parokiroki

[parokiroki]

Finding New Habits To Feel Better

I've been staying home for months and doing nothing. I thought I do something for my future but I didn't. I just did something because of FOMO. The more activity I did, the more I felt frustrated and overwhelmed. I became more desperate and hated myself. I felt lost. I became the wrong version of myself. I was looking for someone to doubt. I got all the bad memories to normalize my emotion. Until I felt so lost.

I felt sadder because I realized no one could help me get out of this place. I still want to live and have a bright future life. Even though it was hard but I tried my best to help myself do something different and help me to feel alive. I was so far from God. I don't want to be a worse human being. I want to be better.

Therefore, I tried to do these things since yesterday:

Waking up early and Pray

Cleaning my house and bed as early as I can

Reading self-improvement articles

Doing Yoga and Meditation

I let myself cry and spilled all the emotion

Making a to-do list about my priority of the day

I started to learn excel which I always refuse to learn

Drinking much water

Enjoy the weather

Reading and rewriting kind words

Doing a good deed to my beloved one

Let myself enjoy the day slowly

Reduce connection with social media and many people that don't really close to me.

Studying IELTS and Researching for Scholarship

Listening to an instrument

All those things help me to feel better and sleep well. Today, I woke up feeling happy. I started my task as early as I can without feeling like rushing. I hope I can be better and more consistent with these things in my life.

I do grateful for my life. I am going to build these things as a new habit for the rest of this year. Please accompany me to achieve my goal.

[parokiroki]

Losing Yourself is Terrible

Have you ever felt lost in the middle of the journey? even forgot where to go?

You are lost, left alone, maybe even from the beginning of the journey always alone. Loneliness makes you more confused and afraid.

Surprisingly, even if you realize you are alone and lost, you can feel that some of the other adventurers have gone further than you. That realization makes you feel even more like a loser. You know that you shouldn't compare your achievements with others. But somehow, other people's success actually makes you feel small and doubt yourself even more.

Ok, let's log out from the social media *lol

That is me!!! A loser who from the start of the journey, probably only pretended to know where she was supposed to go. Because even though with confidence I started my step, in reality, I lost my way and felt left alone.

I realized that it wasn't anyone else's fault that it made me feel small. It's because I feel insecure. As it turns out, it's as important as having self-confidence. Because if we lose it, we will continue to blame ourselves and even others. It was terrible to lose confidence.

For months I had lost myself and my confidence in myself. Various rejections made my confidence even more shattered. Ignorance also makes me feel even more worthless. I'm increasingly afraid to meet other humans, even just greetings with friends on social media.

Realizing that I am alone on this road, makes me often deny it because it makes me even more frustrated. I want to share my feelings with humans in the real world, but I'm afraid and I don't believe in them either.

Although afraid of the fact that I'm alone, that's how it is. The only one who can help me out of this cave is myself. I only have hope that I fully trust in God. I quite know how bad I am, but I believe that God will not judge me from human eyes.

And though I stagger, slowly, not knowing where I should go, but at least I have to move. Move!

And this small step is enough to make me grateful and a little better.