pearlnwade

[pearlnwade]

LEMONADE

I have often considered myself beautiful and attractive; but not on days like this. Welcome to the real-world Olly.

I’d always been excited about NYSC because it was my only way out from my father’s house. I’ll have the opportunity to move to a different state—far from Lagos —and gain a great level of independence. Really, that was all I wanted, and at the beginning, it seemed like a perfect plan.

On the 8th of January 2019, at about 7am, I got what was long coming—the official end of my already dead relationship. If I’m being honest, I’d seen it coming from a mile away. So when it finally happened, I didn’t even know how to react. There was just complete uncertainty and it literally sent chills down my spine. The 8th of January was also the day I was leaving for Abuja, to start my NYSC —the next and exciting chapter in my life. Sadly, the dream of going through this phase of life with a partner to share it all with, was now nothing but shards of a beautiful glass. I got on a plane to Abuja that evening and convinced myself that I was going to be alright, I’m a strong woman after all. But honestly, I wasn’t even close to it. And one thing I was sure of is: no matter how much you try to hide your feelings and lie to everyone that you are okay, YOU JUST CAN’T LIE TO YOURSELF.

The 9th of January 2019 was initially dedicated to rounding up my NYSC registration, but everything took a wrong turn when my phone got stolen. I rushed to the Airtel office to get my sim disabled, but they said that they couldn’t do it unless I swore an affidavit. Can things just get any worse? Yes, it just began.

On the 10th of January 2019, I went to the court to get a sworn affidavit. Before going there, I withdrew 3k, just in case I need to pay for whatever was required. But little did I know it was a wrong move. After I got my affidavit, I followed my friend to Jos — I had planned to do this for a while—I needed somewhere to cool off. You know, blow off some steam. I love Jos for one particular reason: cheap and beautiful nails! It's crazy how affordable it is compared to other parts of Nigeria and I really wanted to do my nail. Like I said, blowing off some steam.

The next morning, I arrived at the salon and of course, I picked the best style. I had N2,200 with me, and the total of my nails cost N2,400. So, I told the nail artist that I had only N2,200 cash that I didn’t want to spend my entire cash at hand. I also made her understand that I’d have transferred to her, but I couldn’t send money because I had no phone. To ease her worry, I told her to hold on to my purse and N2,000 of the total amount I had; I was going to get a keke ride to the ATM to withdraw some cash. When I got to the ATM, I made the request to be dispensed N3,000 and the response was “insufficient funds”. I was confused. I made a second request for N1,000 and it said the same thing. Now, in the midst of strangers I was about to just lose it. I decided to check the total of what was in my account and I saw N4. Wait what! Four naira? It’s a joke right? Everything I felt that day is like a scar in my skin right now, because as I type these words, I feel the rush all over. Anyway, I put myself together and went home. Basically, I had no relationship, no phone and no money—all within 3 days. Wondering if I didn’t pay for those nails? Well, thankfully, I did. My friend helped me pay the rest for the nails. God bless you Emily. My trip back to Abuja that Sunday was a reflective one. And the worst part was I felt that I deserved every single thing that happened to me. Did I?

I indulged in a couple of dates afterwards: to remind or convince myself that I could still be desired by men; anything to find value in an empty space. I was broken, but tried my best to keep working— it’s how I have been programmed to act, since I was a girl. On days like this, I didn’t feel beautiful. I felt stuck, like there was a bottomless pit of lacking that I desperately wanted to fill. I didn’t feel smart and I didn’t trust anyone.

My ex came to Abuja, (we had reconnected a couple weeks before he arrived) so I had my hopes up that things were going to get a lot better. But it didn't. Infact, I had never felt that disrespected in my life, I felt so little and helpless. “Certain things happen for things to get better”- Olly. Hold on to that quote because I sure didn’t. I know that if I did, my emotions would have been more defined to make me stronger not to break me down.

“It’s time to move out of (my ex’s friend’s) house” my ex told me before he left for Lagos. To avoid further humiliations and belittling, and to keep my boss babe rep, I told him that I had a place to stay. But I didn’t. I had no single idea where I was going to stay. That Sunday when he left, I decided that I was going to call a couple people and if push comes to shove, I will rent my own place. The push came to shove and I started pulling funds—from my parents and my brother really. I raised enough money just for the house rent. The cost of ordinary foam to sleep on was yet unaffordable. I was so sad, continuously asking myself if coming to Abuja was the best option for me.

On a special Wednesday, I had to leave the house that I was staying in, after having packed all my things in less than 15 minutes. By exactly 9:56pm, I entered my cab with my luggage, on the move in the middle of the night looking for where I could rest my head. Now, I had a couple options, unfortunately, 99% of them wanted to sleep with me, but my 1% was Diamond. She did a lot for me throughout my early stay in Abuja. She was my go-to girl and of course she had my back on days like this. I stayed with her for about five days but had to leave. I had already spent more than N30,000 in search for a house and I still did not have one. I was frustrated and desperate to find a house and I did. You know that phrase “do not make any decision when you are desperate’, I didn’t follow it. I paid for a bad house that I would have spent more than N200,000 to renovate before even buying my bed. I lost N40,000, and because I was losing so much money and wanted a way out, I lost an additional N120,000. At this point, I still didn’t have a house. What is my next step? I thought. I felt no love and zero trust in anyone. Like no one!

MY LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

People always use the phrase “though trouble lasts all night, joy comes in the morning”. I got a phone call on a very special Sunday night. It was my mum telling me that it only gets better, and I am to move into Justice’s house. What?! For real? Everything since then has been sweet and smooth. The end is pretty amazing. I am still looking for the guy that’ll sweep me off my feet, make me feel safe and loved. I am quite happy; and for the first time in a long time, things are finally working out for me. I am still healing, I mean, it takes time, but I am healing. There are parts of this story that weren't typed in this article, but if you ask me out and buy me a drink after this lockdown, I might consider telling you the juicy, intimate details.

I went through most of this without Jesus; I always forget that He is a constant. He was meant to be my constant not anyone else.

Cheers to happiness.

[pearlnwade]

A great person must write

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p>p>Now you can look at this from two different perspectives 1. Must you write to be great? 2. Why is it only great people that must write? There are so many potential hidden in every individual. Big, small, young and old but the thing about this all is that we all have a very active willing spirit but the flesh is weak. We hear of great people and the most common thing about them is either they wrote or they are being written about but the best of them write! Great men write because they have vision and they have the knowledge that if the world needs to move this vision has to be shared. The thing about all this is that this is like a circle, a great man writes a book a man reads and becomes great then writes his own book and another reads and becomes great. The best type of greatness is that which is backed up with the wisdom of God and even God wrote through men and it is through his words that lives are being changed. The world will be a better place if great men keep writing and the world has to be a better place. That is why great men must write.