pesoama

[pesoama]

guilt. i feel a lot of guilt wanting to close the gap of privacy between us. im so tempted to just go through it and find every little hidden conversation, check to make sure you are telling the truth. the need to know is so strong but not as strong as the guilt that follows this need. you see, i KNOW what is true but i can't help but feel in the polar opposite. as if everything i know might be a lie and yet it might not be. and i know that checking without you present will only add fire to the flame. it will only cause a divide that we're trying to close. it'll only make me have to question more and more and likely start a cycle that may not be able to close. it could become an addiction that i may never beat. i would love to not have these feelings of shame and guilt. i would much rather not have to question and be so vigilant of everything thats done or said. i know what you mean when you say "we talked about..." i know who we consist of and it's what adds this feeling. how else would you know that artist was in the area on that day. i knew but i knew because of my algorithm. i know it's not on yours. i know that they would know and they mentioned it. i just dont know why you still chose to be there. why do you still think it's okay. how can you justify still having them around. dont you know i hate them. i hate everyone thats connected to him. that i wish i could take his life by my hands. if it was an option i would do it without thinking. then at least his death will erase him. it would mean that you cant talk to him. it would mean that those around him would disperse. it's what happens. in weak groups, when something happens to one, the others slowly disconnect and disengage with one another. and i want that for them. i hope they all go to hell. and soon.

[pesoama]

things we did this year

dive bar for the first time

official hot pot

first bowling date

Frankies bday date

pollo campero

big antique place

top golf for the first time

rock n roll sushi

apartment tours/search

first time swimming since surgery

krissy birthday party

emo nite

furniture search date- ikea

culvers

first home grocery list

rode bikes at 3 different parks so you can practice

Asheville play+ odditorium

first fight

[pesoama]

i will always love you. i love you now, then, and forever. the trouble i am having is that i want us to get past this and im growing impatient. im starting to understand that my current disconnect with my emotions towards you only really exists because i am still questioning if i am making the right decision. a lot of self reflection. more than i would do intentionally. the trouble with too much self reflection is that it can take you further from the truth. further from the answer you are needing from within. so here i am; getting it out so that i dont have to do it in my head but on 'paper'. i've decided to no longer continue this self reflection in the same way, i will continue to reflect on my actions, emotions, and how to better secure them. the better i secure and understand myself through this the better i will be able to understand what i am looking for for myself.

[pesoama]

i love you. i love you in a way that i have never thought i would ever love another person. truth is-- is that before we met, i gave up. i gave up on living, on loving and on being. i gave up what happiness felt like. i gave up on ever knowing what being loved was. i gave up on what feeling loved was like. i hate to admit it, but i pushed whiskers away every time she tried to come close. i really denied her affection because i didnt think i was worth the time.

i have never really known what unconditional love meant until we met. i really never thought i would ever get to experience it.

a few more things you may not know. the reason why i "know so much" it's just a way for me to be able to control the narrative. the conversation. you see, i was deemed an unreliable narrator of my own life and experiences. from such an early age, i was told that what i had believed to be true, was actually not true, that sometimes i still question if what i am experiencing is real. that when i would say one thing its validity would be questioned in such a way that i would stop believing it happened. even if i knew it did. from there the power of just knowing things got easier. that the power of knowing the life, facts, and experiences of other things helped me regain what that is like. even if it's only for a split second. it's why i am such a "know it all". it's because, even though I may not "know it all" i do plan to know just enough to know what is true so that it cant be questioned in a way that it's seen as a lie. as untruthful. as dishonest.

