Becoming – s.s.
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I am standing at the precipice.
I am not looking down.
It would do no good –
stillness has raised the water from the earth,
nurtured it, scolded it, comforted it
until it stood on its own, strong
and inscrutable.
I am standing at the precipice;
rippling mists lick at my toes,
and my heart beats.
Once.
Twice.
My throat heaves around it.
There is fear.
There is a cliff inside my stomach
to match the one beneath my feet,
and the earth unhinges its jaw,
aching. Hungry.
There is fear.
But my heart beats.
Once.
Twice.
Again.
And I can’t help it –
I smile.
I smile.
Because the planet yawns before me, rumbling,
and I have been starved,
my mind an unplugged television screen,
my rib cage knotted with cobwebs.
And now it’s knotted with something else,
and my heart beats –
it beats,
and I have to – I can’t stop it –
my laugh trips over the fog,
spiraling madly down.
Will I be able to sate the world?
Will the world sate me?
I have no fucking idea.
I step forward.
vertigo – s.s.
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They say a version of you dies
every time your life changes.
This, I know to be true.
But they don’t talk about the thing
that survives –
that beats back the odds, weathers the storm,
and emerges, gasping, on the other side.
They say a version of you dies
every time your life changes, and I thought –
but no. I should have known.
Storm clouds sail away on monsoon winds;
the leaves grow back in the spring.
A version of me dies each time – once more, again –
but this, I should have known.
I should have known.
oh, foul-weather friend – s.s. (via vulcansmirk)
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She wears her heart on her wrists and shoulders,
confidence draped like a cowl across her frame.
Her body, buried beneath,
shudders in the callous grip of winter,
rickety and cavernous and howling.
She’s carved the words in the rusty acres of her skin:
bravery on her forearms,
hope in her hands,
trust along her spine, where she can’t see.
But it’s trepidation beating a tattoo
on the backs of her eyelids,
building bars around her while she sleeps.
When she wakes, it’s in a cage—
the shadow of her fingers over her eyes.
She has no conception of what others see—
courage? Kindness? Weakness? Hubris?
She knows only that ink bleeds:
the colors of her breach the skin, breaking free,
straining to stain the first hand to venture close.
She wonders about the permeability of her walls;
she hopes ink can bleed the other way, too,
and covers her skin with characters
she’d like to soak through.
Bravery on her forearms.
Hope in her hands.
Trust along her spine, where she can’t see.
ink – s.s.
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Keeping my mouth clamped shut
on words that dig like claws into my throat—
bats and bloodbaths, just in time for Halloween.
Kuleshov is failing me:
each fragment is an alien
with no balm of context;
my hands are full of pulp and ichor
and no skeleton to offer form.
The world around me stutters, shambles through molasses,
and I know the answer, but I could only express it
in jagged chiaroscuro, so
I keep the knife in its sheathe.
I used to know.
I don’t remember.
I think there were soft lines once,
soft lights once. I think there were
warm winds, warm words once
before. What words? What winds? What direction?
Point me there. Push me away.
Maybe the tide will bring me back someday,
message in hand—words, clear:
black ink, bold and new
on old, sunkissed paper.
I used to know.
I don’t remember.
A lesson in editing for coherence:
replace the inconsequential with an ellipsis.
It doesn’t matter—so cut, and cut, and cut,
and what’s left?
Hold it in your hands.
Clamp your mouth shut.
Flail in the dark for a skeleton.
dissociative editing – s.s.
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You don’t complete me
and I don’t mind.
You don’t fill every crack and crevice in me
left by wisdom’s none-too-gentle hands;
we are not puzzle pieces, nor constellations
bound together by megalomaniacal gods.
Destiny has played no part here,
and perfection is a word neither of us understands,
and that’s fine.
All I know
is that I feel a little warmer
and a little brighter, braver, better
when we breathe the same air—
and though no god would tie your hand to mine,
I can hold it well enough.
the chosen one – s.s.
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Would that I were a ghost.
Would that I could shift through walls
and leave no trace in rooms abandoned;
would that I were a was, a past-tense
with no bearing on the present.
