pensandlakes

[pensandlakes]

I have never felt so detached to my birthday then I did yesterday. So empty. So pointless.

My mind was playing "I Hate It Here" by TS constantly the whole day.

Really, as silly as this sounds, the only thing that is keeping me breathing is the thought of not hearing Tay's last two rereleases and future albums. I also wanna see her in concert at least once before I say goodbye to this earth.

I thought I'd never come back to this dark place in my mind. I thought I was getting better. It's been years. But I guess I am wrong. Cause here it is again... waiting to pounce. To take control.

Only this time, I honestly do not know if I can fight it... nor if I WANT to fight it.

[pensandlakes]

11; Eyes Open

Oh @taylorswift . I just want to send you the warmest hug ever. I know you're not oblivious to what's going on in the harsh world of social media and the internet rn (but in the slightest of chance,s I hope you are), and if you singing this song is you subtly telling us you are feeling it? God I just want to shield you away from the hate.

It actually does break my heart when people do this to you. How could they? As much as I love the new heights you've catapulted yourself into, I miss the time when we had you to ourselves. By ourselves, I mean us -- the swifties who've been here and stayed with you since day 1. Miss the times when you were so active on social media and interacting with the fandom. I understand why you don't do that rn though. It's too much. I guess it's the price of fame.

Oh Tay. I honestly wish nothing but your happiness and peace. Whatever happens, you'll have me. Love you, Tay. Forever and always.

VM ❤️

[pensandlakes]

10; Awards and Poetry

"What the actual hell", I exclaimed as I dropped both my phone and my jaw when you announced that you're releasing your 11th album... as you were receiving your THIRTEENTH Grammy! @taylorswift, you are sneaky... very sneaky. You had us all changing our pfps (at least on the former bird app) into black and white gearing towards Rep TV.

But noooooo. Miss ma'am had something nefarious planned. Oh Tay. To be a swiftie really is such a joy. My productivity is once again at a zero on a Monday yes, but I'm beaming with happiness!

I mean, a new album? THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT? Hello? My literal username is pensandlakes for a reason. If The Lakes is a prelude to the poetic masterpiece that this album is going to be, I think I am going to malfunction come April 19th. Also... April 19th! Finally! A release nearing my birthday! (ps: you should totally release an album for every month in the year -- cause we love celebrating album birthdays).

And 4 time Grammy AOTY winner? Taylor Alison Swift! You are a freaking legend! So proud of my little indie artist who I fell in love with in 2007!

Now you're probably on your way to Japan. We are going to be in the same timezone now. It's bittersweet. Due to circumstances, I am not going to be able to go to The Eras Tour -- not unless you add dates or shows in Asia. But I try not to think too much about that cause it just breaks my heart and I cannot afford and I cannot allow myself to bask in the ocean of despair right now cause I still have a big mountain to climb by the third week of February.

So yes, Tay. BIG CONGRATS! You deserve this and more!

Love you, forever and always!

<3

[pensandlakes]

#9; Love

Oh @taylorswift, you are just radiating love. Glowing. Happy. Blissful. To say that I feel second hand joy from you is an understatement. I know it sounds soooo parasocial, but it is what is.

I don't know. All these years, I have always felt like you are a friend who just moved out of town and made it big in the biz. I often jokingly say that you are kind of my Dorothea. So to see you happy is definitely something that makes life brighter. It really does feel like seeing a bestfriend finally having the life and love that she deserves.

On that note, it's February. Quite a busy month as a Swiftie and irl as well. It's the first day and I already am drowninnggg. My anxiety is tearing me apart rn, and god knows what happened to my brain that the SB is adding to my list of things to worry about. I am genuinely hoping the red kingdom will take the trophy and the champion rings. It's stressing me when I think about it. And then I stress even more because after the game, I have a big mountain I have to climb the following week, soooooo..... God help me.

That's all for now. I am so drained.

Love you, Tay. Forever and always. Take care!

[pensandlakes]

8th; Karma

Just a quick little note cause life's a little busy lately. But man oh man, I love it when karma tracks the teams that weaponize you against the Chiefs @taylorswift. I get cheering for whatever sports team we root for with a passion, but the disrespect you got from this specific time this week? Oh that was nasty. I don't usually get bothered about the dads, brads, and chads anymore but them burning a picture of you and all those signs (as if you are the one playing)? That really rubbed me the wrong way.

But oh well, serves them right. Best believe tayvoodoo is always gonna deliver. As you once said, the trash will always take itself out.

