peroxidesoakedrag

[peroxidesoakedrag]

well lmao i ended up leaving the server for good because people were mean to me out of nowhere twice

i miss it, i think

but when i remember how i kept not being paid attention to, how everybody seemed to just forget me, how the second i came back people wanted me to leave enough to be assholes to me, it hurts so bad i want to cry

and yeah i know maybe i'm misunderstanding it but it's not like any of them care enough to ask me what's going on anyway. not beyond motherfucking "how are you doing" "i'm fine." "that's great!" which is fucking insulting

in any case. unhappy about how that went. but i don't think i actually want to go back beyond wanting to talk to a human being on the weekend

i dreamed i married my friend platonically. it was nice. it was like something we did to ensure we stay together despite everything. wore a dress without feeling dysphoric, too. i'd never do that, really. i less enjoy wearing suits more than i hate wearing a dress? i still like suits. but part of me feels like all i want to be is a boy who's comfortable being feminine

it was nice. i felt loved. my dad wasn't there. it was a little game-ish and weird like my good dreams always are. but when i woke up i had to hug a plushie tighter for a little bit

also wanted to grate my finger yesterday. i'm not sure if the thought is there and attractive because of lack of sleep. i do like blood, after all

i didn't, for the record

[peroxidesoakedrag]

noticing something. because i want to be fair and objective.

the timeframe for things is arguably short

like. one week of nobody noticing i was gone. two weeks after that of nobody noticing i straight up left the server

......no that looks incriminating anyway

i just don't want to be unfair or think negatively of other people

though. to be honest. not noticing i was gone is entirely neutral. i've disappeared plenty before. maybe everybody just decided it wasn't worth bothering me for

.....that's still incriminating, isn't it.

it's hard to drop because it feels a bit mean to already rarely pay attention to what i'm saying if i'm not already in the conversation, and then not even TRY to talk after i disappear for a month aside from the most noncommittal check-in i've ever seen. my fucking mother does better

i already have to basically beg for validation all the time, it'd be nice to, i don't fucking know, be noticed at all

i guess i did have my own reasons. they were right, there. but the reason why everybody dances around it looks pretty clear to me considering all that

i really just am not important enough to check in on properly until i'm useful, i guess

i really am just too much trouble to deal with

and i forget that because my friend bothers to try, always bothers to try anyway, even though i'm way too much to deal with

i forget that most people would rather not have to do that

maybe i should just leave, honestly. just leave the campaign and leave entirely. instead of constantly twisting the knife

[peroxidesoakedrag]

the exact person i have a difficult relationship with happened to decide to leave the rpg right as i come back

so it's my fault

great

honestly i just left because i reckoned it didn't matter either way, and it didn't, but i forgot they'd miss the tank

[peroxidesoakedrag]

back in the server

not by choice honestly

i did play the only tank in the party, and when the dm offered to make a whole server for the rpg i went back because it's gonna be horribly uncomfortable anyway and it's gonna look worse if i go in firmly saying i don't want to go back

kind of stung to see that indeed nobody cared i left when i looked at the date planning, but i'm only there to be the tank anyway and i already was deeply aware nobody cared i left

....i'm not gonna look at anything else so i don't have to twist the knife even more

i mean, i still have feelings even though i was expecting this, i'm already having to take some deep breaths to stay calm about this

i'm not gonna make it worse than it is for me

[peroxidesoakedrag]

oh right also i think my friend is trying to platonically progress our relationship because he's been doing shit he has never done

first putting his hand on my back comfortingly

secondly the time i very clearly was already paying attention and he still poked me

thirdly he suggested that we go out to that one place with the nice snacks

i don't see any of this as flirting since he's aroace. like. friends go eat together and touch each other. i am however terrible at closeness so it's exhilarating but also scary as fuck and my brain is still on 'oh no friends aren't supposed to like each other' mode from a childhood full of friends who wanted to get away from me

i'm letting time flow on. see where this all goes. it is basically the one nice thing going on i didn't create with my own hands. but i do hope that i've 'laid enough hints' that i am in fact aware and fine with him being aroace, and my weirdness from never having had somebody truly care about me doesn't turn him off

like i could use a hug. don't care if it's platonic or not. i'd just like a hug. and i'd be happy if i went out with somebody somewhere and had fun. so

if i ever do end up dating i know i'd want the person gone if they couldn't handle me having a close friend anyway, too, that's not even a factor. if he wants me to not have friends or thinks i love the cats more than him he should remember i've had those things way fucking longer than him? who the fuck does he think he is???? like a wise man once said, you cannot expect to be on the top of the list because you sucked my dick

i feel the need to repeat it every time because it's a complicated feeling and i reasonably know the things i'm repeating but emotionally want to explode into gore. i need the reminders to stay sane

