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back from another long hiatus it is now 2025, life without much progress

from what I can read/recollect from my previous post, I might have been amidst starting a new relationship with Akari, and yeah we dated LDR for about 8 months. I think it was the first time I had a genuine relationship where things were great and happy. The last time I made a post was during the height of the covid pandemic and I was struggling with school and unhappy with a lot of aspects of my life. I decided to leave medical school and now I'm at my sister's place applying for different programs and looking at what to do with my life. It's quite ironic and funny how I was super optimistic, albeit hating the world, and I genuinely wanted to make something of myself. I think over time, I lost sight of that passion and dream, and I just wanted to get by, survive, live life and somehow make it out to the other side. Unfortunately, that way of thinking and how I approached life got me nowhere - and even if I did make it to the other side, I don't think I would have been proud of my life.

Although I am no longer on the path to becoming a medical doctor, a big part of me constantly thinks that it was the right thing to do. Yes, I may have been a doctor, but I would have greatly loathed my occupation and quality of life. I am taking things step by step - and yes, I broke up with Akari out of my own selfish wants and needs. She messaged me late last year out of the blue, and to be completely honest I was quite surprised. She was in a relationship with another Korean dude and now although it looks like she broke up with said dude, she contacted me to see how I was doing. I think I've matured enough to see the genuine and kind intention, and I am quite receptive. I don't think I hold any of the hate that I had back when I was a university student. I talked bad about dorky hyung and said he was fucking annoying - which maybe he was at the time, but he is a dear friend that I've met and communicated with for well over 10 years now.

I've met so many people along the way, both in person and online, and I've done so many things that are toxic and are socially unhealthy? but I think those experiences helped me to become more self-aware, and has given me the information and feedback needed to become a more well-rounded and mature person.

Anyways the crazy thing is, recently I started talking to someone from kakao openchat - her name is funnily enough 이유진 which was the name of the catfish girl who lied that she was in Switzerland/Vancouver blahblahblah. I totally forgot about her and just realized it a few minutes ago as I was reading back on old posts. But anyways, new 유진 is quite interesting. Whenever I approach relationships, I no longer think of romantic potential. I think the most important thing is being genuine friends and developing a lasting relationship where both me and the other person can feel comfortable. I may slowly be developing romantic feelings for new 유진 but I don't want to put much emotional weight on my feelings for now. I guess I will update again a few years later when I'm in my mid-30s. I hope I am able to carry out all of my hopes,dream, goals and build healthy relationships with people in the coming years. Perhaps, I am no longer the boy that was sitting in a shitty university apartment, brooding over the fact that nothing in life was going my way. Hopefully my writing is better now too, but I doubt it haha.

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new year 2022 I can’t believe I still remember and have access to this blog I feel like I keep coming back every 2 years or so - but well, I guess I can’t help myself from reading back on old posts and reminding myself how cringe and stupid I was haha (although I am still very much cringe and stupid) To elaborate on the past “relationship” simply put, I was catfished I knew something was off whenever she would deny my request to videocall every time she sent me a picture of herself it didn’t seem quite right her blatant lies and poor photoshop skills blew past me because I was stubborn and didn’t want to believe that my intuition was correct but in the end, always trust your gut feeling anyways, I’m glad that I got out of that before it went anywhere it was quite embarrassing and demoralizing and I just kept thinking to myself, why did I reject everyone else (people who actually lived close by) and decide to date someone that I never even video called with?  anyways, it’s an issue of the past - and no good will come from dwelling upon it as for Luta, we lost contact in 2020 or so I thought things were looking okay, but tbh she had a boyfriend at the time and there were a lot of aspects of her life that I didn’t think matched well with mine besides, I don’t think either of us were that interested in each other anyways with the whole covid situation she went back to Japan for 2020-2021 and she’s actually back in the states now working as an aupair - but I don’t really care anymore...as long as she’s happy doing what she does *shrug I wrote a long post but ended up deleting it because I’m scared what would happen if I post on this blog. There seems to be a curse where whenever I write about something or a relationship, it always turns to shit. I’m going to keep my mouth closed hahahaha

but until then - I hope future me is happy.  gotta do well on that pharm exam!

