paintballwidow - Tumblr blog

[paintballwidow]

Not really a memory.. but

I would give just about anything to have my best friend back. Life wasn't so hard when he was right by my side. We could argue and fight just like brother and sister but at the end of the day, it was me and him against the world. I knew, no... I could feel that he loved me more than anything on the planet.

When you're being mean to someone for no reason at all, because you're having a hard time with something. And you walk away to not fight but text them from outside and tell them you're sorry and you just need your friend. And they don't answer but next thing you know they're sitting next to you on the beach and say "I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still right here" that's love. And a true friend..

You get that once in your life if you're lucky.

He may not be here with me in the flesh but he's here with me he's never left my side not one time. I feel him...

[paintballwidow]

Random Memory

I'm riding the city bus around town this afternoon and I can't help but think of all times Chris and used to ride around.. Sometimes we had somewhere we were headed other times just rode around to have something to do. Either way it was always an adventure!

[paintballwidow]

MY Birthday

My birthday was last week and it just wasn't the same without my primo here.

My last birthday 6-17-2018: I worked liked I did every other day. But this day was special because Chris always made sure we did something epic for it. Even if we couldn't go anywhere it was still fun. He made me a cake and had it ready when I got home from work that afternoon. Sung me happy birthday and we shared the cake with our roommates. Then he played birthday related songs on his guitar.. The day was all about me... which was the only time of the year I got that.

Fast forward 6-17-2019... This year sucked. One primo wasn't here and 2. My now ex promised me a badass gift since I spent an ungodly amount on him for his birthday. Well I didn't get anything but a stupid cake, $20 from his mom and broke up with. Chris would never do anything like that in a million years. However, if y'all believe in life after death Chris made sure I knew he was there that week during my birthday. Signs were like BAM BAM OMG to WTF? Instead of the spurattic ones I get here and there.

[paintballwidow]

Practicing His Smile

I remember this one time when we were homeless in Austin Texas I woke up and Chris was standing by our pallet on the ground with his head tilted back eyes closed and smiling. I asked him "What are you doing?" He said "Practicing my smile". From that point on when one of us would be getting upset or frustrated about something or just because we tell each other to practice our smile. And we would do it three times in a row. By the time we were doing it the second time we were laughing. It really does work.

Chris, was a victim of Narcissistic abuse from his Mother, Father and Stepfather all the way up to the time of his death. For over 40 years he thought what was right was actually wrong. To the point that I was pretty abused by him for many years. You may why did I stay around him? It's different when it's family. Plus I knew a different side of Chris. One that maybe at the time I only knew. Anyway some stuff happened and he ended up getting on some heavy duty psych meds and it "fixed" him and he realized that what he done to me as well my two younger children was wrong and apologized all the time. He'd been on his meds about a week and that morning was the first morning he, himself could notice a huge difference in his whole being. As long as he stayed on his meds he was fine. When he went off of them I could see a difference in him with in 3 days.

Moral is when you feel upset, frustrated or whatever just "practice your smile" 3 times and you'll feel much better.

[paintballwidow]

Homelessness

My cousin and I spent well over 2 years of being homeless. Some of my happiest times in my life were we homeless. It just didn't seem as bad with your best friend by your side.

We literally lived all over the state of Texas. From Lubbock to Galveston and everywhere in between. We did have a vehicle for some of the time. That's how we were able to move around so much. I think both our favorite place to stay was on the beach on Galveston Island.

This one time we were getting some money wired to us from a child hood friend of his so we could get some new camping gear and a couple of bikes. It took about 2 days to finally get the money. Because of his busy schedule of work and base ball games with his children and we didn't have phone service and we would literally have to walk 3 miles to McDonald's to get on wifi . So Chris finally was able to confirm that the money was going to be sent. So we take off to Walmart which is like 60 city blocks from Where we were camping on East Beach. Yes we walked all that way. I think it took like 3-4 hrs. We get there and get on wifi only to see that he hadn't even responded to the message. So Chris borrows a phone and tries calling. No answer. So he gets back on FB and let's his friend know that we're trying to get a hold of him and we'll be calling from different numbers until we touch base with him. I'm guessing it was about 3 hrs after we got to Walmart that we finally talked to his friend. He had been at a little league game all evening and he would have to wire the money first thing the next morning. There we were tired hungry and way to far away from our "home" to walk back that night. So...we take off and find a cemetery that was fairly close. We slept right on top of the concrete that night. No blankets no pillows. Just our short sleeve shirts that we took our arms out of and put our heads inside the hole to help keep us warm as it does get chilly at night down there.....

[paintballwidow]

Insurance

I used to tell people that i had Mutual of Chris Herzog insurance and my premium was always good. It was because he was always there for me no matter what. Even when I had done something really bad, i gaslighted him for over a week. He still had my back. I feel and believe even in death he still has my back.

[paintballwidow]

Half a Cigarette

This one time Chris had a friend over to our apartment. They played the guitar for a long time and the friend showed us the tricks he had taught his dog. After a few hrs we were all out of cigs aside from one that the friend had. And all the stores were closed as we lived in a very small town. Not to mention neither myself or my cousin had any money for a few days yet. Anyway, his friend lit up the last cig and was smoking it. Chris kept asking for some and his friend said "I'll let you have the rest of this cig if i can take home anything in this house I want. And I do mean anything". This went on for about 15-20 mins. Finally when there was a half the cig left he gave it to Chris. And i left with the guy. From then on we joked about Chris pimped me out for half a cig. He got the cig and i got fucked. And i still didnt get a cig. So i got fucked twice.

[paintballwidow]

Half Dead

October 24, 2018 half me died. That was the day that my best friend, my partner in crime, my other half, the yin to my yang tragically passed away from a heartattck in my arms.

That morning he was acting very out of character. I knew something was very wrong. I even asked him several times if he needed to go to the hospital or call 911. He said no everytime and got mad and yelled at me about it.

He could talk and told me his chest hurt and he couldn't breathe. I even remember at one whispering maybe its a heart attack. He would sit up in the bed give me a strange blank look then move to a different spot and lay back down. He said "prima im scared, i feel im dying". As well as "i need you to be right next me"