It's almost February -- which means the Eras Tour is back! We will transition from gameday weekends to concert livestream weekends! We really are just the luckiest fans with all these contents! Thanks, Tay!

February is also one tough month for me to overcome. Just one big hurdle to conquer. Universe, please grant me this one.

Love you, Tay!

And Go C H I E F S!

All the love,

VM <3

[pensandlakes]

7th: Joy

Hiiiii @taylorswift ! It's 2024! I haven't had the chance to sit down and babble cause holidays are just nonstop go go go galore in an adult's life. Plus I am also prepping for an important exam that I will take this February. So.

But. I am just dropping by to say that I looooove seeing the joy on your face. You are radiating love and happiness and I couldn't even ask for more. I know this sounds soooo parasocial, but everytime you smile, I smile for you 😉 It really feels like seeing one of my friends just enjoying life and love.

I read that article about the lady who sat in front of you during the game last Sunday, and I am just soooo happy that you finally get to live a life *normally* (as normally as you could -- at least) there in KC. Also, you gave her your scarf? Taaaaaay, that melted my heart. You are one good person. If I had a child, I really would want them to look up to you. Your success and status didn't really tarnish the goodness inside you. I honestly do not know how people hate you.

And the latest thing I learned from you lately? Ignoring social media's negativity. I used to get so worked up reading the hate they throw at you. I realized that when people spread hate, it's just reflection of themselves and their issues. I can understand if they don't like your music cause we all have different tastes. But to go on here and blurb spiteful things? I mean, I have artists I personally do not like, but I do not go around the internet posting hate about them. I have so much better to do in my life. Why don't people just spread love? Like that's just such a simple thing to do!

Anyhow. Belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Tay (still counts -- I still have my Christmas lights up even if it's mid January 😉)! I just wish you happiness and good health!

Got to sleep now. Adulting awaits tomorrow.

Love you.

Forever and always,

VM ❤️

[pensandlakes]

#6 : Mothers

@taylorswift, hi! Hope you are enjoying your tour break and having a joyous holiday season!

So yeah, I feel like I'm talking to a void writing these, but more often than not, it's cathartic. In a way, it's like writing on a journal... named Taylor. I know you aren't reading these at all, but I'm just going to continue doing so cause it just brings peace to me. I don't even know why I ever stopped journaling, but thank you for somehow bringing this out of me.

Anyway, I just teared up a little watching that tiktok video you just commented on about a mom and her daughter. *playing The Best Day in the background as I'm writing this*. I cry every single time I listen to The Best Day. I don't ever know where I'd be if it weren't for my mom. I wish everyone has good mothers as I truly believe a great mother really does make a life. The stanza, "I’m thirteen now and don’t know how my friends could be so mean I come home crying and you hold me tight and grab the keys And we drive and drive until we found a town far enough away And we talk and window shop till I’ve forgotten all their names.." just gets to me every single time. I miss doing that with my own mom -- just her driving me around our little city, with YOU blasting on the car stereo, stopping by icecream and coffee shops, thrift shopping, and laughing. Those are core memories I will always hold near my heart.

I just know that her daughter (the woman in the vid) will always hold unto those memories that they are making right now as she grows up. And it's crazy because I cannot even imagine how many mother-daughter relationships you are unknowingly a part of. You've been in mine the last 17 years. And my mom? She knows when I get into her car, that Taylor Swift is still the person playing in the background. And she jams along with me, tapping her little fingers on the steering wheel, while I just smile and try to hold my tears cause at 30, I still love driving around with her and getting to spend the day with her just doing the most simple things in life.

And on that note, send my thank you to your mom. Andrea. She gave birth and raised Taylor Alison Swift... who not only has talents beyond this universe, but whose heart is expansive as the Milky Way Galaxy. She deserves the world, and I truly and honestly do include her in my daily prayers. Thank you, Andrea -- for Taylor.

That's it for now, still have real life to get to.

Love you, Tay!

Forever and always,

VM <3

[pensandlakes]

#5 ; of starsigns and birthdays

happy birthday queen @taylorswift -- the Sagittarius queen!

I just watched an interview you had 10 years ago when you were asked what do you think you'd be doing 10 years after. You said you'd probably be writing songs for other people and will still make sure you'd have a creative outlet since your life force relies on writing songs. That comforted me, in a way. I really don't know how to soldier life without your wonderful works. They have been my crutches, my comfort, my safety net for more then a decade now. But at the same time, I know it won't feel the same. I still want you to be the one singing the songs you write. But then again, I truly respect whatever decision you will make. You deserve whatever your heart desires, Tay. I just hope that before and if you decide to forego the public life and lead a quiet one, I will have just one chance... just one.. to meet you, hear you sing, and just thank you in person for all that you are and all that you do.