Would that I had no needs—no mouth to feed
nor traumatic cavern to fill.
Would that I could fade into shade
and ask nothing at all.
phase – s.s.
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Alone in the dark, I promise myself,
‘You will be kinder.’
In the light, the fault lines may glimmer;
nonetheless, I face the dawn.
pact – s.s.
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Here’s a secret:
listen close enough, and you can hear
the gentle hum of your bones,
your heart rattling, soft, against its cage;
listen close, and you can feel
the rhythm of you
echoed
in the stars above
and the ground below.
And maybe it’s dark–
maybe you’re lost,
and there are clouds in the sky,
and you can’t feel your feet beneath you.
But listen close.
Listen.
For you are of the earth;
you are the stars themselves,
and all you ever needed
was a beating heart
to find your way home.
letters to a self in peril – s.s.
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My heart feels like it’s beating through dirt–
dirt packed tight, tighter, the pressure so much
that my pulse is a feeble hiccup
struggling against it.
I am muffled; smothered
by a Jenga tower of fears
built on a cirrus foundation
of things I can neither know
nor control.
I want to administer CPR.
I want to kneel over my own fetal form
and push, and push, and push
with my hands knotted together, strong,
and I want to keep pushing
until the bones crack beneath my weight.
CRACK. My sternum goes;
my ribs will collapse, and when they do–
when this cage has crumbled inward,
and this rickety relic gives way
like the ruins
of a temple
to some long-forgotten god–only then,
with the elements howling
through these ancient hollows,
will I unearth all that lies below
and remember.
Slash-and-Burn – s.s.
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One day, I looked in the mirror.
I’ve been frozen ever since.
Call me Medusa. – s.s.
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I forget sometimes
how much violence there is
here, in me, for you.
In the eye of the hurricane, I forget
what it’s like to fear myself—
to fear my own power; to worry
that I may be Eurydice, you
my unwilling Orpheus,
and that one careless look from me
will end it all.
So I relax.
I laugh when you threaten to terrorize the noisy neighbors;
I poke fun at you for thinking raspberries are too sour.
I fall asleep
feet away from you
with barely a thought.
But this morning
I woke to you
asleep, your bare chest
brushed gray with dawn half-shadows,
your hands
folded clumsily at your throat.
I caught another glimpse
of the tattoo on your ribs, and it looked
like a tantalizing constellation.
I found you there,
and your vulnerability
was a bullet to the chest;
I looked at you,
there, like that,
and all the violence came back.
I’m sorry, Orpheus.
If it’s any consolation,
I’m stuck in hell, too.
alucinor 5.17 (s.s.)
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They asked about black holes.
They asked for an explanation,
so I gave them one, best I could,
the room swathed in an inky dark,
the one light pouring over us like honey.
I explained how black holes
are so massive, so dense, so full
that the natural gravity of everything inside
pulls the universe inexorably closer.
I explained all this
with you right beside me, feet away—
too far, but close enough
for me to be caught in your gravity
and pulled inexorably.
I don’t smoke cigarettes.
I try not to drink when I’m sad.
But I’m addicted
to the smell of you, and to the feeling
of your mind
sharing oxygen with mine. I’m hooked
on the sound of your voice
telling me to walk on your right
as we pass these strangers in the dark.
(When did you start taking care of me?)
When did I start needing it?)
They asked about black holes.
They asked for an explanation,
so I gave them one, best I could.
And all the while, gravity
and irony
pulled me inexorably toward you.
It hurts, you know?
I’m caught in the well
of your warmth, and the way
your eyes light up when you’re thinking.
I’ve long since passed the event horizon;
there’s no hope now for me to flee.
All I can do
is laugh
and shake
and drown
in your singularity.
alucinor 5.17 (s.s.)
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We are trees, wild, green,
growing side-by-side—growing together,
and see? Our roots have met now,
have tangled, enticed
by the same cocktail of mineral
and dirt. And see, you and me, we
wind closer and closer
all the time, and I’m so
fucking
scared, but I’m
so warm, too. Never been warmer.
And we’re okay somehow. How?
