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I know it sounds crazy but I think I was right about someone or someone’s reading my other blog. It just feels less like I’m being watched now.
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I’m glad i didn’t bring my laptop bc it’s helped me notice the things I’ve had to neglect about myself for the last little bit of time. ( Being judgemental & assumptive, superficial and insecure) but I don’t want to beat myself up too much bc I’ve really had a hard time & i have just been trying to survive.
I was right to go back to a series of unfortunate events. its really grounded me in my values and comforted me in a way that not much else can manage. I think it’s bc it was from a time before Krista, when I felt as alone as I feel now. And i had violet, Klaus, and sunny to understand how it feels to be alone and in a chaotic world.
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I had a weird dream last night that involves first Krista and then Daren and I’m wondering if my brain was trying to comfort me with them but honestly they were pretty shitty.
In my dream i saw Krista at the mall and i first awkwardly did a quick wave bc i was with my mom (and my pants were ripped which i feel like added to how i felt at the time) but then I went back and found her and i said hey if you want to talk, you can call me. She said “why would i want to do that?” And then i was like okay fine. And i turned and left. But i felt her following me. And then i turned around and said “why are you following me? I’m leaving you alone. This is what you wanted right?” And she said “you’re a monster.”
That was the worst one. Daren’s was just confusing. He was driving us to my house in Hayward and then he took a wrong turn. And then bc he brought us somewhere i had never been, i didn’t know where we were. I thought maybe i should drive. The doors were broken and he was acting really odd, like he was not responding but not angry…just like hollowed out or something. Then we went in one of those roads that scare the hell out of me- the ones where your tires on one side are almost hanging off the side of the road (and that side is a cliff) and i said, okay please let me drive I think i know how to get out. But he kept driving and then we pulled up to some place that felt like a church with a whole bunch of people and cars and the parking lot. The back was open and the doors were open /broken so these teens started getting in the car. They seemed like queer youth that weren’t welcome there. I finally convinced Daren to let me drive and really really painfully and slowly backed out on the road we came in. The teens were in the car still but they started kind of getting out and casually being around us when we got to a fork in the road. That’s all i can remember.
Maybe it’s me trying to tell me that Daren was asleep at the wheel or something. That i did what i had to do and why should anything be different. That feels sort of right but in this empty way, like nothing matters. Idk have to go to work now
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I just want to talk to you. I feel so burnt out.
I think all the time that you might be seeing someone else. That you might really like her
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I was thinking like why do i resonate so much with posts about being difficult as a kid. My mom has said i was an easy kid. I was never a bother to her. But I think that’s exactly why i resonate with these posts. Bc i know being a “good” kid means that you don’t feel safe to push boundaries or be yourself. And it meant that i was so far on the other spectrum of being known and appreciated that i was numb or something. So yeah i was difficult in the sense that it was difficult to reach me. To take care of me in a real way.
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People w/o chronic illness and neurotypical are always like : “you slept one night right? Why are you still tired?”
And it’s never in good faith the subtext is always like don’t be lazy 😜🤪😠 come on & join the fun
Cool well the exhaustion I’m feeling will take 5 calendar months to recover from and that’s IF nothing else exhausting happens. It’s 2024 and the world is like THIS so a peaceful 5 months is probably not going to happen but you enjoy being healthy & abled!! Just don’t expect me to also be!!
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I finished a short story today!!!!!! I haven’t finished one in…a really long time.
And I submitted it I did it really fast so I didn’t have a chance to change my mind. Excited & nervous
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I saved a fly today and i was so happy he flew away that I cried
My life has been so devoid of hope lately that I am just doing things with no expectation that they will work. With no belief that things will actually get better. But this fly believed in me, even though i dropped him at least three times. He didn’t struggle, he kept trying to get on the paper I was putting him on. And then when I finally carried him onto my window sill he just flew off, like his legs weren’t even broken.
It may sound stupid but I can’t stop crying. He believed in me and i saved him
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I was thinking about how i felt shame bc I forgot how important integrity is to me and to my sense of self.
But that’s nothing to be ashamed of. People forget lessons they haven’t had to teach themselves in a long time. And so on
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It’s crazy that so much is coming out about friendships now and how we need the closeness of already implied closeness- of automatic intimacy of doing small things for each other.
There was this article that talked about how the way to do that was just to insert yourself in people’s lives and it would be uncomfortable but that’s the way.
Immediately i thought about how when I was younger, I was over my grandparent’s house a lot. I used to wander around the neighborhood, sometimes with the neighborhood kids. I remember going to these two houses a lot, how i would just be there, hanging out. I would be inserting myself in their lives. One day, i went to the house farther away and no one was there. The door was open but no one was there. I hung around for a few minutes, but after that I just left. And I didn’t go back. Not too long after, the same thing happened with the other house. I went inside, no one was there. I didn’t go back. Later I realized that they had found a way to get rid of the neighbor kid who hung around too much. It was to just not be there when she came by. My grandparent’s house was empty a lot. I was usually fine staying alone, but there wasn’t much to do and I didn’t have many friends. I was probably just missing being a part of a family that accepted me. That made me feel at home. I don’t know if said much to the neighbors or if I talked too much. I don’t remember how I acted, but sometimes I remember going inside and seeing an empty house and knowing it’s that way because I am there, because I had inserted myself into their lives.
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I hate the way fleas are making me more afraid of the wider world.
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Fate seems less to be leading me along and more dragging me behind her carriage at breakneck speed
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A king princess song made me cry about Daren today. At least i did cry. (Haven’t been able to lately)
I keep holding my breath, hoping it starts again. But i know I’m wrong for doing it and wrong in the outcome.
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I used to be a lot more comfortable posting public thoughts on here but ever since this, it's taken the joy out of it
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