paradoxicallytragic

[paradoxicallytragic]

I keep going back to last year, drawing patterns, making links, connecting my then and now. I keep going back to last winter and comparing it with this one. I knew I was supposed to let you go, I knew all along that you weren't it and I was putting myself through the hell that you were capable of creating but I still did, against all reasoning and logic. I kept going back to you over and over like a diabetic eating sugar when they know it's no good. I have nothing to justify it but the simple fact that I was afraid to feel whatever this is I am feeling. Sadness or emptiness or both of lonliness. You numbed the pain or created a new kind. You were my self-harm cause I swore I'd never slit my writs again. But I atone it all now as I sit here feeling last year and all the years before that. I atone you and I atone for putting myself through you. Because I know I didn't deserve that, I don't deserve me inflicting pain on me, I deserve only good things, and these bad feelings are not all there is for me. There is more, and I'd like to find out.

-Atonement

[paradoxicallytragic]

My brain is a haunted amusement park; you don't know what you'll find, it's pumps you with adrenaline, the bad kind, but it feels good. There are children screaming and laughing, but the rides are empty. You have a date, but she has burning red eyes and is pale. The clowns are deadly, and the popcorn is covered in blood. The carousel never stops turning until it does, and then it's burning. Believe me when I say, you don't want to go there but can't help yourself, the darkness is intoxicating. The skeletons are cool and nothing compares to the rush.

-see.you.soon

[paradoxicallytragic]

It's that time of year again, when my wrists stain with the red it saw ages ago. Like clockwork, my wrists become stained with the blood that once gushed out of my veins. The ghost of self-inflicted wounds reopens, and pain follows through reminding that you once didn't want to be here. A distant echo somewhere within the crevices of my bones whispering that I still don't want to be here.

I'm happy most days but it's that time of the year again.

-tick.tock.

[paradoxicallytragic]

She hushes and hides, like I didn't grow up in that haunted house. Like, I don't know the cob webs that still hang from the ceiling and the blood that still stains the carpets. It's a 6 by 4 inch window into what my life was, what my life could have been but she carefully angles the window to show the shiny surfaces and fancy furniture like I don't know the truth, I've lived the truth so why hide it from me? Why cut corners and edges of reality to make it look like it's not haunted anymore. The closeted ghosts and devils within can not really be hidden. They're family now. I'm still glad I left that life behind, but I walk the lonely road now. Life is better, but I don't want her to mask the haunting from me, so I never look behind in vain. I'll forever be guilty for making it out, leaving them behind. The guilt is mine to feel, let me. Let me walk this earth, half haunted half free, this is as good as life can be.

-up, up and away.

[paradoxicallytragic]

How could the gods show me love and strip it right off me in a flash of a storm. How could they keep it just within reach and then make it disappear forever? I get that we're supposed to learn the art of detachment, but there were no strings, I became it. He's inside me like an organ yet undiscovered, but I can not live without it. I can not live without my organs. Why are the gods playing such a cruel joke? And I know, I know it's easier to blame them when in reality I know that the world is nothing but a reflection of us, so tell me, why do I despise myself so much?

-its-about-a-cat-not-a-guy

[paradoxicallytragic]

I love my life here, I really do, I'm very grateful for everything that has got me here and is keeping me here. I know, I know that I fought and cried to get here, and now I'm fighting and crying to come back, but honestly, it's just for a second, not more. Please try to understand. I really like it here, I really really do, but some days I look around and I don't know anyone here, some days I just want to sleep next to Loki, some days I just want to breathe around the familiar, the family, the people I've known since forever. Some days I can not do phone calls and answering machines, some days I just don't want to think so please, please, let me come back, even if it's just for a second, I need to be around the familiar, I need to be around family. I don't even know these people here. I can't even think where I go from here, so please, I know it's too much to ask after all that I have, I need to be home for one last time.

[paradoxicallytragic]

I don't even remember

How all that time flew past

Me like a fighter jet

Holding all of my fate

In its wings

That crashed somewhere

Eventually

And all I was left with

Was the aftermath

Of a war

I don't even remember

Fighting.

Maybe that's why I feel stitched

But not quite whole

Because my insides are lying

Blown apart somewhere

While the outside

Glistens like gold

So I continue living my life

Comatose

Because what you can't see

Can't harm you

So I continue living my life

Comatose

But not quite paralyzed.

