peacesignsandlighters

[peacesignsandlighters]

Tripled

[peacesignsandlighters]

This…

[peacesignsandlighters]

In 2010, all I wanted was the freedom to be me, to find out exactly who and what I was.

In 2011 I found the person who matched me on a level I could never be able to explain…. That became a whole journey that wouldn’t make sense to anyone.

In 2012 I lost my mind silently.. I didn’t ask for help… I didn’t even realize it was happening despite the outcries from the people around me

In 2013 I tried to dive head first into doing what I loved while trying to cope with my mental health. I failed miserably and allowed my vices to put me in crazy situations

In 2014 I gave birth to the most beautiful being in this world. Yet I dealt with untreated postpartum and heartbreak. I battled my own mother just to exist.

In 2015 I started my journey in education and I poured everything I had into that. I was actually good at something meaningful.

I’m 2016-17 I struggled to maintain being a mom, a daughter, an educator. I was overwhelmed. My mom made me believe I had failed at every step of the way. I quit and found my second wind at the same time. I was fighting a demon worst than my momma.

In 2018 I fell flat on my ass. I tried picking myself up but I was so internally broken I had no clue what to do.

2019 I started from the bottom. Rock bottom me started putting myself back together and trying grow. I realized how broken I was.

2020 I fell again. I picked myself up again and took advantage of the time off..

2021 I started working harder on me.

2022-2023 I rode the waves and applied the knowledge of my growth.

2024 my son turned 10 and my mother died.

Who am I now and where do I go from here

[peacesignsandlighters]

What the entire fuck!!!!?!?!?

That’s really all I have in my spirit right now…

That one question…

What in the absolute fuck is this shit??!?

[peacesignsandlighters]

I’ve never been more excited about a home cooked meal in my life…

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My friends are celebrating homecoming… I’m preparing for my mom’s home going… it’s not the same

[peacesignsandlighters]

I only want people in my life that make me feel safe. Safe to talk , safe to share, and safe to be myself.

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[peacesignsandlighters]

Chile I need this soon!!

[peacesignsandlighters]

“There’s really no shortcut to forgetting someone. You just have to endure missing them everyday until you don’t anymore.”

— Unknown

[peacesignsandlighters]

Everyday I mask my neurodivergency. That’s normal at this point.

But this has been masking on overload. On steroids!!

I am mentally, physically, and emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I just need to take my hands off the wheel and my foot off the gas for just a moment. The tiniest moment.

This would be a lot for anyone. I know people go through this everyday. There are a million caregivers for a million different people for a thousand different reasons. I understand that. I know that there are hard days for everyone one of them. Unfortunately I just so happen to be one of them. I even acknowledge that it’s even harder for the people we care for.

But for me… for my neurodivergent, adhd having self.. I am drowning… I am fucking drowning. And yet I can’t… I won’t… take my hands off the wheel nor my foot off the gas.. because I know what it looks like when that happens. I know the destruction that follows. I know the pain and the guilt and the shame, all the blame that comes with it and that’s far more than I can handle. That’s way worst than this. I wouldn’t survive that. And I’m barely surviving this.

I’m not complaining for having to do it. In no way shape or form. I am simply acknowledging that I am human, I have feelings, I am overwhelmed, and I really really need help. I need physical support. I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to go into details. All I can say is shouldering all of the day to day responsibilities of this, remembering every detail of every task that needs to be accomplished, hell just simply trying to accomplish 1/4th of it is exhausting. I am one person. My entire world has been flipped on it’s side.. hell flipped upside down in the last 3 months.. we’re just in month 4 of an undetermined timeline of an anomaly. I am this exhausted and it’s only been 3 months. I mean I’ve been exhausted for the majority of my existence but this… this is different. I just need someone to help me. I need another 3 to 10 other me’s. I need someone that doesn’t have the same mental challenges as me.

