papelpluma

[papelpluma]

keeping your emotions separate from sex

sex and emotions can be mutually exclusive and cohesive... it depends where you are in your life... and i needed to ask me where i stand with that.... and right now they are mutually exclusive... 

[papelpluma]

being intimate is something i cant do

[papelpluma]

be kind to yourself

i realized today how incredibly messy, polluted, clouded my mind gets when im devoting myself, entirely myself all to work out of the whole year... work really forces no room for me to think for myself and my own good really... its insane how powerful THE THOUGHT of not having work the next day can liberate me so much and open me up to so much more than just work... now i have time to really breathe and recollect myself as LOUELYNN not as Ms. Onato.... then it led me to think about creating systems at work so i could lend more time for LOUELYNN and not just Ms Onato... 

and the fact that i have to remind myself time and time again to be KIND to my self.... again my mind is working twice as hard as the teacher next to me at work... when theyre at work, to them the stuff (elementary work) theyre doing is straight work, for me my mind is also picking up on the strategies that my students are learning, and not to say that teachers my colleagues are not doing the same, its not possible because we have senses that allow us to receive information wherever we are.... they’re also learning, but for me im learning at a very steep incline.... there is so much i needed to learn on top of mastering it.... to them they’ve already learned it theyre just even more mastering it... for me its learning, getting exposed, and mastering it on top of meeting my responsibilities as an inclusion teacher that makes my mind work so incredibly harder and faster..... ... my capacity for learning that stuff started basically close to zero.... whereas everyone around who was teaching has already mastered those skills (reading, writing, listening, speaking, thinking, planning, organizing,) 

[papelpluma]

im ugly

even if you think you’re cute please remind yourself you’re not.... ok you are ugly... you are not the hottest. although you might have done a good job on that highlight or bronzer or hair you are not gisele bunchden... 

[papelpluma]

men and women when it comes to emotions

men are much more woke when it comes to compartamentalize their life in categories: sex, work, social life, family, friends, etc... women not as much... but since ive been working i see the value of separating your life in categories... this helps tremendously in my sex life and romantic life etc.... 

[papelpluma]

meeting parents in my imagination

i thought about this because family is probably the most important factor when you try to make a relationship serious.... so then i thought of the questions or interactions families might “grill” you on if you are meeting for the first time: 

1. what do you do? 

2. do you like what you do? 

3. where’d you grow up? 

4. how long have you lived here? have you always lived here? 

what doesn’t normally come up: 

1. whats your religion 

2. who did you vote for 

3. did you vote 

4. how many boyfriends have you had 

so questions that are first time meeting are basic. it also sounds like they’re just researching you as a person.. but those questions dont really matter in the end... what matters is the ones that dont normally come up... the sensitive questions... like whats your opinion on politics and religion... those two are so sensitive...

[papelpluma]

spending most of our time on

in school it seems as if we teach our kids and spend a lot of our instruction on a lot of writing, reading, listening, speaking.... but not much hours spent on questioning, creating, artistry... they’re all skills that are useful (creative and non creative) but its us as a society who necessitates what needs we have in order to prosper....  

how we as a society put significance in this specific skill set... its not how i was wired... i think growing up i always had an inclination to create. to make something out of nothing. and to see something unfold before me was exciting and invigorating.... i liked making things with my hands.

[papelpluma]

paying attention to words; unique experiences and thus usage of words...

when Lauren mentioned something about “compartmentalizing” my intentions and feelings with men... i think we were both thinking and talking about the same thing even if ive never had heard the word used in that way before... i used the context of the conversation to help me figure out the meaning of the word... then it got me thinking about the power of words and figuring out its individual meaning... 

then i realized how men 

[papelpluma]

voicing needs and wants

i was never really comfortable doing prolly because i  realized how i never practiced doing this on a regular basis where i was from... then this brought me to think back to the simple basic idea of what do you spend your hours on bitch? 

I am 26 years old. I split 12 years (used to) and 12 years (now) 

i used to spend a lot of it: 

active listening, obeying, following rules, keeping quiet, people-pleasing, reflecting, feeling guilty, feeling apologetic, watching, observing, bottling everything in, being inclusive, judging, trying to do what’s “good”, feeling oppressed suffocated and stifled, isolating myself, not saying your feelings, 

now i spend a lot of it: 

active listening, SPEAKING, reflecting, observing, being inclusive, trying to do what’s good for me, having fun (sexually), socializing, branching out, communicating, FOLLOWING UP, CHECKING UP ON RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE, SAYING WHAT I FEEL 

[papelpluma]

being with new people out

in whatever setting and context, whatever it may be, i realized there are comfort bubbles, cliques and segregation... when for me it all feels very yuck.... then i thought of how i wanted to approach a situation like this... as being too friendly and accommodating and being too inclusive can look a bit thirsty desperate and less dignified to new crowds when you share mutual and common friends and you’re just tagging along or the friend whom you are there for actually invited you out to play... and thats when i thought i was being too selfish and too egotistic.. .and just worried about my feelings... because as soon as i started feeling too bored or unattended, the thought of leaving was attractive to me... when i should have thought why i came out and who i was there for.... which brings me to the fact of planning again.... when you START the night with a solid plan and goal... you end up racking the most benefits out of your time DURING, so you’re not just lollygagging or “wasting” time.... 