~usc

[paradoxicallytragic]

I found myself missing the warmth of your oak red sweater, and I kept wondering that being human might be the worst possible experience my soul could have chosen. Because we're too silly, too fickle, to pure and too innocent, we know that fire will burn, but we would still choose it's 'warmth'. Isn't that crazy? Although, I think we just identify it as humanness and move on.

But am I? Moving on? Why did I want us to come across each other just one last time? I know, I know, it wasn't because there's some lingering feelings-- it's just this humanness. The want of the feel of treating the other person in an indifferent way and watch them crumble, regret, grieve their actions. We know, we don't have to put people in the court to bring justice, karma is doing that, but where to look for solace in that fact? Why is it so hard? Because we're human. We need to see. If our five senses cannot perceive what we want, it's not happening. Pathetic.

Anyway, I had my shot. I got the chance, I did what I did, and now we stray away from petty humanness. It all ended, I have nothing, no wins, no losses, no love, no hate, no happiness, and no sadness.

-blank-page-what-up?

[paradoxicallytragic]

I can't seem to let go of the fact that there is a lesson here that I keep avoiding. It's like I just can't seem to pinpoint that very concept, and it's there right in front of me. Is it simply the 'be concious where your energy goes' or like 'invest your energy only in things you believe in' or is it something else all together. Is it 'not everybody deserves a seat at the table' or 'be mindful of the people you're inviting into your life' but isn't all this too vague. How do you know? How do we know that this loser is going to be a waste of time, energy, and thought when it's actually fun? Is there something about misplaced fun? Like we're not supposed to enjoy this activity, and we're only inviting chaos because it's a convulated idea of fun. Or is it simply just boundaries and establishing lines in concepts, 'this one just comes under fun don't mix emotions' but isn't all this a bit too generic?

When you're at a restaurant and you're sitting in your corner booth bored and lonely, open to someone joining you, do you give whomever comes, a shot? If you're bored and need some company for the time being, sure. It's a way to pass time, not form attachments. But everytime the 'passtime' leaves and you're wanting a bit more of it, what is it then? You're not looking for a passtime hun, you want full-time company. The lesson obviously here is 'knowing what you want' but what about fun then? Why is there such a gray area here? What if you just want company for a hour but everyday? Do you become open to being less picky? It's just for the time being anyway, right? But is it really?

Alleged moral of the story - not everybody deserves a seat at the table, don't bend over backwards for anybody, know what you want, your worth lies where you put your energy. Lastly, remind yourself of the boundaries always.

But I still wonder tho, aren't you supposed to go after what you want ? Or maybe that law isn't applied here cause the situation is all different.

-sitting.in.a.restuarant

[paradoxicallytragic]

If I had encountered you in January, I would have thrown up in your face. But not in April, in April I'm far too past it. January is too long gone that it doesn't even matter anymore. The devil, villian, demon role that you played back then that shook me to my core, none of it mattered as I was walking towards you. Yes, I do have this dissociation issue, where my heart starts racing and my brain goes bare but not yesterday. I saw you walking towards me, and I couldn't run and hide anywhere without calling attention, so I walked towards you. Staring I was, in fascination mostly because of my reaction, I was doing it, in that moment, I was facing my fears and there was no way out, inwardly even chuckling at the universe for the day it gave me, it had to give me the cherry on top. My life was great, my life is going great, ain't nobody thinking about the one rotten cherry on top.

I actually did not truly prepare for this moment. How could I hold you accountable and still be cordial? I knew I would not talk to you but I acknowledged your presence, I know a half smile was much more than what you deserved but we know me, my blank expressions, who's even sure you interpreted it as that? I was as normal as I could be because oblivion is inevitable. My brain was obviously scrambling through ways I could escape, and I did, normally, no cinematics, just a 'ill see you' to my friend and walking away. Then I ran home, obviously, but anyway.

I keep thinking about victories. What did this encounter say? You won cause I did run away? Was it me accepting defeat? Should I have stayed there in an uncomfortable situation, faced my fear a bit more? Is this battle even worth fighting? Walking away is the best thing anyone can do, right? Why are we always wanting to put our energies in people, places, and things where it doesn't belong? If he wants this victory, he can keep it? Hang it in the corners of his heart, feed the ego all he wants, what's it to me? I'm focusing on sticking to my orbit, my life, prioritizing the things I want, a few people lost along the way is not that great of a loss, keeping my ego in check, protecting my energy. Life can play out in that area the way it wants to, I don't want any part in it, I'm good.

