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paulinagad-blog · 5 years ago

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This is my story.....

My first experience with anxiety was quite frightening. I had just dropped a friend off at home and as i began to drive home something strange came over me. I felt a strange numbing in my mouth and lips, a panic throughout my body and an extreme confusion. I knew i had driven these roads before but for some reason i was lost. I couldn’t recognize where i was and how to navigate home. Eventually as my anxiety subsided i was able to get myself together and home. I was not aware of what just happened to me. My sister explained to me that i was experiencing an anxiety attack. From this day forward my life was never the same.

If i try to rationalize with myself as to what triggered my anxiety i would have to sum it up into two categories. Family/childhood trauma, and a toxic relationship. I grew up in a home that was unstable. Substance abuse was a daily battle for my parents. Constant fighting, instability, and overall a lack of love an affection. My two sisters and i were all affected in our own ways. Luckily we had eachother.

For years following my first attack i was having a hard time just functioning. There was a period in time where i could not drive. I would get into my car and i would lose it. I would panic so severely i had to pull over. On occasion i would leave my car somewhere and be picked up having to return for it with someone at a later time. My 3 year old would ask me mommy what’s wrong and all i could explain was that i was sick. i finally realized i needed to see a doctor. It was then that my doctor diagnosed me with GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) My doctor first prescribed buspiron which did help initially. However if you’re not strict with taking it prefectly and upping your dose to a T, MY GOD the side effects. It was like snap and i was in an alternate reality. I could not tolerate this medication. Drug 2 was Wellbutrin, began with 1 daily for a week and then upped the dose to 2. Wellbutrin made me high. Very high. It did kill my desire to smoke which was great but i was a zombie. Any light at all blinded me. I had headaches. Whenever i was faced with a stressful situation i could barely handle it. My brain just could not function. I felt SO dizzy and drowsy and frankly i was worse then with anxiety. Finally we found a drug that worked for me which was celexa. Whenever i felt anxiety arise BAM it died just like that. I could feel it working & i was able to get back to normal. Well not normal, but not “anxiety paulina”.. who couldn’t drive to the store. Celexa did wonder for years. although the side effects were there. That whole “shut off “ of panic also dulled me. I didn’t enjoy that much.

In 2015 i left my toxic relationship and i moved out of my toxic living situation. Suddenly my celexa began to make me drowsy as if the dose was too high. I did some google research and decided it was time to wean myself off. I was able to successfully wean off in a matter of months. Now when people say it takes TIME to get back to normal, believe them. it took a solid year for me to feel myself again. I vowed to never depend on an ssri again. I will be off my meds 4 years till coming november! HORRAY !!

So fast forward to today. I currently work 50+ hours weekly. I am married 2 years in october. I have a 9 year old and 1.5 year old. Juggling ALL of this has brought my anxiety back full swing. I have never been anxiety free but i was able to manage it. Lately i have been “losing it”. Like overclouded. FOGGY brain, stuck on stupid, irritable, overwhelmed, Anxiety. I said enough. I don’t enjoy smoking weed it actually just makes my anxiety worse so i decided why not try the one thing EVERYONE is recommending for GAD. CBD. I purchased a $20 bottle of CBD oil at FL Roberts. Thought to hell with it what can be the worse that can happen. The bottle was 250mg and holds 30 servings. I have a very low tolerance to things. So my idea was let me just try some. I decided to take half the recommended dose of 1mg. .5 mg. The oil sits under your tongue for 60 seconds and then you swallow it. Although i was nervous i was very pleased with what i felt. Best way to put my experience into words was like someone cleaned the dirty windshield in front of my eyes and like my heart was resting. It only lasted half the day so later that day when it wore off i noticed even more how it had effected me. Ew i hate this person. I hate being so angry and irritable and frustrated at everything. I plan to take he recommended dose tomorrow. I will write about my experience.

What i wish to get out of this blog is to help someone. even if it’s just ONE person. Anxiety is a terrifying thing. For those of us who struggle its hard to portray to someone who doesn’t. The constant chatter in your head. The fear of new experiences. The heart racing for no real reason. The fear that only the worse outcome can come out of anything. All of that takes over your mind. I’m hoping i can find a way to alleviate it.

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