moment and put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and just let your mind go wild for a moment.  It doesn’t have to take shape all at one time, but it will be freeing and perhaps a little exciting to imagine the possibilities ahead.

Carefully Consider Your Settlement 

The divorce process can be difficult and seem all-consuming at times, but the future is out there waiting for you.  It will be even better if you take some time to think about it while you move through the divorce and negotiate a settlement that helps you achieve your new goals.  For example, if going back to school to finish a degree or update a training is a desire, perhaps you negotiate for more support up front to help fund your educational needs or a parenting plan that takes your adjusted schedule into account.  There is so much that you can do to help yourself if you know where you want to go.

The Benefits From My Divorce

When I sat down to name my podcast, I very purposefully called it The Divorce & BEYOND Podcast, because I always encourage my listeners to look to the time beyond their divorce – to that new future.  The podcast is intended to give you information and advice on getting through the divorce itself, and also on living your best BEYOND life after. 

 If you are looking for resources, inspiration and more, from me and my friends and experts, please join us on Mondays at 6am ET when new episodes drop.  You can also get more support and resources by joining the Divorce & Beyond Members Only Community.  Members receive exclusive podcast episodes, videos, downloadable forms and checklist and access to the “Ask Susan Anything” Forum.  

Come join us and get started on your BEYOND!

source https://www.dcomply.com/the-benefits-of-divorce/ source https://dcomply.blogspot.com/2021/03/the-benefits-of-divorce.html

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New Year’s Resolutions For Single Parents

If you want to know 10 New Year’s Resolutions for single parents, we’ll outline everything right here. You’ll learn some excellent resolutions to apply to your life as a single mom or dad.

The post New Year’s Resolutions For Single Parents appeared first on DComply | Co-Parenting App.

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Can Divorce Be A Good Thing

Are you wondering, can divorce be a good thing? You are not the only person asking this very serious question. Read more in this post!

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Divorce Mistakes To Avoid

If you were wondering about 10 divorce mistakes to avoid, this post will explain everything. Here, we will give you a list that will inform you of what not to do during your divorce.

The post Divorce Mistakes To Avoid appeared first on DComply | Co-Parenting App.

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Protecting Your Mental Health Through Divorce

How To Protect Your Mental Health Through Divorce Making your way through the divorce process has many challenges for a person. Both physically and mentally, a divorce can be exhausting. It is no wonder so many people have mental health issues during and after going through a divorce. In this article, we will discuss how […]

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21 Crucial Tips To Stay Sane During Divorce

21 Ways To Keep Your Sanity During A Divorce For better or worse, marriage creates an identity and a type of stability over time. This isn’t to say marriage is healthy when these attributes are present. It does mean that over time we become comfortable and accustomed to the relationship even if it is toxic.  […]

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