penixels

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my favourite catlover coffeemaniac sleep deprived nightmare

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“F-E-A-R has two meanings: ‘Forget Everything And Run’ or ‘Face Everything And Rise.’ The choice is yours.”

— Zig Ziglar

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Can I haunt you? Like romantically.

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I can't stand the idea of having to hold back love or care less. It bothers me because I shouldn't ever feel like that when my natural state is to love fully and care deeply without limits.

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Not to flirt but I would make you food in the middle of the night if you ask me to.

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personally I am a fan of the headcanon that dunmer fire resistance = ungodly levels of spice tolerance. just eating the tamriel equivalent of like ghost peppers and shit straight faced.

conversely, irl cats cannot process capsaicin so I think it would be funny if khajiit are the biggest babies when it comes to spicy food. sniffs 1 jalapeño and makes the stinky face

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I wish I could have saved more 😭 scribbled out any names or faces though lmao.

The way I wish I could do this every night..

I keep thinking about how I've been saying I miss sleepovers where you and your friends stay up until 4am laughing at stupid shit, and how I wish I could have that as an adult.

My local friend group were on call last night, doing just that. Being childish as all hell. Laughing at the discord soundboard, dying at that magic Mike song, playing with the whiteboard feature, roasting each other.

It was so healing. To just have fun together like we were kids, even though we're all in our 20s and 30s. I love my friends so much.

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I keep thinking about how I've been saying I miss sleepovers where you and your friends stay up until 4am laughing at stupid shit, and how I wish I could have that as an adult.

My local friend group were on call last night, doing just that. Being childish as all hell. Laughing at the discord soundboard, dying at that magic Mike song, playing with the whiteboard feature, roasting each other.

It was so healing. To just have fun together like we were kids, even though we're all in our 20s and 30s. I love my friends so much.

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✍️

My two best friends expressing their frustration with me isn't something I could have taken years ago. I keep replaying Sunday in my head, how I helped my best friend clean her house and she forced me to take breaks and told me to stop apologizing for not doing more. Both she and my roommate told me it's frustrating to witness how no matter what, I'm always working. I'm a busybody, I don't stop and when I do stop, I always feel the need to "make up" for it.

With everything that's been unfolding for the past two or three years? I'm realizing the conflict within my family will never leave. I will never fully heal as long as I am in this city, in this place. I've not posted on my socials that they have and I've had my phone on do not disturb since my dog passed.

Yet they're still there. There's always the fear of running into them in public, they know where I live, and they know how to knock me down.

My loan is paid off, and the temptation to take a loan out and leave is very strong. Of course, I won't give in to impulses, but I feel some big changes on the horizon, both being made by me and things coming to me. Whatever it is, I'm honestly ready. I've already made so many changes, I'm ready to say goodbye to the place I've spent my life. I'm ready to drop my family name and be me. I'm ready to be free

I'm still in the process of forgiving myself for locking myself away. For stifling my personality and creativity. I know it was for my safety and comfort, but I was never happy, even if I seemed it. But I'm realizing I was never safe or comfortable either.

And I never will be here. I'll never be safe, comfortable, or happy here. Believe me, I've tried.

It's eye opening as well when you break down and tell your friends your thoughts on just buying a ticket and leaving with nothing, instead of telling me I'm crazy or irrational, they understand. They tell me to slow down, breathe, and that they will do what they can to help.

I'm so grateful for them. I'm so grateful that my best friends love me enough to confront me and make me see things I don't. I'm grateful that they love me enough to know, while they'd miss me if I was gone, they want me out of here because they want to see me happy for once.

After all, the past ten years I've always said it was my dog keeping me here. It's hard enough to find places to rent with a dog, moreso when he's a large "scary" breed.

I think I'll spend the rest of today decompressing. Journaling, maybe a tarot spread if I have the energy. But.. I'm so overwhelmed, but ready to start over. A new place, a new name, a new life. The things that my inner child has been screaming for. Safety and comfort.

My parents may have failed me, my family failed me, but I can parent that girl that deserved better. I'll protect her the way none of the adults ever did. I'll nourish her creativity and imagination. I'll continue loving her the way she needed, and that includes getting her out of a place she isn't safe.

As hard as 2025 has been, maybe it truly is my year. Maybe all this bad stuff is the universe's way of telling me there's nothing in this place for me anymore.

I'm so overwhelmed. But I've been through hell as a child, I can handle all of this as an adult. I'm not failing myself anymore. I'm done finding silver linings along a dumpster fire when I can get out of this dark alley and be elsewhere. Maybe actually heal enough physically and mentally to hold a job again. Support myself from nothing the way I did at 17.

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for @friend-of-giants Wren and Teldryn

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NEVER STOP BEING OBSESSED WITH YOUR OCS 🫵

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I've never had such a bad problem with dry eyes like I have the past year.

I don't even know why it's an issue in the first place, I live in a fairly humid place.

Such a nuisance 😮‍💨

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pokébabies pt. 3

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It's a Tanlorin but personal ramble that's far too long ✍️

Honestly I didn't think I'd find such comfort in Tanlorin.

Maybe a tad vain, but I earned it. It's so healing to see a character that's so much like you (solely in terms of personality) and see people in the fandom admire traits that I had locked away in myself.

Of course I see the polarizing opinions, but it doesn't bother me much. And somehow, that in itself is healing. Who needs everyone's approval anyway? I learned young I'd never get approval from my mother's side of the family. It hurt, but I think it made me stronger today.

I've only felt this kind of comfort from one other character though how that ends breaks my heart ultimately.

I feel less silly about my love for flowers. I remember when I used to work in a flower shop, how the women told me within a week I'd never want to see flowers again, yet I only grew to love and appreciate them more. I miss prepping flowers for bouquet arrangements, I miss delivering the flowers. The way people's faces would light up when I'd hand them their arrangements? Unbeatable. I miss that job some days, even if it was taxing at times. (Loved the flowers, but the grumpy ladies I worked with could be draining.)

I've been taking care of flowers in my house again this year. I regret that when my mental health tanked, I let all of my flowers die. I just didn't have the energy or drive to care and what little energy and stability I had was spent on my dog. I still feel a little guilt over it, but what's done is done. I can give my love and dedication to my flowers now, and with both getting back into my practice and new hobbies? Shed leaves and petals from bloom cycles have use.

Maybe it's cheesy, but it's like I'm putting more of myself into my crafts, spellwork, art, whatever. I may have lost a lot, but I'm finding myself. All through a stupid character I bullied relentlessly my first playthrough of their quests. (Don't come for me, a lot of my favorites start off with me bullying them)

It's been a while since a character lit a fire in me, but this is the first time it was completely unexpected. Maybe part of it is the timing, where I am in my life? Maybe grief has me more sensitive than usual. Maybe it's where I learned about this oaf. Maybe it's just how uncanny the similarities were. The first character I had this with was uncanny, but just looking at her? Expected.

My brain is mush and I'm tired. But this dumb little character has been healing in so many ways. Between making peace with myself, processing grief, and doing the things I love plus some new things. Hell, I'm falling in love with so many forms of art and expression all over again, if it wasn't clear by this long ass post. I'm even writing again, after being in a dry spell for far too long. The sheer amount of ideas and inspiration is overwhelming, but so freeing.

The only downside is I've neglected socializing, but I'm easing back into it.

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Copycat by The New Division has been rotting in my brain for months now (maybe almost a year at this point) and thanks to Lilivina, I finally have a character I can apply it to.

Especially since ive pushed myself out of my comfort zone of being solely a magic user and gave her knives.