pagsintang-palad

[pagsintang-palad]

You smell like the earthy scent of wet sand and seaweed—salty yet refreshing.

Despite the tempestuous beast roaring in the sea, I found calmness and shore within your presence

- Karagatang Umaalon, 2024.

A storm of words and tunes, I want to be fluent with you.

Amidst uncertainties and confusion, like a sailor drawn to a lighthouse in a stormy sea, I’m deeply drawn to you. You are the beacon of light and life, guiding me through the frenzy of foam, spray, and darkness, paving a path closer to you. The raging waves are never seen as a threat through navigation. I am the master of my own sea—I want to dance in saltwater, dive deeper to find the shore, and grow with wind-howled words to be fluent in the language you utter.

The air, thick with the smell of salt and brine, reminds me of your earthy scent of wet sand and seaweed. You exude familiarity. Despite the chaos burning alongside the storm, there is a wild beauty hidden in it all. You bring calmness in fury, beauty in chaos, and light in darkness. For you are not just a storm of words and tunes I want to speak, but a sea of language I want to immerse myself in.

[pagsintang-palad]

Hoy, pinagdadasal kaya kita!

Hindi ka ata aware. Hindi mo ata alam kung paano kita pinagdasal kay Bathala sa tinagal na panahon. Lahat nalang ata ng mabubuting salita na alam mo at mayroon sa mundong ito, sa ganoon na paraan kita kwinento sa mga kaibigan ko. You don’t know how much I prayed for you—for this day to come, for you to finally catch feelings after months of liking you secretly. Kung pwede ko lang baguhin lyrics ng Burnout ng Sugarfree, ang masasabi ko lang ay: Kay tagal kitang hinintay. From the moment I found you attractive and funny sa newsfeed ko, until I had the chance to start a small conversation with you, I remember and cherish every single moment of it. Syempre naman, nakatatak na buong pagkatao mo sa puso’t isipan ko e.

Naalala ko nanaman kung paano ako nagsimula magpaload ng Giga50 bago pumasok sa school. Ilang buwan ko kaya tiniis na walang data habang nagsasayang ng oras sa loob ng silid-aralan! Pero simula nung nakausap kita sa Telegram, araw-araw nalang nababawasan ng singkuwenta ang baon ko, at hindi na ulit ako nagtangka makinig sa lecture ng MicroPara at TFN. Mas naintindihan at namemorize ko pa yung hobbies and likes mo. Kung ano ang mga paboritong libro, kanta, disney movie, at mga gawi bago mo simulan ang araw at matulog. Naalala ko tuloy kung paano mo nagawa akong talunin sa sarili kong playground na tongits. Edi ikaw na ang magaling sa Gin Rummy! At least talo kita lagi sa paborito mong Mancala. Finally, one-on-one na rin tayo (sana sa feelings din). Halos isang buwan din ang lumipas bago ko namalayan na ikaw na pala ang pinag-aaralan ko. Ikaw ang subject of my dreams with matching 143 units na gusto kita mapasakin habambuhay.

Contradicting ata na I never prayed for my own safety and health, parang ang kapal pa ng mukha ko na ipagdasal ka.

Dear God, please guide them safely (straight into my heart). Make them healthy and strong, remove them from any sort of pain, and let them experience the life and love that they deserve (with me).

Lumaki ba naman akong nag-aral sa catholic school! Memorize ko na nga ata lahat ng dasal at mga kanta sa misa, at favorite song ko pa nga ‘yung Anima Christi. I prayed for you every single time. Not in a way na gusto kitang gayumahin ha! Basta ang bottom line, sana alam mong pinagdadasal kita. Aware na kasi si Lord kung gaano kita kagusto.

[pagsintang-palad]

“******* ** ** ****** ***?”

“Ano nanaman ‘yan? Daming pakana.”

Kung kasalanan ang hilingin ang slowburn friends to lovers trope, edi ako na ang makasalanan. Kahit isumpa pa ‘yan ng Facebook friends ko, forever ko ‘yan iroromanticize. Kasi, who wouldn’t love the idea of slowly catching feelings for someone you perceived only as a friend? Gets mo ba ako? It’s like finding comfort and love in the most unexpected time with the most unexpected person. Alam mo bang gusto ko maging main character sa mga AU na binabasa ko sa Twitter? Ngunit sa lahat ng trope at genre na ninais ko, sa slowburn at angst pa ako bumagsak.

How can someone change so fast after sleeping with a heavy heart? To witness you to slowly drift apart was like waiting for winter to come while summer lives within the walls of our house. Ang init ng panahon, it’s like my burning love and affection for you. Try mong hawakan ang kamay ko, nakakapaso, diba? Para akong nagbabagang uling na hindi mamatay-matay sa hangin. Between the four corners of our home, your presence is nowhere to be seen. Siguro ikaw ‘yung hangin, trying its very best to tone down the igniting flaps of my burning coal but fails to do so. Sa bawat ihip at paypay mo, mas lumalakas ang apoy ko. Ikaw ang hangin na hindi ko makita at maramdaman, but continues to linger in my heart as a memory that’s meant to be forgotten as time fades away.

Para kang ice cream na natutunaw agad sa init kahit kakalabas lang sa freezer—you’re melting away, slowly. Kung magkakaroon ako ng pagkakataon na sumulat ng alamat just for fun, hindi ko mahahanap ang pinagmulan kung bakit nagbago at nasira ang lahat. Seeing you do the things that I once loved turned into mere actions na normally ginagawa mo when were just strangers pains my heart. Walang pansinan, walang maayos na usapan, walang-wala. Ang bilis mong magbago, ngunit ang tagal mong iwan ako. Kung hindi mo naman na pala ako mahal, bakit pinatagal mo pa?

“Sa habang buhay, sa hirap at ginhawa, sa sakit man o kalusugan, at mamahalin mo siya sa habangbuhay.” (I loved you wholeheartedly to the point I was left with nothing. I loved you so much even if the situation was unfair to me. I loved you as I carved our names with forever and always. I loved you). Magmahalan sa hirap at ginhawa, pero bakit sa tuwing may pinagdadaanan tayo, mas pinipili mong iwan ako?

Sa dinaraming tao sa mundo, ako pa ang piniling paglaruan ng tadhana. Kumakapit pa ako, bumibitaw ka na pala. Yung totoo,

“******* ** ** ****** ***?” (Minahal mo ba talaga ako?)