petalbypetalmyself

[petalbypetalmyself]

January 3rd, 2025 | Everyday goals & broader goals

Brush teeth after each meal

Read first thing in the morning

Short walk/movement to get up

No (more) smoking in 2025

Respect my hunger and fullness cues

These are 5 simple goals I can achieve every day in 2025.

Now broader goals:

Study for public examinations

Read Plato's Republic, Phaedrus, Parmenides and Philebus

Read Proust 3-7

Stop overeating

Be closer to my family

Workout to feel good

Get my driver's license

Get B1 French

[petalbypetalmyself]

Prepping for the New Year Days 2 & 3 & 4

This morning I completed this "My Protocol Workbook" worksheet from Best Body. And since I want to make things/things to feel easier to/for myself, this is all the Best Body work I was required to do.

So,

[X] Best Body work

Check.

Though it's amazing for me to see the three points above the Hunger and Fullness. When it's breakfast time, or lunch time, or dinner time, or even snacking time which is more vague, I start feeling anxious. But I must remember I prefer to honor these cues rather than meal times.

Day 2 of My Protocol was to be a Food snob.

Day 3 was tracking calories.

Food snobbism is not something I'm good at. I used to be. But now I am out of touch. I used to never eat sweets but now I do. The only thing I don't like is pastries, meats, ice cream...

Calories remain the same.

Another thing that's been bugging me is how unmotivated I feel to work out. (I think it showed, since I'm always switching programs and was content with none.)

So I posed this question. I am continuing FB Fit R1, but I am so tired these days I believe I should focus on resting. Which includes resting my eyes from screen time and cutting my coffee intake. I was at 3x cups per day. My goal now is to only have coffee with my partner and once a day. Sleeping is trickier for me but if I manage to reduce screen time I also reduce stress.

This was about my loop thought of "I'm never going to lose this weight, so what does it matter." But more importantly, I got really coached yesterday.

Jen thought, and I agree, even if it's a big shift in thinking, that I should only focus on overeating, because weight loss would come afterwards. I have been overwhelmed and overeating for the past 4 years and I believe that because I have been so stressed and my life, changing so drastically, I've been distracting myself with food, TV shows, when I should've been more aware, present and accepting of these life changes, which come with adulthood naturally, i. e., it's something everyone goes through at some point.

On another note, I know I think I do myself a favour by eating "cheat meals" and "cheat foods" frequently, as in "I deserve this." But I deserve to feel good about myself above all, above everything else. And eating these foods will solve nothing.

So, plan of action:

Reduce coffee

Reduce screen time

Sleep more

Work out, even if I don't feel like it, because it makes me feel better

Witness urges and get to a 100 witnessed urges to which I don't react by going at food

[petalbypetalmyself]

Prepping for the New Year Day 1

Almost for the last five years, i. e., since Lockdown 2020 era, I have been trying to lose 2-3 kg of fat OR drop a size (I used to fit in a EU34 and now I am a [tight] EU36). But almost for the last twenty years (I'm 25) I have been suffering from eating disorders (both restricting and binging) and horrible body image. What's changed from the teenage version of myself who only ate 400 kcals and only did HIIT workouts to burn 420 calories with this workout (I only finished the whole 90 minute workout once during this time, the only time I binged when I was at my lowest weight, and tried to do it twice, in tears, exhausted, ashamed) is that I used to effectively not eat when I was restricting, while now I have this restricting mentality (re: foods, calories), but find it impossible to abide by it. It's easier to binge. Yup. When I "recovered" in 2015, I gained all the weight back, and more, but most unfortunately, I also gained an enemy. Binge eating hasn't left me for 10 years. There was a period, however, when I had it more or less under control via artificial means (smoking). It was by this time that I also fell in love, thus something else, beside smoking, was distracting me from food—the bliss that comes from courtship and first love.

So, anyway. I actually lost weight during this period. Then, the pandemic came, and I gained these three kilogrammes that bother me so much. Went from 89 cm hips to 92 cm hips, and gained some fat in my arms and back, although most of it went to my butt and thighs.

It's silly, when I look at it this way. But it bothers me so much. I believe it is because hating myself in this way distracts me from everything that isn't doing well in my life (work, studies, friendships, family, eating disorders), which is funny because food acts in the same way, it's a coping mechanism.

Well. I am fatter. But I'm not obese. I only gained 3 kg. And somewhere down these new layers, there's this person I once loved very much, my 2019 version who loved so much and thought so uncharacteristically high of herself.

However. I have gotten so attached to this person, it's difficult to become who I am. And that's both clog up my work—both the work on myself and work as in jobs and studies. I have gotten so attached to this earlier skinnier version of myself, who was in essence someone more inexperienced, naïve, who had less on her back, who was in a way grieving the loss of her grandfather without realising—in any case, someone I've outgrown (except for the grieving part—not a day goes by that I don't think of my grandparents).

Sure, I have also outgrown my clothing size. But that can be temporary or, in any case, I can make myself look better, even if I no longer can look like Audrey Hepburn, I can strive to be honest, elegant, grateful, caring, cheerful, while I work on my weight loss.

The most important thing I miss about being skinnier, weighing less is feeling lighter and quick.

So this has to be my #1 go-to thought, my Why, or whatever they call it these days.

Fact. I was 56.2 kg Friday morning.

Thought 1. Regardless of the weight on the scale, I can (make and) follow my own plan.

Thought 2. I take care of myself at all costs (even when it means to be uncomfortable for 90 seconds).

Thought 3. I make feeling lighter a priority.

Feeling for Thought 1. Purposeful and understanding.

Feeling for Thought 2. Gentle, and purposeful.

Feeling for Thought 3. Lighter.

Action. I always leave two bites behind. I prioritize greens. I breathe deeply before and after each bite. I take Best Body seriously and join calls and listen and work on mindset. I don't let meal schedules, portions and holiday foods to stress me out because I follow my Hunger and Fullness cues.

Result. Overtime, even if it's three months from now, I lose weight.

More tomorrow.