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just to remind : juncafes

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It’s been 3 years since my last post Happy 2020! Year of Quarantine and COVID-19

Honestly, it’s been a shitshow That “relationship” haha a fucking joke

I will come back to update Running on no sleep Feels good to be alive LUTA2020LETSGOOOOOOOOO

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this will be the last post; the last chapter for this blog  it is very unlikely that I will ever update it again - but perhaps I will, we will see. so many events have happened since the last post I wrote, but I won’t go into any details. to future me, you already know your position in life - reading about it won’t make you feel any better, trust current me. 

I reread all of my past posts, every sentence, every word. it’s hard to say what I was exactly feeling at the time of my writings, but I can very much see that I had evolved into a bitter person. I hated my life, I hated everything around me, and I was definitely not thankful for everything I had - and all the opportunities that I was given.

I’ve met knew people since then, made new experiences. I gained hope - I came to realize that not all people are toxic, selfish, egotistical beings. I always put everything into a negative perspective because of past experiences, and it felt as though I only picked up on every little bad thing that was happening to me and my life. 

It’s been 3 years since my first post. I was miserable then. I just wanted to close my eyes and run as far as I could, in hopes of one day stumbling upon a fate that seemed decent and desirable.. but nothing is that easy.  A person that I love once told me that - you need to try and put in effort for the things you want. over the years I had just been stacking up bricks - making new walls for myself, and fortifying it over and over again - to make sure I didn’t feel the same hurt I felt many years ago. 

Although my situation isn’t ideal - I’ve come to accept that nothing in life will be perfect. I am grateful for everything that I have, and for all the people that are willing to tolerate me out of love. I have met someone very dear to me - someone that took me in for who I was and nothing else. I constantly carry the fear that she will someday slip through my hands - that something will cause her to leave. but I trust her. I trust her with all my heart. I will never forget her. 

사랑해. 

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why is it so hard to find someone to talk to without feeling the need to pull out all of my hair

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so much has happened these past few weeks. 

of course, I began my studies for the global medicine program at SC. things are going well so far, i suppose (besides my midterm grades HA). I met a few people, and I’m just exploring the new campus and trying to make myself feel comfortable. I feel bad for my father though cause - since I don’t have a car right now, he has to drive me all the way to the campus and back - hope he stays healthy;; anyways, I also landed a spot at a research facility at the university. of course I don’t get paid for doing research there, but better than nothing. and plus, if I WERE to get paid, I’d prob have to work several more hours, and I just don’t have the time.

I’ve been feeling pretty pathetic and depressed these past few weeks. I haven’t been doing very well in my academics, and although the interest and enthusiasm is there - my brain isn’t. I keep procrastinating, and it never ends well. I couldn’t even take my MCATs cause towards the exam day I got super nervous and my test scores were going down - so I called it off... and that made me feel like 쓰레기. I have to take the new exam, but I don’t think it’ll be that much different besides the new section they added in. 

so to sum it all off:  social life - 땡  academics - 땡  sleep? - 땡 

I recently deleted all my SNS accounts, even my main tumblr account which I had for well over 2 years. I have no close friends as of now, no one to talk to. I feel lost as fuck. I’m supposed to write cover letters rn to go abroad over the summer, but I’m sitting here taking notes that I didn’t finish yesterday. I’m getting old, and I still feel like I’m in high school. Even more so cause I don’t have a car of my own, so I have to travel with my parents... bloop