What's important to me?

I don't want to stand on some moral high ground and establish myself as a better human being. I don't want the comparison. You're not on my level cause there are no levels. We're all in our orbits that may cross sometimes, but I don't have to knock you off yours just cause you crossed mine. There are no winning orbits. This is not a race. Just gotta stay in your lane. We're the most powerful in our orbit anyway, I don't necessarily want to cross yours, and you don't necessarily have to cross mine. If it ends up happening, it ends up happening. Man, all I'm saying is just live and let live.

-saw.a.ghost.again

[paradoxicallytragic]

It is not my job to live up to your perception of me.

[paradoxicallytragic]

I am not a ray of sunshine. I am darkness, yes, maybe, the sparkly, starry, bejeweled kind but I'm not a ray if sunshine. I don't possess the warm to thaw you, I am not orchids in summer or spring. I am rather fall and winter. I am not the warmth of a cozy sweater on a winter morning but I may be the lemon iced tea on a sunny day. In a world where my part is expected to be the light, I've turned out to be dark. I might be a godess but of the underworld, flowers don't bloom around me, they fall and twigs stick out, edgy and sword like. I can dazzle but in shades of navy, grey and maroon. A rose, beautiful but deadly, that's what God made me to be. So why does the world expect me to be the sunflower ? Why do I want to be a sunflower?

-it-always-goes-dark

[paradoxicallytragic]

I don't think I'm easy to forget, you know. And no, I don't mean that in an arrogant oh-I'm-so-awesome-way. I simply mean that everybody leaves some form of imprint on someone. Obviously, that's not in the case of all strangers, but where were we strangers? We were anything but. And do people generally forget people who curse them? I mean, I still think about the girl who called me a bitch in high-school sometimes so it's only fair to think that we all succumb to human tendencies. Aren't we all unique and different, and when you know a unique fact about someone, that's just that then, stored in memory somehow under the new information section. Something like a fun fact. So yes, I do think that you think about me sometimes. If you were a lesson to me who's to say I wasn't to you? An event, a situation that did shift something somewhere. Maybe it was a simple 'I wanted her, I got her situation' where you're just instilling your power in the universe, which is great, good for you! we're all the main characters of our story anyway. So yeah, I'm not locking my worth in a bottle and throwing it in the ocean, I know I'm good enough. Hell, I'll go out on a limb and even say too good for you cause why not. But you wouldn't think that and I guess that's okay too, each to its own. However, somewhere deep down we always know, no matter how many facades, no matter how many layers, we're all sad and broken but being unhinged about it. I just wish you realised your worth in the true sense and not tried collecting people like Pokémon to validate you. I wish you realised you are enough for you, and lifting people up is where peace lies. I wish you respect yourself enough to treat others with respect as well. I hope you heal.

~you.are.worthy.of.good.things.just.like.plants.are.worthy.of.rain

[paradoxicallytragic]

I think my problem lies in misplaced wantings. I know, I know there is nothing wrong with wanting something, but when it involves another person, I don't care about that side as much. I'm selfish. There, I said it. So yes, that situation was just me wanting something and being denied after agreeing to give it to me. It's annoying. Maybe I'm just that problem child in a toy store that you can not for the love of God level with. I get it, I'm trying to grow up. Then again, I don't think I'll take all the blame and absolve the other person involved. There was trauma and tragedy on that side, too. After all, we accept the love we think we deserve, right? I just wish sometimes that we knew ourselves better and were comfortable in our skin. No matter how itchy or allergic to sunshine it is, we could be happy cause it's ours.

So yeah, I do think we could have worked. But then again, if we could have, then we would have, and that's where the 'we were not meant to be' lies. It's not because we were incompatible or didn't like each other enough. It was simply that this is how far our relationship goes.

~we-werent-each-others-end-of-the-roads

[paradoxicallytragic]

I really want to mention this simply cause I will come back to this for reference purposes,

You can miss being with someone, you can miss the times you had, you can miss the touch, you can miss the good feeling you got when they hugged you. But I hope you know that no matter how hard you ignore the warning signs and red flags, eventually they catch up with you. Playing games is all fun and games until it turns toxic to your brain. So yes, they catch up to you, to the point where you can't ignore it anymore and think that leaving is the best option. I know it's hard to leave when you're attached at that level, but knowing when something isn't serving you and choosing better for yourself is where true love lies. True love for yourself. So all I'm saying is you can miss the hugs, kisses and intertwined hands because that is something you liked and wanted but you cannot forget the downsides of the person, downsides that you weren't okay with or you thought were simply not it. I hope you can find solace in the fact that you did good for you in the larger sense even though situationally it doesn't make sense.