[pesoama]

i want to go to you. i dont want to not feel for you. i want to be wrapped in your warmth and kindness. i want so much to go back to a year ago. we were so happy. looking forward to what was ahead of us; not know what we were in for. last year feels like a distant memory-- one that we will never be able to recreate. one that i am longing to feel for again. to live through just one more time. if redo's existed i would wish to go back to the day you found out your uncle died. i would ask more questions more often rather than take "Nothing, i just need time" as a simple way of accepting. "what do you need from me?" "What can I do for you?" "Lets go do something, keep your mind busy" "How can I be there for you?". I should have done a better job at ensuring you know i am always here for you, but instead I failed. I allowed us to continue like nothing had changed; like you also didn't go through what i did. we became each other's family. Somehow we forgot that. in us forgetting that we forgot how to be together; what it meant to be open, loving, honest, and understanding to each other and ourselves. we lost who we were because we forgot how to show it. how could we remember? we stopped showing up in ways we are supposed to. i stopped by not setting what was comfortable and you stopped by not taking into account of actions being made.

i cant wait to speak of good things about you again. i want to be with you for all of the things youve done right. this one wrong thing should not define our next steps but it should be a wake up call that this last year has not worked in ways we needed. the work it will take be hard long road. but i refuse to allow this be our end. i want our beginning to start and soon.

[pesoama]

it's so hard to trust you. i hate that i feel the need to check your posts all the time. i hate how i just want to go through your phone just to see if you're still talking to him. truth is, i dont think you ever stopped talking to him. i dont think he is even blocked. something tells me you're just waiting for the right time to tell me youre "going out" with some friends but really you're meeting him. seeing him. talking to him. touching him.

my biggest fear is that you dont see me the way you used to. the things you say give it away. wrong pronouns at the last party we went to, not using neutral terms when talking about my body parts, tell me to dress up like a lesbian, or to take advise from them when it comes to dressing, using words you've never used before. like ma and pinche like it's new and fun and exciting. like ive been to calm for you just say youre bored and need someone to bring back chaos. that i dont stress you out enough, that im too good that im nice that i do too much to help. just tell me to go to hell and bye. just be honest.

my biggest fear was that you were going to go back to your old life and here we are, seeing you go back to your old life. i guess i should have listened and worried about my trachea more.

[pesoama]

im sorry for not being honest with my feelings in the beginning. im sorry for not telling you how i hate being late to everything we plan, even if there is not set time that would deem us "late to the hike" or too anything for that matter. i guess, what i am trying to say if that im sorry for never coming forward with my true feelings when something was making me uncomfortable or upset. the truth is, i hate it when we make plans and we never meet them. i hate how long it took us to go to brunch after i had asked for almost a year, and that when we did.. it was the last hour of them serving and most of the menu was gone. i hate that when i say i want to leave by 2 we dont leave until closer to 3. i hate that when i ask you to be ready and at my place by 4 you're late when you came but not ready. still needing to take 30 minutes to finish getting ready that should have been done. and then you get annoyed when i would say "when you get up" because then there is no time for me to have to be disappointed by. i have no reason to be upset because, technically, we weren't. technically we made it on time, because it was when you woke up. it was when i had requested. made it easier. made it simpler.

i should have been honest. it made it to where i would put my ideas on the back burner because "they were too early" and we'd never make it. i want to do so many things with you, so many new memories that i come up with when the sun is finally greeting us. i want breakfast with you on the island. on the stools that we haven't used together yet. i want a nice drink on the patio.. while the sun is still reheating this side of the earth. while the sun is still wanting to say hello.

im sorry that i was never honest with you when it came to what i needed from you but now that it means the world to me is when i will ask for it the most. when i will look for it the most. so, dont say you promise when you know you will not keep it. just do it without telling me, because,, telling me just sets me up for further heart ache. more heartbreak. more sadness. more disappointment. i just love you. but i need you to just love me back.

