peroxidesoakedrag

[peroxidesoakedrag]

feels tmi to say plainly but fuck it. i don't think i'll masturbate anymore

used to do it because it helped regulate myself and improve my mood, sure as hell isn't doing either of those things, partly because the idea of getting caught doing it by my shitty and vaguely puritanical family sounds horrible but i think partly because. i don't fucking know. it doesn't seem to feel as good or whatever

so... no good enough reason to do it, won't do it. done. decided

[peroxidesoakedrag]

oh wow im a bit over 2 months cold turkey on cutting self harm

haven't put a knife to me in two months

realizing that makes me want to cut myself a lot though. the siren song of the blood seeping out of me

so the next while will either break the streak or be really difficult

maybe if i just daydream a really violent gory story i'll feed the beast and it'll leave me be

but also that means it'll come back

hmm.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

you know maybe i didnt realize i do feel attraction for a longish time because any sort of contradiction with reality and i am no longer hard. one single "okay but sex smells, they can't get away with this" and boom. i am no longer in it. i am the master of making shit unsexy

it is so difficult to bear this cross of autism

also i havent been posting here because i've been working out my shit, ish. not that my friend seems to see it this way considering my attempts to apologize when i slip and say something shitty are met with "no dude it's fine let that shit out". if i didnt value our friendship i'd start asking if he has some sort of complex to be happy to get yelled at

i don't think it's linear. i still most days feel the push and pull. usually because i miss going on vc with friends even though just remembering the parts that made me leave sears my skin until i cry

like, i decided to talk to a friend i just sorta drifted apart from, and my anxiety levels are unreasonable. i have to remind myself that no, they probably didn't think that sucked so much they have to ghost me. they don't seem particularly unhappy to talk during the conversation and i'm very prone to assuming the worst, meaning it's fucking fine, calm down

but it gets harder to say i'm overreacting now that i left, and then anyone only cared to actually bother to ask me to come back and idfk be a friend at all once they needed me for something because that's just all i apparently ever was. useful. like, yeah they kinda checked in but asking if i'm okay with no real followup even though i'm clearly not fine and literally only one person even bothering out of a SERVER of people? and then someone being way too fucking mean for a situation and never even trying to at least say "hey that mightve been too harsh!"? like. all this together is hardly convincing if you want me to believe they cared about me, even if i know i'm not an easy friend to care for, not even trying to apologize is mean. not even trying to check why i left is mean. hell not even realizing i was gone at all is so mean. coincidentally leaving the rpg right as i come back is inexplicably mean.

i hate thinking about this but i want to not be alone so much i almost want to go back even though i can't at this point, and even if i could, even IF, by now i don't think i believe any of them even wanted me around.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

hate it when the things making me frustrated at my friend are small in the grand scheme

like it's not actually a big deal that he uses ai on stuff sometimes. i'm not that willing to fight him on it. but it frustrates me even though i know it isn't worth it

it's probably a bigger deal that he doesn't really work in accordance with the stuff we pre decided but i also don't know how to fix it, and can't say i'm that much better?

i'm better at it just because i love strict instructions and guidelines. but. it feels so frustrating to have to fix things i deliberately ran by him

it bothers me more BECAUSE i give a fuck about him and being a good friend. even though i really don't know what i'm doing and just hope he can at least tell i'm trying

there's just a lot of smaller disagreements i struggle with because they're substantial to me even if they're tiny but because they're small i struggle with telling him about them

