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sa tagal ko na hindi gumagamit ng tumblr, nakalimutan ko na icon nya 😭 bat kasi naging penk na hahaha

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A•U•G•U•S•T

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S•E•P•T•E•M•B•E•R https://www.instagram.com/p/Ch8kn28P-0wFK8tlDktc-EUUM7twPggGoft2IM0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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safe zone para mag rant sa mga nalaman ko lately...

why is it easy for others to judge noh? ito agad pumasok sa isip ko, ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko ng malaman ko na ganon pala iniisip nila sakin. soo the context is nalaman nila na nag try ako ng dating app and one afternoon aalis ako para makipag meet sa friend ko kasi putang ina maglalabas ako ng sama ng loob kasi hayup na buhay to, naiwan na naman ako at naloko ng isang fucking guy mula sa dating app! and then, inassume nila na makikipag meet ako sa hinayupak na guy from dating app. so ayan, pinag usapan ako and sinabi pa ng isang manlolokong guy na "ganun na ba sya kadesperado?" -- this was the part na parang nahirapan akong huminga kasi anong karapatan nyang husgahan ako, ako na malinis ang konsensya. kung tutuusin nga wala silang pakialam kung mag dating app man ako kasi putang inang single ako.

shout out sayo! ikaw na akala mo perfect bf, akala mo loyal sa gf nya *insert does she know by kianna* pasalamat ka talaga nananahimik ako at di ako nagsasalita tungkol sa kagaguhan mo

ikaw naman girl, sobrang plastic mo! anyare sa women empowerment? ikaw na assuming na makikipag meet ako tapos chinismis mo pa! hahahaha nakakatawa, sobrang kitid ng utak mo.

gusto kong pangatawanan yung "the best revenge is none" pero i won't calm down until justice is serve.

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haayssss, still taking this chance to have a lighter heart

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J•U•L•Y 🌷 #angatbuhaylahat #kulayrosasangbukas🎀🌷 https://www.instagram.com/p/CfiGcpUv8KQxQi1ahYZb2ypbSP1DRAGgReTyFc0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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and there i was...left behind again

Hi.

This is me with a heavy heart.

I just came out from a whirlwind romance, i guess? No label/Talking stage kumbaga. We met on a dating app and eventually we exchanged socials days after kasi nahuli ako ng kawork ko na nagde-dating app bcos biglang nag notif while i was showing to her my phone (haha) it was a funny accident, really. He and I started talking comfortable with each other bcos the way he carried the conversation was smooth and i really got hooked talking to him. Even before kasi sa tinder, he's really a 100% humored guy kaya madali nyang nakuha attention ko. I dunno basta sobrang komportable ko sa kanya and umabot kami sa point na parang magjowa na ang peg namin. He would update me if nasa office na sya, kakain na sya even sa haircut niya. The clothes he would wear on events and to be honest it really hit me and during those time, i started to lookf forwad kung san papunt ayung pag-uusap namin. Umabot sa point na gusto nya makilala parents ko kasi ganon daw pag nanliligaw (sobrang surreal ng pakiramdam ko that time kasi never ko sya na feel since NBSB ako). Plus, he’s a dog lover kaya medyo plus points din sakin, palagi sya nag sesend ng picture ng dogs nya and same with me. He’s realy attached ro two of our dogs. Tuloy-tuloy lang usapan namin, update everyday pero there's this unusual feeling pa rin sakin na "wag ma-attached" kasi can't really give my full trust to anyone (which is tama pala talaga instinct ko *spolier alert*) I think he’s kinda too fast din at the moment kasi sobrang casual nya pag usapan ang kasal, palagi nya sinasabi na “PAPAKASALAN PA KITA”, “AALAGAAN PA KITA” and kagaya nga ng sinabi ko kahit papano may impact din sakin yun kahit alam ko din naman na di ko sure ang mga susunod na mangyayari. 

Days turned to weeks of talking and he finally decided to ask me out, dinaanan nya sa NBA pustahan. Sa una, inaasar ko lang sya na matatalo ang GSW kasi yun yung team nya, and bigla nya sinabi kapag nanalo daw GSW sa Game-2 lalabas daw kami. I ignored that idea of him and nilihis ko yung usapan hanggang umabot kami sa mga series and nabanggit ko na mahilig akong manood ng kdrama series and turns out pala na di sya mahilig manood nun, dun ko na naisip na patulan yung pustahan hehe. “Ganto na lang, kapag natalo Celtics, manonood ka ng Kdrama series (Reply 1988 fave kdrama koo) and kapag nanalo GSW, tuloy yung labas natin” that was my message to him. I can feel his excitement in his reply. 