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weird dream, I can only remember segments of it, but I'll write down what happens: it starts out in a hotel room. I'm with my mother, father, and sister as usual and we are just hanging out. all of a sudden a kid knocks on our door - we open the door and he runs into the room. we tell him to get out, but he doesn't listen. He hides behind one of our beds, near the door that leads to the other room (usually theres a door that is connected to the other room). the only way to open this door ofc, is if both parties open the door. He tries to pry it open to leave our room, but we tell him it's hopeless. There is no one next door.  I looked at the boy, and he was scared - but I didn't know why. He shouted "nevermind" and sprinted out the door. Right after he left, the "connecting" door creaked open. Right after I saw this, I shouted for the boy telling him that it was open and that he could go into the other to hide from whatever he was running away from, but by then - he had disappeared. I peered into the adjacent room. It was dark, but there was a presence within the room. In one of the beds was a man, with a cowboy hat? and standing quietly next to the door was his partner - who looked similar to the character Penny in the Big Bang Theory. everything was so weird, and something was definitely off. All of a sudden we heard gunshots outside. ofc, this was all a dream so there were a lot of things that didnt seem to connect. I looked over to the the people next door - the guy was holding onto a bag. it was soaked in blood and I wondered what was inside of it. who were these people and why were they in a room that was previously unoccupied. He slowly revealed the contents of the bag, it was a severed head. however, it was unlike anything ive ever seen before. perhaps a new species, an alien species. it was very humanoid in appearance, but it had horns. gunshots continued outside and I slowly looked through the hole in the door to see what was going on. there were several of them - I didn't know what they were. they were of the same species of the beheaded individual that silently lay in the blood soaked bag. I looked over to my family, and they were all determined to run, to escape. we had to blend in somehow, so we wore plastic horns (who the hell knows where they came from) and we started to run. - it cut to several days later - idk where my mother went, but I was with my father and sister. we still had those silly plastic horns on, and surprisingly they couldn't tell us apart from the other humans. we walked towards a government building, its white steps were stained in blood. there were claw marks everywhere. and then I heard it - the sound of nails scratching against a blackboard. I turned around and there it was, a monster wrapped in white cloth, like a newly prepared mummy. it had long steel claws stained in blood and it was looking to kill, looking to feast upon our entrails. we made a run for it. there were several flights of stairs, even inside the building. we climbed three, and as we went higher up, the stairwell became more and more narrow. the thing was still behind us, slowly gaining distance. the stairwell came to a dead end. it was cut off from the rest of the building - there may have been an explosion, and what lay ahead of us was a 3 foot drop that looked almost like a 100 ft drop. we had no other choice, and we jumped. I woke up, it must have been several hours. none of us were dead surprisingly. I woke up to a broken arm and leg. I had trouble breathing, but at least we were alive. now instead of our father, our mother was with us. she asked my sister whether her medical school was nearby, because we needed a place to stay. my sister said there should be an empty room where we could spend the night. we climbed up a spiral staircase, and what lie ahead of us was a dark hall (something you might find in a hospital ghost story). we were checking out each of the rooms, and there were classes being held. all of a sudden my sister went inside a room - her classmates were there. my mother and I followed and we took a seat at one of the tables. we were one seat short, so I took a seat in a dark corner. there was a bookcase, filled with korean snacks. the professor came up to me, and talked to me but I could hardly remember what our conversation was about. dream ended there. lots of weird random happenings. 

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haha I havent written in this blog for a long time, so I will update *myself* on whats going on. 3rd quarter for senior year didnt end that well. I got As for most of my classes by I got a B in a stupid class that I totally underestimated. I was so disappointed in myself, like wtf was I doing. I sold my FC660M to some dude in Florida, and there was some issue with the whole delivery process, but fortunately it got to him safely, so I hope he enjoys it. I got a HHKB Pro 2 (I know, I thought I would never buy it, but I ended it up getting through a sale on ebay), and most recently I got a Poker II keyboard with mx clear switches. I like it so far, but there is an issue with one of the LED lights on the alt key, so I emailed them to see if I could replace it with one without defects. I havent gotten a reply from them yet, but hopefully I will get something soon. More school stuff: So I decided to pursue a career in medicine rather than dentistry - I ended up taking both summer sessions after my final quarter of university. I ended up getting an A for anatomy and A+s for both microbiology and psychology. Surprising enough I really enjoyed both classes and met some new friends (some were cool, others were douchebags tbh). 

I started talking to this one girl that lives in Jersey, she was cool and we started playing tera together, but idk shes kinda weird. I think it would be a good idea not to talk to her too much // anymore. damn, I miss kainan. If I just had the confidence to say 'yes' - things would have been better? idk but I miss her. it's summer, and I'm starting to study for MCATs. hopefully I do well on the exam, cause technically I only have one shot at it. I'll do fine. I'm not worried. 