Happy birthday, Tay! I wish you peace of mind, good health, and joy... pure unabashed joy. That really is all I want for you -- happiness. That has all I ever wanted for you since the beginning. And seeing you take the world and be so happy lately? It's really like seeing your bestfriend be on top of the world!

Here's to more, queen! More albums. More tours. More records to break. More songs. More joy. More smiles. More laughters. More Taylor Swift!

I love you!

Forever and always.

<3 V

[pensandlakes]

4th; of pretty little things wrapped

Hi @taylorswift! Another year, yet another SpoTAYfy wrapped was released. This year was insane. I kind of hyperfixated on your music maybe just a tiny bit -- 166,693 minutes bit, to be more specific. Some people chastise those numbers saying a whole lot of negative things, but you know what? I am so proud to belong in the 0.001% of your top listeners.

You've been my top artist since I decided to join the streaming platform in late 2019. Never shocks me that you're always up there. This year though, I kind of hammered it down to core. Things just slowed down in my life this year and I just had the time to stream and drown in your music as much as I'd like. While the whole world slowed down during the p a n d e m i c, mine was fast-paced filled with daily anxieties and fears as I traversed the insides of our hospital grounds. The whole word began anew this year, and I decided to retreat and do my own kind of isolation. So yes, I had the time to really just take it all in thus the apparent increase in my streams.

It's just funny to me how both version of your famed 10 minute song made it to my top 5. I just somehow dig all the heart-wrenching, gut-punching songs. I've always been like that since 2007, when people made me choose between Our Song and Teardrops On My Guitar, or You Belong With Me vs Fifteen, down to the recent upbeat songs in the likes of Bejeweled, Karma, etc versus You're Losing Me, Castles Crumbling, etc. I fully admit that me and Sadness probably come from the same pond.

And wow, Tay. Top G l o b a l Artist!!!! Wow. So proud of you! Also finally made it to the billionaire club. But you know what really makes me happy? Seeing you happy.

It's certain someone's birthday tomorrow, so I will just cut this short. Have a fun December 12th, Tay!

[pensandlakes]

Letter #3! Thank you, Tay!

Happy thanksgiving @taylorswift!

Just want to get out there that I am so thankful to live in the same lifetime as you. Your music has been such a crutch I heavily relied on as I navigated life all throughout these years.

From the first time I heard Invisible, Tied Together With A Smile, Mary's Song (Oh My My My), and I'd Lie (sorry Tay, I really thought that was an official release -- my 14 year old self never knew!), I gravitated towards you! Life was hard (or so I thought) as I teenager, and having you write these songs that perfectly encapsulated what my heart feels but my mouth can't exactly speak? It was just a blessing! I still remember crying to Teardrops On My Guitar for months because that bridge just nailed right through my bone!

When I finished high-school (technically 10th grade in US school system) in 2009, I distinctly remembered listening to The Best Day bawling my eyes out cause it just spoke to me a ton. I wrote the bridge on my parents' card during our tribute right before I walked the stage to receive my diploma that day.

There is a video I found From back when I was three You set up a paint set in the kitchen And you're talking to me It's the age of princesses and pirate ships And the seven dwarfs And Daddy's smart And you're the prettiest lady in the whole wide world.

It still makes me cry!

In 2012, in the midst of my first real heartbreak, you released All Too Well and The Moment I Knew. I broke myself, and yet again, I leaned on to your music to somehow get me through that darkness.

And maybe we got lost in translation Maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up...

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again But I'm still trying to find it...

God knows I did try to find my old self, but I wasn't able to. I completely revamped myself after that. And coincidentally, you went through the same thing around the same time, and then 1989 was born in 2014!

You also had a monumental effect when it comes to my academic journey as well! I used to ace my English exams, write outstanding papers, and my vocabulary building game was strong! I even made it to our school's paper as Assistant-Editor-in-Chief. I truly think it was you (and Harry Potter) who galvanized my love for words and literature. The world insurmountable? When I head that in The Lakes, I honestly just guffawed the shit out of my self cause that particular word has been one of my favorites to use since around 2008. Oh Tay, I wish you'll end up writing books (in whatever genre you love -- fiction, biographical, a cook book even), cause I just know I'd devour that and make it my whole personality (like I already do with all of your works).

