perohindidin

[perohindidin]

Fuck you. I tried to be as consistent as I could with you. I gave you everything you needed, because I wanted to see you thrive. For yourself. I even turned a blind eye twice, almost thrice. You are selfish, and you made me feel used. I haven't forgiven you. I need space to hate you, because I deserve to feel what I feel, and you deserve to be hated by me... At least for now. I wanna get it all out of the way because I want to work it out. I want us to be okay. I want to stay consistent with you. I don't think I can do that while I still hate you.

[perohindidin]

I can't sleep, and I feel as if something's wrong, when there's nothing wrong. I feel like I'm forgetting something but I'm not. I'm panicking over nothing, but I am panicking. I can't sleep.

[perohindidin]

Sometimes I still think you're about to leave me; that the one time I caught you engaging with other people, wasn't the first, and by no means was the last. Most times I think it'd be easier to just be alone again. I can get over things easily. I think. You can concentrate on your dreams, which obviously mean more to you than me. Thing is, it'd be much harder for you to live out your dreams without someone to support you. I'm willing to let you go, as painful as that thought is to me, as long as you have someone to provide better care and support for you.

I guess that means your dreams are now my dreams too.

[perohindidin]

Sometimes, you're really fucking selfish. Fuck you.

[perohindidin]

I blocked my ex today. I won't lie, having him around and still being able to talk to him was my way of validating that I wasn't a horrible partner.

Also, I'll be honest, I was holding on because my anxiety made me feel like my current relationship could dissolve at any minute. Even if I'm in a healthy almost 3 year relationship where I know we genuinely love, respect, and support each other. My ex seemed like he's still on the hook. He was my security blanket. Whenever I felt like I needed an ego boost or to pity party which I didn't want to bring up with my current partner, I'd go to my ex. There's a satisfaction I got from the neediness he displayed; which is ironic given that I broke up with him because I felt he didn't make enough effort to keep me in his life.

He hates losing things but doesn't know to to maintain things. Testament of that is he started dating me while he was in a relationship (I didn't know) and when it all blew up in his face, he got his shit together and still pursued me, over the pleas of his then long term partner.

Anyway, I blocked him today. I've tried to before, but he has always found a way to guilt me into talking to him. Then the neediness and satisfaction comes again, and the cycle continues. This time though I'm pretty sure there's no going back. I woke up today with my partner beside me, in the room we share, our dog, and the other from a previous relationship, on our feet, his clothes in my clothes rack and his stuff in my drawers, me remembering how he cared for me in my sickness the night before, and how he has done so for the past almost three years.

I looked at him asleep beside me, this beautiful person who takes up 3/4 the bed and hogs the pillows. I would do anything to make this man happy. Anything. I would let him go if he wanted to, but also if he chose to allow me, I would love him and support him all my life.

I think I want to ask if he'd allow me to do the latter.

[perohindidin]

I work with data. That's just a premise. It's calming. It's relaxing. It's precise, and methodical, yet creative and beautiful. You can do beautiful things and discover things you didn't know could be. It's like ikebana, bonsai, or origami. On the other hand most of the time I cry in frustration in my cubicle, scream a few times a day, and have extremely high expectations thrust upon me as a magic number man who they think can make, analyze, and interpret algorithms and trends instantaneously.

[perohindidin]

Daniel Aston, Raymond Green Vance, Kelly Loving, Ashley Paugh, Derrick Rump. These are the names of the 5 people who died in Club Q during a mass shooting conducted by someone who seems to identify as non binary. Violence within the community may also come from those within the community, but it is still violence, and it still stems from internalized hatred for people who just want the same rights enjoyed by the majority. The marginalized may victimize within its ranks, but that's because it's easier to do so, with all the protections available for those in power, but all involved, victim or villain, are still marginalized.

[perohindidin]

I saw a picture of a guy who looked a lot like an old fling of mine, a guy I pined for so hard, and we ended up breaking each others' hearts. I tried to remember his name, and I couldn't remember it. That made me smile. Either I'm so over that time in my life where I had to love and hide at the same time, or I'm developing dementia.

[perohindidin]

So, it's been six years, and a lot has changed from when I was last here. This'll be a great way to document and remind myself what's been going on since then.

Overall, I'm in a much better place. I mean, I'm still anxious, but not as depressed, nor as pessimistic. I no longer work in social services, am fully in Human Resources, and *a lot of specialized jargon* and undertake projects in sustainability and social inclusion and, I have had the opportunity to work for impactful, and award winning projects in the organizations I've been with since I ventured out of social services in 2017.

