oysiserut

[oysiserut]

sea story; el matador beach, california

instagram

[oysiserut]

Maybe it will work again.

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

[oysiserut]

I don’t even know who I am anymore (2020) Background image: Northern Blossoms, Atok, Benguet

[oysiserut]

Hello again.

I’m back in this little internet corner of mine.

How have you all been? I’m pretty sure this year has been a blur--whether that’s a good thing, or a bad thing, I truly do not know, but I genuinely pray good things for you all.

(If you are having a hard time in life, are struggling to get by, and are negatively affected by stories of struggles, please do not continue reading.)

I wish I could say great updates about myself. Stories of success, resilience, victory, and hope that we people enjoy watching on human interest news shows. But no. The blur of my 2020 was not the colorful kind, like the ones we like in film photography. My blur was dark, foggy, and confusing. I thought by this time I would be cheerfully resting on my laurels (or in UP’s case, sunflowers, I guess). Instead, I am restless on my bed every night. No diploma, no job, just me and the ceiling talking endlessly until dawn about how I once again tremendously ruined my life.

I am in a limbo. I want to do better. Who wants to cry themselves every night because they can’t even fulfill their goals and dreams? Certainly not me. But I also get paralyzed by these moments. I am consumed by these personal talks I have with the walls of my room. I can’t escape these questions my mind always throws at me. Why do I keep failing? Why can’t I finish this? Why am I a horrible person? Why did I abandon people? How can I make up to them? Will I ever make up to them? Will they ever forgive me? Is it good to make up to them, or is it better to leave them alone? Am I ever gonna be better?

But the worst part is not the endless questions. Because I do try to answer them. I try to make plans. I try to start the process of becoming better. The worst part is that my brain and my heart both refuse to accept my answers and my plans. Because it doesn’t matter. I’ve already done wrong. I’ve already hurt people. I’ve already wasted years. Nothing can make up for my mistakes. And I feel defeated. And the mental paralysis starts. I can’t start things. I can’t finish things. I lie in bed and cry over all these thoughts.

I know people try to help. Some try to encourage me, pray for me, tell me that they will be there if I need anything. And from the bottom of my heart I thank those people. But when I hear just one, even just one word of discouragement--maybe they think I’m lazy, a burden, messing around, wasting time, choosing to be irresponsible, not even trying my best, or they ask why I can’t just finish these remaining units, why don’t I have initiative, why can’t I just sleep early, why can’t I clean, why do I waste my time with all these distractions--and everything I’m doing to hold myself together goes down the drain.

Unfortunately, it’s not just other people who invalidate me. Even I invalidate myself. Because with all the privilege I have--which I know some people wish for, like proper shelter, constant food supply, nice clothes, a bed, a room, internet, education, etc.--I still can’t do better in life.

And just like that the questions start popping up again. Even louder this time. And the cycle continues.

I really do not know how to stop this self-sabotaging system inside me. Please send help. I don’t know what to do.

If you have made it this far, thank you. Thank you for listening to me. If you have any encouraging message, tips, advice, or prayers, you can send them my way, in any (legal and ethical) way you want.

I really hope the next time I say hello again, the story that I would share would be better. No more blurs, just a clear, well-lit picture of my life.

- O

[oysiserut]

In love with this! Looks so cosy and calm.

[oysiserut]

Strange Love Coffee (Toronto)

[oysiserut]

April 12, 2020

society6.com/abiwhales

etsy.com/shop/abigailkart

[oysiserut]

[oysiserut]

Relationship goals

[oysiserut]

Do not look for me

Do not look for me. I am nowhere to be found.

But if you want to, you can still aimlessly look around.

Close your eyes and walk the path my scent has paved for me.

Alas, I emptied the bottle, poured it down the nearby sea.

Feel the weight of the steps I burned down the busy road.

Time and time again had passed, its remainder is the cold.

Maybe you can look for clues in everything I wrote?

Oh, my tears have long ruined the ink, and all that’s left is naught.

You can play the songs that I asked you to listen to before,

Only the melody is left now; my voice is there no more.

Taste everyone else’s lips to see who I’ve been with.

But did I go with anyone? I don’t think I ever did.

There’s no more hope that you’d find me, so I will look for myself.

And I will find her somewhere new, somewhere only I am left.

[oysiserut]

[oysiserut]

[oysiserut]

Utility Boxes by Abbie Paulhus, on Instagram

Follow So Super Awesome on Instagram

[oysiserut]

Personal Projects: Journals

Back in 2015, I had a personal project to create a Quote Book (notebook filled with quotes), inspired by Tumblr user eudaemonie (I hope I spelled that right). Eudaemonie had a notebook filled with quotes and poetry, and I wanted to do something similar for myself. I thought that it might have a positive impact because if I finish one, I would have something inspirational and meaningful to read. I also wanted to create one for another person (no one in particular; I just figured that it might be a thoughtful gift).

Fast forward to 2018, and I have not only a Quote Book, but also an Anything Goes notebook, which is sort of like a doodle journal.

So here's my Quote Book:

It's a beautiful, hard-bound, lined notebook from the brand Limelight. It has a cool cover design, plus a garter to keep it closed (idk what that is called hahaha).

I used to have a different Quote Book, but it was already falling apart: the pages were brown, so it was not easy to read, and the notebook got wet once, so the ink sorta dissolved in some parts. I then decided to buy a sturdier notebook and transferred all the previous contents there.

I have not reached half of the notebook yet, but hopefully by the end of 2018 I could finish it.