So much happened between 2014 to now. You lost your reputation but came back stronger. You found love. Reputation. Smashed records. Reputation Stadium Tour. Lover. Pandemic. Folklore/Evermore. Smashed records once again. Fearless TV. Red TV. The legendary Eras Tour started. Lost love. Speak Now TV. Found (possible) love again. 1989 TV. All while beating records and winning awards left and right!

I had my fair share of an eventful life as well -- not as eventful as yours though. I never really thought I'd make it to this decade of my life even. I'm just thankful that I decided to stay because had I given up, I wouldn't have been able to witness the new heights you've propelled yourself to! I cannot imagine not getting to hear the lyrical masterpieces in Folklore and Evermore! Nor would I have been able to hear all the freaking vault songs!! That would've been such a tragedy! Reputation could've been my last Taylor Swift album.

There were so many moments in my life wherein I wanted to just bow it out, and the only thing that kept me from cutting the thread of my own life is the exact thought: "You got to stay, Tay has more albums to release." And boy am I glad I pushed through! See. You kept me alive and breathing!

So yes. I am thankful and grateful for you. More than you can ever comprehend. It's not just because of your songs, but just you... yourself. I really don't get why people hate you, Tay. You just radiate "good person" energy. You don't deserve all the crap they throw at you. Yes, you're imperfect, but you definitely belong to the better people category in this Earth. I wish they can just stop. Why can't we all just live in love and peace, right?

Anyway. Once again, Thank You! I hope you'll have a good Thanksgiving! I know things are not so great right now. I do pray to the forces up there to keep you safe and surround you with love.

Love you, Taylor! Forever and always! I absolutely have been having the time of my life fighting dragons with you!

[pensandlakes]

Dear @taylorswift ,

I think I might be making this a habit now. Idk. I know you're probably never reading any of this as you don't even come here anymore. But this just has a loooot more "space" than X does. Speaking of, finally made a twitter (x??) Stan account for you. Haaaah. I don't even know why I held off for soooo long. I am utterly regretful! I looove the handle I chose as well -- very folklore coded! But I barely have friends there. Must be the millenial in me finding it hard to blend in with the younger ones.

I hope you are doing better, Tay. This weekend hasn't been any tinge of easy for you. My empath heart hurts for you. I find myself looking at the sky ever so often the past few days, asking the universe to please keep you safe and surrounded with love, and block you from all the negativity that has been thrown your way.

You did amazing (as usual)! My heart almost went into disarray when you said you were playing a song from Debut during that first night. Every single time you play something from Debut, I collapse. That album just means soooo much to me. Basically a time capsule filled with memories of my younger years in highschool. My friends and I (crazy how they still are my bestfriends after 17 years) always have a grand time reminiscing and singing songs from your first album -- I'm Only Me When I'm With You is our go-to thankfulforthefriendship jam! Above all of the songs, Mary's Song (Oh My My My) is my achilles' heel. She's my #1 baby. The sentimental value that song holds for me? Immeasurable! So god help me when you decide to play that song in the surprise song session. It's been a lifelong dream of mine to hear you sing it live with my own two years. Every single week, I have NEVER failed to watch a grainy livestream of the tour, and every single week, I get so anxious when you sit on that piano.

Please excuse my grammar though. My pen has been out of commission for years now. It still needs a little priming.

Oh, Taylor. I am sending you the biggest virtual hug possible. I better stop here. Real life awaits.

Love you, forever and always!

VM 🌖

[pensandlakes]

I will stay <3

@taylorswift , I hope you know that this is not your fault. Nobody wanted this to happen. I will stay. Forever and always. If you'll only have one fan left in this world, it's going to be me. You don't know me, as I don't hold any big Taylor Swift fan account and I live on the other side of the world. But I have been here... watching and supporting you. Just made this tumblr to tell you that I love you. Till the end of this lifetime and possibly the next.

You stayed with me when I was but a naïve 13 year old in 2007 just starting to try to find a place in this world, now I'm in my 3rd decade and thriving. And who was there with me through it all? You. So I will hold my promise and I will stand by you forever.

I can't comprehend what you're feeling right now. All I can ever hope is that you are surrounded by love. Take time off. Do what you need to do. The real swifties will still be here. Waiting for you.... as we have always been.

Love you, Taylor. I won't go anywhere. You once asked us who will stay, I assure you, I will.