I still love architecture and specifically places of worship and civic structures. I also still love learning about different Philippine cultures and specifically have an interest in local handwoven textiles. I still do guided tours of the old city of Manila, although not as often as I used to. There's a lot of great people already doing those anyway. I'm just glad my city is getting a resurgence.

My work, and my interest in local cultures has also led me to travel to almost all provinces of the Philippines. I'm missing few, and plan to complete my pin map of provinces in the next few years.

I caught a life threatening infection in my scrotum that nearly killed me and had me undergo 5 surgeries in the span of a month. I'm better now, but that experience really put a lot of things into perspective and made me realize that security in healthcare and in social support systems is important when you have something to live for. Also that Filipinos deserve better from their government and social systems.

After years of being non committal, prioritizing work over my dating life, and making the excuse that I couldn't properly be in a relationship because I was busy, also using non gendered pronouns to refer my romantic relationships, because I didn't want to explain why the pronouns switched so often; I serendipitously met, and started dating a guy who I felt such an immense connection to that I wanted to share him with the world. That led me to come out as pansexual to my friends and family in 2020. Anyway, I'm in a 2 going on 3 year long term committed relationship with an awesome agriculturist/ horticulturist/ makeup artist/ drag queen.

We've mostly been living in our house in Manila; and while Maki, my pug, died in 2020, we've since been joined by a Husky, named Nori, and another pug, named Hopia. They're close.

Although still living with relatives in Manila, I am a homeowner, although the house is 3 provinces away from the capital, where I currently live. They were planning to transfer government offices there, and I decided to invest in the area.

I'm pretty happy, and I hope this lasts. As to why I'm back here, it's because I left another social media platform for political and social reasons, and I needed a place to still rant and vent. This was my original space, so why not back here, right?

Anyway, I'm back to but, no.

-perohindidin

[perohindidin]

I want to cry. It has been a year. We met again after a year. It was inevitable, and I thought I'd be fine, but I'm not. It still triggers me to shut down whenever I think about it. I made a choice. There was obviously something wrong with it. Im still immobilized by guilt. I need to be okay.

[perohindidin]

And the countdown to a power shift begins. The delusion that I'm merely a passive spectator has long since been cleared. I'm not waiting for more debris to fall on me. This is what I meant when I said some injuries, you never recover from. You are permanently weakened, and then you start realizing some things are not worth the pain. Also it gets ridiculous when you keep getting trampled on over and over again. Sometimes I think the people who have given up on existing institutions are better off. The people who are supposed to uphold idealism systemically destroy it in others in order to maintain the illusion of idealism in their version of the institution. Yes, I meant "their version." There is no institution. There is no integrity where there should be. You people disgust me just as much as I am disgusted by myself. I allowed myself to be tainted by your filth. I spit on your withering corpse. Let the powers play.

[perohindidin]

If you're truly looking for who you are, there will always be the feeling of being lost. There will be anxiety, fear, hatred, and melancholy. One by one, or all at once, at all times, until it ceases. You then feel none of that, and you dare to hope, to think that maybe you've found yourself. Maybe it's over. You thought you would be happier. Or maybe your mind just decided to take a break. Maybe you've learned to shut it all out. Maybe you've given up. You realize, not only are you unsure if you know yourself, you also know nothing of what's going on around you. Then the anxiety, fear, hatred, and melancholy returns.

[perohindidin]

Patria

1. I hate how I feel about my country. It's staring at the face of one you love above all others, and you cannot recognize them. Yesterday, you shared a dream, and ideals. Today, they are so against what you once both held sacred. 2. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: our society either idolizes and builds up; or discredits and attacks people, not ideas. Groups bashing the Catholics but they're even more idolatrous than Filipino Catholics are. I think it's time we destroy all golden calves and talk policy instead of people. 3. Forget it happened. Never forget why it had to be done.

[perohindidin]

"- Qu'est-ce que tu ferais si je meurs aujourd'hui ? - Je mourrais demain." J'ai Tué Ma Mère

[perohindidin]

Why do I have the feeling the social beliefs of the world are reverting back to 1939? I hate this decade.

[perohindidin]

Now I have chills, fever, and feel like vomiting. I hate my life.

[perohindidin]

At doon nga; ang mga kamay na noo'y kumakalinga ay bumitaw. Kung kukunin din lang naman ng kadiliman ang buhay; kung hindi man lang makita para maabot ang nais ipaglaban, para saan pa? Bumitaw ang mga kamay, at mula sa kadiliman ay niliyab ang sulo; itinaas para magsilbing ilaw sa mundo. Makita, alamin, at kilalanin. Ito ang tinatago ng dilim.