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“Flower Crowns”

An Alien Stage fic

RELATIONSHIP: Mizi/Sua

SUMMARY: Mizi sees herself in ANAKT Garden once again. Scared and confused, she couldn't remember how she got here, but she wanted out. But with Sua by her side, did she really want to leave?

Mizi wonders what makes a human; is it physical, emotional, or spiritual? Or was it belief that makes a human? To pray, to yearn for something greater? Mizi craved to be a human, so all she would do is believe.

WARNINGS: Major character death, canon character death, angst, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, codependency, religious imagery and symbolism, PTSD, trauma, grief/mourning, philosophy-ish, contemplating humanity

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Amateur author here! I created this for my college class (with a few editing to make it more Alien Stage, it was still originally a MiziSua story though.) Written as a character and relationship study for Mizi and Sua but may be ooc whoops. There is a lot of philosophical and religious imagery in this so be warned. Also, this is my first Tumblr post/fic, and my first fanfiction in literal years! Please enjoy, and if there's any problems please let me know, thank you!

Also posted on AO3:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/65710690

“Flower Crowns”

When Mizi set her eyes on the bright sky, she could feel a terrible headache manifest. Her knees buried themselves into the grass, it felt like millions of needles were stabbing into her skin. The pale girl ignored the touch, but she only wished she could feel its pain… In the past, Mizi eagerly awaited to see the sky time and time again. She loved to roll down the meadow, her long pink hair selfishly stealing blades of grass, to chase her friends in a game of tag, to doze off in the sunset. But now the sky seemed hazy, so fake. She wanted to stop breathing, to wake up from this nightmare. Inhale. Mizi grabbed her throat, prying her fingernails into her skin. Pray. Pray to stop the breathing, the torture of inhaling. She desperately searched for the pain, her eyes pricked with tears. She never wanted to come back to this place, and the trauma that went along with it. Mizi wanted to disappear.

A soft hand was placed on her head, and Mizi could feel herself take sharp breaths. Her glazed eyes shifted to the left, sharing a gaze with coal ones. She froze. How could she forget? Her skin flushed pink, stuttering out apologies that raced out her lips.

“I’m sorry.” Sua examined her carefully, her hand rubbing Mizi’s scalp.

“Are you okay?”

“I… Yeah– Yeah, I am.” She wiped the sweat dripping off her face. Sua hums, looking down at her hands; crimson flowers soaked with sweat, Mizi’s fingerprints indented from her past action. Sua frowns.

“You messed them up, I thought you were an expert in making flower crowns…” She teases, Mizi scoffs.

“The real expert is Till.” Sua pouts, her fingers coiling around Mizi’s cheeks.

“You’re great at it too, I always love your flower crowns.” The pink-haired girl’s face reddens, her hands lifting to clutch Sua’s. Sharing eye contact, their hands intertwine. It felt so intimate, so warm– Mizi felt like she was going to explode into tiny hearts. She sucks in a breath,

“Let’s just forget about this, I’ll grab more– I’ll be right back.” Mizi stands up abruptly and heads towards a field of red flowers.

“Are you really okay?” Sua furrows her brows, Mizi doesn't answer.

The fresh clematis are in full bloom, gracing the field with vibrant red. Mizi’s hair gracefully flows in the wind, a chill runs down her spine– not by the wind, no. It’s the clematis coating the meadow in crimson; red, red, red, red– it’s all spilling out. She clenches her teeth and shuts her eyes. Shut up, just forget about it, she repeats. Forget about what? She can’t remember. With a large inhale and false bravery, she snatches as many flowers as possible before she can break down. Appear strong, always be strong in front of her. When were you ever strong? You’re so weak, you couldn’t even– shut up. Just, shut up. Her arms fall limp, gazing into the bright blue sky once more, weaknesses, is that human? Was she even human? Her flesh, bones, blood, and face, were human; but did that truly make her human? What makes a human? Their physiological form or mind? She doesn’t know. Her knowledge of humans was limited, but one thing she knew was belief. Mizi was never one for prayer, raised in a household void of Gods. But maybe, if she believed in something, in someone, she would be human. Mizi trudges back to Sua’s location, their favorite spot, a tree where they’re shaded by the angular maroon branches. Mizi smiled softly, remembering the times she went stargazing with Sua under the same tree. They would lay under the colorful constellations side by side. The pink-haired girl would dumbly point at random stars and ask, “Is that Earth?” She laughs under her breath and winces, those memories, these moments would never happen again, Mizi contemplated.

