peroxidesoakedrag - Tumblr blog

[peroxidesoakedrag]

latest round scarred, i think. also i'm still weird about that one guy but that's expected, i'm weird about all human beings. just need to pray he doesnt enter vc with me ever again or something

mad because my mother seemingly just admitted my father is a huge creep and that affirms my odc levels of trauma reaction

had to really work to keep that off my mind since i now have. the masturbation schedule. sounds stupid but it's actually helping to do it regularly and my mental health is in such shambles anything that helps should be revered

i'll survive. i've survived too much to not survive that. i survived the suicide hotline closing five minutes after i was in the cliff, i'm unkillable. but still, whatever i can do that lets me stabilize even the tiniest bit is important

[peroxidesoakedrag]

guess what i liked a guy's voice and my attempt to stay normal about it led to me going the entire other way and suspecting them way more during the game

i know im not acexual because none of em would have this struggle

motherfucker didn't even have a remarkable voice. i'm just weird about voices

[peroxidesoakedrag]

forgot i already touched on taking up masturbating

well that's great i can just skip into the point

maybe i should try thinking about bleeding while i'm at it. just to see if it makes it go faster or slower. i'm already wondering if it's actually that or if the thrill and adrenaline rush just looks a lot like that

also i solved the laying down issue by just sitting in a position that mimics it. have not looked back since

trying really hard to find some coping mechanisms because i really want to at least know what helps, so in my next relapse i do that instead of making my arm be half red

painting gets really close, i'll give you that

[peroxidesoakedrag]

what do you do when you're attracted to a guy from a reality series about security people.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

haven't been here a while. so. summary

got worse, cut myself so much it's definitely gonna scar, can see my spiral coming from a mile away, started masturbating more actively to try and help with the general horniness and ennui

point is:one thing i've noticed is that no matter how dry my throat is, i still often want to pee after doing it

and i got a sort of quiet laugh when, in a night where i masturbated twice and slept late over it, my friend said he got up to pee three times despite not having drank water that soon before sleep

like, the two main options are that either that joking guess is right (none of my business) or wrong (i laugh at what it looked like, i move on)

on a sidenote, i think i have to figure out what's pleasurable and what isn't. i think doing it lying down is far superior to sitting. which is a bit unfortunate as i share a room, so i just bite my mouth's inside and move subtly since it's only an issue when the roommate knows what you're doing

like, i'm already going to hell. i'm just aiming to not make people around me hope i go to hell sooner where i can

i hide fucking everything anyway, gotta at least hide something i enjoy for once. instead of the world's worst game of genga

the cuts do concern me. i've never gone so deep. i've been nursing them, best i can. but i've never cut this deeply. one of them seems to have torn from skin. i suppose having the scar will be a good reminder to stop hoping things'll get better without taking it with my own hands

i think i've rested enough, the days after. tomorrow i think i ought to go back into the deep-end. i did formulate a game plan. i need to at least figure out how to get my foot in the door already

my sibling's brutality when dealing with me in that state was irresponsible. they truly don't seem to believe it was, though. backhanded apologies at best. but, well. we all know how much we'll talk once i'm unshackled. not at all, is how much. i'm tired of them thinking treating me poorly will ever get my favor

i ought to find some outlet for this anger. don't know what, though. at most, i'm thinking painting could help. usually helps

my friend likes my paintings. that made me happy, honestly. i sort of wish he'd tell me more about what makes him happy. but he seems to like our current setup well enough, even if it's rather one-sided. in the end, i'd accept anything that makes us both happy.

i do try to encourage him when he goes off on his tangents. i may not know why he likes my company, but as long as i'm alive and he enjoys my company, i'll do whatever i can to keep it this way. i need him in my life too badly. the second he wasn't around, i spiraled and cut my arm into pieces. if he was entirely gone.... well, not a thought i like having.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

back at the part of the cycle where the person who can't get along with me isn't getting along with me and no one is specifically paying attention and i'm not seeing my friend today so i don't have any support

and to boot, my father's been worse than usual

well, i already know what to do. silence for a few days, no one's really gonna care, come back once i either feel ready or am too lonely to care about the mistreatment

and probably plunge myself into both my work and my art or writing, too. it's what i can do when i feel a bit horrible