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and again, I did really shitty for my classes 2nd quarter, and although I was able to get As in two of my classes, I did really horrible in my lab class, so I feel really shitty and I feel like I'm fucking around and I feel worthless. and I sound hella asian but it's really important to me and I really don't know where I'm going in life right now. I just need to concentrate and get my shit together but it's just really hard to do so, yknow. 

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I did so shitty this fall 2013 quarter, I don't even want to talk about it. I haven't even received any more interview invites and I really don't know what to do with my life right now. I really need a miracle~ so basically I almost got at least 2 A- or if not, all A-, but I just decided to fuck around last minute and ended up getting B+ for all of my classes. I really feel super depressed, and I know it sounds super asian for getting sad over B+, but since I did so bad during my freshman year, every point counts. I really hope I get into at least one dental school. Please God help me. Please. :c

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It was around this time last year that I went to perform at some annual tea party thing for my mother's coworker. wow time flies by pretty quickly. I wish I could see that girl again this year, but that would probably be impossible. wow she was so pretty haha. anyways, life is going pretty swell I guess. I developed an obsession for keyboards, and I bought one for like 150, but then I bought another one with different switches like 2 months later for 120 but I like the new one better, so I'm planning on selling the first one that I bought. It's really stupid actually lol. As for my academics, I ended up getting an A- during physics lab. and during the second summer session, I ended up getting an A for my last physics class. I guess it was fun while it lasted. Before taking physics, I was always jealous of those kids that were taking the class in high school. I don't know, something about the subject made me want to take it. But now that it's over, I'm glad. I'm slowly starting to avoid all tumblr people that I befriended over the past year. I just don't want to be known anymore, which is why I remade a tumblr and now that a lot of people aren't following me, it's nice but boring at the same time. This quarter I'm taking a lot of difficult courses, and I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get an A in all of these classes but I will try my best. my love life right now? I don't like anyone irl, so I'm guessing it doesn't exist. Hopefully I will enjoy this year's end of the year holidays. Looking forward to everything. Most of my writing probably doesn't make sense, but I feel really out of shape right now and I seriously need to take a shit right now. so don't judge meh. yeah, that's about it. nothing too interesting. seeya~

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haha it's been a while since I wrote for this blog. as of now, I am nearing the end of my university summer session. I got an A for physiology and I'm pretty sure I got an A in physics lab, but I don't know the results yet. As for 유진 a lot of shit went down. I actually told her I liked her, and a few days later I found out that she was a fake. of course she deleted her tumblr, and a lot of shit went down between me and a few tumblr people, but all of that is long over now. I actually deleted my main tumblr account today, and I don't plan on returning to tumblr anytime soon, other than updating this blog. I also quit league of legends, because I felt like I was spending too much time on that game. and sadly, I just cut myself from everyone on tumblr. I deleted their contacts on kakao, and I am planning on not talking to them ever again. yeah, I'm running away from my friends again. this always happens. maybe I'm just a bad person, who knows. maybe I'm just stupid. I don't think I'll ever be happy. well I'm off to bed now. you guys have a nice night,,, whoever you are.

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oh yeah I forgot to mention that I changed my url to something really random because I didn't want some person from tumblr to find out about it. It's been a while since I last talked about my life on this blog. haha I guess I'm going against my 'promise' that I would be putting my soul into this. Anyways, spring quarter finished and I did better than I thought. I believe I really witnessed a miracle from God, and at the same time I feel so disappointed in myself because I couldn't do any better. It's okay, I guess I'll just have to start working harder (which is what I always say but I never do ;;). I completely stopped talking to 유진 and I unfollowed her blog as well. It's kind of sad because I really liked her for who she was. But the problem, you see, was that I liked her more than a friend. She got accepted to Columbia and I was thinking of applying and attending a New York dental school just to meet her. But that idea is really idiotic, and I'm not the type of person who will throw away everything that I have for a girl that probably won't have a big impact in my life. The other girl that told me she liked me, Kainan, has been going through some tough times. It's sad that I can't do anything for her, even though I want to help her so bad. Maybe she was just saying those things in order to avoid me. Especially since I sort of turned her down when she confessed to me. But what is there that I can do? She doesn't even know what I look like, she hasn't even heard my voice. I am, and I will always be that stranger on the internet. Even though I may have developed feelings for her, there is nothing that I can do. These days, it seems like her emotions towards me have become neutral and she just treats me as a friend, which is nice. But strangely enough, at times, I wish we were more than friends. I wish she was by my side, and I wish I could comfort her in harsh times. sigh, there is so so so so so much that has happened since I last wrote. During spring break I went on tinychat and met a group of people. We were really close for a few months, and nowadays it's starting to die off. There is this one guy that seems obnoxious and he makes it seem he has control over the whole world. However, he seems so sad at times, and to me at least, he is still a boy playing video games. This world is so sad. Today, I decided to stop talking to people I usually talk to on skype. They are probably the only people who know what I sound like, and they probably think I'm a loser anyways. As for Kainan, I really don't want to talk to her anymore either. If I continue to talk to her, my heart will die slowly. Oh yeah, theres this other girl named Holly. She lives in the UK, and I met her through omegle (lol random I know). She seems nice, but she's really full of herself. It's ok though, she's cool. Why am I so lonely all the time. 

