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I had been sad and angry for most of my short adult life. I’ve tried so many times to work through my discontentment and anxieties, and I’ve never worked through a clear resolution because I always forget.

So I’m going to try to write down and process the hurt and maybe that would help to uncover whatever deep-seated issues I have, and subsequently deal with them. I don’t have money for a shrink. So whatever, I’ll ~*phenomenologize*~

Part 1: Dad

The last few hours before dad’s death, he couldn’t talk, or move, or see. We were told that dad might still have his hearing because that’s usually the last of the senses to go away, and so we were asked to say our final words. My mom and my sister spent a long time by his side. I spent about a minute and a half. I loved my dad so much, I was devastated to see him go. I don’t know why I came up empty when I was asked to tell him everything that I wanted to tell him. I beat myself up about it sometimes because I threw away my very last chance to address him. What would I have wanted to tell him? 

Dad, you were an incredible dad, and a horrible husband. I’m so mad at you for all the times you never came home and cheated on mom. I’ll never forget the times you made me feel brave, 

hmm I don’t feel hurt anymore I guess I’m fine haha k demons that was fun go back from whence you came we’ll do this again some other time

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I have a problem

It’s a big one. Some would say it’s a disease.

But it’s become so much a part of my life that I’ve come to normalize it. Sure, I’ve gone through lengths to keep it a secret, but in my head, I don’t think I am sick. I don’t feel sick in the head. I just feel-- unsatisfied.

And that unsatisfactory feeling comes with a burgeoning guilt because, is it still psychological if I am like this by choice?

Sometimes it’s crippling; you see it estranges me from people, keeps me from enjoying simple, natural things.

Most times it’s just a large inconvenience.

It’s acting up again. So I have to warrior through another painful phase until my gut quiets down and I can go through a few more months, until I have to face my demons again.

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A grand old mess

I find myself losing grips on who I am, what I am capable of, and what I can contribute. Most days in the office, I feel like the loser.

Mom said I had showed signs of ADD when I was a kid but we never had me checked because all kids are hyper, and don't know what they want. But also maybe because we didn't want to confirm what we feared.

I work in a highly stressful theater organization's marketing and public relations office. It's been three months, but I'm still getting used to the daily grind. I see everyone with their organized workflows, and systematized way of dealing with accounts, and I feel so left behind and well, crummy. It's not that I can't do the work. I can. Except that I start, then I stop, then I pick up something else, and halfway into the day I have begun several projects, and finished none. I am scatterbrained. And for that I feel limited, and for that I feel like a loser. 

One of the reasons why I took on things like production management and stage management was to prove to myself that I can be organized and systematized, that it was just a matter of training. Surely, I've become better at organizing things, but I'm generally still a big mess. 

I am scared of the people in the office. I am scared of them knowing that I am weak, that I am limited, that I am really, really bad at handling responsibilities

(except that I am not bad at handling responsibilities; I've been head of this, leader of that, chair of this, manager of that). 

Was that just me trying? I want to go back to comfortable things like handling an org project, or managing a student film. Not big, grown-up things like managing two major accounts each with its different targets and strategies. 

(Or maybe, also, in the future I'd be like I want to go back to the comfortable things like managing accounts, and not managing a company)

Okay I'm done sulking I have to schedule my calendar now

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Sometimes when I'm numb, I feel the need to force myself into sadness, if only so I don't remain emotionally stagnant and feeling empty. I try to cry, and think of sad things, and listen to slow songs; but when you're numb you're just too tired, and so it's kind of like emotional blue balls, when you feel like all you really need is a good cry but your mind and your body is too tired to cooperate. 

Me for the past couple of weeks.

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Maybe it wasn't friendship, just common free times with a few nice people.

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May I say something?

The internet is at the same time the best and worst place for sociopolitical discourse. That is why it is so important to espouse responsible social media usage. Argue and debate is healthy, but we can do without the jeering and name calling. It should be said that the STF stints are not promos for theater, it IS the theater, mirroring and satirizing the reality that important social issues are being cast aside for more docile, popular news. I don't think social media is pointless, I'm just saying the temptation to be apathetic to important issues is so strong nowadays, and social media plays a part in making that happen. What we can do is reclaim it for debate and discourse. This is what street theater is about, reclaiming public space, redefining it as a stage, in order to disrupt and disturb the everyday in order to make a strong statement.

Personally, I am hurt to see two sides attacking each other for technicalities when we want the same thing: to create avenues for the marginalized to be heard. As a sociopolitical theater organization, this is our prayer and conviction; “na ang aming tinig ay maging boses ng mga nangangambang magsalita, na ang aming kumpas ay maging paggalaw ng mga pinipigilang kumilos, na ang aming damdamin ay maging pagpapahayag ng mga nahihirapang mabuhay.”

Ito na, sinusuka na namin ang mga sakit ng bayan, at nananawagan kami na makibahagi, manindigan, at makipagtalastasan tayong mga mamamayan.

#ParaSaInangBayan

(c) PJ Talosig

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College

I rather enjoy studying. If there was such a job that paid you handsomely to study anything and everything, that would be my dream job. I'd study every language, culture, instrument, art, every field of knowledge.

It's just that I hate taking exams and being graded.