[peroxidesoakedrag]

well lmao i ended up leaving the server for good because people were mean to me out of nowhere twice

i miss it, i think

but when i remember how i kept not being paid attention to, how everybody seemed to just forget me, how the second i came back people wanted me to leave enough to be assholes to me, it hurts so bad i want to cry

and yeah i know maybe i'm misunderstanding it but it's not like any of them care enough to ask me what's going on anyway. not beyond motherfucking "how are you doing" "i'm fine." "that's great!" which is fucking insulting

in any case. unhappy about how that went. but i don't think i actually want to go back beyond wanting to talk to a human being on the weekend

i dreamed i married my friend platonically. it was nice. it was like something we did to ensure we stay together despite everything. wore a dress without feeling dysphoric, too. i'd never do that, really. i less enjoy wearing suits more than i hate wearing a dress? i still like suits. but part of me feels like all i want to be is a boy who's comfortable being feminine

it was nice. i felt loved. my dad wasn't there. it was a little game-ish and weird like my good dreams always are. but when i woke up i had to hug a plushie tighter for a little bit

also wanted to grate my finger yesterday. i'm not sure if the thought is there and attractive because of lack of sleep. i do like blood, after all

i didn't, for the record

[peroxidesoakedrag]

noticing something. because i want to be fair and objective.

the timeframe for things is arguably short

like. one week of nobody noticing i was gone. two weeks after that of nobody noticing i straight up left the server

......no that looks incriminating anyway

i just don't want to be unfair or think negatively of other people

though. to be honest. not noticing i was gone is entirely neutral. i've disappeared plenty before. maybe everybody just decided it wasn't worth bothering me for

.....that's still incriminating, isn't it.

it's hard to drop because it feels a bit mean to already rarely pay attention to what i'm saying if i'm not already in the conversation, and then not even TRY to talk after i disappear for a month aside from the most noncommittal check-in i've ever seen. my fucking mother does better

i already have to basically beg for validation all the time, it'd be nice to, i don't fucking know, be noticed at all

i guess i did have my own reasons. they were right, there. but the reason why everybody dances around it looks pretty clear to me considering all that

i really just am not important enough to check in on properly until i'm useful, i guess

i really am just too much trouble to deal with

and i forget that because my friend bothers to try, always bothers to try anyway, even though i'm way too much to deal with

i forget that most people would rather not have to do that

maybe i should just leave, honestly. just leave the campaign and leave entirely. instead of constantly twisting the knife

[peroxidesoakedrag]

the exact person i have a difficult relationship with happened to decide to leave the rpg right as i come back

so it's my fault

great

honestly i just left because i reckoned it didn't matter either way, and it didn't, but i forgot they'd miss the tank

[peroxidesoakedrag]

back in the server

not by choice honestly

i did play the only tank in the party, and when the dm offered to make a whole server for the rpg i went back because it's gonna be horribly uncomfortable anyway and it's gonna look worse if i go in firmly saying i don't want to go back

kind of stung to see that indeed nobody cared i left when i looked at the date planning, but i'm only there to be the tank anyway and i already was deeply aware nobody cared i left

....i'm not gonna look at anything else so i don't have to twist the knife even more

i mean, i still have feelings even though i was expecting this, i'm already having to take some deep breaths to stay calm about this

i'm not gonna make it worse than it is for me

[peroxidesoakedrag]

oh right also i think my friend is trying to platonically progress our relationship because he's been doing shit he has never done

first putting his hand on my back comfortingly

secondly the time i very clearly was already paying attention and he still poked me

thirdly he suggested that we go out to that one place with the nice snacks

i don't see any of this as flirting since he's aroace. like. friends go eat together and touch each other. i am however terrible at closeness so it's exhilarating but also scary as fuck and my brain is still on 'oh no friends aren't supposed to like each other' mode from a childhood full of friends who wanted to get away from me

i'm letting time flow on. see where this all goes. it is basically the one nice thing going on i didn't create with my own hands. but i do hope that i've 'laid enough hints' that i am in fact aware and fine with him being aroace, and my weirdness from never having had somebody truly care about me doesn't turn him off

like i could use a hug. don't care if it's platonic or not. i'd just like a hug. and i'd be happy if i went out with somebody somewhere and had fun. so

if i ever do end up dating i know i'd want the person gone if they couldn't handle me having a close friend anyway, too, that's not even a factor. if he wants me to not have friends or thinks i love the cats more than him he should remember i've had those things way fucking longer than him? who the fuck does he think he is???? like a wise man once said, you cannot expect to be on the top of the list because you sucked my dick

i feel the need to repeat it every time because it's a complicated feeling and i reasonably know the things i'm repeating but emotionally want to explode into gore. i need the reminders to stay sane

