peachi-journal

[peachi-journal]

not my proudest moment...

[peachi-journal]

entry 9

i wish i hadnt been too scared to jump off that bridge i wish id stayed in west virginia with the bugs i wish i was dead i wish i was never born i wish i had never left florida in the first place why did i leave why did i leave things were finally going ok and i left it all behind to get abused by someone even scarier than my mom i left my friends and i left my pets and i left my house i left my room that i lived in my entire life and i love that room i miss it every day i dont have anything left i dont have ANYTHING i cant take it anymore i cant keep it together i want to die i want to go to the river and

[peachi-journal]

Entry #8: to be unloved

March 24, 2022 Current time: Afternoon Current Mood:

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Having someone you considered a good friend tell you that not only are you not friends, but that they and your entire friend group have nothing good to say about you...I don't think I've ever been told anything so painful. I know it's my fault...but I really thought things were getting better. I thought maybe things might go back to the way they used to. I was hoping, anyway.

What now? How do I go about my life knowing that everyone I know could be lying to my face that we're friends? That they care about me? They could easily be lying because they're afraid of me. Or they just don't want to rock the boat, or something. Everyone I talk to, I find myself thinking that their kindness is entirely false.

I should have jumped off that bridge.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #7: ugh

March 23, 2022 Current Time: Night Current Mood:

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trigger warning: mentions of self harm

I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning. I don’t want to, either. The thought of eating anything makes me want to throw up, even if I’m in physical pain because of it. Good. I deserve the pain it’s bringing me anyway. I deserve worse than this, but this is the only thing I can do to myself that won’t arouse suspicion. If I’m being perfectly honest, I crave the touch of a razor blade against my skin…I want to see my filthy, disgusting blood drip onto the linoleum of my bathroom floor. But, I don’t want to worry anyone. That’s the opposite of what I want to do. So I lied to my roommates and said I ate some eggs.

This is the first step, isn’t it? Punishment. I’ve been a bad person, I deserve to be punished for it. I deserve an empty, gnawing feeling in my stomach. I don’t deserve to have the luxury of letting the pain I’m feeling drip out through my blood. If nobody else will punish me for my deeds, then this is what I’ll do instead. I’ll begin to associate my behavior with hunger. I’ll be kinder, I’ll turn back the clock to when I was kinder.

Maybe it doesn’t make sense to someone else. It makes perfect sense to me. My own self-destruction makes perfect sense to me.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #6: Nostalgic for what I hated

October 21, 2021 Current time: Morning Current mood: Conflicted // I think about my hometown sometimes. I’m not actually from Washington - I was born in a little town in central Florida. I spent 17 years of my life in that town, and once I hit about eleven years old, I grew to hate it. All I wanted was to get out, and I know that if I went back, I’d still hate it. But still, I catch myself thinking about it a lot. I know that town’s roads and shops like the back of my hand - I can perfectly imagine any spot in my hometown and how to get to it from what was once my home. 

I miss main street, and I miss the springs that were absolutely impossible to get into on a summer day. I miss the friends I’d finally been able to make in high school, before I had to drop out. I know it’s no use dwelling on the past, but it’s okay to miss the good things, I think. 

I sometimes catch myself looking at my hometown on Google Maps. It’s a bit unusual, I know, but it’s nice to look at Google Maps and know exactly where the place I’m looking at IS.

I lived in Yakima until last month, and though it wasn’t the worst place I’ve lived, I’ve had more than enough of city life (though, Yakima just barely qualifies as a city...). It’s so loud, and people were just awful. I enjoy the quiet of Ellensburg - but I do worry about how long it will last.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #5 - Ow

September 22, 2021 Current time: Late Night Current mood: Achey

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I fell again today. I collapsed in the bathroom, luckily I was just washing my hands. My ankle is getting worse lately. It’s to the point that i can’t walk without pain anymore, which scares me. I’m not exactly sure what I’m gonna do about it. I don’t even know if there’s anything I can do in the first place. It’s not like I can afford to be seen by a doctor or anything. But as my ankle gives up on me, I keep realizing that eventually I might not have any choice. 

I’m insanely lucky that our new apartment complex was accommodating - they gave us a ground floor apartment when I asked, which has lots of accessibility features. My boyfriend is excited about the small porch we have, honestly I’m just excited that there’s a bench in the shower. I feel guilty though, because I’m technically not disabled, since my ankle is probably fixable. This apartment, though it’s wonderful, could have gone to someone who needed it more. I just hurt. My ankle hurts, and I feel like shit.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #4 - Nothing

August 30, 2021 Current time: Early Morning Current mood: Nothing

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It’s pretty uncommon that I feel such an overwhelming emptiness. My mind is usually such a confusing and fast-moving slurry of emotions that when there’s nothing there, it’s unnerving. Calm, yes, but it’s like the kind of calm before a big thunderstorm, where the air is stagnant and hot. Except the thunderstorm doesn’t come, instead it just...stays that way.