**GOSHHHH I THINK ANDAMI PANG NANGYARI SAMIN PERO SOBRANG HAHABA PA TO** 

Saturday night, he messaged me “May Team Building pala kami sa sunday, biglaan. Pwede bang umaga na lang tayo lumabas” Nag isip pa ako that time kasi di ko rin feel lumabas ng sunday morning pero eventually naman pumayag ako. Ang usapan namin is 9AM aattend kami ng mass, pero 8:56am paalis palang sya ng bahay nila. I was so mad at him kasi di man lang mag pa impress at all, di man lang nag effort pumunta ng maaga sa simbahan. Nung nakita ko yung message nya na on the way palang @8:56AM, di ko na sya ni-replyan, I ignored his message and attended the mass with a heavy heart kasi inis ako. When the mass had ended, Agad akong lumabas to cool down and didn’t bother to look at my phone pero nakita nya na pala ako kaya nasundan nya ako. I tried ko calm myself pero nag burst out din ako “SINABI KO, 9AM ANG MASS. PINAPAINIT MO ULO KO” there it goes, my anger issue hehe pero sinuyo nya pa rin ako. Super plot twist pa kasi nakita namin tita nya. He introduced me to her tita and ako naman si kalma kasi di pa ako nakaka recover sa inis nya sa pagiging late. “Nagsimba kayo? Very goood!” said his tita. Kumain kami sa fasfood. At first, awkward pa kami? or ako lang kasi may galit pa nga sa puso ko! CHARRRR. He’s the same guy na nakaka usap ko, ma kwento and kayang dalhin ang usapan. After kumain, hinatid nya ako sa mall kasi pupunta pa syang team building nila. He messaged me na paalis na sya ng bahay, even update me pagkadating nya sa place. He barely messaged  me that day and naiintindihan ko kasi nasa team building naman. Nag update sya na naka uwi na sya, talked for a while even send him pics of may dog kasi pareho kami dog lover. Last message that day was masakit ulo nya kasi lasing and I said, sige na matulog ka na. 

Next day, I witnessed a cold reply “ANG SAKIT NG ULO KO” no good morning at all. It’s very unusual of him to not say “GOOD MORNING” and ako medyo nag overthink ako kasi inisip ko siguro dahil sa naging behavior ko nung sunday kaya ganto mga replies nya. Monday the whole day, we barely talked na and  minimal replies from him. Pero we talked about how he got drunk last sunday and he said “SOBRANG STRONG KO DESERVE KO PA YATA ANG MALASING ULIT” di na ako naka tiis and asked him, “PARANG PROBLEMADO KA YATA” and he said “OO NA PARANG HINDI, HINDI KO MAITINDIHAN. NAGUGULUHAN AKO” i was literally shaking that time kasi parang alam ko na kug saan papunta to pero i replied calmy and “WHY IZZ, ANO YAN” but he never replied that night. The next day, he messaged me “KWENTO KO SAYO MAMAYA, TUNGKOL SA EX KO NAGUGULUHAN AKO. NAGKAKA MIXED EMOTION AKO”. I was taken aback by his message but i chose to ignored the message and replied that night also. I said “Hey, hey! Anong chismis yan?” I think I’m trying to be cool but deep inside my mind, i know where this is going and i know that this is going to be chaotic. He just replied “Nasa inuman ako, bukas na lang, about kay ex ko” and i said “Okay, bukas na lang”. The next morning, “Nagkita kami ni ex nung baccalaureate mass (friday), dito kasi nag-aaral kapatid nya, niyaya ako ng mama nya sumama sa kanila kumain. And sa tingin ko kailangan ko tong sabihin kasi ayoko magpa-asa” ------- “Ayoko lang ng conflict. Sorry, gesalu” and for the second time, i was taken aback again. I just said “Ohhh okii. I see. Thank you sa pagiging honest” but deep inside again, I wanted to say A LOT OF THINGS to him, I aso asked him “Bakit hindi mo sinabi sakin nung saturday pa?” and he just said akala ko kasi friendly chat lang di ko na rin napigilan sarili ko, sinabi ko sa kanya. I aldo asked him if in any way ba may connection to dun sa naging behavior ko nung nagkita kami and sabi nya wala daw kasi gusto nya naman talaga alo ma meet. “Come to think of it, never ko pala tinanong sayo kung naka move on ka na sa ex mo” but his replies doesn’t satisfy me kasi too short and i don’t feel his sincerity with his message. 

“Sorry, Gesalu” 

“Sabi mo nga, “It is what it is”. Anyway, Thank you sa time and effort” 

“Sorry and Thank you din”--those were his last words. Didn’t even bother to look and reply at his message. 

I wanted to say more.

I wanted to burst out of my core.

But to consume energy to the person who brings back all your fear is a waste of time. Instead, i just asked myself, how can someone says they like you but easily change their mind in a minute.

Maybe their fellings weren't genuine at all ~

To say i'm "TRAUMATIZED" is an understatement.

P.S

But, hey! It's all part of a bigger journey ahead of you! Keep on moving forward and left all your burden on your past and never dwell on it

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“Don’t mistake silence for weakness. Smart people don’t plan big moves out loud.”

— Unknown

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gusto ko na na magka jowa dahil sa yumi's cell 🙄

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“I am tired. These people make me feel I have a hole in the middle of me.”

— D.H. Lawrence, from The Complete Works; The Plumbed Serpent

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not me stalking my previous life sa IG 🥺

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tano medyo makulog kang nahiling ko na may kaiba sya? 💔

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kept on giving me mixed signal

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“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater…The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that’s the key. It’s like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.”

— Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

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bat naman ganoon tumblr huhu

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“You can’t fix me. Let me have my bad days.”

— Dayna Walls-Cochran

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“You are allowed to be alive. You are allowed to be somebody different. You are allowed to not say goodbye to anybody or explain a single thing to anyone, ever.”

— Augusten Burroughs; This Is How

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“If a person wants to be a part of your life, they will make an obvious effort to do so. Think twice before reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.”

— marcandangel