[peroxidesoakedrag]

yeah my initial assumption that the cuts weren't deep enough were wrong. quite wrong

haven't eaten today because i don't care more about my body than i want to explode these people with my mind

maybe watching these food videos is a dumb idea considering that, really

but i also am really curious whether you can make those sweet treats using cubed bacon

[peroxidesoakedrag]

resetting my days since because i want to scar something and make my mom realize she's being a dick to someone who doesn't want to wake up in the morning

i just don't care beyond feeling something and making people stop making my life worse

but that means my heart isn't in it so these cuts are terrible

[peroxidesoakedrag]

by now i'm pretty damn sure nobody gave a shit i left, considering even beyond nobody trying to talk, in the brief time before i left people were constantly saying stuff that showed nobody even remembered the thing i've said. plus someone did try to check in but they were completely ignoring that i left the server and they didn't even bother after i lied and said i'm fine, it was a formality at best. so i'm not coming back. anyway.

1-unfortunately i met a man my type. happens. at this point i just shove it down. it's not worth it

2-hoping my professor was not in fact saying i should kill myself. came across that way. but i do tend to read between the lines a lot. thanks, it's the trauma.

3-my friend put his hand on my back when he was trying to get my attention. considering i was doing fucking horribly, there's a non zero chance i looked so pathetic he decided to try and comfort me slightly by doing that. might've been a coincidence. but it did make me decide my underlying anger for how he never told me what his ideas for OUR work were, could wait.

i hope that once i get a job and my own place we're still friends. i want to be a better friend. i'm a horrible friend. i barely know why he sticks around

[peroxidesoakedrag]

left the discord group on a whim. i half want to go back but i'm not feeling like having that awkward ass conversation. so. nah. nobody even noticed i've been gone anyway, and i ghost constantly. if someone asks i'll probably lie and say college made me busy and stressy. it's kind of a poor lie, but people tend to not bother anyway

i think the hardest proof i've ever had that masturbating works to cull the instincts is that i haven't felt the urge to vividly daydream about men kissing (understatement for comedy) in months, and then after the latest round sucking ass i suddenly have that capacity again

i'm wondering if it's more awkward to do it before or after tomorrow. like i do have to do it, this is out of control. but. i have a thing tomorrow

i guess since i'm sleeping late anyway. just. speedrun it

[peroxidesoakedrag]

latest round scarred, i think. also i'm still weird about that one guy but that's expected, i'm weird about all human beings. just need to pray he doesnt enter vc with me ever again or something

mad because my mother seemingly just admitted my father is a huge creep and that affirms my odc levels of trauma reaction

had to really work to keep that off my mind since i now have. the masturbation schedule. sounds stupid but it's actually helping to do it regularly and my mental health is in such shambles anything that helps should be revered

i'll survive. i've survived too much to not survive that. i survived the suicide hotline closing five minutes after i was in the cliff, i'm unkillable. but still, whatever i can do that lets me stabilize even the tiniest bit is important

[peroxidesoakedrag]

guess what i liked a guy's voice and my attempt to stay normal about it led to me going the entire other way and suspecting them way more during the game

i know im not acexual because none of em would have this struggle

motherfucker didn't even have a remarkable voice. i'm just weird about voices

[peroxidesoakedrag]

forgot i already touched on taking up masturbating

well that's great i can just skip into the point

maybe i should try thinking about bleeding while i'm at it. just to see if it makes it go faster or slower. i'm already wondering if it's actually that or if the thrill and adrenaline rush just looks a lot like that

also i solved the laying down issue by just sitting in a position that mimics it. have not looked back since

trying really hard to find some coping mechanisms because i really want to at least know what helps, so in my next relapse i do that instead of making my arm be half red

painting gets really close, i'll give you that

[peroxidesoakedrag]

what do you do when you're attracted to a guy from a reality series about security people.