It’s dangerous for me, as well. Because it feels so awful to feel nothing, I end up doing things to try and change it. I’ll go on spending sprees to try and make myself temporarily happy, or sometimes I’ll go the opposite route and instead, go out of my way to make myself feel like shit. Even if it means self-harming. It’s at least better than feeling so empty, or at least that’s what I think in the moment. I usually end up regretting it once I start feeling better.

I don’t even try to understand my own emotions anymore. I’ve basically become a slave to the way I feel, much to the disappointment of a lot of the people in my life. It’s not the most responsible way to live, but it’s the only way I’ve been able to survive. My thoughts tangle together like old yarn until I barely understand them, and while my emotions aren’t much better, they’re at least easier to follow. I don’t have to understand why I feel a certain way about something. I just have to understand that I feel that way, and avoid or get more of the thing that made me feel that way. It’s easier.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #3 - The Sisters & Such Groupchat

August 24, 2021 Current time: Morning Current Mood: Tired // When I was seventeen, I ran a Mob Pyscho 100 parody account. Specifically, it was for Hanazawa. It’s been a while, so I don’t really remember the exact name of the account, nor would I share it on this blog anyway. But I ended up making friends with other accounts I’d interact with, which ended up with us all making a group chat. It had a lot of names, but one of the ones that sticks out to me the most is Sisters and Such.

I have fond memories of that groupchat, and everyone in it. We mostly referred to one another as the character we were parodying, since it was easier. So, I was called Teruki, or Teru. I was particularly close to Mob and Ritsu, funnily enough. 

Like a lot of friendships I’ve had though, it eventually fizzled out, and the groupchat is still abandoned. I don’t have the heart to leave it, though, even though it’s been almost two years since it was created. Maybe, deep down, I hope that by some stroke of luck, it’ll revive itself somehow. That maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to spend time with them all again. I doubt it, though - the majority of the parody accounts are abandoned, including mine, and Ritsu vanished entirely last year - his personal twitter, suspended. And his discord, deleted. I worry about him a lot. I genuinely hope he’s alright.

I wonder if maybe one of the former Sisters & Such members are reading this. If they are, will they even remember me? If they do, do they remember me as fondly as I remember them? Do you still have access to the old Minecraft server? I lost the screenshots.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #2 - Picky

August 13, 2021 Current time: Late afternoon Current mood: Hungry

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I have an...interesting relationship with food. I love to cook, and I love making different types of food, but I’m so painfully picky. I wish I wasn’t - it’s to the point that if I’m craving a certain food, and there’s no way to get my hands on it, I just won’t eat, because the thought of anything else disgusts me. Right now is the perfect example - I really badly want Burger King, but we can’t afford it. So I took a nap instead of eating anything. I’ve checked the fridge and everything, but I feel sick just looking at the food that I usually enjoy. I wish I wasn’t like this.

I feel guilty about it, considering how I spent a good portion of my teen years. For a while, there wasn’t a lot of food in the house, whether it was because we couldn’t afford it or because my mom just didn’t feel like grocery shopping, so I’d eat almost anything you put in front of me because I was constantly hungry. It’s only now that I live on my own, and can buy my own food that I’ve got this weird new pickiness.

I’m hungry - my stomach hurts, and I haven’t eaten a proper meal since yesterday morning. But because it isn’t this specific food, I’m just going to put myself through even more struggle. I hate this. I feel disgusted not just with the food we have, but with myself.

[peachi-journal]

Entry #1 - I feel alone

August 12, 2021 Current time: Evening Current mood: Neutral

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I decided to start this blog because I’ve got no one else to talk to about my problems. I’m gonna use it as like, a diary or a journal or something like that. I guess I just want a place to vent without feeling guilty or nervous about it. Something like that, anyway. 

I guess the best way to start this blog would be some information about myself, since people might actually come across this?

Um, people call me a lot of things, but I mostly go by Peach online. It’s in my normal username, so that’s why. I’m nineteen years old, I’m a pisces, and I’m nonbinary. My pronouns are he/they/it, but truth be told I don’t really care if people call me something else.

I live with my boyfriend and our cat, and we’re moving out of our shared studio apartment in September. I’d talk to my boyfriend about the things that stress me out, but I don’t want to burden him more than I already do.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was thirteen, autism when I was fourteen, and both anxiety and depression after my suicide attempt last June. I was eighteen then. I don’t think I have any super specific triggers, but I don’t like DreamSMP. Talking about it pisses me off, and so do the fans. Maybe that counts.

As for the things I do like, it’s not really a super long list. I like drawing, videogames, music, and...hobbywise, that’s about it. I remember my therapist said I needed to be more well-rounded, back when I had one. I never understood that, because you can’t force yourself to like other things. It’s not for lack of trying to find new hobbies. I just don’t like most of the new things I try.

Foodwise, I’m a little picky, I guess, by most other peoples’ standards. I like cheesecake, and I really like simple foods, like burgers and pizza. American food, basically. I’ve tried my hardest to enjoy more ethnic foods, but most of the time I end up hating them. It sucks, because I want to like them.

I think that’s kind of it. I’m not particularly interesting, or any sort of exciting character. I’m just...kind of here.