[peroxidesoakedrag]

saw some cute guys today. i'd never approach, i'm just really bad at talking and don't look attractive enough to compensate, really

but i did like sneaking a glance or two

one turned out to be my sibling's friend, though, which made me both more interested and more antsy. like it being possible is exhilarating but i also understand i really shouldn't do that

i think the way i feel about my friend stabilized as a sort of "if you don't have even a sliver of a crush on your friends do you even like them" thing. like. we're close. of course something would grow there. and i'm not particularly bad at accepting reality when it's not that much of a loss. like. oh nooo i'm gonna stay a virgin. it's sort of nothing

sometimes it comes back a bit but overall it settled down into just. someone i value a lot. a love that isn't specifically anything. doesn't need the platonic romantic separation. he's my closest friend and i'm happy we met

[peroxidesoakedrag]

i am trying really hard to stay stable but seeing that yeah i can just disappear from the group chat and no one will care, even worse, when i do say anything the conversation fucking dies, while the person who consistently made me feel like shit gets no sort of flack...

i might give it another day and straight up ghost, i'm really starting to become unable to convince myself to stay beyond "no give it another day you might regret it" the second to third day in a row

like, this is a running issue, i keep getting chided by that exact same person, and no one seems to notice or care about it, drowning while no one notices gets a bit tiring

all i can do is say i'll give it another day and then, if i really can't think of anything, make good on that bet and leave, because i can't fight it forever and i know that

i mean, when my fucking solution becomes "stay because the people who don't get included in shit either like you a lot". ugh

maybe i'll just avoid them. entirely. all we fucking do is fight, anyway. i'm not convinced they don't hate me. just talk to the people who do appreciate my being there, ignore everyone else

[peroxidesoakedrag]

yep. that same thing caused tension again. i just didn't want it to be a big deal but i know he knows it was an issue, he's perceptive

this right as i can't still fully shake off my feelings. he said my hair was nice as is. and now i don't want to cut it. barely managed to trim it. ugh

some sick part of me is hoping i misunderstood, or he didn’t know himself as well as he thought, because dealing with this and knowing i have to deal with it because he's literally incapable of reciprocating is torture

well. i happen to be going out tomorrow. and i'm gonna be looking sharp for once. putting in real effort. i'll be the hottest vaguely butch guy in my state. if i repeat it enough it'll be true or at least feel true

[peroxidesoakedrag]

maybe i ought to thank my friend. for staying even when i'm not acting reasonable. i don't know whether he doesn't even notice or if he's just vaguely aware i have a lot going on and if he waits for me to get past it i'll be nice and conversational again. though

i dunno. just thinking. because i tend to run first, think later. just what happens when your life trains you to assume people will just leave you behind the second you're too much to deal with. you start running first.

and i keep reading stories that center around broken people getting genuine love and not knowing how to deal with it. i've already recognized it's because that's what i want. but that makes it a little heartbreaking, like i'm torturing myself because i like the pain

i don't know. the one thing i feel like i'm certain of is that i don't want this to just end after college. i'm already completely broken when it comes to romance, i only even attempted a hello because five people coaxed me, if this ends too i might just become completely alone in all ways because it doesn't feel worth it. i don't feel like it's worth it to bare myself completely just to lose everything later

i'm scared of losing sight of the fact that he's the one person who's ever legitimately stopped and tried to understand me, and be patient even when i'm acting strange. i'm scared i'll lose sight of that and leave him behind because i'm, above all other things, scared of being left behind, enough to set everything on fire and let the flames lick me before i even consider letting people go on with their lives

the idea that i'm not particularly special to him is terrifying. i used to extend that to romance, but now i see it for what it was. i'm just scared of being left behind again, and have an ingrained feeling that friendship isn't as solid and unmoving as committed romance

that's probably bullshit, honestly. romantic relationships go wrong every day. fucking somebody doesn't magically make them less likely to leave you than any other convenience you can provide

but yeah. i do want the little fairytale romance where you get swept off your feet by someone willing to just fucking stay and try with you. and i do want sex at some point.

i'm just scared i'll lose sight of what i have and sabotage myself trying to get any of that. because i never feel like anything i have is truly mine anyway.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

i see i'm a no give only throw kind of man now

i still find it regretful that my friends managed to coax me because i'm simply that unwilling to get dates now

purely out of anxiety and fear and what ifs

and i'd be happier to just think of him only in the dark when i'm feeling needier

it feels silly to become this disillusioned

sidenote, how do i explain to my college friend that there's things i didn't mind because i had a crush on him, but now that i hot over it and know he isn’t interested he ought to stop because that stuff was maladaptive anyway

like, he insists on blocking my way when he's talking to me. i used to find that hot but now it's so annoying. but how the hell do i say this

