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by ㅤMara

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Scenes From A Marriage 2021 dir. Hagai Levi    

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i found the thing that hurt me; i thought of you, i thought of ribs, i thought of books and patterns on skin and sleep untaken

i released it. go back to the mountains, tell them of mercy, when you’re able, slide some in the hand of a ripple

have it come back to me; tell them i know sin, am all lust, fire, envy, tell the wasp to cut her stinger off 

we’re closing our eyes these days, we’re lying down with demons, we’re saying yes, yes, i could hurt back, but i am not that kind of ghost.

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well i got sad because of all the small things, because i see too much and it gets inside of me. like my grandmother hunting for her glasses and missing the rainbow as it happened. she put them on minutes after it had gone. like my little sister trying to tell a story and getting interrupted so much she stopped speaking. like how people look when they realize nobody texted them. like the man at the train station who picked up the phone and found out his dog died, who sat three in front of me and silently cried. 

people have pictures where everyone is smiling. i think we all feel like we’re all alone in the bleakness. our sorrows nobody else sees. but i do. and i feel them in echoes in me. how you looked when you accidentally broke that cd, when you dropped your favorite mug, when you missed the shooting star even though you were looking. these small moments we don’t speak of because they somehow belong to the unspeakable, the momentary melancholies.

sometimes it is worth it for the smile after it passes. i think of the man on the train and how, close to my stop, he slowly dialed his phone. “hey baby,” he said, “we’re getting a new dog.” 

but my grandmother missed the rainbow. “you know,” she said quietly, her voice low, “life is like that. you got to see the good things. when you’re not looking, they come and they go.” 

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Susan Orlean, The orchid thief

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Love

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