[pesoama]

i dont think you realize how deeply you hurt me, infidelity aside. putting that away; youve hurt me in so many ways that it's getting harder to not think horrible things when youre not around. our sunglasses moment on our last "big" date all you did was call me stupid. and that i looked stupid that i am stupid that im being stupid. stupid was never a word we used towards each other and this time it was like rapid fire of knives being used against me. like it was so stupid i was being me. i know you dont like the sun glasses. i know you know that i won't wear them or buy them. but you just got angry at me for being me. because i wasnt him. you were comparing us again and i felt it. i dont care that you dont like the glasses. i barely like the glasses. i think theyre goofy and i cant pull them off. but you didnt have to be so harsh that day. you didnt have to stoop so low that all i can remember are the stupid sunglasses.

now we dont approach sunglasses. now we walk past them like theyre forbidden fruit.

[pesoama]

I dont think you like me. and if you do you have a funny way of showing it. the issue that im having is that no matter how many times i ask you to show up you just wont. or cant? I keep seeing the same actions over and over and over and over and there is nothing I can do but wonder "am i over thinking this" "am i looking too much" "am i just expecting it that thats all im seeing" and that comment about the over. im not stupid. that panic. the silence afterwards, almost like you told yourself that maybe being quiet was the best way to avoid upsetting whatever little peace we have. the peace we used to have was everything. it was home. now i feel like im with a stranger. who doesn't know what to do with me anymore because they forgot. they just.... stopped caring. or at least forgot how to.

I dont know whats better. a roller coaster of emotions or feeling nothing. and i mean nothing. the little jump i used to get when you would reach out now feels like a forced habit. like when a smoker keeps lighting a cigarette even though they no longer want to smoke, stopping is much harder. it's more work. a change in daily routine, outlook, plans, and social interactions.

what hurts the most is knowing that he's missed everyday. it's almost like you're still waiting for a text. and what im so afraid of is that you cant trust yourself so much that you gave me your schedule even after i never asked for it. the vape. the damn vape. i want to throw it away so bad. i want to break it. destroy it. for it to never exist. of all brands, types, it HAD to be that one. it just had to. just another reminder that i cant trust you. is he even blocked? how often do you think of him?

i dont think you like me.

[pesoama]

you dont see me as masc anymore. and it shows. the words you use to describe me. you may not misgender me yet youve managed too do so with your actions. you dont see me that way you used to. you dont see me.

[pesoama]

green grass

i love you. yet you decided that you were going to hurt me anyway. i know that with love and relationships getting hurt will happen, rough patches will happen. but you had the choice. and you made it. you chose to cheat. chose to spend your time, energy, and attention on someone else all the while i kept telling you "it doesn't feel like you like me anymore". and your timing? impeccable. really drove it all in right when we moved in together. right as we were taking the steps to be together forever. right when....i had it all figured out. i never thought you could do this to me, or to anyone. but you did. you pulled away with so much ease it was almost like you never really did. like this was a 3 year lie. a sham. a mistake. trusting you and loving you felt so easy. i was so ready to go through rough times with you. looking forward to them even. but not this. not you wanting someone else and not being able to tell me you still want me, just that you're "confused". how can you be confused? you say you want to live with me, say you love me but cant say that you want to be with me? how? how can you do this? how can you cause so much disruption and pain and yet i still long for when you come home. for when you come closer to me at night and put your arm around me. yet here i am, sick to my stomach wondering why you would ever do this, why would you ever want to put us through this. because the truth is, you wanted this. you wanted him. not me. you wanted to go to someone else. you wanted something new. exciting. no commitment. nothing. you made your choices and yet i still love you. i still want you. i dont want to live this life without you but you chose someone else so quickly. so easily.

how? why? i just love you because i love you. this is the hardest feeling to accept. to accept that you would allow a bunch of young and dumb group of people that you dont even respect disrespect this relationship. us. me. you. us. you allowed it. you let them take you away and i want them gone. they condoned your actions and only told you what you wanted them to hear and yet still tell me that they dont really mean that much to you? how can i belive that. how can i be okay with you losing your self respect and allowing this to take away the biggest step we've ever taken. allowing this to take up so much space that i dont know what to do. i want to be with you yet it's so hard. you haven't kept your promises this year. and you yet here we are.