[peroxidesoakedrag]

yeah my initial assumption that the cuts weren't deep enough were wrong. quite wrong

haven't eaten today because i don't care more about my body than i want to explode these people with my mind

maybe watching these food videos is a dumb idea considering that, really

but i also am really curious whether you can make those sweet treats using cubed bacon

[peroxidesoakedrag]

resetting my days since because i want to scar something and make my mom realize she's being a dick to someone who doesn't want to wake up in the morning

i just don't care beyond feeling something and making people stop making my life worse

but that means my heart isn't in it so these cuts are terrible

[peroxidesoakedrag]

by now i'm pretty damn sure nobody gave a shit i left, considering even beyond nobody trying to talk, in the brief time before i left people were constantly saying stuff that showed nobody even remembered the thing i've said. plus someone did try to check in but they were completely ignoring that i left the server and they didn't even bother after i lied and said i'm fine, it was a formality at best. so i'm not coming back. anyway.

1-unfortunately i met a man my type. happens. at this point i just shove it down. it's not worth it

2-hoping my professor was not in fact saying i should kill myself. came across that way. but i do tend to read between the lines a lot. thanks, it's the trauma.

3-my friend put his hand on my back when he was trying to get my attention. considering i was doing fucking horribly, there's a non zero chance i looked so pathetic he decided to try and comfort me slightly by doing that. might've been a coincidence. but it did make me decide my underlying anger for how he never told me what his ideas for OUR work were, could wait.

i hope that once i get a job and my own place we're still friends. i want to be a better friend. i'm a horrible friend. i barely know why he sticks around

[peroxidesoakedrag]

left the discord group on a whim. i half want to go back but i'm not feeling like having that awkward ass conversation. so. nah. nobody even noticed i've been gone anyway, and i ghost constantly. if someone asks i'll probably lie and say college made me busy and stressy. it's kind of a poor lie, but people tend to not bother anyway

i think the hardest proof i've ever had that masturbating works to cull the instincts is that i haven't felt the urge to vividly daydream about men kissing (understatement for comedy) in months, and then after the latest round sucking ass i suddenly have that capacity again

i'm wondering if it's more awkward to do it before or after tomorrow. like i do have to do it, this is out of control. but. i have a thing tomorrow

i guess since i'm sleeping late anyway. just. speedrun it

[peroxidesoakedrag]

latest round scarred, i think. also i'm still weird about that one guy but that's expected, i'm weird about all human beings. just need to pray he doesnt enter vc with me ever again or something

mad because my mother seemingly just admitted my father is a huge creep and that affirms my odc levels of trauma reaction

had to really work to keep that off my mind since i now have. the masturbation schedule. sounds stupid but it's actually helping to do it regularly and my mental health is in such shambles anything that helps should be revered

i'll survive. i've survived too much to not survive that. i survived the suicide hotline closing five minutes after i was in the cliff, i'm unkillable. but still, whatever i can do that lets me stabilize even the tiniest bit is important

[peroxidesoakedrag]

guess what i liked a guy's voice and my attempt to stay normal about it led to me going the entire other way and suspecting them way more during the game

i know im not acexual because none of em would have this struggle

motherfucker didn't even have a remarkable voice. i'm just weird about voices

[peroxidesoakedrag]

forgot i already touched on taking up masturbating

well that's great i can just skip into the point

maybe i should try thinking about bleeding while i'm at it. just to see if it makes it go faster or slower. i'm already wondering if it's actually that or if the thrill and adrenaline rush just looks a lot like that

also i solved the laying down issue by just sitting in a position that mimics it. have not looked back since

trying really hard to find some coping mechanisms because i really want to at least know what helps, so in my next relapse i do that instead of making my arm be half red

painting gets really close, i'll give you that

[peroxidesoakedrag]

what do you do when you're attracted to a guy from a reality series about security people.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