I need the mental help of processing the fact that my narcissistic mother, who has been my sole provider for my entire life, now needs me to be a caregiver to her. I have been trying to run and escape this hell for 14+ years and now I feel obligated because that’s my mom. That the single mother that stepped up when my father didn’t. That’s the woman who, whether she was physically or emotionally present or not.. more times not, she was the one semi present. I am her only child. It is my sole responsibility to take care of her. Outside of her mother, whose going to do it. And yet I have been the one on the front lines. I have been the one taking all the negativity and abuse these last few months. I get the ugly. I have to endure the painful times. I’m the one that gets blamed. I’m the one that gets verbally and emotionally abused. I am the one that has to take it and keep going.. and yet again.. this isn’t anything new.. I should be used to it but again it’s different now. I need the mental help of having to accept the fact that my last memories of my mother was not that we got it together, not that we mended our relationship, not that I felt her love and respect and proudness… no my last memories are more than likely that I wasn’t enough, that I didn’t do anything right, that I never made any good decisions, that I was lazy and careless and irresponsible. I will have to live whatever days I have left feeling this. I have zero clue of how to heal from that kind of hurt. I know for a fact that it is already changing me for the worst.

Which brings me to emotionally. I have literally shoulder all of this on my own. All the thoughts and emotions. I have both relied on and absolutely undone 5 years worth of healing in 3 months. I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I can remember the last time I smiled and it wasn’t out of momentary politeness. I can’t remember the last time my nervous system felt stable and at peace. Life has completely destructed my support system. I don’t even feel comfortable reaching out anymore and when I do it’s because I am literally at a breaking point and I’m just trying not to jump off the edge. The one person I want to be here can’t or won’t or whatever word fits the moment. There is resentment forming inside of me for so many people. I used to say I just need a hug but honestly, a hug is barely scratching the surface. It’s the feeling of scratching the surface without actually leaving a mark. I need real love and support and PRESENCE right now. And I know that nobody that God has put in my path thus far can give me that. I know that I have to give it to myself. And yet as hard as I’ve been working to give myself grace and love and support… it’s just not the same. Maybe I haven’t mastered it. Maybe I have no clue how to.. because I definitely don’t. But at the end of the day I know it’s a need that screaming to be met and I have zero way of meeting it right now.

This isn’t even a pouring from an empty cup situation anymore… the cup has been dry.. and so is the well that the cup was supposed to get water from. I’m pouring air and hopes and prayers at this point.. empty fucking wishes and desires.

That is all I have. And yet my foot is on the gas and I have a death grip on a wheel that I am not actually steering. I am truly extremely more afraid of who I will be after this that of who I am right now. Or even who I was. I am terrified of what this situation is going to turn me into. I am terrified of what that level of hurt and grief and exhaustion is going to do.. I’m already terrified of who I’ve become thus far.. imagine then.

I genuinely wish someone understood that.

[peacesignsandlighters]

Reality is I just wanted the love that I gave in return.

I didn’t give it as an expectation.

I gave it as a part of my heart.

But I would’ve liked to feel it nonetheless.

I have no idea how to keep going while craving and not receiving it..

But I’m still going..

I just know for a fact that when all of this is said and done, I will have nothing left of me. I will have no parts of me to give.

That’s unfortunate because my heart is enormous!

I cry because I feel so much and there is NO ONE that can feel with me.

I don’t have a support system anymore.

I don’t have love outside of myself and my under age child.

That should be enough but it’s just not.

I’ve been in therapy with myself for years at this point but I have yet to understand how to love myself beyond the current.

I am at a stage where I need to understand HOW to love myself when I empty.

I really need to understand how to love myself without any outside force. I can’t figure it out.

And I’m losing my shit trying to figure it out.

As much as I want to figure it out. I just want to feel loved from the people that I LOVE.

[peacesignsandlighters]

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When all of this is said and done… I just want to see how many people poured love into me the way that I poured love into them…

Right now I’m on empty.

[peacesignsandlighters]

“Getting over it doesn’t mean forgetting it. It just means reducing the pain to a tolerable level, a level that doesn’t destroy you.”

— Kevin Brooks

[peacesignsandlighters]

[peacesignsandlighters]