You know you, good things take time, patience is helpful if not the key, just trust me you'll be fine.

~Chicago

[paradoxicallytragic]

There were flashes of you everywhere. Even when you probably weren't around me, I could see you. Yes, maybe you just have a common face, a common appearance to most other men of our ethnicity, but you were there. You saw me, I know you did, multiple times, even if both of us had glares on. The only difference was that I wore glares to actually protect my eyes, whereas you did cause you love being the cool guy who likes being in control. Anyway, though, you do you. I think what I am here to say is that I have nothing to say to you. And there is nothing I want you to say to me either. I don't want to be friends with you because simply I don't think I'd be comfortable with that, but neither do I want to punch you in the face. There is nothing from my side. Your existence has no meaning to me, and I don't think that is wrong. I don't even think that whatever happened was wrong either, it could be simply classified as mishaps because ultimately we're silly little human beings that think they know what they want but they really don't and we tend to fuck up our navigations more than we think and I guess that's okay. Yeah, so I don't think I hate you or me, I don't want anything out of this, I sometimes wish we were smarter, but we're not, and that's okay. I don't want to establish myself a winner just because you left the area first, and neither do I want to establish myself as the loser because I forgo all of my sanity just cause I wanted something.

But there, in a sea of strangers and some familiar faces, a stray thought crossed my mind; you were ashamed just like I was. We're ashamed of our actions, and for a second, it felt good not to be the only one ashamed. Anyways, though, if that is the case, you have to heal you and I have to heal me. We don't need to be in each others orbits for that. Closure is obtained from within, not outside.

I know I keep thinking that I shouldn't let it slide, the gaslighting, the manipulation, the intent to hurt, but this is not war. We don't play offense with offense, and me taking myself out of the situation is just as a plausible reaction as anything.

I wish it wasn't like that, though. I wish people did not reach that level of strangeness with people they're shared something intimate with, pass by without a hi. Knowing you know someone, but then you also don't. But I also know that is it important to respect ourselves enough to not be friendly with people that you did not have a pleasant ending with.

It's okay to un-know someone. It's okay if you don't want to honor the good cause the bad was so bad. You're not holding a grudge if you don't want to be associated with someone. We pick our orbits, and changing yours is perfectly okay. It's okay if the existence or lack thereof of an orbit is not bothering you in anyway. You're not a bad person for walking away. I mean, who am I kidding, I said my piece and then walked away so I should be okay. Actually, I'm getting there.

Anyway, to end it, you do you, I do me. Separately, obviously. I don't think our orbits would cross, not that I want them to, but I don't want to waste another thought on you either. You were just someone. Anyway, we're past that, we move. Peace.

~it's-ok-to-grieve-the-good-times-even-if-they-lasted-for-15-seconds

[paradoxicallytragic]

He carried me down the stairs because my legs were aching, he always intertwined our fingers when we held hands, his hugs always lasted a bit longer, he gave me his jacket when I was cold, he put my scarf for me, he cupped my cheeks when he kissed me and he made sure I was comfortable all the time! How do people do these things and say they meant nothing? How do people like you and leave you? How do people be nice to you and then look at you like a mental asylum runaway? How do people say you're the person of their dreams and follow it with a 'we're incompatible'?

I can not, for heaven's sake, forget the way he looked at me and the way it made me feel, after all that? I can't forget that for a second, I felt like the crazy, obsessed, psychotic girl who kept begging him for scraps of love. How could he trace his fingertips down places no one has ever been and tell me I'm delusional? How do people do this? How could he do this? He was nice. He cared. How do people do this?

I guess the jokes on me somehow. But not anymore. The more you trust, the more you lose, so I'm done. I'm done playing and getting played harder in return. I'm shutting the book and turning off the lights. I'm really fucking done with mediocre people trying to mess my brain. I'm tired, and I can't have every single cell within my body on a lookout. Putting my hands up, I'm out. Y'all do you.

~Taking.a.bow