haven't been here a while. so. summary

got worse, cut myself so much it's definitely gonna scar, can see my spiral coming from a mile away, started masturbating more actively to try and help with the general horniness and ennui

point is:one thing i've noticed is that no matter how dry my throat is, i still often want to pee after doing it

and i got a sort of quiet laugh when, in a night where i masturbated twice and slept late over it, my friend said he got up to pee three times despite not having drank water that soon before sleep

like, the two main options are that either that joking guess is right (none of my business) or wrong (i laugh at what it looked like, i move on)

on a sidenote, i think i have to figure out what's pleasurable and what isn't. i think doing it lying down is far superior to sitting. which is a bit unfortunate as i share a room, so i just bite my mouth's inside and move subtly since it's only an issue when the roommate knows what you're doing

like, i'm already going to hell. i'm just aiming to not make people around me hope i go to hell sooner where i can

i hide fucking everything anyway, gotta at least hide something i enjoy for once. instead of the world's worst game of genga

the cuts do concern me. i've never gone so deep. i've been nursing them, best i can. but i've never cut this deeply. one of them seems to have torn from skin. i suppose having the scar will be a good reminder to stop hoping things'll get better without taking it with my own hands

i think i've rested enough, the days after. tomorrow i think i ought to go back into the deep-end. i did formulate a game plan. i need to at least figure out how to get my foot in the door already

my sibling's brutality when dealing with me in that state was irresponsible. they truly don't seem to believe it was, though. backhanded apologies at best. but, well. we all know how much we'll talk once i'm unshackled. not at all, is how much. i'm tired of them thinking treating me poorly will ever get my favor

i ought to find some outlet for this anger. don't know what, though. at most, i'm thinking painting could help. usually helps

my friend likes my paintings. that made me happy, honestly. i sort of wish he'd tell me more about what makes him happy. but he seems to like our current setup well enough, even if it's rather one-sided. in the end, i'd accept anything that makes us both happy.

i do try to encourage him when he goes off on his tangents. i may not know why he likes my company, but as long as i'm alive and he enjoys my company, i'll do whatever i can to keep it this way. i need him in my life too badly. the second he wasn't around, i spiraled and cut my arm into pieces. if he was entirely gone.... well, not a thought i like having.

[peroxidesoakedrag]

back at the part of the cycle where the person who can't get along with me isn't getting along with me and no one is specifically paying attention and i'm not seeing my friend today so i don't have any support

and to boot, my father's been worse than usual

well, i already know what to do. silence for a few days, no one's really gonna care, come back once i either feel ready or am too lonely to care about the mistreatment

and probably plunge myself into both my work and my art or writing, too. it's what i can do when i feel a bit horrible

[peroxidesoakedrag]

saw some cute guys today. i'd never approach, i'm just really bad at talking and don't look attractive enough to compensate, really

but i did like sneaking a glance or two

one turned out to be my sibling's friend, though, which made me both more interested and more antsy. like it being possible is exhilarating but i also understand i really shouldn't do that

i think the way i feel about my friend stabilized as a sort of "if you don't have even a sliver of a crush on your friends do you even like them" thing. like. we're close. of course something would grow there. and i'm not particularly bad at accepting reality when it's not that much of a loss. like. oh nooo i'm gonna stay a virgin. it's sort of nothing

sometimes it comes back a bit but overall it settled down into just. someone i value a lot. a love that isn't specifically anything. doesn't need the platonic romantic separation. he's my closest friend and i'm happy we met

[peroxidesoakedrag]

i am trying really hard to stay stable but seeing that yeah i can just disappear from the group chat and no one will care, even worse, when i do say anything the conversation fucking dies, while the person who consistently made me feel like shit gets no sort of flack...

i might give it another day and straight up ghost, i'm really starting to become unable to convince myself to stay beyond "no give it another day you might regret it" the second to third day in a row

like, this is a running issue, i keep getting chided by that exact same person, and no one seems to notice or care about it, drowning while no one notices gets a bit tiring

all i can do is say i'll give it another day and then, if i really can't think of anything, make good on that bet and leave, because i can't fight it forever and i know that

i mean, when my fucking solution becomes "stay because the people who don't get included in shit either like you a lot". ugh

maybe i'll just avoid them. entirely. all we fucking do is fight, anyway. i'm not convinced they don't hate me. just talk to the people who do appreciate my being there, ignore everyone else