“Welcome back,” Sua greeted, “how was the trip? You took your sweet time.” Ah, did she take long?

“Sorry.”

“I was joking,” she gives a reassuring smile, “no need to apologize.” Mizi struggled but eventually smiled back.

“I got the flowers,” she says, “your favorite.”

“Aren’t they yours?” Mizi falters, aren't they?

“I–”

“Don’t worry, I love them too.” Sua reassures her. She gulps down the bundle of spit clogging her throat and sits back down in her spot. Mizi makes quick work with the clematis, looping the stems and fluffing the petals.

“Have you heard from Ivan?” Ivan? “Or Till?” Has she… What happened?

“I don’t know…” What happened to them? “I never heard you talk about them before, much less look their way.” Mizi jokes. Why can’t she remember?

“I’m just worried, I haven’t seen them for a long time. And they’re your friends too, are they not?” Sua pouts. Mizi believes they’re okay… She wants to believe they were okay? Wait, why should she want to, they are fine… right? Mizi opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. Cold sweat adorned her face. Why can’t she remember? Mizi feels cold. She wanted to scream until her face turned red, to rip these red flowers into shreds, to bash her head against a tree until she could only see red. It’s freezing. Why can’t she remember? She wanted to cry and drown in her sorrows. Mutilate herself until she receives a sign from God out of pity.

She pauses, rolling the sanguine petal between her thumb and finger. God. She wants to believe. God. She already believes. Her God. Her fingers weave through the crimson petals as if it were a dance. She sneakily glances at Sua, who is absentmindedly braiding stems, though not as expertly as Mizi.

Sua. Her breaths slow to a rhythm. A delightful feeling lights up in her chest, lighting her heart ablaze. It felt so comforting, like she was waltzing with these feverish flames. If she could suffocate in the heat, she would still repeat her name repeatedly– as if it were devotion. Sua, Sua, Sua. Mizi protectively clenched the flowers close to her chest, as if it were to wither away at the softest breeze. She lovingly gazed at Sua, her olive skin, her short ebony hair, her eyes that hold stars in the moonlight; as if she was the universe herself. She… was so beautiful. Mizi wanted this moment to last forever. No. She pauses. This isn’t it. This isn’t right. This isn’t–

“This isn’t real.” Mizi realizes and clenches her teeth, Sua hums.

“How so?”

“You’re dead.”

Sua lightly grins.

“You’re dead– I saw you die, I held you in my arms, I felt your cold body– your warm blood... Every day, I kept trying to wash them off, but I still saw red.” Mizi’s voice cracks. It feels like hell.

“Sorry for lying,” Sua giggled, for a second Mizi believed she was a demon.

“Why?” She wanted to scream, to get angry with veins bubbling up in fury. But Mizi could never curse her out, no, she would rather get punched or stabbed than yell to her face.

“I wanted this sweet dream to last longer.” Mizi frowns. So, was this all a lie? She was tired of being lied to. “This dream was conjured by your regrets; you’re still mourning.”

Mizi hums and blanks on the crimson flowers splayed on her palms; she is disgusted. Disgusted at her eyes, her hair, her skin, the skin splattered in blood– her blood. Mizi is repulsed for how she stood by; how powerless she was at the time. She wishes she was strong before, is she strong now? Or is that a lie she told herself? She was scared, always has been scared. Ever since she stepped foot in that god-forbidden place, she was afraid. But that hell was where she met her; her God, her universe. She was so beautiful, a gem she wished to flaunt yet protect in a glass case. Sua’s voice sounded like bell chimes; Mizi daydreamed of having her name fall out of her lips. Mizi could perfectly carve out her face on a stone by memory. Mizi would get down on her knees, her forehead kissing the ground if allowed. She would worship the ground she walks, bless the same air she breathes, worship made her feel human; and god, did she want to feel human.

“I should’ve done more.” Her voice crackled, Mizi’s world was collapsing around her. She tried composing herself, she really did try, but Mizi always wore her heart on her sleeve.

“You survived, and that’s enough.” Sua faintly smiles at her, then Mizi breaks down into sobs. After all this, did she still wish to live? Mizi cries every time she remembers that day, that place; the white gowns and the steel collars that clamp around the neck. The constricting metal haunts her; Mizi would feverishly scratch her neck making it bloody and raw, to make her body forget the feeling, even if it was temporary.

