perksofanonymousprofiles

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

Thinking of you, hope you have more reasons to smile now than ever.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

Also you were there, in some way shape or form, to all traumatic memories I have. I’ll be can be grateful for that, despite the pain of losing you hurting a little more because of it.

Our pasts are so different, life has put you through so much more than me, and I didn’t know how to process that with you. I’m sorry. You were always gifted in guiding others through trauma just by your presence and attention.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I was trying to understand why you’re the only ex that still hurts. All the others, I feel confident in what we were and know it was meaningful but that it ran its course and can smile from the memories. For you I still only feel fear and hurt. I believed in us so much the end still surprises me. The love was so real I thought it’d overcome anything. But that’s it, isn’t it? It’s not really about how much you love or obsess over the other. It’s about maturity, communication, compromise, practice... Skills we both hadn’t perfected yet. And that’s okay. That doesn’t mean it was a waste, that doesn’t mean I should resent it because it hurts, it means I’m still learning from you. Somehow, everyday, your memory still teaches me something.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

you should know that anyone who says they’ve gotten over you is lying.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

but we wouldn't be us if I didn't do, say, think everything wrong.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I'd never forget you. I lose track of time, but never you.

I've never missed a birthday.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

reaching out was not my way of trying to hurt you... sorry. my mistake.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

ahh the anniversary-birthday week. now I understand the dreams.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

still dreaming of you.

you still hurt me there too.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I don't know what it is to want someone? I wanted you for 8 years. You've been the most constant part of my entire life.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I was so much better when I wouldn't let you in. That first 6 months in college, before you left. I was so fucking strong then.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

- But I'm empty and you took my light

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I'm still so proud of you. You should give NYC a try. Or any city for that matter. Spread your wings and fly little bird.

Life updates (not much):

- I make good money and work from home. aka paid to lay in bed. I didn't know I could be such a posh housewife.

- my entire life revolves around COVID-- I build the models that forecast hospitalizations and deaths (you should check them out).

- I'm in the process of interviewing for my doctorate. Stanford was last week, Emory is soon, still waiting to hear back from others...

- I miss traveling so much. You should see me here I'm like a flightless little bird, so sad.

- oh also LOL fuck my last apartment, GA has a law where you have to give 60 day notice before you move out even if your lease is ending and so I paid $3000 for because they charged me per month for 60 days after July. I wish you would have chewed them a new one.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I've always believed in what you do and what you're capable of. I respected your choice to work on your own, but a lot of what you say wasn't said when we were together. I didn't know it all. It didn't feel like you were asking for a year, it felt like you were asking for space from me. I offered to move to Chicago, to work until you figured it out, and it was still a no. You see how that came across to me... It was never that I didn't believe in you, or want you, but I just couldn't trust that you actually wanted me. Not in the same way I wanted you.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

I hope you are okay, and happy. It's a terrible world we are in. I miss your reactions, you never took anything too seriously. Always found a way to make it bright.

[perksofanonymousprofiles]

you broke my heart. I can't say your name without choking up.