Now, here's my Anything Goes journal:

I started this project because I wanted to improve my creativity and drawing skills. I wanted to make art more than I used to, and I thought having a journal that I could easily carry everyday would boost my art production. (It didn't really huhuhu I had a lot of things to do, so I forget about this project a lot, but at least I didn't have to worry about having a place to draw from time to time.)

Aside from that, I wanted to broaden the way I express my thoughts and experiences. A lot of times, when I write in my diary (text-only journal of experiences), I get the urge to draw, so I figured that I could have a sketch/doodle + diary kind of mix with this journal.

The notebook is from a brand called Victoria's Journals. I'm not really a fan of the cover: the color is not really my favorite (and the only other choice that day was white; I wanted a dark cover so it won't easily get dirty) and it was not a hard cover. But the cover has a plastic kind of surface, so even though it's not a hard cover, at least it won't be that much ruined in case water spills on it. Aside from that, this notebook has plain, cream-colored pages suitable for doodling, and also has the garter thing to keep it closed, like my Quote Book.

Like the Quote Book, Anything Goes used to be a different notebook. That notebook also had brown pages, was also lined, and was also starting to fall apart. This is how the old notebook looked like when it was still new:

I knew I had to buy another one if I wanted to keep drawing. When I went to buy a new one, I really wanted a journal with plain cream paper. It was unexpectedly hard to find plain paper journals, so when I found this kind of journal in white and brown covers, I told myself that I would already get one, even though I didn't like any of the colors.

Here are sample pages from my new Anything Goes journal:

I hope I can also fill my Anything Goes journal by the end of this year.

I am also planning to start a scrapbook kind of journal (doodle/sketches + diary + other materials like stickers, paraphernalia, photos, etc.), but I already have the Quote Book, Anything Goes, plus a daily devotional journal, so I think I'm going to start the scrapbook once I have finished filling up the pages of the Quote Book and Anything Goes.

I hope I find time to finish these personal projects. I also hope you do great on your personal projects.

- O

[oysiserut]

Unibersidad ng Pilipinas: Luntian at Pula 💚❤️ 1st: Lagmay Hall (UP Diliman College of Social Sciences and Philosophy/Palma Hall Annex) 2nd: Bartlett Hall (UP Diliman College of Fine Arts) 3rd: Katipunan Jeepney at University Avenue 4th: Quezon Hall (UP Diliman admin building) and Oblation Plaza

[oysiserut]

Nimbus Clouds

Lately, I've been noticing that I have again been exhibiting behavior that I either don't usually have or could be considered self-sabotaging behavior.

I have been sleeping late. I know I'm not a morning person and this is not new, but I now usually sleep around 3 to 6 in the morning. Sometimes, I even fall asleep in the middle of watching something, and someone told me that it's a sign of me forcing myself to actually stay up later than I could.

I have not been eating at proper meal times. Today, I woke up at 8 in the morning but I did not eat. I slept instead actually, even though I slept quite earlier last night because I did a lot of stuff and I was too tired. I ate my first meal at 2 pm. Yesterday, I skipped breakfast, and the day after that, I had dinner at 10 pm. My appetite is normal, I guess, but I have been skipping meals a lot lately.

I want to stay in bed all the time. I stay in my bed for the majority of the day.

I keep putting things off. I know I am a procrastinator, but these are huge responsibilities, and my sense of urgency has disappeared almost completely. I am too afraid to face them on my own.

I have been too sensitive lately. People were angry or disappointed at me and I couldn't handle it well. I kept thinking about me failing to meet these people's expectations, causing me to space out, feel sad, and cry at times.

I have also been getting quite impatient lately, not only with myself, but also with other people.

I have this feeling of hopelessness and desire to disappear or no longer exist.

I have kept my distance from people. I don't feel like sharing my problems or talking with people directly (I feel more comfortable tweeting about it than having a one-on-one conversation).

I do not want to self-diagnose, and to add to that, these things might not really seem like much of a problem to others, but I know that I am not feeling okay. I have felt better, and I know I can do better than this. But somehow, I am stuck in this feeling or situation.

At times, I do think that I am all alone, because even if people help me or encourage me, I know they all have their own stuff to handle, and there are things that only I can fix. I keep thinking that at the end of the day, everyone else has their own life and I am only left with myself. Nevertheless, I know I am blessed for having amazing people who keep encouraging me and reminding me that they are here for me.

Furthermore, I still feel sometimes that this whole episode of me feeling down is invalid, because other people have worse problems than I do. This is complicated, because the main reinforcer of this thought is me as well. There are some people from whom I hear the "people have it worse" mentality, but I feel like I am the one most responsible for making myself feel bad about my predicament. I never want others to feel that their situation is invalid and unimportant, but I always make myself feel that way.

In general, I really find it easily to genuinely care for other people and encourage them, but I find it so hard for myself. It's probably because I know everything I went through, so I know my mistakes and how I could've done better. I am still probably punishing myself and have not completely forgiven myself yet, for everything I have been through and for everything I am now.

So, tl;dr, voila, here I am, currently stuck in a storm I made. But I hope that the storm ends soon, and the sunshine-y weather comes through. I hope as much as possible that you, reader (whoever you may be), are in a very summery period of your life right now, and if you are in a storm like me, I hope the best for both of us. Stay warm and cozy, friend. This too shall pass, I guess.

I would appreciate any prayer, word of encouragement (my favorite love language), wise advice, or help that any of you would be able to give me. Thank you.

- O

[oysiserut]

2018 goal