“What should I do?” She sniffles and chokes back the sobs.

“Since we were young, I’ve always sheltered you from the truth.” Sua starts, “Stunted you from growth and progress. Now you are free from the chains I hold… You must go.”

“No! You can’t leave me– not again, please.” Mizi pleads, tears rolling down her cheeks. She wept and begged, hoping these tears would satiate Sua’s thirst enough to make her stay.

“You must live, for me– for everyone. Life is too short to throw away.” Sua painfully smiles. How hypocritical of her. To spout these words as if they were scripture, but if redirected to herself it would be sin. She stands up from her spot and holds her hand out for Mizi to grasp, light illuminating her body. “If the world becomes your enemy, fight like you’ve always had.” Wiping away her tears, Mizi reached out, and her fingertips touched Sua’s skin; she felt so cold, but despite that, Mizi never felt so warm. Sua pulled Mizi up from the grassy pits, the area shifting and changing, the blurriness still present. She led her to a voided area of nothing but blank white. Is this where she wakes up?

“Waking up is scary, the real world is terrifying” Mizi lamented, “There’s a revolution to obtain our right to exist, a fight for our rights to live. Only society could change through war and bloodshed. And I wish to see our victory to the end.” She smiles placidly, the now dry tears staining her cheeks. Mizi nuzzles her head close to Sua’s, an intimate action shared only between them. Sua reciprocates, holding her close. The warmth invades their bodies, if able, they would drown in each other. Mizi lets go, quietly stepping closer to the void, turning back to see Sua with a sorrowful expression.

“I’m sorry I lied, I only wanted to protect you. Now I know it was a mistake.” Sua pursed her lips, “My feelings were selfish, I wanted to keep you all to myself, lied to keep my faith. My obsession only made you suffer, unprepared in the face of death.” Mizi opened her mouth to argue but shut it. “You were so pure and fragile; it determined me to live on and escape this hell by your side.” Sua was selfish, she used Mizi’s naivety to her advantage. So, she threw a veil over Mizi’s head as if it was a shield. Fed her lies to keep her going, Sua didn’t know if they were for her or Mizi. Sua would become a sinner, be the devil at Mizi’s side if it meant her survival. She was never strong, but she knew Mizi could cling to life better compared to her. Even if life was a thin string digging into her skin, Mizi would hold on with blubbering tears and a smile. So, Sua went and sacrificed herself for her sake, because Sua knew she wouldn’t have survived long if it was Mizi who had died instead.

“I don’t think I’m strong enough for this.” Mizi's heart breaks, maybe she wasn’t cut out for this.

“You’re so strong, always have been,” Sua comforted her, “I would have never dreamt to do the same things you’ve done.” She sighs, “I will not hold you back anymore… Mizi, leave.” Mizi stares with wide eyes, is this really it? Would she ever see Sua again?

“I’ll never see you again.” Mizi says, “Are you really okay with this?”

“Please…” Sua whimpers while shedding tears. Mizi had never seen her cry before. Sua always had a nonchalant facade to appear strong to Mizi, but she saw herself as a nuisance. “This is the most selfish thing I ask…”

“... Alright.” Mizi quietly replies, and with a nod she faces the light. She clutched the sanguine flowers like a lifeline. “When my time is up… Will you wait for me?” Mizi wished this wouldn’t be the end, even if this was a dream, she prayed to God for a reunion. Silence. Mizi sucks in the cold air through her chattered teeth, and after a few beats of stillness she moves forward. The world seemed brighter, more vibrant as she stepped closer and closer. She stops as she hears a voice. A voice barely audible, so soft, but Mizi would always be there to listen,

“I’ll be waiting.”

Mizi gasped; that phrase was the same promise Sua pledged to her right before their round. Mizi was anxious then, her heart restless viewing the anticipating crowd. Sua comforted Mizi, swearing she will be right by her side waiting, even if she won or lost. Mizi remembered their quiet touches and sweet whispers, those memories becoming ghostly brushes on her skin. She couldn’t help but sob once more. Mizi looked back, but Sua was gone; her world disappeared without remains, the clematis started to wilt.

Mizi held the crimson petal close to her chest, as it would wither away at the softest breeze, and only then she felt human. With a deep breath, Mizi closed her eyes.