With everything between us, we still
speak the same, think the same,
laugh the same. I know
I will never tire
of making you laugh.
I’m so
fucking
scared, but I’m
so warm, too. Never been warmer.
It’s impossible, no? But I think you and me, we
may someday grow so strong, together,
our leaves will graze the sun.
alucinor 5.17 (s.s.)
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I couldn’t stop staring at
your hands, at
your arms, at
the stubble on your chin.
I couldn’t stop laughing, and then
I couldn’t
shake the image
of your smile.
You smiled when you saw me.
You sat with me all night
and quietly
let me into your mind.
And the whole time,
I watched the skin at your throat,
the light in your eye;
I could almost feel your hands on my thighs,
your lips on mine
already.
You felt it too, didn’t you?
You were so quiet,
and you laid there so lax,
so vulnerable, so open,
asking me. Daring me. Didn’t you?
I couldn’t stop thinking
about that thing you say sometimes—
‘I am not a strong man.’
If I finally snapped,
if I gave up this fucking ghost
and showed you my strength,
would you let me?
I asked if I could go home with you,
and you agreed. Easy.
My heart was in my throat
all night; I couldn’t stop thinking
all night, about
your hands, about
your arms, about
your eyes, about
your lips, about
you.
I almost went for it.
Half a hundred times, I almost went for it.
We entered the apartment
and you didn’t say a word,
and neither did I—god, the tension
was like carbon monoxide.
I almost kissed you.
Half a hundred times, I almost kissed you.
I’d lay you down if I could;
I’d pin you down
and rip you to shreds
with my teeth,
with my tongue,
if I could.
I thought about it all night.
I thought about it all morning, too, with you
sitting there, all packed up
and ready to go,
nothing to keep you here
but me;
you laid back again,
fell open again,
and I swear to god
that was almost it.
I’d rip you to shreds
with my teeth,
with my tongue,
if I could.
Here’s a secret:
I think you want it, too.
I think you’re trying to fight it—
I think you’ll keep on denying
every want, every need
you’ll ever have
for the sake of the work,
because that’s what you believe.
But I wonder,
if I pushed you—
if I pinned you down
and picked you apart
and showed you
how strong I can be—
I wonder, if I pushed you
like that, just nudged you
like that
over the edge
would you let me?
(You’re fighting for a world
in which everyone is free
and happy.
In your mind, does that world
not
include you?)
alucinor 4.17 (s.s.)
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You smiled when you saw me.
You sat with me all night
and quietly
let me into your mind.
I found out
that you’re the youngest of three,
that you worry
you can’t support people like you should,
and that there’s a chance
I can be for you
what you have fast become for me—
a comfort.
You’ve never asked for comfort.
You never ask for help.
You told me flat-out
that you believe in taking care of yourself
only insofar as it equips you to keep fighting.
I understand that belief
more than I can say,
and I love you for it,
but it makes me sad, too.
You’re fighting for a world
in which everyone is free
and happy.
In your mind, does that world
not
include you?
(My world, at least,
would be a much grimmer place
without you.)
You told me all your heroes
are people who’ve been jailed
and killed
fighting for what they believe.
You said it scares your parents
because they think that’s the best they can hope for
for you.
Here’s a secret:
it scares me, too.
And I will do
everything I can
for you
to make sure
this fight
doesn’t kill you.
(See, all my heroes
are people who’ve been jailed
and killed
fighting for what they love.
I think it should scare my parents,
because it’s the best thing I hope for
for me.
You fight for the world.
I fight for you.
You are my best-case scenario.)
alucinor 4.17 (s.s.)
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We let the sky fall.
We ripped it down, and behind it
was you—a shadow; a rumble
in the dark, lit only
by the cherry tip
of your cigarette.
I threw open the curtains, and behind them
was you, asleep, the morning sun
slipping over you
like fingertips.
I watch your chest rise
and fall again,
and my fingers follow.
They itch;
there are magnets
beneath my skin.
My ribs are creaking.
You breathe: slow, deep, true.
I breathe, too.
alucinor 4.17 (s.s.)
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