but i also don’t want to just dance or do things by myself... but i realized it also depends on the setting and where you are when you want to be “inclusive”... i feel like teachers in particular can appear very two faced and the impression you give when you leave that clean image can be embarrassing and potentially damaging career wise.... because at work we are considered “neat, clean proper, law enforcer” so to think that a teacher could deviate from those expectations, its kind of unsettling and of-setting... i needed to hold myself back because i was with a crowd who made it easier for me to act like that... and be less myself... and being myself honey means: (in social situations, non work related) 

-drag queens, 

-rainbows, 

-unicorns, 

space ships 

lollipops, 

candy 

ecstasy 

GURRRL 

MHMMMM (finger snap) 

chola 

[papelpluma]

moods

i noticed i was a bit melancholy and not as happy as i was compared to the past few weeks.... i attribute it to the fact that i was riding a high... i went on a date with a brit whom i asked his number... for the first time i also felt confident in my sexuality... its not about getting guys, but its about feeling so good in yourself that you have no problem talking it up with a guy or anyone for that matter...... just strike up a conversation with anyone, but particularly if you find a guy cute and i happen to talk it up with him and things end up in a good note.... i feel even more in control, powerful and good about myself... 

and this was true over this axelrad guy.... then that i could come over his place and just have sex without feelings and that made sex even more fun and just something i could take from another person without expecting much out of him... i found him attractive but the fact that i also had “will” who was giving me all the things a good partner in life could give, (time, attention, affection, etc) i was being satisfied both ways... but from different boys... 

and also on friday june 1, i had my very first orgasm via vaginal penetration... with a guy whom i casually just hook up with... and i was in control of my orgasm then because i think its because i feel more comfortable just talking (like talking about my needs and wants and mindless talk because i could command a language in this case english quite steadily) and not being too fixated in how i sound or what i talk about... we were both talking it up via phone, when i say talk it up were strictly talking about sex...... and during that orgasm, i  was on top. i was riding him... and i was riding him hard and fast... i think i like my sex rough, hard and fast... the fact that i can voice my needs and wants without feeling stifled or held back... thats the only thing that was stopping me in achieving something i want or need... 

[papelpluma]

customer service

reading the email from the adviser from UHCL.... if he only started the email with a more positive attitude, the feeling of discouragement would have never entered my being... thats when i thought humans are flawed especially in the customer service job area... humans get caught in the field of “working” and repetitive nature of our busy lives, that if we worked in customer service we forget who we are interacting with.... we interact with people that have with feelings and emotions and moods and good days and bad days.... when theyre working they dont really include the humanity of our work dynamics... but it is a part of it.... and i definitely suffer from that on the receiving end (im the customer) and i know that theyre only projecting whats genuine... and if they feel neutral sometimes, it comes out as really discouraging to me.... 

[papelpluma]

london guy what’s app

i misunderstood the written communication.... so i immediately interpreted his “im not into beer and i dont like wasting time” to be “bye felicia, you aint even all that”... and thats when i thought of the time INVESTED in someone or something and how that is the main cause of the pain of rejection.... if youve been with someone or something for a long time, then when its over its gonna hurt more than if you were broken up with someone for a short time.... and thats when i reminded myself i need to be consistent with only myself..... no need to attach yourself to someone outside of you because you are all you need. 

[papelpluma]

INVESTMENT involves risk, sacrifice and hard work

when you want to go to school and improve yourself professionally and personally there is a certain d - loans... f

[papelpluma]

discouragement

when i read the email response to my “set up an appointment” to a masters in industrial organizational psychology.... i immediately felt my whole world was going down because they said they were “busy” and “unable to set up appointments online, just call”... now to a normal person this might make them think something like “ok let me schedule via phone” and move on... but to me, i immediately thought, “OH MY GOD why? why? why didnt they want me? they dont want me right? now i have to wait another year because there is no way they will be able to entertain a prospective student like me.... i was a bit histrionic and overdramatic.... when if i were thinking logically, i would think “a. not the end of the world, bitch calm dwn b. they said contact via call c. they replied right away so as not to waster your time d. theres plenty more programs out there outside of houston, but you are particular at staying in the city. 

[papelpluma]

keep it moving, keep it going

when making plans especially with other people who might have differing opinions... it took me this long to realize the importance of keeping it going IF and only IF its something you truly believe in and want to do BITCH.... regardless if they're coming out with you or not to participate or support.. if you’re going to be by yourself or not... i realized keeping it moving is the basis of any thing good in life... 

running with a plan or idea and giving it some legs through your relentless efforts and spirits is the start of ANY thing... i dont care what that ANY thing... i just care that you made a decision to run with something... and if that something makes you interested and happy after the fact that youve done it.... its worth doing (with or without somebody) 

(2) love yourself louelynn. (3) stand by your decisions louelynn. (1) know yourself and your interests and your dislikes louelynn.... 

know yourself so you can learn how to love yourself and stand by yourself.... 

[papelpluma]

no matter what people want to be around people

who make them happy and make them get out of their comfort zone with someone who they can feel safe and unjudged... i want to be that catalyst for starting shit (good vibes type of shit).... no negativity, not too much anxiety... NEVER too much excitement.... (think a classroom full of kinder) you do not want to be THAT excited... because its annoying and often times inappropriate... babies dont have a good sense of awareness so if they act on some emotion or impulsion, someone outside them (parent) really need to keep them in check.... socially and individually.... be excited but contained excited in appropriate doses...