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난 그녀를 좋아하는데 내 심장은 터질것같은데 말은 안나오는데 바보처름 혼자서 고민하고있는데 나 왜 이러지

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I started talking to this girl named kainan. today we were chatting on skype and she told me that she liked me. I dont know if I'm being gullible, but I really hope that this friendship that we have doesnt turns sour like the one I had with annie. I feel like I like her too but our backgrounds are so different. we're basically polar opposites. hopefully we can still be close friends. I dont know, it made me somewhat happy when she told me that. what to do...

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haha wow I havent written in this for a long time  well, second quarter ended and I got all A+ except for my physics class. the professor for that class was so fucking disorganized and lazy, like half the time I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. you can tell how bad a professor is by the amount of students he has in his lectures. seriously, its like a 300 student class and by the fifth week of instruction, there were only 35 of us there listening to his nervousness. like bitch, learn how to teach. how the fuck did you even get a job here. fucking 할아버지 yo. anyways, life so far. I guess its the same. I feel like its never going to change much. A lot of stuff has happened while I was gone. during spring break, my family was thinking of selling the house, and moving to a different city. we visited the neighborhood, but to our surprise, no one liked it. so in the end, we just decided to stay where we are. also, my grandmother decided to start living with us. I guess she was tired of living with my ratchet cousin's family. cant blame her decision, that house is really kind of fucked up. my aunt talks about us wherever she goes. and the funny thing is my mother never brags or talks about us to other random people, but when she meets them they already know everything there is to know about our family. like bitch, you seriously need to shut that mouth of yours, cause you just letting the  whole world know about your family problems. If I was my aunt, I'd be embarrassed to talk about my family. and the funny thing is, she only talks about me and my sister, and she doesnt even mention anything about her own daughter and son. I guess there isnt really much to brag about your offspring eh? haha wow I'm so mean.  anyways, over spring break, I started going on tinychat cause a girl named emily posted a link on tumblr. during that week I met so many people and the funny thing is, were still going on. basically theres emily, sang, ashley, yoonji, kris, julina, regi, and some other people that I forgot, haha. kris and regi came a bit later, but they are good funny people. sang, he's interesting. I wouldnt want a life like his, but I'd say his outlook on life is a lot different than the typical asian american. perhaps not? maybe im just the weird one that does everything in a conservative manner. maybe im a loser.  so any cute girls these days? nope. not at school. not online. I pretty much stopped talking to 유진. she probably didnt want to talk to me in the first place. I dont really care anymore. I just feel so dead. There was this time when all these random anons starting talking to me. I enjoyed it at first, but then it got really creepy and I just didnt know what to do from that point. There was this girl named gina that I talked to. she seems like a nice person, and we talked over the break. I dont know, when I first started talking to her, I could sense a certain sadness from her. tbh I really dont like girls like her. shes not that pretty, but I feel like her standards of guys are too high. she seems like the type of person that wont have a second look at a guy if hes ugly. I dont blame her. its her life, and her preference. I kind of want to stop talking to her though. I dont know why I started talking to her. she was about to break up with her boyfriend, but now theyre back together again. congrats for her. funny shit yo. I want a girlfriend too. but not just any girlfriend, a really pretty one hahaha, wow how superficial can one get...and hypocritical. fuck my life.