perpetuallyaggressive-blog

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In 6th grade, I got a demerit for reading ahead in the book we were reading as a class and if that doesn’t describe the American education system I don’t know what does.

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An actual thing an actual breathing, voting human being just said to me.

I was talking (flirting) with a guy and we were discussing exercise. He works out a ton and was suggesting I work out with him.

I laughed, pictured how I look after .3 seconds of running, and was like “I can’t even bench the bar.”

TO WHICH HE RESPONDED (brace yourself)

“Can’t you just bounce it off your boobs?”

And my bowels fell right out of my anus. Because I honestly couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. The longer I stared at him, the more I realized that he was absolutely serious. DEAR GOD.

So, I was like, “Can you bounce shit off the fat in your ass cheeks?”

Because I could not fathom how anyone could be so stupid and have made it through puberty. Like doesn’t natural selection weed these kinds of neanderthals out? 

OH BUT IT GETS BETTER. Fuckboy fired back. “You have a hell of a lot more volume in your chest than my butt does.”

THAT’S. NOT. HOW. IT. WORKS. I know I’ve said this before, God, but now I am absolutely certain that you are not real.

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me: *meets someone new*

in my head: *slot machine rolling what kind of personality i should present to this one*

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Toe cancer

Yesterday morning I woke up and my toe hurt really really bad. I was really confused and like conflicted about what was wrong. At first I thought I had toe cancer because there was no reason why my toe should be acting like such a traitor and also WebMD said so. Then I thought I had gout but honestly gout sounds like something a 70 year old woman named Helen would have and I’m not there yet. I don’t have enough cats. 

So I went to the doctor. He said I sprained it sometime in the last two days. I have literally been sitting on my couch eating pasta and watching the Jurassic Park series for the past two days so like how did this happen?

I’m still a little convinced I have toe cancer. I’d be like that kid on the fault in our stars except no one loves me. 

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Nutella Sex is bomb as fuck apparently

Today my coworker walked up to me and was just like “I had nutella sex last night. Nutella was everywhere.”

and I’m not sure how that happens??? Like I’m confused did she

-Have sex with a nutella bottle

-Have a threesome with a nutella bottle and another person

-Have sex USING nutella as like lube or something

or

-Have sex using nutella to like make her vagina taste better when her girlfriend was eating her out??? 

Send help. I need an explanation

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Could porn blogs stop following me because you’re affecting what layer of hell I’m going to and honestly I was pretty content with layer 5

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I fucked up because of who I am as a person

Went to an aquarium and was listening to this little 7 year old pubic hair repeatedly telling his brother that “sharks are more scared of us than they are of them.” Now something you should know about me is that I’m borderline obsessed with sharks and this little dingus was in the way of me and the blasted shark exhibit. After the 8th time of hearing this little bitch scream this (very wrong) statement at the top of his bastard lungs, I said “shut the fuck up, Billy” without realizing that fuck is an inappropriate word to use in front of children. Everyone stopped. Everyone stared. I never got a chance to look at the shark exhibit because all the moms were glaring at me pretty hardcore. It was worth it though. Billy needed to learn his place.

Welcome to the real world, you inconsiderate fuck.

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Went to the beach and religiously applied sun lotion every 40 minutes. Somehow I still ended up looking like the fucking Kool-Aid Man when I left. Honestly at this point I’ve given up on my hopes and dreams of being tan and happy. Instead, I am a pleasant mix of white as fuck and red as the devil’s asshole and I think that’s beautiful

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I’m flawless

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I think the best example of how pathetic I was in middle school was the time that I told everyone I had an internet boyfriend even though I didn’t have an internet boyfriend because literally no one on club penguin wanted to be my internet boyfriend.

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When you're an adult and you see advertisements for new episodes of "SpongeBob" and "The Fairly Odd Parents"

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Macaulay Culkin Just Revealed What Kevin McCallister Is Actually Like Today - Full video