i guess some directness is fine. who knows how much stays fine. maybe just up to "i had a crush on you before" and "i made sure i got over it over the few months since"

or just say it bothers me and not detail it unless he decides to ask

.....i'm thinking of texting the cute guy. i sort of subconsciously know i'm sabotaging. talking to him was nice. it's not even like i don't have a chance, him giving me his number with his name and getting mine after he stared at my pins implies he's at least curious

i won't get my hopes too high this time

[peroxidesoakedrag]

ughhhh i am aimlessly mad because i said a guy was cute and then the whole chat went WELL GO TALK TO HIM HIT HIM UP ASK HIM OUT

and i was happy during the day but now it won't LEAVE MY HEAD. i'm over here gay panicking constantly. now he won't leave my head. i'm so much more comfortable keeping it an admiration from afar but now i have his name, number, and classes

i know this makes it sound like i hate being happy but i saw him stare at my bag pins. what did he connect. it clearly got his interest if he's giving me his name with his number and choosing to talk to me longer after i sort of couldn't think of what to say

i HATE feeling like this. it's uncomfortable. i need it to stop. i'm giving him a letter telling him to get out of my college

okay, no i'm not. i'm probably instead finding an excuse to hit him up tomorrow. he's clearly interested. no fucking clue what caught his eye, which bothers me. i don't like surprises, i don't like uncertainty, i aimlessly hate my friends for hyping me up to talk to him, but i know if i said this to them they'd find it either hilarious or cute. maybe concerning

[peroxidesoakedrag]

something about the guy who i know has been greeting me but i'm always wearing headphones so i never manage much out

who thought i was mad at him

i clarified that and he went "oh so it's not me it's ignoring everyone"

i almost felt pity when i said "yes"

it's not his fault i've currently been despising existence

[peroxidesoakedrag]

still kinda hate how i'm just stuck with people

my mom does shitty things, has zero interest in apologizing or learning from her mistakes if we don't start crying

my sibling pretty much subtly outed me, after i didn't trust them with that information because i knew they'd do that

my friend did something deeply stupid

i consistently feel completely ignored in the group chat when i'm not answering other people's things, like i'm some jester who dances for them but doesn't get to be a human being by themselves. the spark that made me blow up was when i started talking about something and got shot down, repeatedly, with no one even noticing i was frustrated

but all i have is this

so i end up letting my anger towards my mom and my sibling fall to the back of my head, i end up going back to talking to my friend, and all i've managed is to willingly take a few days off of the chat

i don't even think i'm crazy for being angry, i have been trying so hard to IGNORE shit. but it’s not easy to do that when it starts really looking like no one in my life both cares about me and isn't kinda shit simultaneously

like, i'm willing to ignore a LOT. directly because i've got nothing. but it really starts feeling like people think i'm either a huge bother or a doormat

well, after tomorrow i'll go right back to being everyone's pet clown anyway. always just a day or two of staying mad so people don't get too comfortable hurting me, before i fall into place because i'm stuck in this role

at least with the chat and with my friend i feel like if i could finally find a way to communicate properly it'd be fixable. i've given up on my family a long, long time ago

unfortunately i've had it beaten into me that talking about my problems will only create more problems, so i'm pretty much physically unable to do so in any way that isn't looking for a fight that might at least give me enough catharsis to feel less like garbage

maybe once i'm out, i guess. i can try to relearn it. hopefully.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

my sibling basically outed me to my mom but not fully down to me being a guy. and my mom is my mom, so i was already pissed at her for separate reasons.

so i've been feeling alone again.

it just sucks because at some point i grew used to it, before him. i knew how to exist alone. i preferred it. but now it just feels like i scream into the void. like i'm in a horrible house where all i can talk to are inanimate objects, and the doors and windows are boarded shut.

probably why i ended up caving and deciding i couldn't try to ignore him anymore. at least his biggest crime is being an idiot instead of a legit jackass.

i'll try to get some sleep. it's probably the only time i cherish being alone. maybe because i keep so many plushies in my bed. it feels like i'm being watched, but at least i'm not alone.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

so.... that cut from the day before yesterday... has not healed even a little yet...

like- it's almost fresh. i'm panicking a bit. it's enthralling but it's terrifying.

i'll have to be more careful where i do it, too. i had to wear long pants over this since i chose my damn calf for some reason

[peroxidesoakedrag]

ended up deciding to find a middle ground. i don't ice him out too much, i text him normally, but still do some level of avoidance

i suppose that's fine. bad idea all around, but i'll just... cope.